I cannot wait for next season when Ashley is off the show and Thomas is as well. There have been a few people on this show in the past that I strongly disliked, but I don’t recall the sense of dread I feel recapping these two. I pray for a lot of Craig scenes tonight. I love me some Craig even though he’s a damn yankee.
We begin in Hilton Head with Victoria telling Austen she’s done with him. Whitney cracks a joke to Ashley’s face and Thomas laughs his head off. It seems that Ashley wants to go in the hot tub with Whitney. He’s just not feeling it on any level. He’s eyeing the door to go to his private set up down the street away from the crazy.
Chelsea tells Austen that seems to think she has to distance herself from Austen if he wants to date Victoria. It is kind of weird to have your friend date your ex.
Shep goes of to see his family. The other guys head back to the Holy City. Chelsea and the girls are going to take the long way home so Chelsea can drive by her old stomping grounds. Thomas the harlot (I am going to try to use my extensive vocabulary tonight for as long as I can so that I don’t give some of y’all an aneurysm using the world cunt fifty billion times again) drive back together after discovering everyone else left without so much as a “see you next Tuesday.”
Shep visits his mother and tells her that Kathryn is taking him to his knee surgery and picking him up afterward. Shep tells his mother that he doesn’t think he will ever have a conventional relationship. I think that is for the best.
Chelsea’s tour of Bluffton as if it is some sort of ghetto is odd. I look at houses there all the time. It’s a sleepy little low country town on the May river with a lot less yankees than Hilton Head. I’d love to own that house that Chelsea used to live in. Chelsea breaks down crying in her Lexus because her step dad died when she was eight and since her mom never really married him the were left with nothing. Le sigh.
Kathryn and Shep bond on the way to his surgery. After surgery, Shep is wheeled out to the SUV in a hospital gown and hairnet (why?) with Kathryn in his wake carrying his clothes and medications and his print outs of his after care. He’s loopy on drugs.
I hate that I don’t know all the restaurants in Charleston/Mt. Pleasant anymore. This show makes me miss that area so much. Austen picks up take out and goes to visit Victoria. He tells her that he took Chelsea aside the first night in Hilton Head to let her know that they were back together. Victoria is upset about the photo of Austen and Chelsea on the boat. Victoria seems to want to draw a line in the sand. But for now they are going to move past it. I see Victoria’s point and would probably be livid in her situation, but from an outside perspective, it seems clear that Austen wants to date just here. Perhaps because Chelsea can’t commit. But still.
Cameran had her baby off camera! I am sure that was at her husband’s request. Good for him. I love that she calls the oh shit handle the oh shit handle. I get in lots of arguments with people as a passenger for being a nervous passenger and holding on for dear life while telling them to slow the fuck down. I drive the speed limit in the right hand lane ever since that one incident where my boyfriend was driving me home from the beach, probably IOP I don’t remember, and I was drinking and he was driving and things got a bit frisky and he drove us off a cliff. For real. It was very difficult to explain to the officers that I was not in fact driving. Were it not for the fact that there was a Styrofoam cooler between my legs in the passenger seat and my legs were all cut up with glass and I was half nekkid… then. Um, perhaps I am over sharing.
Cameran is just happy that Palmer came out cute. That was the point. Sorry for the digression.
Craig is in therapy. Craig is very thin. He is talking about making pillows for Patricia’s “pillow line.” I’d love to say lots of crap about the concept of Patricia having a pillow line. But I am finding it very difficult to continue my hate on for ole Patti due to her defense of Luzanne who I happen to like a lot. And Luzanne like’s Patricia a lot. And there are so many more hate-able people this season. Did Craig just admit he is a great liar? The therapist wants to know why he is lying. OH! Pick Me! Pick Me! I Know! The therapist said the next time they talk they are going to have to talk about how he isn’t nice to himself and why he is such a liar. He doesn’t want to go there, and I kind of don’t want him to either.
Lord I am typing too much. We are only half way through and haven’t even gotten to the big Birthday party fiasco yet! I’m telling y’all Rosé goes down too fast! Why is Kensie’s hair so short? Did Thomas shear her again?
Thomas and Ashley have a talk about Ashley’s strumpet-like behavior toward Kathryn in Hilton Head. Thomas’ attitude about Ashley ‘s feelings toward Kathryn are summed up in his two word response, “too bad.” Thomas starts talking about needing space. He’s being a total dick. He seems high. And lecherous.
The party site is cute and not over the top. Kathryn and Thomas working together to fill gift bags was cute. I love that it is a very kid friendly environment and not some over the top Bravo crap. Finally, a party that a two year old would enjoy. It is his birthday after all. Austen announces that Craig and his boyfriend have arrived and laughs. Shut the fuck up Austen. I really think Craig needs a much hotter boyfriend. But if he’s happy, I’m happy. The party was adorable. More importantly there were no blow ups.
Kathryn brings Shep some soup and goodies to aid in his recovery. Shep seems to really like Kathryn. And her kids. But NO NO NO on a relationship between these two. She is a mom and he is a player. They are just friends.
We end, I hope, with the little twat and Thomas talking about the birthday party. Her first question was “Was I thought of?” No whore, you were not. Ashley says the kids were not thought of when she got pregnant despite the fact that he told her from day one he wanted to get her pregnant. And she says they were never in love. Bitch, he is still in love with her. Despite the fact that he and a SHOW PRODUCER wanted her to abort Saint and ALLEGEDLY the producer told her that her job depended on it, Because, Haymaker. I REALLY need Bravo to fire Haymaker too. It’s a shit production company.
Thomas at least makes it known that when the hussy disrespects Kathryn she is disrespecting him and his kids. She says, “okay well I feel disrespected too.” That’s because you are a SHITPERSON. You deserve to be disrespected ALL DAYUM DAY until your anorexic ass goes back to “Cali” where you came from. By the way, people who are actually from California do not call themselves “Cali Girls”. Perhaps you meant to say Call Girl? She can’t imagine why he doesn’t want to come home to his naked girlfriend lying in bed. It is beyond all her comprehension. First of all, she is not allowed to sleep in his house. And furthermore, she’s the side piece in the flop house he has for whores. Did I use whore yet?
Next week: Ashley is still a cunt (sorry I tried I just couldn’t do it. Austen paid $400 for some special beer we are supposed to believe is going to be an IPA, and that womanizer JD gets more airtime. HIS FUCKED UP ASS NEEDS TO BE OFF THE SHOW FOREVER WITH THOMAS. Victoria and Chelsea get into it over Austen.
Sorry for the delay, I blame the Rosé.