As most of you know, I’ve become a bit of a recluse. More often than not, I will choose not leaving the house over most other options. Lately, Banjo and I have been trying to get out more, but the last time we went out into the world, we ALMOST DIED, so we have sort of gotten stuck staying indoors again.
Even staying inside all the time is fraught with danger. For example, the other night I almost blinded myself in one eye. It was Banjo’s fault really. Banjo has a strict schedule. He likes to avail himself of his backyard in the early afternoon shortly after we get up for the day. His preferred time to do this is when the kids are getting out of the elementary school nearby and running amok through the hood. He enjoys an evening constitutional during primetime TV viewing when I am in the middle of an important recap.
It was during a recent evening outing that I temporarily blinded myself. At night, all manner of flying insects flock to the porch light two inches from the back door. The door opens toward the porch light and all the critters come in to attack me and swarm the kitchen. It’s sort of a nightly ritual. Next to the back door I have small spray bottle of organic insect repellent from Whole Foods. It’s made of stinky essential oils from things like marigolds and other stuff that stinks. I sometimes spray it on Banjo in the summer to keep the ticks and mosquitoes off him. And yes. he talks all the expensive as hell meds for those things and heartworms but sometimes in the summer when the back yard is a bit overgrown, I feel like he needs a little extra. Lately, I’ve been spraying it on my screen door and around the porch light at night to ward off flying insects. The other night I decided to spray it directly in my right eyeball at close range instead.
It was not a fun experience but my eyeball survived after lots of dramatic screaming and flooding it with water. In fact, it may work a little better. I’ve probably discovered a treatment for pre-cataracts or something. Do not spray organic insecticide into your eyes though! At least until I have legally registered my invention and get paid prescription. I digress. Again.
Shortly after my contribution to medical science, I noticed a spiderweb being spun around my porch light! This is great news! It’s like the universe is solving my problems for me! Clearly this is proof of my perfect vibrations with the world around me! My kind heart and gentle nature is drawing all the creatures around to come to my assistance! It’s was exactly like that time the mice and the birds made a dress for Cinderella!
“Maybe nature really does love us,” I said to Banjo! “Perhaps we should give hiking another go!”
Banjo was not amused. But for the past few days I’ve watched the ugliest spider I’ve ever seen, spin a web around my porch light. And then he started spinning even further. It was as if he was trying to trap us inside with his web! So each morning (I use the term very loosely) I break out of the web with the screen door and the big, ugly spider runs back closer to the porch light. It’s like I’m training him. I have a new pet.
I began to think more and more about the spider. It is truly one of the ugliest spiders I’ve ever seen. It seems more suited for the desert than the lush green yard or the dark red clay. I’ve just never seen anything quite like it. Is has a really big body is round and kind of reminds me of a scorpion. It’s not a scorpion, but it has that sort of desert quality.
As it turns out, as with anything one decides to Google, we are probably going to die. It appears to be a brown recluse. It seems they have a deadly bite especially for kids and old people.
I is old people.
So, there needs to be some sort of recluse on recluse crime around here, quick and in a hurry. I have no plan for this. I know for sure that organic insecticide won’t do the trick. He really seems to like that. Help me plan my spidercide!
What’s going on in your neck of the woods? Any good news? I hear that Pop Culture Kelly is about to get married in a couple of days! Someone distract me with happy stories as I probably only have a few days left to live.
Brown Recluse spiders scare the crap out of me! Their bites are so dangerous, years ago I met a guy who was later bit by one and ended up losing his leg due to the bite. But, the good news is that probably isn’t one. They tend to hide in dark places like garages, rarely used closets etc. They also have a violin type marking on their back. I’m sure you’ve seen all the pertinent info on line though.
Am I the last to know that Lala’s fiancé is who Turtle was based on on Entourage?? I’ve been shocked all week. But, now the endless PJ pictures make so much more sense!
I’m totally telling myself it ISN’T a brown recluse. But it lives in the crappy little over hang thingy that is a mini roof for the back stoop. There’s probably a billion on them in there just hanging out over my head every time I open the door.
Have you asked the guy who does your yard work? A lot of those guys are good at identifying creepy crawlies. I totally know what you mean about a billion hanging over your head! We had roaches, our whole building did. And besides losing my mind I’m now convinced that their descendants are in hiding watching me in the kitchen! I can just feel their hopefully imaginary roach eyes watching me!!
If your spider looks like that it is not a brown recluse. I live in San Antonio and they are very common here. Its still an ugly spider though
Kill It , simple. One spider will not help with a lot of bugs. Don’t mess around, use hair spray, fly spray, garden bug spray, furniture oil spray, any bathroom cleaners, (maybe not organic) foam spray is awesome, they curl up and die covered in white.
Buy a bug light, they do not attract as many bugs. Been around for years.
Spiders have 100!s of babies at one time.
Sure looks like a “Brown Recluse” to me! Very scary!!!
Spider story: In my first new place (after divorce), I opened a kitchen cabinet with a huge sticky sheet of shelf liner stuck to both hands to find the BIGGEST wolf spider I have ever seen! Probably 6-8 inches across.. The thing actually reared up on it’s hind legs at me! I slammed the door! I had NOTHING! Just moved there. No bug spray. Just a used canister of ex-hubby’s police issue mace. I pretty much emptied the container of mace on it. My brother arrived as I was still screaming and jumping out of my skin! He said, “What’s wrong”! I showed him. He laughed and said, honey, that’s not real. It’s a toy! He picked it up and when it began to recover from the blast and started moving around in his hands, he flipped out too! Ran to the bathroom and flushed the monster into “Spider Heaven”. We still laugh about this!
That’s such a funny story. Those wolf spiders are horrible and, yes, they do raise up their front legs like they’re ready to right. Glad you both survived!
Wow on the turtle thing, I had no idea!
