Vanderpump Rules Season 6 sends us into that good night with Secrets Revealed, an entire episode of footage too boring to include in the actual show. There’s a new scene of Lisa Vanderpump ogling Lala Kent’s breasts. Another of her counting Lala’s coins. Lala assures us she’s well taken care of. It’s unclear if Lala’s mother and boyfriend know they’re both paying her rent but either way, she’s making bank. Here we thought Lala was a simple Sugar Baby. She’s been Joanne the Scammer all along.
We dive deeper into desperation with Jax. He needs upkeep and getting his plastic surgeon on Bravo is how he’s paying. This time around, he needs less jaw. All those hours of gnashing his teeth have left him looking like a meathead. Sandoval, to ensure the scene makes it to air along for the ride, cracks witty about Jax’s ridiculous, unnecessary procedures. Proving he’s as oblivious to his own hypocrisy as his friends, Tom #1 brags about getting botox behind his ears. So they don’t wiggle when he smiles. You can’t script this, folks.
The Vanderpump Rules ladies think it’s edgy to sit around and discuss lesbianism for the male gaze. Anything for some camera time…
Andy Cohen almost redeems himself when he asks Scheana what happened to her ginormous wedding photos. One went to a forward-thinking fan. Another went to the Museum of Broken Relationships (an actual, real place in desperate need of a Jax Taylor wing). The rest have been hermetically sealed and stored for display at the Scheana Marie Shay Parks Valletta Bieber The Weekend Clooney Shay Presidential Library.
The Toms meet up with Shay behind Scheana’s back. Shay seems like a boring guy that dodged a bullet. He wishes Scheana the best (even if he feels a little sorry for the TV-hanging virtuoso). Schwartz, just deep enough into the cups, goes off the rails. Rob, Rob, Rob. Rob, Rob, Rob. Scheana, stop trying to make Rob, Rob, Rob a thing.
Everyone knows Scheana is delusional but no one cares to say it to her face. Sometimes it takes the Village Idiot to do a hero’s job. On one of the more painful “My Man Has A House” double dates of the season, Raquel tells Scheana she moved on too quickly. Luckily, Scheana’s too busy ruining my night (announcing Rob’s pirate plundered her Grey Gardens) to hear a word. I fucking hate her. While listening to Rob pontificate about his one that got away (Princess of Brunei, Princess of Brunei, Princess of Brunei), James crafts the perfect description of Scheana’s reluctant paramour: “Ah, god. Scheana’s boyfriend, Rob. Seems like a nice guy but… you know. Rob’s definitely a step up from Shay, I don’t mean it, but it’s like, they kind of… He’s just kind of like… I don’t know. Whatever.”
I don’t care about stupid scenes that waste my time:
- The Toms enable Jax.
- The WoWeHo treat Brittany to a vitamin drip.
- More footage proving Lala right about Tom Sandoval’s trumpet skills.
- The Priv ad.
- Billie’s face when James accuses Lala of cutting off her balls (okay, that one I kind of care about).
I don’t care about stupid Tom Sandoval scenes that waste my time:
- Trumpet embouchure, trumpet embouchure, trumpet embouchure.
- Sandoval thinks Brits used to speak with American accents. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
- When Sandoval does his Zoolander act, he thinks he’s in on the joke. He’s not.
Suddenly I feel like I’m having one of those acid flashbacks all the kids talk about. I don’t know if I can trust my eyes. Has the all-cast party morphed into Beach Blanket Touch In Public? The girls swig from their wine purse. Sandoval strums an ukulele. Carter dances in and out of frame. It ends, as these things always do, with Schwartz’s ass on Sandoval’s head. Please tell me someone else saw that. My feeble brain couldn’t have made that up.
You know what? There’s no way the last 5 minutes can top that artistry. I’m flipping the script and going out on a sweet note. Thanks for your conversations and comments. They mean the world to me. See you back here, next year, for lucky Season 7! And if you miss me too much, check out my RuPaul’s Drag Race recaps… You won’t be sorry you did.
Thank you, you saved me an hour 😀
Thanks so much, Lady Cocotte! You’ve made this past VPR season even better with your reviews. Even for a “Secrets Revealed” episode, this kept me from dozing off last night. Tom 1 is so ridiculously delusional, and Jax and James are such clowns. Have any of them (and for that matter, Tom 2) really thought about how they come across on TV?
