It’s finally time for the Southern Charm reunion finale we have been waiting for where Ashley gets her comeuppance.
First,we talk about Kathryn’s disappearance this season and how concerned everyone was for her. Why is Cameran wiping away tears already? Kathryn says that she is back on her medication. Craig says he feels bad that he didn’t check in with her on a more regular basis. Everyone is very supportive. They fail to mention she had both of her grandmothers pass around that time and a lot going on with Thomas and the multiple drug tests.
On to Shep’s liver. Shep talks about the difference between being brown out drunk and black out drunk. Apparently, when you are browned out, you can still remember some things. Shep admits he gets a lot of sex. I heard he flies in fans to sleep with. He doesn’t always use a condom. He probably has a few dozen babies out there. They talk about Shep’s fake dating show. Lots of talk about Shep and Kathryn hooking up. He says she is great in bed. Kathryn says there is always an annual reunion hook up, perhaps this year it will be Kathryn and Shep. We get a montage about Shep trash talking all the other guys. He’s a one-upper.
Andy asks Chelsea if her problem with Austen was more about Shep getting away with stuff or Austen not standing up for himself. Austen claims that he has stood up for himself with Shep. Andy asks if anyone with a penis in this room other than him has any ambition. No one steps up to say they do.With regard to Austen being cheap, Austen says that Chelsea always grabbed for the check first. She says she doesn’t mind picking up an occasional check, but no one else she ever dated would ever have let her pay for dinner. Austen tries to cry poor and Chelsea points out that she has an actual job and Austen has a family willing to bankroll whatever venture he wants to try, and he’s still not committed to even following through on the beer thing that is still “in the works.” Austen says he wishes it were that simple. Actually, it could not possibly be any simpler unless your mama were to make all the business decisions for you.
We see Tyson, Chelsea’s adorable rescue dog that was adopted from Georgia after being used as a bait dog in Mike Vick’s pit bull fights. She says that being on the show keeps her fully booked at her barber shop and she hears all the gossip. Wow I never thought about that. I need to go get my hair done in Charleston and keep my ears open. I bet she truly does know everything. Andy asks if she hears about Thomas. With a bit of prodding she says that one of her Daniel Island clients said they saw Thomas and Ashley having huge fights outside that got very intense. Thomas threw his leftover food at her and screamed, “You’re going to send me back to prison!” Wow. Then they talk about Chelsea possibly giving Austen mixed signals. Andy reads fan feedback dying for Chelsea and Austen to be together. What kind of fools want that for Chelsea?
After a break Ashley is taken out to the empty set and placed in Shep’s spot. Andy asks her about the four-hour wait backstage and she said she was ready to run many times. Kathryn wishes she had a water gun. Craig ran out at the last minutes with his pants down.
Ashley is super nervous. Andy asks if she has been watching the show this season and how it is going for her. She says she thinks that if people just understood her humor and how she likes to poke and tease and get a rise out of people they would not take things so seriously. Really? That’s her opening line? Just kidding! Ha! Ha! Don’t you have a sense of humor? That reminds me of Teresa Giudice trying to weedle out of the crap she used to say to Caroline. She’s not off to a good start. She should have hired a crisis manager.
Andy asked about her blatant anorexia and she says she just lost a lot of weight over the stress of filming. Andy points out they haven’t been filming for a while and the weight continues to fall off. She said it was the stress of social media and people making anorexia allegations.
Here we go with the Thomas lies. Andy asked her to describe the first time they met in Santa Barbara. She claims that the first thing that Thomas asked her is what she does for a living. Well, we know that is bullshit, but perhaps she does have a crisis manager because she seems to be trying to drive the narrative away from being someone who hangs around polo fields in search of old men to support her to someone who is a loving caregiver to patients in a hospice setting. No one is coming along for this ride.
She says that her relationship with Thomas is great and that he is very romantic. She loves scaring him. Andy picks up on that right away as a kernel of truth. She’s scaring him alright but not with “little fake bugs” and “jumping from behind doors.” It more like bugs that are listening devices and jumping into his computer files. She is extremely nervous telling these lies about how she and Thomas prank each other in the shower. No one is believing a word she says. Naomie and Cameran’s eyes may actually get stuck in the back of their heads.