You are dead on about the rarely used closet hanging out spot for them – 2 years ago, I grabbed one of the spouse’s really old and really thick winter shirts because my work desk sits under a vent and when the A/C is on, I freeze to death – little did I know until it bit the back of my thigh (the shirt was REALLY huge on me, so yes, it hung down to my knees) that the shirt came with a bonus brown recluse hanging out in it. I ended up a day later at my doctor’s office because my thigh rapidly deteriorated into a huge infected mess – it was that fast. Brown recluses, I have since learned, are quite common here in St. Louis – ughhh! It took weeks and three courses of antibiotics and daily dressing changes to heal that area up, which by that time was the size of a soccer ball in circumference, and it has left a huge crater in the back of my thigh – it is not pretty and I will never wear a bathing suit or shorts ever again, it’s that ugly. I have no clues on how to kill your spider – after the one bit me, I squashed it hard with a big shoe before it got away. I did spray that closet thoroughly with peppermint oil and water mixed together because 2 people told me that spiders don’t like peppermint oil – I hope that worked. I will never borrow a shirt again from that closet either. (I went with an essential oil because I have a cat that likes to hang out in closets and can even open closet doors). I try not to ever spray my eye with them and I’m so sorry you were almost blinded by your experience.
Mark Wahlberg’s childhood friend who Turtle was based on died a few years back
Funniest post ever, Tamara! I feel for you when it comes to spiders – I hate and fear them! When I was a little child (about 10), my family was sitting in our living room in front of a lovely fire, and a frigging GIGANTIC (for England) spider ran up my arm and under the sleeve of my top. Now bear in mind, I am by nature kind of modest (except for my naked rain dances on my patio) but, even though we had company, I ran around the house shrieking hysterically, tearing off all my clothes. I didn’t have even tiny titties then, so it wasn’t like I was showing much, but I ended up in my schoolgirl knickers (a precursor to my current uber-granny panties) and nothing else. Shoes and sock had gone by the wayside. I was psychologically scarred for life. Anyway, I feel your revulsion, and that is seriously one scary looking spider within inches of your personal space. I think it calls for drastic measures, even if he/she/it does eat bugs. Time to get out the completely non-environmentally correct Raid for Spiders. You have to consider which of your enemies is the least conducive to your mental well-being. Bugs or mutant, carnivorous spider? Bugs or mutant, carnivorous spider? Ad infinitum. Spray all over that mini roof on the back stoop, don’t breathe it in, and be prepared for the hordes of spiders which will come crawling out of every crack and crevice. It will be the stuff of which nightmares are made.
I really feel your pain and think you are a very, very, very smart lady for staying inside, especially considering your recent near-death experiences. My thoughts are with you and Banjo.
Very funny essay. Sorry to laugh at your fear and pain. But we’re cruel because we laugh at a friend who is so afraid of spiders that he keeps cans of spray within reach in all parts of his house and garage. One of his best sprays has a large picture of a spider on the can and he’s so afraid of spiders that he taped paper over the picture so he doesn’t have to see the spider picture. Like I said, I guess we’re not very nice because we tease him about it.
Oh, for good news: My daughter is now volunteering at the shelter here and comes home with stories and pictures of such cute cats and dogs who all seem to get adopted very quickly, whatever their particulars. I’m always so relieved to hear that they’re all finding homes.
I’m not really terribly afraid of spiders. I did not enjoy the photos and the reading that I had to do today, but the good news is that brown recluse spiders are nocturnal. So this is just a really ugly brown spider that looks a lot like the photo above.
I’m probably going to live through this one. Now I have to decide whether to keep him around or not. He really does a fabulous job of keeping the insects away.
Keep him. He’s at the very least a decorative object through Day Of The Dead and what a plus eats your mosquitoes!
He’s not a very pretty web maker, which was another check mark in FAVOR of him being a brown recluse.
I found out yesterday I’m pregnant! So, that’s happy news here.
Congratulations!
YAY! This is great news. Except I know how it goes. For the next few months we will be seeing a lot of you and then you will suddenly disappear and have no time for us anymore.
Thanks, y’all. Oh, I’m always here! Multiple times a day. Rarely comment, but I am a trusted years long reader who won’t disappear!
So was TAFKAY and not too long after that baby I think she moved to Brazil or somewhere, presumably WITH the baby. I kept trying to suggest she could you know, REHOME the baby but as it turns out she was quite pleased with it. 🙂
Is this your first? Tamara is a very good name for a girl by the way, if you spell it properly!
and artist Yoya, had a baby and was around, now very seldom. Babies do keep a person busy.
When you have a baby you come here even more! Like at 4 in the morning when your baby has been fussing all night and you can’t sleep. ? I have faith you will stick around! Ha! Congrats!!
My fourth! And last. After this one I may need rehomed!
I live in a tiny house that was built in the 50 in Georgia with no air conditioning. It has about 1100 square feet and three bedrooms. One of the bedrooms, “the boys room is my library and not like a bedroom at all because one door opens to the kitchen and ANOTHER DOOR opens to the hallway (if you call a three foot hall a hallway.
My parents had two boys and two girls that they raised here with one bathroom. ONE BATHROOM is probably worse than no air conditioning in Georgia. They bought it brand new for around $12K and love it.
When mother turned 40, I was born, I we lived in Charleston for a while and then my brother went off to vietnam when I was very young. I was back in this house for a bit for a couple of years when I was four or five and then Daddy got some new job training and we moved to Libya when I was in the first grade. My two of my siblings were married at this point.
You see, I was an accident baby after my parents had their two boys and two girls. The oldest were almost out of high school when I was born.
The moral of this story is , USE BIRTH CONTROL or you will have an unexpected baby Tattles in your life.
Well, that is happy news indeed!!
Congrats!
Congrats Girl, happy smile. ?
Let him live and you can name him Howard.
So I think i just killed Charlie Brown. Yes I stupidly name him just before I went to see what he was doing. While from a literary stance, Charlotte is the go to name for spiders, but Charlie Brown did not look like a Charlotte. He looked mean.
Moments ago I determined that he was not nocturnal. THEN I CAUGHT HIM ASLEEP IN THE CREVICE OF THE THINGAMABOB ROOF THING over the back steps. Suddenly, I felt kind of murderous, so I doused him with Windex. This didn’t really kill him but he wasn’t able to walk across the eave thingamajig very well. He walked more like beer on my sixth trip to the box o wine after midnight. A wee bit wobbly.
