The second night of the Vanderpump Rules Season 6 reunion opens to Jax bellowing, “You can’t even keep a boyfriend!” It’s the greatest insult the serial cheater can think of. Backstage, Scheana barely notices. She’s in her happy place. The hair and makeup people try to ignore her whining (and dabbing at fake tears) as they work their magic. Coincidently, they complete her touch-up at the exact moment she’s emotionally prepared to face the music on stage. While Jax mutters, “I’m 100% right,” Andy asks Scheana if she’s okay. “No, but I’m a professional.” Ms Marie Shay Parks-Valletta Shay is learning a lot in Vegas. If she comes back next season, she’s going to be a worthy opponent.
Andy is gleeful to finally be able to ask Lala questions about Her Man (suck a dick). He points out that the WoWeHo were right: Her Man (suck a dick) WAS married. Instead of popping off in her usual Utah hood patois, Lala exhibits growth. She innocently lets drop that Martin Scorsese loves the show. Suddenly, Lala has a new best friend. Andy oohs and aahs as she details the gifts she gets from Her Man (suck a dick): shoes, purses, cars, a rental allowance. The PJ. Andy looks around the room. Now everyone loves Randall’s money Randall. Even little Miss “I’d never give a blowie for a private jet” is literally onboard.
Well, maybe not everyone. Scheana pretends like she’s not insanely jealous of Lala’s dubious success. And Lisa Vanderpump isn’t quite ready to show open support for the Sugar Baby/Sugar Daddy community. In talking about the unnecessarily expensive cars Her Man (suck a dick) provides, Lala breezily compares herself to the Boss Lady. LVP shuts it down, real quick. “Not like Lisa. Lisa works for it and doesn’t have somebody to buy it for her.” Lala gets the message loud and clear. Lisa is her Daddy now.
Lala isn’t taking the rap for her chosen profession alone. She asks the room, if I’m a Sugar Baby, what about James living on some guy’s floor for free? Over James’ protestations that he does, in fact, pay rent, we get unseen footage of his creepy roommate. Benefactor? Wait a minute. Does James have a Sugar Daddy? Does James have a Sugar Daddy?! All I know for sure is Stassi can’t stop grinning.
We get another recap of the disaster that is Jax and Brittany. I’ve said enough on this subject to last a lifetime.
Everyone is getting along except for Scheana. Looking for love in the form of attention, she accuses Katie of only befriending Lala for the sake of her redemption arc. The whole cast recoils in horror at the bald truth. They look at each other in confusion. Is this breaking the fourth wall? The fifth wall? It feels wrong. Instead of showing us a taste of reality, they decide to freeze Scheana out. It’s just easier.
Schwartz thinks his alcoholism is cute. It isn’t. Katie is going to be pissed if he screws up with Lisa Vanderpump. There are swans on the line.
Stassi misses the good old days when Kristen and Katie would cosign any horrible insult that fell out of her mouth. The terms of her new WoWeHo contract stipulate that all parties must treat her like an asshole when she’s acting like an asshole. Even on the national holiday hereby known as, “It’s my birthday!”
Andy brings up the London Gangster because, George Michaels. I’m conflicted about this storyline. Sad James is my least favorite James.
Bravo has a little airtime between ads so the whole cast piles on Scheana for setting Brittany up with the barback. No matter how hard or fast she tap dances, it’s all on tape. This was a retaliation hookup, full stop.
Billie Lee gets her time under the lights. I want to like her, I’ve tried, but I just don’t. Her perspective is important enough that I’ll deal (it’s not like she’s Dorit). She calls out discrimination against mid-transition people (win) and tries to make Damper Her Date-gate a thing (loss). At the very least, the show should find her a boyfriend. Or a Her Man (suck a dick), if that’s her thing.
I find the Reiki segment problematic. Yes, Kelsey was clueless. But she was conned by Jax just like everyone else in that cast (see seasons 1-6). She shouldn’t be shamed for being as stupid as they all are. Plus, my mom swears tapping works.
Andy asks Lisa if she’s surprised Brittany’s mom forgave Jax so easily. LVP proves she the number one Housewive in the group with her response. Very diplomatically, Lisa implies that Forgive Him Mother, For He Has Money runs in the family.
Lala doesn’t like LVP telling her she’s not the right kind of feminist. Power of the Pussy, and all. Andy has clearly forgotten the celebrity power of mega-Producer Randall Emmett (or he smells blood in the water). He asks Lala how her monetized kitten and body-shaming past fit into a feminist perspective. James saves her from having to answer by choosing the worst possible moment for some mansplaining. Andy opens the discussion to the full panel. Stassi gives the opinion of someone who doesn’t want to alienate either woman. Ariana gives the opinion of someone who’s taken at least two feminism classes. The conversation devolves, as it always does, to Jax hashtagging #MeToo. “I thought it was for women power. I thought it was for women power!”
Katie’s final stop on her redemption jubilee is the reunion. She’s rational, she’s calm. She’s even having sex with her husband again. She gives a longer account of her skylight accident and I’m reminded of recently telling my little niece and nephew to play safe so they don’t end up like my friend Katie. Now they’re scared of skylights and I’m scared of my Vanderbrain.
Next week: Stassi absorbs each complaint about her cushy job like it’s a human soul. Jax doubles down on the James/Kristen rumor. And Lala storms off. Watch out, Scheana. It’s a storm off face-off!