Vanderpump Rules Season 6 sends us into that good night with Secrets Revealed, an entire episode of footage too boring to include in the actual show. There’s a new scene of Lisa Vanderpump ogling Lala Kent’s breasts. Another of her counting Lala’s coins. Lala assures us she’s well taken care of. It’s unclear if Lala’s mother and boyfriend know they’re both paying her rent but either way, she’s making bank. Here we thought Lala was a simple Sugar Baby. She’s been Joanne the Scammer all along.
We dive deeper into desperation with Jax. He needs upkeep and getting his plastic surgeon on Bravo is how he’s paying. This time around, he needs less jaw. All those hours of gnashing his teeth have left him looking like a meathead. Sandoval,
to ensure the scene makes it to air along for the ride, cracks witty about Jax’s ridiculous, unnecessary procedures. Proving he’s as oblivious to his own hypocrisy as his friends, Tom #1 brags about getting botox behind his ears. So they don’t wiggle when he smiles. You can’t script this, folks.
The Vanderpump Rules ladies think it’s edgy to sit around and discuss lesbianism for the male gaze. Anything for some camera time…
Andy Cohen almost redeems himself when he asks Scheana what happened to her ginormous wedding photos. One went to a forward-thinking fan. Another went to the Museum of Broken Relationships (an actual, real place in desperate need of a Jax Taylor wing). The rest have been hermetically sealed and stored for display at the Scheana Marie Shay Parks Valletta Bieber The Weekend Clooney Shay Presidential Library.
The Toms meet up with Shay behind Scheana’s back. Shay seems like a boring guy that dodged a bullet. He wishes Scheana the best (even if he feels a little sorry for the TV-hanging virtuoso). Schwartz, just deep enough into the cups, goes off the rails. Rob, Rob, Rob. Rob, Rob, Rob. Scheana, stop trying to make Rob, Rob, Rob a thing.
Everyone knows Scheana is delusional but no one cares to say it to her face. Sometimes it takes the Village Idiot to do a hero’s job. On one of the more painful “My Man Has A House” double dates of the season, Raquel tells Scheana she moved on too quickly. Luckily, Scheana’s too busy ruining my night (announcing Rob’s pirate plundered her Grey Gardens) to hear a word. I fucking hate her. While listening to Rob pontificate about his one that got away (Princess of Brunei, Princess of Brunei, Princess of Brunei), James crafts the perfect description of Scheana’s reluctant paramour: “Ah, god. Scheana’s boyfriend, Rob. Seems like a nice guy but… you know. Rob’s definitely a step up from Shay, I don’t mean it, but it’s like, they kind of… He’s just kind of like… I don’t know. Whatever.”
- The Toms enable Jax.
- The WoWeHo treat Brittany to a vitamin drip.
- More footage proving Lala right about Tom Sandoval’s trumpet skills.
- The Priv ad.
- Billie’s face when James accuses Lala of cutting off her balls (okay, that one I kind of care about).
I don’t care about stupid Tom Sandoval scenes that waste my time:
- Trumpet embouchure, trumpet embouchure, trumpet embouchure.
- Sandoval thinks Brits used to speak with American accents. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
- When Sandoval does his Zoolander act, he thinks he’s in on the joke. He’s not.
Suddenly I feel like I’m having one of those acid flashbacks all the kids talk about. I don’t know if I can trust my eyes. Has the all-cast party morphed into Beach Blanket Touch In Public? The girls swig from their wine purse. Sandoval strums an ukulele. Carter dances in and out of frame. It ends, as these things always do, with Schwartz’s ass on Sandoval’s head. Please tell me someone else saw that. My feeble brain couldn’t have made that up.
You know what? There’s no way the last 5 minutes can top that artistry. I’m flipping the script and going out on a sweet note. Thanks for your conversations and comments. They mean the world to me. See you back here, next year, for lucky Season 7! And if you miss me too much, check out my RuPaul’s Drag Race recaps… You won’t be sorry you did.