Then I sprayed him some more and got my broom and swept him off. So now he is drunk on the weird concrete block “patio” my dad built before I was born, He’s probably going to sober up and return later to start his web again.
OR HE IS HIDING IN MY BROOM. CLEARLY I CAN NEVER BRING THAT BROOM BACK IN THE HOUSE.
So I am trying to get my heart rate down (tryna kill shit makes my heart kinda racy) so I can go to Publix and buy a new broom, some bug spray (not the mamby pamby granola eating organic shit) AND COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL.
And yes, I know some of you want me to post about the LVP nonsense today, and I may or may get around to it, BUT RIGHT NOW I’M JUST TRYING TO KEEP ME AND BANJO ALIVE IN A WORLD WHERE DEATH LOOMS EVERYWHERE!
Very well done.
So glad you took care of it TT! You do not want to mess with a brown recluse! They have a serious but painless bite and you may not know it’s happening.
We recently discovered we have a couple giant Bufo toads living close to our front door! One is about 6 inches but the other is about 8 inches and looks like it weighs about 5 lbs. They can be dangerous to pets as they have these poisonous ridges. So now we can’t freely let our dog out the front yard.
So here is UF wildlife short version of how to eradicate the toads. The longer version is almost comical.
The Bufo Toads are not native to Florida and can be dangerous to wildlife and pets so it is recommended to euthanize/kill them. Humanely euthanize any Cane Toads you find by rubbing or spraying 20% benzocaine toothache gel or sunburn spray (not 5% lidocaine) on the toad’s lower belly. In a few minutes, it will become unconscious. Put the frog in a sealed plastic bag it in the freezer for 24-48 hours to ensure that it is humanely euthanized before disposal.
They secrete a poison that you can get on your hands so of course I am NOT going to touch this Toad in order to rub benzocaine on its belly! And I am NOT going to put this beastly toad in my freezer!
So for now we carefully go in and out our front door at night and early morning hoping one is not too close that it jumps into the house!
TT- loved the spider story. Florida girl- I live in Miami , Fl and we have issues with the Bufo toads also. We have 2 Golden Retrievers and have to be aware of them coming in contact with the toads, especially at night. There is no easy graceful way to get rid of the toads. Two methods we have used- BB gun( yes when using the BB or pellet gun all safety measures were used) or a good hard splat with the backside of a shovel. Yes I know these methods will upset some but when you have seen a pet suffer and die from the Bufo poison you do what you need to.
You should always clean the arachnid or insect before killing it. Good job with the windex, but you should have used a hammer rather than a broom while yelling DIE DIE as you hit it with the hammer. Not only do you have a clean kill, but it also amuses the neighbors.
I was reading quickly because for an instant, I feared that Banjo was the second recluse.
Brown recluse spiders like to hide in shoes, so you’re might be a yours , especially since it thrives on your organic bug spray.
You could try blasting it, from a safe distance, with wasp spray. Maybe call in that brave soul who removed the dead animal from your yard?
You need a spider cam, so we can monitor this particular arachnid.
By the way, you are not old.. Just saying!
I am trying hard to think of something uplifting in my life this weekend.
OK. The man I drove to his oncologist this past week it taking an oral treatment that seems to be working! His doctor is encouraged by his bloodwork and scans and he says he isn’t feeling pressure from the tumor.
The drug is Capecitabine, but it converts to 5 FU after it is taken. I have to love FU in the name of something that hates cancer.
YAY! We made it at least a dozen comments into a weekend post before the cancer reports started rolling in! That might be a record and I didn’t even point out specifically this week THAT CANCER AND SICKNESS IS NOT AN UPLIFTING TOPIC!
Um, you’re might be a.. I don’t know what word was incorrectly corrected.. But your spider must be not so reclusive..
Our addition to the internet pet attorney firm is a beagle mix that came with Heartworms. He joined the practice in June and has fit in well. He and the demon (other dog) ignore one another for the most part. Monday was his 2nd in a series of shots to kill the Heartworms. Emmitt has decided that he has a sensitive stomach and prefers boiled chicken. Now he is not opposed to Doritos, animal crackers, or really any other foods. I have not yet signed the NDA so I can share that he gained 4 pounds since last month (totally blaming husband). My client, Banjo, wants more fancy foods from Whole Foods as payment for guard services rendered.
Your client is not speaking to you since I nearly killed him on a mountain hike and your office didn’t even acknowledge his pain and suffering and ask for significant damages.
The newest lawyer here at Internet Pet Attorneys was super demanding recently. Please let my client know we are back to business and prepared to mount a vigorous litigation against you on his behalf.
PS. Any plans for returning to the mountain trails? Need to make it your bitch.
Hi! I officially adopted my adorable borador (lab border collie mix, who knew there was such a term?) yesterday!
She’s heartworm positive and contracted it in Jackson, Miss and then transferred to a shelter in Chicago where I live. Her last injection was October 2nd and she has her Knott’s test at the end of the month. Praying for a negative test.
Wish I could post a photo! Good luck with your pup!
Welp. That’s two for heartworms.
I’m starting to think I should just add more banned words.
My beautiful rescue came to us heartworm positive 3 years ago. I can confirm after 2 huge shots in her back and a month of keeping her as still as possible, she is better then ever (our bank account is not). Who knew heartworm treatment was so expensive. She is a Golden Retriever/Brittany Spaniel mix and her fur came back in all shiny and thick. We love her to pieces!!
If it makes you feel any better, I lost most of my photos today because my camera went bonkers. Then because that wasn’t enough hi-tech drama, my brand new phablet overheated while I was shooting live video and the battery was racing towards zero. And this shit went down at a work event that involved me standing on an asphalt parking lot for some three hours. At least I got to see a Mariachi show.
This topped off my week from hell that involved a clogged kitchen sink, misbehaving cable internet wifi, a temporary (but still inconvenient) power outage, moi getting kicked out of a courtroom, and moi having to spend an additional two hours outside that courtroom because the outside “sidebar” went way longer than the actual hearing. It’s been as if I’m living the Alanis Morissette song, “Ironic”.
Such is life here in Vegasland. Perhaps there is good reason for us to lock ourselves indoors, or at least not stray too far from the front door. But because of the nature of my work, it’s only a matter of time (think, 32 hours) before I have to take another flight by the seat of my pants.
