The final episode of the Vanderpump Rules Season 6 Reunion starts with the Bromance of the Century. In honor of Jax and James’ 1 year anniversary (who didn’t love Season 5 reunion James?) the cast lists their similarities. They’re compulsive. Needy. They both love attention. It’s all laughter and lolz until Boss Bitch Lala questions the validity of the friendship. She doesn’t understand how you can go from hating someone to being their friend like (snap!) that. James raises his deflection shield and cites her friendship with the WoWeHo as an example. Lala has oh so many reasons why her situation is completely different from James’ but it’s moot. Point goes to James Kennedy.
The worst part of Lala vs James is It’s About The Pasta. You can say a lot of things about Ghetto Bunny but she’s been the dictionary definition of Ride or Die for James. He repaid that kindness by going on National TV and calling Her Man (suck a dick) the F word (I have to imagine, in LA, fat is probably the worst thing anyone can be called). I don’t think James meant to be malicious. He was creating good drama for the cameras. But when he attacked Lala’s Man (suck a dick), he went after the one thing that gives her life meaning. Who is she without Her Man? Without her Chanel purses? The PJ? Lala refuses to be just another blonde in La La Land. Not this girl. Not her.
When Lala flees the set in tears, Lisa Vanderpump lays into James. She’s the original London Gangster. She knows how one treats comrades in arms. She brings Lala back onstage to explain her pain. It’s not about the F.A.T. It’s that her best friend did it to her. Hmmm, this sounds familiar. Yet James can’t emphasize. The cast tries to psychoanalyze him. There must be a reason he acts this way. While everyone else settles on James Loves Lala, only Kristen gets it. Hurt James hurts people. Point goes to Lala.
Sandoval is pissed. While Stassi and Andy Cohen discuss her fake job, he seethes. This bitch. She burned her bridges when she left for New York. No one calls Lisa Vanderpump an old woman on Sandy T’s watch. She barely deserves to sit on this stage and they give her a management job? It’s too much! Before he knows what’s happening, Tom Sandoval is out of his seat and arguing with Andy. To hell with the 4th wall. This is important. Stassi knows what it takes to be on the show. Shine the glasses. Serve the crispy chicken. Even big baller Lala pretends to be a hostess. But Vanderpump Rules’ Norma Rae folds like a cheap suit at the first hint of resistance. He might be a junior partner in the most eagerly anticipated bar in LA history (if LVP ever cashes his check) but he wants to keep his day job.
- Scheana admits she fast forwards through other people’s scenes. Everyone remembers why they hate her.
- No one in the history of time believes Jax was offered a marketing job in Tampa.
- Kristen and Katie set Stassi up with her new Beau. They describe him as Schwartz-y. Sorry ladies, but that’s not a selling point.
- To combat anxiety, Lala sucks dick. If one isn’t available, she turns to her baby bottle. It’s not weird, guys.
- “Well, I mean, who doesn’t black out in Mexico?”
- Some poor Uber driver needs therapy from driving Jax home after his SUR meltdown. I think it’s a workman’s comp issue.
Finally, we get to the reunion moment I’ve been waiting all night for. Kristen walks us through the footage of James saying they hung out
fooled around hooked up definitely boned. Jax clearly isn’t paying attention because he calls out, “He full on admitted it at the golf course.” So Kristen explains a second time. By the time Sandoval claims James admitted it, I have to assume they’re playing with us. The cast demands Jax apologize and he’s literally dumbfounded. He simply can’t fathom what he has to apologize for. After much cajoling (and Brittany’s encouragement), Jax gives a blasé, “I apologize for misinterpreting what you said.” No one can hear Sandoval’s long winded version because they’re all busy clapping Jax on the back for his whiz bang apology. Enablers, to a man.
Jax and Brittany play their tragedy like a comedy. The breakup wasn’t spur of the moment. Jax thought about it for 2 whole days. Ba-dum-bump. Why’d you sleep with her before the breakup? “Why does anybody hook up with anybody?” Ba-dum-bump. Hey, remember when Jax dumped Brittany and made her leave the apartment? Ba-dum-bump. Ugh. It’s not funny.
Andy begins his wrap up. LVP thinks Jax should join the TomTom spinoff. Katie and Tom threaten to procreate. Crazy Kristen might beat them to it. Jax + Brittany 4 Evah. Divorce-O is taking a year to be single and really get to know herself. We won’t see Lala’s Man (suck a dick) on VPR anytime soon. Stassi’s boyfriend will more than make up for him. Ariana and Tom need to break up. James is a DJ.
Instead of drinks, Peter and Ken bring out shots of Pasta. Because, Andy Cohen loves carbs.
Next week: Season 6 Secrets Revealed