It’s been a beast of a week but I had so much fun talking about 90 Day Fiancé with you last week that I had to throw this up. Better late than never? I hope so.
ASHLEY, 31 (Mechanicsburg, PA) and JAY, 20 (Jamaica)
Jay’s visa has been approved so he says goodbye to Jamaica. Goodbye, fruit with flavor. Goodbye, Pregnant Poochie. Goodbye, Skinz, a.k.a. Papa Jay, a.k.a. God’s Gift to Women in Capri Pants. Hello, winter. Jay is unprepared for the cold. For rules. For monogamy. You know, the basics. We literally watch awareness wash over Ashley’s face as she realizes it’s up to her to tame her stallion. She adds potty training to her Honey Do list and welcomes her king home. I think we all predicted Ashley’s home decor style (Suburban pinterest) but no one, and I mean no one, expected her to have the largest collection of art signs in the US. Home. Family. Love. All of the classics are covered. This is Ripley’s level, people. Jay has his own version of Asuelu’s airport dance: he humps every flat surface he encounters. While sexual attraction is the overwhelming glue keeping these two lovebirds together, Jay can’t deny his second love is America.
COLT, 33 (Las Vegas, NV) and LARISSA, 31 (Brazil)
Colt and Larissa are miserable. Their airport meeting was joyless. Their tour of the saddest and most rundown parts of Vegas was hot and sticky. And now Larissa gets to meet Mama Debbie. We see you, TLC. We see each other! Debbie finds the most appropriate way to greet her son’s fiancée: by desperately sobbing into Colt’s chest. And we’re off! To be fair, maybe she’s just trying to distract Larissa from the state of her new home (I use that word loosely). Larissa instantly turns on her best Kim Zolciak and asks Big Poppa for a new house. With a pool. And cool air. While Colt and his mother gasp like wide-mouthed bass, production steers Larissa’s venom to the slot machine. She insults bad taste and (unknowingly) the memory of Colt’s dead father with a single blow. The air gets thick. Any facade that things are going well falls away. Larissa refuses Debbie’s beef stew and retreats to her sad bedroom. Debbie weeps in the kitchen. The only happy ending: the negativity doesn’t keep Colt from enjoying hot beef stew, Vegas-style (ie: next to an ugly slot machine).
The next morning, all involved want a do over. For Larissa that involves insulting Cookie Dough’s svelte, girlish figure and making breakfast for Colt. Clearly, one of those actions is a crime against humanity and the other is a breakfast sandwich. Larissa blithely informs us she lied to Colt about her skills in the kitchen. Girl isn’t even hiding her gold digging at this point. Larissa asks Colt to fetch his mother for breakfast. She’s eager to impress Debbie with her homemaking prowess. Colt knows each bite he takes will be a dagger in his mother’s heart. Debbie grudgingly admits the food is acceptable but before long, the two women wage war over Colt’s nutrition. He tunes them out and focuses on his feast. Toast for breakfast? Who would’ve known?
STEVEN, 20 (Bowie, Md) and OLGA, 20 (Russia)
Steven may be young but he doesn’t do things small. His first airplane ride, his first Soviet country, his first baby mama. And he’s all in. As he transfers from air to rail, lost but not broken, I’m struck at how differently he’s handling this experience from past 90 Day fiancés. He seems excited to interact with locals. He’s kind and thanks them in their native tongue. He recognizes how lucky he is to be there. And when pregnant Olga surprises him at the train station, his excitement is tempered with concern for her well being. Before I wax overly rhapsodic, it’s important to recognize how low the 90DF bar is set. A homeless, high school dropout learns, “Spasiba,” and I’m ready to nominate him father of the year. But here we are.
Meeting Olga fleshes out this transatlantic love story. She’s a damsel in distress of the finest order. TLC might as well tie her to train tracks. From the orphanage to her little apartment, Olga’s life in Russia is tinged with sadness. In a kind twist of fate, Steven is so unworldly he doesn’t see the pallor of her reality. The glare from his tie dyes bathe their emotional red flags in a warm glow. Ultimately, we’re faced with two parentless children starting a family. Desperation, party of 3. Steven had nine months to learn about babies. Instead, everything’s a surprise. Babies don’t arrive on schedule? Shocking. Babies are expensive? Baffling. Olga leads him by the hand. She knows she’ll be raising all three of them. They go shopping. Steven can’t read the price tags. Nothing makes sense. Olga has home court advantage but she’s equally clueless. They snap and snipe but persevere. Checkout feels like a victory. For one single moment, they have everything under control.