Andy asks about the investigation. I feel like these questions were provided to her prior to landing on the couch at the request of whoever is trying to coach her. With regard to the investigation, she says she has seen a new Thomas. She says it is humbling. They are staying in the house and under the radar right now. She has seen as softer, more sensitive, kinder, and more supportive version of Thomas. Kathryn’s face is permanent fixed in the “I just smelled a really bad fart” face. This is all sort of eerie. Other than Shep making a Norman Bates comment about the “shower play” between these two love birds no one has said a word. She basically saying Thomas treats her better since the charges were filed. She says that everyone wants to be with you when you are “up top” but it is who is with you when you are “down there” that matters. And I told him. I just said, “I am not leaving!” oh we do believe that.
Since she hasn’t brought it up, Andy asks her if she expects him to be cleared. She says,”Of course, yes. I mean it’s all hearsay! He’s not been charged with anything. These are all just allegations. It used to be you are innocent until proven guilty. Now you are guilty until proven innocent.”She looks at the floor for that entire statement.
It’s time to get shady. Andy turns to Kathryn and brings up the hook up between Thomas and Kathryn after the season four reunion. Craig is grinning ear to ear. Kathryn has a smile on her face. Thomas started dating Ashley in May and the reunion was filmed in June. Andy asks how Ashley felt about hearing about the hookup. Ashley claims that Thomas told her in July and further claimed that Thomas doesn’t lie and he was straight up about it. Everyone’s expressive faces on this episode are the highlights of the whole shit show.
Then they talk about her interacting with Kathryn’s children one week after they started dating. Ashley thinks that is just fine. Then we move on to the alleged sex in the bathroom at Shep’s birthday party. I still say they were doing coke in there. Ashley claims that Thomas only has sex on the bed. Kathryn laughs and says that’s not true. Pretty much everyone is laughing at Ashley. Naomie points out she can’t think of any other reason she would go into a bathroom with her boyfriend at a party. Ashley gets defensive and said she was nervous and it was her first time around everyone (and on camera.) Perhaps she finds giving head in the bathroom relaxing. Who are we to judge?
Next up is a montage of Ashley begging Thomas to marry her. Andy says clearly if Thomas asked you to marry him she would say yes. Ashley has a long pause before saying she is not there yet. He asked her what has changed? Is it the allegations? She of course denies that it is that. She says that once she started working she realized she needed to pump the brakes and just enjoy dating.
Andy moves on and reminds her that everyone thinks she is a gold digger. He says that Tinsley Mortimer tweeted that Ashley really, really wants to be T-Rav’s widow. Oh, buuuurrrn. From Tinsley Mortimer, gold digger extraordinaire. Ashley says if she wants to meet someone with money she can find someone with more money than Thomas. That is not money to her. She comes from Montecito. She says she dated guys there her own age with more money than he has. The lies! The lies! This one spews. Then she says of her last three boyfriends, one was a DJ, one was a bartender and one was a server and she made more money than they did. She’s finally getting pissy about all of these questions. She’s very offended by the gold digger comments. Again everyone laughs.
The next jab at Ashley comes from a viewer who wants to know why she is still with a douchebag like Thomas who flirts with Kathryn every time she is in the room. Ashley says Thomas’ blatant flirtation with Kathryn doesn’t bother her at all because she is so secure in their relationship she knew she was going home with him. So production play a montage of her insecurities around Kathryn and her admonishment to Thomas about it. She again claims she is not insecure.
Ashley is becoming increasingly more uncomfortable with each question and is picking at herself. I wonder if she is a cutter? Andy move on to Thomas posting a photo of her trick or treating on Halloween with him and the kids. She says she invited Kathryn. Kathryn responds with why does she think it is her place to invite her? Ashley lashes out now with, “I’m so sorry that I asked you to want to spend time with your children. I’m so sorry. You should want to jump through fire to be there. You could have been there.” Andy points out that she probably didn’t want to go treating with her kids and her exes new girlfriend. Ashley says she didn’t need to go with them. She could have been at the house handing out candy! Actually she doesn’t get to stay in the house. She’s in an apartment down the street.
We are still pretending that the scene in the fashion store with $10K on Thomas’ credit card was real.