You guys SUCK at uplifting stories.
For a bit there I had you confused with the other guy out there on the west coast who makes pornos or something like that. I envisioned you shooting a porno in a paring lot with a mariachi band.
SEE? THAT WAS FUNNY and probably made you you smile!
But now I am worried about you getting thrown in the click with a bunch of Vegas hookers…gigolos? on a Friday afternoon. So yeah, back to NOT UPLIFTING!
I was giving you the opportunity to laugh at my expense. I’ve had that kind of messy ass week, and your spider story encouraged me to speak my messy truth.
Sadly there was no porn today, even though the event was a few blocks away from the big stripper clubs.
As for uplifting stories, give me three weeks. When I make it to Hawaii, I’ll probably start feeling much more lifted. Until then, I’m counting on you to help me survive these trying times. ?
You’ll probably abandon us while you’re in Hawaii having a fun and uplifting time!
Dear Tamara, let me help you solve your critter problems. To keep fleas, ticks, mosquitos, and other critters off my dog I put a few drops of vinegar in his drinking water. He can’t taste it but the critters can and they hate it. As for the porch light either don’t turn it on until you know you’re not going to be opening the door for the night or get a yellow light bulb. It detracts them.
Also I really need to come up with some boiler plate directives for commenting on these weekend posts that specifically list all the NOT GOOD NEWS THINGS, BUT THEN I WOULD STILL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT ALL THE NOT GOOD NEWS THINGS.
DOES ANYONE GET HOW THESE POSTS ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK?
But hey, as long as we are talking about tragedies,my Publix doesn’t sell Veuve anymore.The driving force that got me to PUT ON PANTS and drive there was to spend way to much money on a bottle of overpriced champagne that the upper middle class folks around here like to guzzle. I would be fine with Korbel most of the time… because, BOOZE! But this was a special day. First of all SO FAR I HAVE NOT DIED OR LOST ANY APPENDAGES DUE TO NECROSIS because there may or may not be a brown recluse spider living on my back steps, but also I was gifted the most glorious pair of champagne glasses the world has ever seen yesterday. So I thought it would be great to splurge on a ridiculously expensive bottle of champagne because I don’t think you are allowed to pour Korbel into these flutes.
BUT THERE WAS NO VEUVE! There was a Perrier Jouet but it was fifty some odd dollars when it should be about forty! SO I HAD TO BUY A CALIFORNIA SPARKLING WINE INSTEAD. It’s Chardon and was on sale for not much more than Korbel so I bought two bottles of that because I am going to need one just to deal with all of the TOTALLY NOT UPLIFTING STORIES in these comments.
I mean the post is about deadly spiders! What part of that doesn’t just scream uplifting story? I mean I DID LIVE!
so far….
OK, I figured it out. Here’s something uplifting: I found some wine at Trader Joe’s this week. There’s this really good French Rosé (no really, from Provence!) on sale (at least here in Nevada) for $6. It has notes of berries, but it’s not sweet at all.
I also found this Spanish Albariño from Rias Baixas (near the Portugal border) that’s also $6. It’s grown and bottled on the estate, and it tastes very fresh.
I haven’t had sparkling wine in a while. I used to be obsessed with sparkling Moscato, but I’ve been working to wean myself off the sweet stuff over the past year.
Yum think my DIL found the same wines there. On FB she shared a photo and called it a early Christmas at Trader Joe’s
I missed TT’s mountain hike story but that is my favorite type walks. I thought the Atlanta area was flat land. Guess I need a topographical mao.
I didn’t post the Banjo story because it was very traumatic at the time FOR REAL even though I wrote a funny version to my friend.
Maybe I will post it tomorrow and we can talk about cancer some more. Also, if y’all make me get my fat ass into the car and drive off to Trader Joes tomorrow for cheap wine, I’m going to be pissed because they don’t sell electrolyte water anymore and sell the PH kind now.
I won’t talk about Cancer, no interest.
This is a tragedy. No VEUVE?
THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING! This is so much worse than when I accidentally tried vegetable lasagna yesterday (DO NOT DO THAT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE).
The Chandon Brut will do but I think Brut must mean something else out in California where people are a bit more um, on the fruity side.
Oh and I dropped BOTH of the enormously expensive champagne flutes. Fortunately they were still in the boxes with perfectly form fitting protective stuff and in the rich people bubble wrap when that happened so they are both fine.
Now I just need to drink this stuff and stare at the flute.It’s really pretty.
See what Tamara did there everyone? She took what could have been a tragedy and turned it into good news. TWO bottles are always better than one. ?
I have a cold because Colorado goes 24 freezing snow to 70 sunny within 15 hours over and over and my body gave up trying to keep up.
I went to a high school football game today. It was fun. As I’m a loner, too, this was a different sort of day for me.
A suggestion re: the light and bugs. I have almost the exact situation. From April through October (I just took it down) this is what I use. It definitely helps in keeping them out of my place when I open the door at night . Hope it’s OK to post the link as I wanted you to see the size I use. It was about $35 when I got it 2 years ago. Maybe you can find it for less on eBay.
https://www.walmart.com/ip/Bug-Off-Instant-Screen-Door-with-Bug-Off-Instant-Screen-36-x-80/36979280
Thanks. I have a screen door. See the thing is the dog has to go in and out and also I would never be able to get that up. WHY DOES NO ONE LIKE MY DARTH VADER LIGHT COVER IDEAR?
Unless it really darkens the light i just don’t think it’ll help with the bugs. And the pic you posted didn’t look like it cuts down on the brightness too much.
I really wish I could post gifs here. The website sucks. I’M LEAVING THIS STUPID SITE FOR STUPIDS FOREVER!
Okay not really.
I is officially old people too, today, 60! BTW don’t spray non-organic insecticide in your eye either, bad idea.
Perfect day here to honest. 65′, not a cloud in the sky, trees are turning. Lovely Autumn day. Tell Banjo we said hey.
Happy Birthday!
It’s not my birthday! Or even my half birthday! I just managed to finagle my way into some really pretty champagne flutes and with the brown recluse and all, I’m living every day like it is my last. Because it’s seeming like a wise philosophy!