ERIC, can’t be 40 (Baraboo, WI) and LEIDA can’t be 29, (Indonesia)
While Eric and Leida pretend to sightsee, the true star of the family (sister Reina) documents everything. She knows her footage will eventually end up in a court case. Divorce. Murder. Fraud. The emancipation of sweet Allessandro. Leida is most concerned with terminating Eric’s parental rights. No kids, no child support. Leida knows how to save money. At a food court, Eric proudly shows off Wisconsin cheese. Leida thinks they’re going to taste it. Uh, no. She can have all the (government) cheese she wants in Baraboo. In Philly, they’re going to share a cheesesteak. Between four people. As Leida shoves a wad of grey meat into in Alless’ mouth, I’m reminded that it’s always the children who suffer. With a full belly, Eric marshalls his forces to head to the airport. The second onslaught of family arrives, ready to judge his every miserly step. TLC crams everyone into one family van. Fasten your seat belts, Eric. It’s going to be a bumpy night.
JONATHAN, 32 (Lumberton. NC) and FERNANDA, 19 (Mexico)
For a 19 year old, Fernanda is surprisingly self-aware. Jonathan has spent time in her life. He knows her friends, her family. She needs to do the same if she truly wants to know her fiancé. Dani (last week’s official opposition) takes her pity shopping. Dani seems fiercely loyal to Jonathan, secure in her role of protecting him from himself. She sees his relationship with Fernanda for what it is: a silly and potentially costly blunder (on both sides). But that doesn’t keep her from comforting an emotional Fernanda when necessary. Much like Jonathan’s friends last week, Dani is good people. So why do they cosset this repugnant man child? That is the biggest mystery of the season.
Fernanda Facetimes her family. She practically raised her siblings while her mother worked so they’re very close. Now they have a lifestyle that allows her mother and sister braces. That’s why Fernanda loves Jonathan (the smallest mystery of the season). Fernanda cries. Her family can’t get a visa to the wedding. Jonathan comforts her as best he can.
KALANI, 29 (Rancho Santa Margarita, CA) and ASUELU, 23 (Samoa)
Asuelu is already blending his new world with his old. In full sarong, he learns how to change his son’s diaper. Kalani takes him to the beach to prep him for family dinner with Daddy. Asuelu marvels at everything. Palm trees with no coconuts. Cold ocean water. And so many white people! But a black cloud covers the horizon. Kalani, putty in the hands of TLC production, makes sure Asuelu knows how much her family hates him. With tears in his eyes, Asuelu frets he’s not good enough for her. Gotdamn you, family Kalani! You’re torturing this boy. You’re holding him accountable for all of Kalani’s poor decisions and you’re making me watch! I mean, I know how TV works, but come on! Tears. Actual Samoan tears. I can’t take much more.
The opposing factors divide into teams for the evening’s festivities. Team Asuelu waits at the Airbnb. Kalani is terrified. Her mother busies herself setting up dinner. Asuelu clings to Oliver, his life ring in choppy waters. Team White Guys prepare for war. Sister Kolini needs to keep Dad locked and loaded if she hopes to win. And Kolini is going to win (know that). Dinner is as tense as one would expect. Asuelu breaks the awkwardness by apologizing to Kalani’s parents. He promises to look after his little family. For a fraction of a second I think Kalani’s father sees the real Asuelu. But his facade quickly clicks back into place and he gives Asuelu the Tough Guy Dad talk. Asuelu takes it all, cradling Oliver like an emotional support dog. Finally Kolini is ready for her closeup can take it no more. She publicly stakes her claim as the rightful father of Oliver. On cue, Kalani demands Asuelu earn the role of Father from Kolini. Kalani and her sister share smug smiles while Asuelu tries to translate what he’s hearing. When is an Aunt a Father? We don’t know either, Asuelu. This is not normal behavior. Get out while you can. Take baby Oliver and Kalani’s mother and run. It’s your only chance.
Next week: Leida’s family arrives in NYC; Ashley’s friends throw a party for Jay; Asuelu tells his side of the story to Kolini; Larissa clashes with Debbie; Fernanda and Jonathan fight at the club; Olga feels contractions and gets unexpected news.
Love this show, thanks for recapping. Kalani is going off on SM and may have been told to shut it down. For a mute sack of hair so far on the show, pretty much, she’s sure articulate on SM. I am really beginning to suspect Kolini might be the brains of the outfit. They are saying if the audience saw the ‘real Asuelu’ he’d be ‘the most hated man in America’, or some such. She’s taken all this down and made some accounts private. Loving Colt-ee and Larissa. It’s going to be an epic showdown with slaying from the side by the feline team led by 200 Pound Cokie Dokie. How can anyone trust a man with as much empty closet space as Coltee? So many questions!
