UPDATE! Shannon and David went to court today. The judge apparently decided that they both need to keep David’s support the same (total of $22,500) a month until better financial records can be produced. He wants to wait until February when he can see their completed tax forms for 2018. That’s a bit early in the year for that. I’m lucky if my tax attorney gets mine done by the first week in April, and in fact it was late for the state last year so I’m looking for a new one.
Dear Emily and Gina, first of all I’m sorry I mix your names up all the time, but honestly it is not my fault. First of all, I’m half-retarded and secondly Emily looks like a Gina from New York, and Gina looks like an Emily. Secondly, I like you both very much (ignore my haters in comments, they are awful people, but they are MY awful people) but I really need you both to get the fuck over Shannon. We get it. She ignores you. Apparently you were told that Tamra’s storyline was how one-sided the friendship between Shannon and Tamra is this season. Shannon can’t be bothered with anyone else because she’s going through a divorce. Or selling fish with cream cheese in the middle. Or something. But for the love of GAWD we don’t want to hear about it anymore. Just stop! Your pal, ~tt.
Now take me to Jamaica, bitches! And make this good, I am missing The Voice for this, and this is the best season EVER! In fact, I haven’t even turned the show on yet because I can’t turn away from this first battle round. Okay, really. I’m starting the recap now.
The ladies arrive at the airport at 4am. It must be a hella long flight to Jamaica. It’s 84 degrees and 99% humidity. Not five minutes on the bus Vicki has to start talking about her libido. Please no. There are two penthouses and they have to split into groups of three. Kelly tries to force Shannon to bunk with the new girls. But it’s the tres amigas and Kelly goes to bunk with the Gina and Emily.
All the ladies are bitching about the heat. Shannon is petrified of Zika and so she won’t let her roomies open the windows. Zika is a pretty serious thing to worry about. Surely she has some organic insect repellent to use! I have some that I just sprayed directly in my eyeball last night! (don’t ask. Or read my Twitter line).
At dinner Shannon found out the rental house she is living in is being sold and she has to move at the end of her lease. She’s having a meltdown and Kelly pointing out this is a rich people problem and she should go “to the projects” and see people with real housing issues is not helping. I await that one commenter who will point out that calling this #RichPeopleProblems is offensive.
Tamra asks Gina about her living situation for her new birdnesting custody plan. Gina goes to a casita that belongs to some friend to stay when what’s his face comes to be with his kids. Shannon just literally turns away from the table and rolls her eyes. Then she gets on the phone. This has to be scripted. All Vicki sees is an opportunity to sell life insurance.
Vicki may need to go to the hospital already. She may be having an allergic reaction. Or heat stroke. Tamra dumps water over her head and tells her they are not taking her to a hospital on this trip.
The tres amigas go to a Himalayan salt spa Kelly will not shut up about her rash. The other three go to the beach to complain about Shannon. But then they start to enjoy the ocean. Shannon didn’t bring a swimsuit to the beach. She brought two huge suitcases but apparently no swimsuit.
The ladies are going river rafting. As Shannon points out, this is a great way to catch Zika. Seriously. No one in the history of the world has gone down this dirty river in Jamaica and lived. I’m sure of it. I would take a hard pass on this. It’s only two on a raft and Shannon says she will go with Vicki. This pisses off Kelly. Meanwhile, at Zika River there are literally signs that say “DANGER: Stay Away From This Area” and dogs who look to be near death. Probably from Zika. Stray dogs are to Zika as canaries in the coal mine are to carbon monoxide. Everyone knows this.
They do get you drunk at the bar first. That way you don’t feel all the infected mosquitoes biting you. Also, if you Google “Martha Brae” it automatically offers up “martha brae river drowning” as the first option. People died because they didn’t put on their life vests. Guess who is not putting on their life vests?
Tamra and Kelly are having a great time drinking every time their guide says “Yah mon!”Vicki is having another “allergic reaction” and Shannon is not thrilled by the entire experience. The other girls are having a great time. They pass a place with a rope swing into the water and Tamra and Emily want to do it. Tamra’s entire boob job comes out and the Jamaican dude gets a protracted view. Kelly swings but doesn’t go in the water. Vicki and Shannon go to the bar for a couple of red stripes. Vicki really is having some sort of allergic reaction again. Why doesn’t the crew carry Benadryl? They need it on almost every housewives trip. Vicki tells the Jamaican female bartender about Brooks, the very bad man, and her fear that Steve will break her heart again. The bartender says she’s had her heart broken twice. Emily finally swings on the rope without going in the water. Because, peer pressure.
When the other girls show up to sit at the bar, Shannon wants to go sit in the van. Vicki goes with her, so everyone feels like they should leave.
I wonder if Vicki caught Zika? And Kelly has had some sort of weird rash this whole time. I feel like they probably won’t make it through this trip without at least one person being seen by a doctor.
Next week: Shannon screams at everyone. Even Vicki and Tamra. Because she’s just a miserable person.