We move on the fallout between Ashley and Patricia. She says that they fell out because she was inciting her to go against Kathryn. Ashley demands that Kathryn look at her. She says that Patricia was glad that she and Thomas were getting along so well because that insures that Thomas never gets back together with Kathryn. Then she says her biggest regret was going on that shopping trip with Patricia instead of going on that shopping trip with her. Almost in unison, Andy and Craig say, “That’s your biggest regret?!!!” She says yes. Craig pipes up with , “So if you could change one thing, that is what you would change?” Again, she says, “yeah.” Austen’s face is dumbstruck. I mean way more than usual.
Andy presses Ashley on what specifically ended her relationship with Patricia. Here comes her big nonsensical lie. “Well someone was calling Thomas a lunatic and everyone was pretty much saying it was Kathryn. And when I realized it was this other person that she’s familiar with (Andy says loudly, someone else, because I don’t think they are allowed to mention Luzanne’s name on the show) I told Patricia Thomas is hurt. What do you have to say about this?” Many people are confused. Because this is all a lie. Luzanne doesn’t even have social media. She says that Patricia was telling her about all of Kathryn’s “troll accounts.” She is the one with all the troll accounts. She is the one that was contacting any fool who was slightly positive to her and recruiting them to her little private boards and instructing them to go after people. She’s now backed herself into the crazy corner.
Shep says that’s not how it went down. He observed Ashley and Thomas systematically blowing up their relationship with Patricia on Twitter. Thomas tweeted to Patricia to go back to New York. Ashley also came for Patricia. And that is how the relationship between Thomas and Ashley and Patricia went up in flames.
These Hilton Head scenes really drive home the incredible amount of weight Ashley has lost since that filming. She has to be six sizes smaller. That’s drugs. Andy plays a medley of Ashley’s revolting comments in Hilton Head. He read some viewer insults including, “Ashley is literally the devil.” Then we see Thomas coming at Chelsea on the boat ride back. Only Austen made any move to protect her. Kathryn said that is the Thomas she knows. He becomes enraged, his eyes go back and he’s foaming at the mouth. The stupid cunt pipes up with, “He says the same about you.” Cameron tells Ashley that is it not normal for a man to speak to a woman like that. She says Thomas was just worried about where they were going to stay that night and for their safety. Her lies aren’t just unbelievable, they are stupid and don’t apply to the situation at hand at all. Thomas is threatening a female with violence and her excuse for that behavior is he was just worried about their safety for the night? The entire house was worried about their safety if they let you two fucknuts back in the house. She is certifiable. She tries to say that Thomas behavior was out of line but we see her at the time smirking and calling everyone Kathryn’s enablers. Then she says that Kathryn almost missed her last drunk test. She was working, she got caught in traffic, and she made it. She claims Kathryn has only ever taken four drug tests. That’s not true. We’ve seen her black and blue arms in multiple episodes this season. Ashley says that if it was about her kids she would have been there at 8 o’clock in the morning. Kathryn points out that none of this is Ashley’s business and she doesn’t seem to realize what a complete asshole she is. Everyone one laughs at her again. Ashley turns to Andy and says, “Next, Andy.” Oh you know he hates when people say that.
Next is Ashley’s psycho behavior on the stairwell toward Chelsea. She just kept repeating “Chelsea” over and over it was like a really scary movie. She said that just because you give birth doesn’t make you a mother. Andy points out that is a really horrible thing to say. Ashley agrees and says she was being a bitch. Ashley offers no apology.
Andy asks if there was anything she said in Hilton Head that she would like to apologize for. She says yes, but then she simply apologizes for saying it on camera in front of everyone instead of pulling her aside and sharing her feelings. She still doesn’t get that no one gives a shit about her feelings. She is not entitled to have feelings about Kathryn and her relationship with her children. She is such a dumb bitch. So fucking dumb. Everyone points out that she is apologizing for where and when she said the disgusting comments but not for the disgusting comments themselves. Ashley says she believes everything she said and asks if they want her to lie and say otherwise. Cameran thinks that Thomas has brainwashed her. I do not. I think that Ashley is working her own bizarre agenda.