Absolutely! Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Good score with the flutes. Cheers to no more recluses. ?
Thank you Kris. I wasn’t feeling like moving yesterday and almost missed out on this glorious experience. But then I thought, “You know what, Tamara? No one is going to win that billion dollars. You just stay home and keep your money in your pocket and you will WIN TWO BILLION DOLLARS ON TUESDAY!.”
You know, if Inshallah, I live until Tuesday.
Wow, that was me tonight! I talked myself out of going at 8pm to get tickets for that billion dollars. I was too lazy to pull on leggings & go to the store a block away! Talk about a recluse, I’m a new species of lazy, a hermit recluse (or recluse hermit?) I hope we both make it out before Tuesday for our chance at becoming billionaires. I really should go to sleep now 😉
Tamara, thank you, you really work your butt off for us <3
Happy birthday Kris! I’m staring down the barrel at that number, please tell us your life is glorious and couldn’t be better! I suggest fibbing a bit if needed (or not, your choice) as our glorious leader is on a fabulous roll! I’ve laughed a lot tonight and haven’t come close to catching up! Good God TT can spin a tale (*sp tail?).
Hey TT. Check your email. I sent you some pics and info.
Speaking of pictures, I really don’t fear spiders, we get the occasional black widow in our bathroom and they visit the gardens as well. That spider picture is yucky! Bluck, yuck, gross me out disgusting!
I want a picture of your new flutes for goodness sake! TT, you want sunshine, rainbows and lolipops? Let us see these beautiful things that required clothing and a shopping adventure with a purpose!
I always kill black widows if they’re inside not outside…because I don’t want to deal with anyone getting bit, they grow them huge here and I’ve heard tales of ICUs and near death experiences so I just squash and flush, screaming the whole time mind you. Anything brown and or hairy gets let outside in a very large safety net of paper, toilet, towels, napkins…whatever is close and of course I jump frantically with screeching noises but I am not ashamed. Well I don’t think I am but after reading that I probably should be because I like to think I’m brave.
Ummm, solid NO vote on the Darth Vader lamp cover. That’s my vote.
Are ALL OF YOU SECRETLY STRAIGHT MEN? I don’t want helpful solutions to solve my problems. I want commiseration!
I want compassionate support about my difficult day.
DID YOU NOT READ THE PART ABOUT THE CRAPPY CALIFORNIA CHAMPAGNE I AM DRINKING OUT OF TEN MILLION DOLLAR CHAMPAGNE FLUTES?
No one understands how I suffer.
This is the first time anyone has accused me of being straight (except maybe those times when I was on the phone with someone who assumed I was a more mature woman).
We ? you, TT. Really, we do. If I could, I’d buy you one of the fancier wines at Trader Joe’s and bring the bottle to your house. I survived the crazy ass morning on the asphalt parking lot because I knew I could come here and chat with all the beautiful people here!
I’m talking about the allegedly natural born self identifying CIS Gender FEMALES HERE. Why are they all trying to fix the problem rather than sharing their own stories about filming pornos in a parking lot and getting thrown out of court like you?
It’s like they are just trying to keep me from dying so I can recap shows instead of telling me happy stories about gay porn. WHERE IS THE PORNO GUY? HE WOULD TELL ME FUN STORIES!
Tamara
here we go – don’t think of this as me throwing my significant other under the bus – this is the protocal should any spider – regardless of gender/length/origin of country, this is the procedure
– drop anything I’m doing
– stay on phone until she is 100% sure I know exactly where to find the offender
– I lose my hearing for a bit, as instructions are via phone at highest decibel possible
– climbing over/under , til I figure out it’s not the front yard, but the back yard
– meanwhile she is planning the washing of all our clothes/cpuboards, to look for friends of
offender
I have to send her multiple screenshots to ensure there are no offending insects wishing to target her. Never thought of taking picture and finding out exactly which insect wants to hurt her. Yes alcohol is the best “at the end of the day”.
I understand
For straight man, that was a valiant effort, Sam! You gave me no advice, and instead providing examples of your understanding nature. WHICH IS PERFECT! Unless I had wanted advice, which you would not know until you gave it and I shrieked WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME ADVICE? Because women are complicated.
I’m not really afraid of spiders unless there is the potiential for “tissue necrosis” and “possible death in old people.” Because, my friend, I have used my body well (by many a definition) and I assure you most all my parts are older than my physiological age. I feel like if I could give the government a medical opinion on the expected lifespan of my liver I should be allowed to start withdrawing from my ROTH like last week.
However, the number of women here suggesting yellow light bulbs and bug repellant hanging screen doors and simply moving on FROM MY NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE to discuss things like other people have cancer and dogs with heartworms is astounding.
Did I mention I have a magic flute?
IT’S A CHAMPAGNE FLUTE MOTHERFUCKERS! AND I’M STILL ON THE FIRST BOTTLE, BITCHES!
Somebody send me Vicki Gunvalson. Now there is an old bitch who knows how to WHOOP IT UP!
I would like a glass of Veuve, it’s been awhile since I’ve had one. Maybe one weekend we should all get a bottle and pop those corks together! I’ll pull out my fancy flute to enjoy it in. The ones I have but rarely use because I’m afraid SOMEONE ELSE will break it. Pick a date and time and we can whoop it up on a thread together!
I’m in!??
Veuve Clicquot. Reminds me of the time the Aldi ad claimed they’d have some on sale. Like a fool I believed them and actually drove to more than one to buy some. Unsuccessfully. So I can relate.
I found a good, really cheap red at Trader Joe’s the one time they offered Two Buck Chuck Montepulciano. Haven’t seen it since. I think it was just to convince people to try TBC.
Glad to hear you didn’t break the gorgeous flutes. I drop everything I handle any more. Waited to get past the small children stage so I could get out the nice things and now I’m too old to be trusted.
Black Box wine IN A FUCKING BOX is really pretty good. Especially the Merlot. Better than two buck chuck
(Trader Joes) and three wishes (whole foods) AND YOU GET A WHOLE BOX!
A WHOLE BOX!
