As most of you know, I’ve become a bit of a recluse. More often than not, I will choose not leaving the house over most other options. Lately, Banjo and I have been trying to get out more, but the last time we went out into the world, we ALMOST DIED, so we have sort of gotten stuck staying indoors again.
Even staying inside all the time is fraught with danger. For example, the other night I almost blinded myself in one eye. It was Banjo’s fault really. Banjo has a strict schedule. He likes to avail himself of his backyard in the early afternoon shortly after we get up for the day. His preferred time to do this is when the kids are getting out of the elementary school nearby and running amok through the hood. He enjoys an evening constitutional during primetime TV viewing when I am in the middle of an important recap.
It was during a recent evening outing that I temporarily blinded myself. At night, all manner of flying insects flock to the porch light two inches from the back door. The door opens toward the porch light and all the critters come in to attack me and swarm the kitchen. It’s sort of a nightly ritual. Next to the back door I have small spray bottle of organic insect repellent from Whole Foods. It’s made of stinky essential oils from things like marigolds and other stuff that stinks. I sometimes spray it on Banjo in the summer to keep the ticks and mosquitoes off him. And yes. he talks all the expensive as hell meds for those things and heartworms but sometimes in the summer when the back yard is a bit overgrown, I feel like he needs a little extra. Lately, I’ve been spraying it on my screen door and around the porch light at night to ward off flying insects. The other night I decided to spray it directly in my right eyeball at close range instead.
It was not a fun experience but my eyeball survived after lots of dramatic screaming and flooding it with water. In fact, it may work a little better. I’ve probably discovered a treatment for pre-cataracts or something. Do not spray organic insecticide into your eyes though! At least until I have legally registered my invention and get paid prescription. I digress. Again.
Shortly after my contribution to medical science, I noticed a spiderweb being spun around my porch light! This is great news! It’s like the universe is solving my problems for me! Clearly this is proof of my perfect vibrations with the world around me! My kind heart and gentle nature is drawing all the creatures around to come to my assistance! It’s was exactly like that time the mice and the birds made a dress for Cinderella!
“Maybe nature really does love us,” I said to Banjo! “Perhaps we should give hiking another go!”
Banjo was not amused. But for the past few days I’ve watched the ugliest spider I’ve ever seen, spin a web around my porch light. And then he started spinning even further. It was as if he was trying to trap us inside with his web! So each morning (I use the term very loosely) I break out of the web with the screen door and the big, ugly spider runs back closer to the porch light. It’s like I’m training him. I have a new pet.
I began to think more and more about the spider. It is truly one of the ugliest spiders I’ve ever seen. It seems more suited for the desert than the lush green yard or the dark red clay. I’ve just never seen anything quite like it. Is has a really big body is round and kind of reminds me of a scorpion. It’s not a scorpion, but it has that sort of desert quality.
As it turns out, as with anything one decides to Google, we are probably going to die. It appears to be a brown recluse. It seems they have a deadly bite especially for kids and old people.
I is old people.
So, there needs to be some sort of recluse on recluse crime around here, quick and in a hurry. I have no plan for this. I know for sure that organic insecticide won’t do the trick. He really seems to like that. Help me plan my spidercide!
What’s going on in your neck of the woods? Any good news? I hear that Pop Culture Kelly is about to get married in a couple of days! Someone distract me with happy stories as I probably only have a few days left to live.