Next we have yet another montage, this one is of Thomas trash talking Ashley. Andy asked if watching that bothered her. At first she admits she was shocked to see it and that it was a point of contention between Ashley and Thomas. Then she flip flops and says he was just trying to get a reaction and it’s all entertainment. Then she says we don’t know what is said behind closed doors. Kathryn says she does! LOL. Shep says if this is how y’all behave with all the cameras on you, behind close doors behavior must be horrendous! Ashley tells Shep not to judge. Are you fucking kidding me? She’s been the judge and jury of Kathryn all season. She is trying to pretend that no one understands the wonderful relationship she has with Thomas
Cameran points out that Charleston is a small town where everyone knows everything. Cameran said what people are hearing that her relationship with Thomas is very volatile and not good at all. Andy brings up the story about Thomas and Ashley fighting outside a restaurant (I thought it was his house, I must have misunderstood) and Thomas throwing his leftovers at her. She gets really quiet and puts her head down in her lying position, and says “No, he was not throwing leftovers at me. He was upset because I was leaving and I handed him the food and he threw them. It was me. I was being a brat.” Oh this is good. Right before she answered this question, Cameran was talking about how Thomas’ behavior is not normal and Craig said to Ashley, “It’s not your fault.” This gave Ashley 30 seconds to come up with her response which is now SO MUCH PLAYING THE VICTIM. I don’t think she is the victim at all I think she is blackmailing the living shit out of him and I don’t feel the least bit bad about Thomas being on the receiving end. These two deserve each other. Now she is saying it is not fair to talk about that situation because Thomas is not here to defend himself.
Cameran keeps harping on Ashley about all the horrible things Thomas has said about the mother of his children. Then she brings up all the horrible things Thomas has said about her to all of them. Ashley says all of that has changed. Then she asks if this is an intervention. She keeps asking that we please trust her judgement. Who the hell would trust her judgement. She with a guy who shit talks her. She’s asked every other member of the cast if they would date her if she dumped Thomas. She’s running little troll farms on the Internet. She’s attacking some poor woman on the west coast you made the mistake of going out with Thomas a few times and then seeing him for what he was and dumping him. She’s violating the HIPPA rights of her patients all over the Internet in the most disgusting videos she sends to her trolls. She’s attacked the mother of her client’s children. I meant the list goes on forever and I want to get this up tonight. Cameran tells Ashley to save herself and go back to California and have a nice life while she still can.
Kathryn ran into Patricia in a restaurant and a waiter summoned her and Patricia apologized for misjudging her. Patricia recently went out to visit Whitney and Luzanne in LA and Kathryn tagged along and the entire trip looked like lots of fun.
And now for what may perhaps be the final pin in the Ashley balloon we bring up the escort rumors. Ashley herself left a comment on that blind. Wonder why? Naomie says that her roommate is from Santa Barbara and when she inquired about Ashley that was mentioned. As the story goes she would hang out at the polo fields during the season and then spend the off-season in Las Vegas in the casinos. Once again Ashley is trying to say that Luzanne started the rumors. Again, Luzanne has no connection to anything other than being set up with Thomas by Patricia and being friends with Patricia. Luzanne has nothing to do with Ashley other than being the victim of a terrible smear campaign led by Ashley on social media. Thomas invited Luzanne to the reunion last year and she declined. Ashley was livid that she was not invited. Thus her jealousy turned into criminal behavior. And she still can’t stop talking about her.
Kathryn says that he had Ashley sign an NDA regarding her relationship with Thomas and it certainly appears that money has changed hands. Craig say he thinks that Ashley is threatening to testify against Thomas in court and she is holding that over his head. Kathryn thinks that Thomas is afraid of what she will do if he breaks up with her. Ashley starts defending the relationship saying all of the bad times are behind her and she is very secure in her relationship now. Then she ends a long rant with “And you’re not going to be invited to our wedding.”
On to the threats at the ball where she called Kathryn nothing more than an egg donor. Kathryn reads Ashley the riot act for saying those things to a mother. Then Ashley brings up Kathryn losing custody of her children. Andy says that he has to commend Kathryn for her behavior outside the ball because he thinks that would have caused him to get physical in that situation. It’s completely unacceptable behavior.
Kathryn tells Ashley that she doesn’t feel comfortable having her around her children. She says, “You are an unkind, hateful, sadistic person and unfortunately if you need to have this message delivered to you like this I will deliver it.” Ashley says she would love to try to make amends. She made no effort to do that for the past hour.
Ashley is a hot mess back stage. They had to send to lady sitters to keep an eye on her at dinner.
They try to end with some positivity. Kathryn’s grace and restraint and a toast to five seasons with Austen’s beer that everyone (except Kathryn who had coke) agrees is very tasty.
And that’s a wrap for the season.