I get the Bota stuff in a box, Malbec if they have it. Red Revolution of they dont.
That’s because you are dumb and never listen to me. Or because you are on the west coast and like fruity shit.
I just realized I should have said RETARDED because I can, because this is my site and now I am going to end up accidentally saying it again on Twitter and YOU will have to bail me out of Twitter jail.
Thanks for the tip. I will definitely try that.
Yick. The South and its bugs. I used to find black widows hiding in and around my old house. I am having a wonderful day. The house is clean and has stayed clean bc the kids are with their dad this weekend. And I have been lounging on the couch watching The Good Witch marathon on Hallmark all day. And I got to sleep in this morning. And I caught up on laundry. So there is a good chance hell has frozen over now that I think about it…….
Tamara so glad for this open forum I have been dying to ask you this question. Some viewers and I have been having this debate for a few weeks now. I think Cynthia is pregnant. Please go to her page and other photos posted by Nene, Kandi, Giselle etc. Her tummy is so round! Also, one of her captions with her new boo says “God makes no mistakes”. Most of her photos in the past month she has fanny packs or jackets tied around her waist. What do you think? I feel she is trying hard to hide it, so you can’t go by the order of her posts. Also, I feel it shows more in other HW’s photos of her since they are not overly concerned about photoshopping or choosing photos that best disguise her stomach when they post a photo with her in it.
PS. Good luck with your spider situation. That would terrify me!
Cynthia is 51 years old.
Miracles happen. Lol. If not, that’s one hell of a fibroid. Cyn is too slim for mid age spread. Jmo and it’s not fat, it’s just round. Oh well,
Sigh…..
Here’s my very happy news. One year since I was diagnosed with cancer. After a bilateral masectomy, I’m cancer free. I came in this site in the early a.m. hours after being fresh from my diagnosis. Cheryle burke and Lynn Duncan helped get through the crazy on that first week. I came here to share my news, thinking no one would read it, and I was blessed with so much support. For that, I’m a lifelong member. Thanks to TT for a forum, at that time, and for her written support. Life is good today.
Wow, what great news. Love to hear it and wish you the best.
Thank you.
Well fuck even I can’t bitch about THAT cancer news. CONGRATULATIONS CANCER PEOPLE! We finally have good Cancer news from you know, those previous places where we talked about CANCER.
xoxo Daintyfeets. So glad to hear you are in the clear.
Good news is good news. Thanks, Tamara, for having a place where I felt save to share at that time. You have no idea how important that was to me at that time. I felt safe commenting on your site, before I even shared with family. You’re not the big meanie you pretend to be.
Oh shut up, of course I am. And I couldn’t be happier for you. Xo
Congrats girl! That’s amazing news!!
AWESOME news!!
That is great news!!
Congratulations on you positive news! Fantastic news!
#cancersucks
As a recluse who doesn’t know any of y’all, I’m jumping into these comments because I need to hear happy stuff! I can’t relate to the spiders, but I had a snake problem when I lived in the country and would only kill them with my vehicle if I could run over them or a shotgun if I couldn’t. When they entered my house, I just screamed and hid in my bathroom with towels stuffed under the door until help arrived. I definitely understand the fear of death when scary critters make your home their home. I moved to a city.
Happy story: My company is for sale, and the close date is Monday. I’ve been working my ass of since May, and now we’re in the home stretch. I’d celebrate with champagne, but I don’t have any fancy flutes. Instead, I’ve been chugging apple cider and fireball from my very favorite coffee mugs as an anti-stresser and because it is fall, after all, and life is good!
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! THE SNAKES GOT IN YOUR HOUSE????
My mama used to hoe the snakes in the garden to death. I did not inherit the killing gene but could prolly shoot one in the yard. BUT IN THE HOUSE?
I have had a problem with mice or rats here several times. The first time, I left with my key to the house under the mat and stayed on Saint Simons Island where I called the rat guy and told him where the key to all my worldly possession were and told him not to call me until the all clear. He was a really sweet man who lived on the Alabama line and told me never to call an exterminator, tell him where the key was and say money is no object just call me when it was over EVER again. He barely charged me and took care of the issue again a few times. He also taught me how to seal the entry points.
I need a man like that! My worst snake experience was outside the house, thank goodness, but it was a black racer that kept charging at me. I know people here are going to say, “Never kill a black snake”, but whatever. Black racers willl bite and shake their heads until they do maximum damage to your leg. The first shotgun blast didn’t scare it. It slithered to the tree line, then came racing back. The second shotgun blast didn’t kill it. It came charging at me again! And that’s when something changed in me and I charged right back. I may have been yelling “Yippee Kiyay Mother f***er” as I shot it at point blank range. And that’s the day I became a legend in my own mind.
Great story! “Yippee Kiyay Mother f***er” – what a perfect combination of words. I have to remember that one.
My giant spider story ends with my .38. Too big to swat or stomp so I shot the damn thing right in my kitchen. Didn’t tell the hubs until he discovered the slug in the linoleum. Lyri I think the .1187 or the .410 would have been overkill. Happy cancer free day Daintyfeets!
Ha! That’s too funny, Navymommy! I hope your husband got a good laugh out of that.
AND CONGRATS ON SELLING YOUR BUSINESS! I HOPE YOU RETIRE SOMEPLACE LOVELY!
I do not know why I keep typing in caps. It is a sign of insanity. So um, oopsy daisey.
LIKE SHANNON BEADOR!!
Today it’s the third or fourth time it’s snowed so far this October…yay for living in Minnesota.
Tonight I’m watching a good, shocking Liferime movie, and drinking too much wine. Happy Saturday!
I was very afraid of spiders, leave the house and burn it down afraid. In college when I had roommates- would ask them to get rid of them. If no one was home I would grab a glass/cup from the kitchen and carefully place it over the offender. And leave.
One day while watching some terrible TLC show (it was the early 2000s) and some one on the show mentioned spiders and being very afraid – I said ‘that’s right girl’ burn that house down. My roommate looked at me and said are you reallly that scared??
I said – definitely, you are lucky I get even close to them to trap them in glass jars.
She looked at me dead in the eye and said – I pick those up and put them back in the cabinet.