Also, is it absolutely terrible that I was quite intrigued by the wine purse? Talk about #lifegoals!
Great final recap after a season of great ones — thanks!
This truly was one of the most stupid episodes ever. Unless it was brilliantly intended to show just how very stupid and shallow and self-unaware these people are (in case we missed it all season).
I am so over the obsession with Lala.
Sandoval? smdh — he was mad that James autotuned his horrendous trumpet playing? And his modeling session? too too too much.
I guess sex discussions and pseudo lesbianism tests high with the audience. Yawn.
Rob Rob Rob. And no, Sheana, you cannot redeem yourself despite your PR tour on this one.
And the beach scene? omg How old are they again?
What’s the age limit on that wine purse? #askingforafriend
I would like to know for my friend too
age 600. everyone needs a wine purse. mine has diet coke in it but hey, we all got needs!!!!
Great pumprules season. Those looney tunes are the only people on bravo who are frienemies in real life. It makes for great TV. Most of the real housewives don’t even talk on the phones if they aren’t filming. Thank you for recaps?
Why does LaLa need anybody to pay for her rent? You know she’s making bank off of VR.
Truth, and why would you take money from your mother??? Grown children are supposed to be looking out for mom, taking care of her if need be, helping out, not mooching off her when they’re already getting paid and getting funds from their “man”.
Pretty gross taking advantage of your mom like that to “stack cash”.
“The rest have been hermetically sealed and stored for display at the Scheana Marie Shay Parks Valletta Bieber The Weekend Clooney Shay Presidential Library.”
I’d bet money she had Shay airbrushed out before this happened.
I too saw the beach thing. I was stone cold sober last night (trying to give my liver a small chance of survival) and I wondered if I had guzzled a box of wine without remembering. Then I remembered I didn’t have any wine. Perhaps it was an acid flashback. I kind of liked it. It was a decent booze/drugs substitute in that regard.
As if I didn’t have more reasons to dislike Sadavol, this behinds the scenes just adds to my distain I can’t believe he complained the trumpet sound wasn’t more “live” on the record. He couldn’t hear that his playing sounded like a goose trying to get out a wad of bubble gum stuck in the back of its throat?
Thanks for the recaps!
Lady C, you are a treasure! Thanks for a season of clever, humorous, and well-written recaps.
What was the name of the song played on the beach with Sandoval?
You mean you don’t recognize the record smashing, International hit TIP (Touch In Public)? We even got to watch them shoot their big budget, genre busting music video in Season 4: http://tamaratattles.com/2016/03/07/vanderpump-rules-recap-kray-kray-kristen-is-back-yall/
Thank you to Lady C and VPR for getting us through a very long winter! I love those narcissistic and delusional idiots and the recaps make it all the better!!
Love it all.. each one seems to think they are the best thing since corned bread!
They should ray that Vanderpump rules lasts long enough for them to do something meaningful with their lives
Meant pray…..
I will miss your recaps! Hope you have a great summer! Thank you and goodnight!
Scheana is like a unicorn to me. I’ve heard of people being so self centered that they literally never think of anything other than themselves, but I’ve never met one or even seen one like Scheana until VPR plucked her from Satan’s lair and introduced her to the world.
I couldn’t dislike her more. I can’t remember where I read this, but it was said that there are two kinds of reality TV villains: those we love to hate and those we hate to hate. Those we hate to hate, like Jill Zarin, find themselves removed from the show because they repel viewers. Why, then, is Scheana still on TV?
It seems the general consensus is that there isn’t even one redeeming quality within her. She is the most selfish, egotistical, annoying Bravolebrity of all time. She’s disgustingly desperate. I don’t like several of the VPR cast members, but Scheana? She takes the cake.
I really hate her “clothespin nose” voice. Just when did these girls start thinking that Valley Girl nasal tone was sexy? It must be the Kardashian (especially Courtney. oh, how I want to take out the “O” and substitute the “R” with an “N”but rules are rules…) influence.
I absolutely LOVE that I have to go to my dictionary when I read your recaps. “Embouchure” this time; I guessed it had to do with mouth because of the “bouche “ part, but that was as far as I got. I REALLY am looking forward to your recaps of the Back-at-Bravo Project Runway. I only wish it were sooner than early 2019.