It’s crazy how hard Kalani and her whole family are coming for Asuelu on SM. Why do they have to make him the bad guy to make themselves look better? Not that it’s working. And good point about Kolini being the brains of the operation. Ugh, just the worst.
#TeamCookieDookie
That cat is going down in history as ‘Cokie Dokie’ after Larissa told Colt-ee, in all seriousness, that if he gives it LOVE it will come back on the BED! Huh. It’ll be Larissa sleeping on the closet shelf in about a week, if the cats have anything to do with it. Apparently, TLC live tweets revealed that Larissa believed that she and Colt-ee were supposed to go out to dinner when she arrived. This may explain some of her perplexed stank.
I hope Oliver and Kalani’s family cease to be cranky to Asuelu and give him the beautiful smile he is still waiting for #FreeAsuelu
I think the twisted sisters wanted a baby with no man to mess up their fun. I agree we must get baby, Asuelu and grandmother back to Samoa ASAP.
Um….what does SM stand for? ?
Good question. I presume it is a name which is why I ask for names to be written out.
In this instance, I think it means social media..
Sorry guys. It’s social media (and a perfect example of why we don’t use initials).
Why would Debbie cook beef stew in such hot weather, and why didn’t Colt take Larissa out to eat? Why is he such a cheapskate? Sounds like they’re still together and Larissa has apparently said that Colt is quite the love machine! Who would have thought it?
I’m still not sure about Steven and Olga. I hope the baby is really his and that he’s not being scammed.
Asuelu a villain?!! Say it ain’t so! Can’t wait to find out exactly what’s going on with that relationship.
Eric is such a lying sack of poo’poo (trying to be ladylike here). Why would he.let her see such a pigsty? It has to be a fake storyline from TLC, and I’m really tired of being manipulated.
Ashley makes me sick. She’s so stupid and obviously hasn’t thought this whole thing through. I wonder what Jay will think when her kids are living with them and he isn’t able to pork her day and night? He doesn’t seem to be cut out to be a family man.
I guess Colt’s cousin was right 😉
We can only hope!
Oh how I love this show. It is the only bright light of Sunday night (well I also love Unexpected, but it’s over for this season) knowing I have to go to work the next day. Thanks for recapping!
This recap was well worth the wait. Also, the “food court” in Philadelphia is actually called Reading Terminal Market. (I’m not saying this to be a smart ass). I just want anyone who visits Philadelphia to go there. Specifically visit Beiler’s donuts, which is literally out of this world. And there is a pretzel place with pretzel cheesesteaks. It truly is a magical place. Cheesesteaks for everyone (not just one for four people). I wish 90 day fiancé had called me before filming because I could’ve really steered that segment in a different direction.
Back to the recap, it was great. Keep ‘em coming. #TeamCookieDough
Thanks for the info on Reading Terminal Market. I love fancy food halls like that! It’s too bad TLC (the Learning channel?) dumbs everything down.
The great irony of the 21st century.
Been living in Philly my whole life. I’m so glad someone explained how great the reading market is. Also don’t miss the sticky buns and the soft pretzels
Thank you for pointing out Eric and Leida’s questionable ages. If they are really 29 and 40, they both must have lived a hard life.
I loved the recap. After watching it alone and either suffering with or because of each of these people, it was wonderful to see what I felt in print: The REAL from the reality. I wanted to cry for Asuelu, especially. That idiot father of Kalani’s should look around and see how many American men are lined up to take on his daughter and her child: That would be none. And her sister is not just jealous, she’s evil. Daddy ought to worry about that one.
The K sisters have to be acting, right? No one’s truly that awful. Right?
Love this recap! It’s funny & embraces the dumpster-fire that is 90-day fiance!!!
Kilini needs to get her head straight – she’s not the baby’s “father figure”, she’s a supportive aunt who acts like a jealous boyfriend – so inappropriate. I don’t know what Asuelu’s motives are/were, but time will tell, and like DeborahBrenn said, it’s not as though anyone over here is beating down the doors to get to Kalani. I’ve never seen her in anything but clothes that completely cover her up, even though there are a lot of bigger girl clothes that would look good on her – not really a match for a guy who’d be quite happy going around shoeless, with a towel round his waist. He’s the epitome of laid back and she’s the epitome of uptight.