She said she had been wondering for MONTHS why there were over turned clean glasses around the house every so often.
Every day I decide which new posters get to post here. I know what you are thinking, DON’T you want a lot of commenters? Nope not really. Lot’s of comments from sane people, or sanish people are good, but lots of comments are bad. Usually I can tell when there is going to be a problem. And then there are people like this. And its a coin toss, do we want more of this?
I mean, what happened to the trapped spiders? Did the roommate not see them under the jar or did they magically disappear?
Maybe she was trapping the same spider month after month? Lol
Yes.
TT, take care that the power doesn’t drive you mad. You are the ruler of your own world here and don’t you forget it. Keeping the insanity at bay is essential to the rest of us. Many a king or queen has been lost this way.
And Res, that was my poor attempt at humor and not intended to sound so mean or directed at you.
I laughed – and I sound crazy.
so hopeful that future posts sound sane.
This is why we can’t have nice things!!
I’m happy— got home from a two week vacation but was SO HAPPY to be reunited with our dog!! She’s getting a ton of snuggles and kisses and I’m always happy to have my little family safe in my home.
Dog loving is the BEST. No replacement.
GOOD STUFF FIRST: Chandon is EXCELLENT sparkling wine! The only other domestic to compare is Schramsberg. It is fermented in true champagnoise methode; for all PRACTICAL purposes it is “California Champagne” but only sparkling wine from the Champagne region of France can be called that blah, blah, blah.
The brut very dry with only trace sugar, the Korbel Natural (also delicious) has none. If you like a sweeter one, the Chandon now has rose, added after I quit drinking, it used to have Noir rose, which was dry and fruity. Go back and buy as many bottles as you can and if you don’t like it, bring them to dinner parties and tell everyone how SMART you were to recognize such a wonderful opportunity and regale them with factoids from the Chandon website. I DO miss sparkling wine, the only downside to me not drinking.
FRUITY IS THE OPPOSITE OF DRY!
I know it is, but it was both! Maybe a crabapple or quince fruit, it was DIVINE! Almost makes me want to turn into Nadine Bodine (my Mr. Hyde drinking self) again.
If you like a fruity sparkling wine, but not TOO sweet, Risqué by Toad Hollow is wonderful. And one of the best labels too.
Also there’s no excuse for Publix (I wish we had them we we live, I just spent two weeks ordering from them via Instacart) to not have Veuve. That’s a total bummer. But I agree, the Black Box wine is really good for the price point and product.
I’ve been drinking a lot of Josh Cabernet lately.
oh gawd….I laughed so hard at this I actually made my stomach muscles sore !!!!!
Now I cant cough without hurting.
I swear TT could have a career on stage…or….even better imagine a TT style novel about a woman’s non adventures or adventures.
What was that tragic -comedy movie long ago about 3 southern slightly dizzy sisters in a small town? One of them tried to hang herself from the chandelier but the chandelier fell down instead and she had to walk down the staircase dragging the chandelier behind her to get help untying the noose knot.
Something like that I can see TT writing.
I am pretty sure Sara is going to inherit all my worldly goods.
FINALLY.
Someone understands me.
Crimes of the Heart. I love that movie!!
Ha ha ha!
Uplifting News from Moi: I am in one of the hardest hit areas for Hurricane Michael. Happily, All I lost were trees, French Doors to the deck, carpet in one room and the blades from my carpet ceiling fans. My husband is alive and busy keeping his radio stations on the air and all of my fur bombs are well and happy and getting used to having no fence. All is good in my life in NW FL. I am glad the spider is through terrorizing you!
Glad things turned out wellish for you. Family, animals and what’s left of your old life are good things.
We just got an English bulldog puppy a few days ago and he is the cutest thing. He has blue eyes and is really sweet so far (fingers crossed he stays that way) we weren’t quite looking for a puppy but it all seemed to fall in my lap. I have two little boys (2 and 4) and deal with a lot of shit these days, literally. He’s sweet though and seems like the final piece to our family.
It’s BAD LUCK to kill a spider (my Mother’s words)!!!!. I was raised with the kind of spiritual insight that insists all life has a soul, a purpose and we must respect it. To this day, I pick up the dang things in a tissue/paper towel, carry them outside and release them into the wind (so it doesn’t mess with my Karma). Unless, of course, they are too big, too dangerous and ugly. Then . . . I hire an assassin! It’s funny the things we hand down from generation to generation. My grandchildren laugh and now say, “It’s bad luck to kill a spider unless we can’t carry them out on a stretcher”!
thanks for the smile, today, TT.
Dear Merriam -Webster. MY COMMENTERS ARE THE WORST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. Exhibit A
Google Bugasalt. the website use to have funny videos of how it all works in slow motion.
So I’m pretty sure my nightmares tonight will be about spiders and snakes. However I haven’t laughed so hard in a while.
I once discovered a huge black round spider in my toilet. I’m glad I have a nightlight in the bathroom. I flushed several times, but that sucker wasn’t going down. I didn’t need to clean him with windex as I had whirled him around in the water, so he was already clean enough, but using a hammer on him in the toilet just didn’t seem like a good idea.. So I grabbed a strainer and fished him out of the toilet, immediately covering the top of the strainer, and took him outside. Turns out he was a jumper! I don’t know what became of him, but I never saw him again.
Holy Moly TT, you’ve been thru hell and I’ve been sitting here pouting because my t.v. went out this morning and I can’t afford to get another one. I feel pretty selfish right now. Hope things get better in you and Banjo’s world ❤
We have a lot of those big brown spiders here in the Autumn in NC. They kind of have a red rear end if you look at them thru the window. Harmless but I still can’t stand em.
My good news: My college football team whipped the team my husband and kids all cheer for! I kept it classy but inside I am still obnoxious and screaming obscenely.
If you want to keep spiders AWAY and not have to deal with them in the first place, get some peppermint oil and mix with water and spray it everywhere because apparently spiders hate the scent of this. I’ve tried it and it works really well for me..
OMFG I AM TERRIFIED FOR YOU! You have to live through this season of Survivor at least. Please. I have never seen one of those brown recluse spiders in person. If I did, I would probably burn down near vicinity to the ground.
Also, no more hiking for you and Banjo. That was a scary enough experience! lol
I don’t live in Ca. and I like fruity drinks, like my Sangria. Now an I fruity???Yeppers!
Good news, my 14 year old car likes to climb the tree outside my room, she chases birds up with the hopes of catching one. She’s so adorable, Siamese with chocolate points.
If you and I were friends TT, I would come over and bring copious amounts of your favorite box o wine to soothe your nerves. I would even bring Banjo a new toy for keeping mommy safe.
The stray cat on the grounds just had a litter of kittens. Can’t wait to see them.
Hope today is better for you love
It just hit me that it is a good thing that you are not an Real Housewife Tamara, because those bitches likely would have smashed those flutes to smithereens by now.
I saw a comment on the Thomas Ravenel tweeting crazy shit on his boat a while back and when I hit the link, right below his photo was an ad for Walgreens. But all that was visible st first was the headline, the photo and the “Trusted since 1901” Walgreens tagline. Talk about a coincidental inappropriate visual.
We have a yellow garden spider in the backyard. His name is Rodak. I hope he eats mosquitos. I’m not trimming the bush he lives in because I luh him. I used to kill them with fire but I’ve changed. A little.
I’ve been wanting to tell this story for a minute. A couple months ago or so, a bird pooped a tomato seed underneath my mailbox. A little tomato plant popped up and we planted it in a pot. Let me stress, we’ve spent oodles on things for tomato plants and rarely got a ripe tomato, ever. Right now, I have like a dozen lovely tomatoes sitting on my counter. We’ve already eaten several and even after a cool snap last night, the few green ones are still looking good. Can you believe that shit? They’re delicious!
My sister hated tomatoes but would take them from mother to make spaghetti sauce. She rarely got around to making the sauce, her son hated taking out the trash and often missed the can. She had three or four volunteer plants one year that were the best tomatoes ever!
I went hiking with friends today in western Ohio. At the end of the hike, there was an area/exhibit where park naturalists are taking care of raptors (owls, hawks, eagles, and vultures), most of which had been injured and were either recovering or can’t be released to the wild yet. I love birds and it was really interesting and cool to see this place where they’re being taken care of.
I have a bottle of Veuve in my refrigerator right now. Tamara, you bring your fancy flutes over and we will open it up.
On another note, I was at the grocery store this weekend and they had pumpkin spice cheese. I bet it is terrible, but I bought it anyway to be sure. It claims to be Dutch. Have any of y’all ever had pumpkin spice cheese?
Where I live, we have Black Widows and those suckers are FAST. Found one in my barbecue – I thought “Die” and pushed the automatic ignition. That thing dropped out of the bottom before the flame reached it so I got out the big guns: my Spider Stick. A Spider Stick is a piece of wood AT LEAST 4 feet long, because you never know if a spider can jump. There has to be a flat end to it. Be brave, be bold and squish firmly.
Get this taken care of ASAP! Please get someone to spray the whole front porch! These spiders make all kinds of babies too. You do NOT want these anywhere near your home.
I was bit by a brown recluse about 5 years ago, one of the worst things to ever happen to me. I was bit at the base of my scalp right below my ear. The bite left a hole in my head the size of a silver dollar. I ended up in the ER twice in 18 hours to have the hole drained and flushed after becoming very sick. Two doses of antibiotics/IV, plus was I was given a take home antibiotic (you know you are sick when they give you the antibiotic in the hospital through IV). It was painful as hell and it was a nightmare all the way around. I am so grateful I wasn’t bit on my face like that America Idol contestant from a few years ago. She was bit on her cheek and had a hole the size of a small orange on her face for months. She said she wouldn’t even go in public (when she did she wore a mask) because it was so awful to look at.
The hole took two and a half years to fully heal. The bite causes a flesh eating type wound. And it is deep. I only started to get hair back on the spot after 3 years. My hair growth in that spot may be about 3 inches now. SO PLEASE TAKE CARE OF IT!
So, I have gotten the nerve to share what I have put off for around six months but think it’s time. It may be terribly better to keep it buried but let’s see.
I’ve been unable to walk due to both my knees being ruined since I am fat. Never ever, even considered a problem due to becoming an invalid. Every time I go to the ortho I received a lesson on how the knees work. I cannot drive, shop, walk, I go downstairs once or twice a month for appointments. I live in my master which fortunately is approximately 400-500sq ft. One knee has caused a fracture from it hitting the bones. I lately have been crying a lot from the pain. It feels like I have a broken leg.
Oddly enough, retweeting TT tweets have been a purpose and reason to have a job to keep me doing something I like and to me is something important. Gets me up and doing what I want to do. Especially if the funk pops up, then it must be done!! Relief comes shortly after.
I’m sharing this because I got in a bit of a “woe is me” and I think it’s helped. I have to stay positive, get the knees fixed, and realize that all this is temporary. It needs to be, so that is up to me to figure it out. So finally, I want to say thank you to all of you who are able to somehow be able to say exactly the necessary thing that makes this all seem better.
Your able to do things that are keeping me moving forward, and I would like it if you knew the value and importance that comes with each day. (My confidence has caused myself and my family to see I am worthy of their relationship) That alone has been almost too much, but wow, its mine.
I’m hoping that anyone who may need a ending similar to mine, it’s just waiting for you like my story was.
I’m happier to hear that you feel lighter and hope you continue. All the best.
Looking at posts like Cheryl’s makes me wonder just how many people are unhappy out there. I think it’s a lot. Really a lot. One day at a time, Cheryl. Good luck.
I know there are a lot of lonely people out there, too. If any of you would like my husband, you can have him. He listens to AM talk radio a lot nowadays, and believes it. I feel like setting myself on fire. When is that old lady commune thing going down? I’ve got some cash.
Thanks Sam, but my husband/ex-husband-roommate starts my day bringing me coffee, makes breakfast, lunch and dinner if I want, and will run to the store if I need anything. I try not to need too much except the coffee lol.
I don’t know what I’d do without him, but would absolutely do anything for him, if he needed.
And I have the lady commune as inspiration to be able to pull vegetables, plow fields, and drive a tractor lololololol.???????