She really acts as though she’s kind of embarrassed by him, but what did she expect? She knew the different lifestyle he came from and should have thought twice before she lost her virginity (yea, right – can you imagine her having the nerve to let that judgmental father of hers know she was already sexually active?), and had unprotected sex (probably drunk out of her mind), knowing that’s where baby Samoans come from. Then the object of her temporary desires gets dragged into the Southern California lifestyle. Of course he’s going to be like a fish out of water. He is!
She and her sister definitely don’t come off as sympathetic people and, in a way, I hope Asuelu escapes back to the life he’s used to. He should find a lovely Samoan lady who won’t look down her nose at him, although Kalani will probably try to stick him with child support. Maybe he can send her chickens and coconuts to remind her and their son what their ethnic background is.
I live near Steven’s hometown,Bowie and went to Ocean City as a teenager where many in my class became mothers. So I’m rooting for Olga and Steven to come to Maryland so I can admire their little family at the mall. I have no life.
Okay, I am finally caught up. I can’t tape this mess so I have to wait for on demand.
I love the kids in Russia. Fuck You Lady C for pointing out that if these two were on any other show we would know they are doomed because I wait for their segments when they come on and was totally all in on them making it because compared to the grown adults these two seem into each other and concerned about the baby in their own special “What the fuck do you do with a baby? Is it like having a hamster? Do we need some wood chips and a hamster wheel?” sort of way.
As it turns out, a couple pair of socks and a bucket to wash it it seem to be enough. And more than they can afford.
I would ask any Russian readers if it’s true men can’t go in the delivery room there but I’ve blocked the entire country. I’m not kidding. There are a high number of Russian attacks on this site (and other countries) and I figure, what’s the liklihood that there are a ton of Russians clamoring to read about Vicki Gunvalson’s plastic surgery here.
The Brazilian bitch needs to go back to Brazil on a bus. And yes you can actually do that. It will take about 6 days presuming she doesn’t die in transit. Oh and Y’all should probably warn people that the comments contain spoilers.
If the Indonesian sister kills the broke ass husband to be and I’m on the jury, I’ll find her not guilty by reason of he’s gross. And cheap.
As for the sister-in-law of the Samoan, if anyone snuffs her out, that too would be justifiable homicide if I was on the jury, Who gets pissed when the baby’s father shows up and says she is the baby’s father and he’s going to have to earn the title? She’s psychotic. I just want to watch the Samoan wander around asking why the roads are so fat and the water is so cold and the coconuts are missing and the plethora of white people. If I were younger I’d get in line for him. Did you see the pelvic thrusts in the airport? Yes please.
I think the “blond haired blue eyed white girl with a black man” does really care if he cheats as long as he comes home most nights. Also, these homes are staged to remove all paintings and art due to copyright issues. These HOME and LOVE and FAMILY carvings are used to give the homes SOMETHING to be “art” there is usally a corn plant or two. But dear God this girl’s apartment must have been empty or it is a totally fake apartment.
I think the dude just needs to give the Mexican chick a spanking and stop catering to her so much and they will be fine. He’s pussy whipped.
That is all. For now.
One of us! One of us!
Omg this recap was so so good. I already love this show but I almost love your recaps more.
I’m so happy TT is watching this shit show. “I’ll find her not guilty by reason of he’s gross” was so funny. Ahhh this all makes me happier than I should be.
@TheLadyCocotte “I think we all predicted Ashley’s home decor style (Suburban pinterest)…” and I’m dead!??????????????????
Family Kalani is giving family Chantal a run for their money, vile vile people!
I still don’t trust Stephen….
Did anyone see the info that Ashley was kidnapped when she was 19, it’s not a pretty story and I am rooting for her now and hope that Jay treats her well.
Forgot to tick for comments to be emailed..
Did you guys catch the statement Mother Colt gleefully made that she and Colt share a bank account and she’s in charge of it? That whole relationship gets creepier and creepier.
Yes! So creepy. Colt-we refers to her as “mother”. Norman bates, anyone? Lol
Sorry. Auto correct changed colt-tee to colt-we ?
I love Colt! I know he seems creepy in a way, but I have watched this show for so long and watched some of these women WALK ALL OVER the guys and they spend all this one. Jorge anyone? It’s just a relief for someone to say No. The Mother just loves her son. It’s just odd.
For whatever reason I also love Jay. He may be a cheater and all that, but he seems fun and I think Ashley is having fun…..for now.
Kalani needs to get a grip. Asuelo is so sweet. He has the sweetest face at least.
I like Stephen too. He seems to genuinely care and is trying to do his best. As trivial as it is, I love that Stephen seems to be trying to learn the Russian culture. THAT is a first.
I DO love this show. I have recorded last night’s episode to watch tonight. Sunday is Football Day. (Go Redskins).