It’s hard to believe Vanderpump Rules Season 6 is over. Before our favorite Angelenos sneak off like thieves in the night, let’s see what the reunions bring to light. Andy starts out with updates on Sur’s most troubling relationships. Jax and Brittany are back together (bad). Stassi is no longer seeing Patrick (good) and already has a new guy (Season 7). Scheana is no longer stalking Rob (eh) and already has a new guy (I assume). Andy wants to add James and Logan to the list because, Andy Cohen.
There are a few topics that need to be addressed upfront. The first is Faith. As Andy introes the segment, Jax bursts in to reassure Brittany he loves her. He’s a flurry of hands and humility. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me. Their story has gotten sadder with time, if that’s even possible. He cheats to force girlfriends to leave. She’s the girlfriend that will never leave. Wash, rinse, repeat. Reiki has given Jax a new language to apologize and minimize. It’s total poppycock but Brittany gladly drinks the Kool-Aid. She knows who Jax is (even if he didn’t ask her to call him Jason) and she’s fine with it. This is her choice. The wrong choice, but her choice. I don’t know if there’s anything anyone can do to save her now. So let’s focus on the things we can control, like that roadkill dreadlock draped across her bosom. I think it’s scared.
Jax is still in shock from losing his Dad. In telling the story, he breaks down sobbing. This is the biggest loss he’s ever experienced. It’s real-life grief. The whole cast is moved to tears. But there are some rays of sunshine. When the bottom fell out of his life, Brittany kept him from falling. She brought his family together, kept a handle on all the arrangements. She was there for him, without question or keeping score. Now their relationship is better than ever. It’s a good story but I hear echoes of Shannon Beador’s post-vow renewal desperation in their words.
The Lala feuds are perfect microcosms of the show. Scheana is mad she didn’t get invited on Lala’s PJ to Vegas even though Scheana’s her best friend. Sandoval is mad Lala made fun of his trumpet skills. Well, Lala thinks Scheana is only interested in Scheana. I mean, right? And Sandoval’s trumpet skills sucked. Plus, James Kennedy isn’t the White Kanye. In the Kardashian sex tape of her life, Lala’s man is Kanye. James is just White Ray Jay. I can’t stand her Gangsta Barbie persona but damn, that’s a good dis.
Brittany isn’t the only girl attracted to total losers. Stassi gets to sit on the reunion stage, face painted, hair did, while Andy Cohen reads an unending list of vile invectives the Vanderpump Rules fandom has used to describe Patrick. After a breakup, that’s gotta feel good. Not to be outdone, the cast share their colorful opinions of the Choad. Well, everyone but Schwartz. He always, always, has a bro’s back.
Bravo hates women so we have to talk about Ariana’s vagina. Lala, Pump Rules Sex Positivity Princess and lover of all things Lala, is horrified. Ariana clearly isn’t thanking her little kitty cat every day. Meanwhile, LVP, dressed for Cameran’s baby shower, practically wilts when Ariana mentions cunnelingus. It’s the Madonna-Whore complex, all over again.
The much ballyhooed TomTom partnership isn’t going as swimmingly as the Season Finale would lead you to believe. Sandoval is still jockeying for a seat at the big boy table. Vanderpump wants him to take the gift she’s offering and shut his pretty little mouth. Schwartz is too busy thanking his lucky stars to be of any help. There’s a new, nasty undertone to their negotiations. Lisa lets slip that they have no contracts.The group is dumbfounded. Even Jax knows you need a contract. Jax. LVP acts like it’s the most normal thing in the world. In business, a handshake and a smile is all it takes. I guess she knows what she’s talking about. She spends a lot of time with lawyers.
Andy knows he needs to change the subject fast so he goes for low lying fruit. Jax’s low lying fruit, to be exact. Jax and Brittany don’t use birth control. She wants a Baby Daddy. All of her friends back home have them. Now it’s her turn. Jax wants to replace his father by becoming one. I never took psychology but that sounds a little textbook to me. Stassi tries to give Andy a truthful yet kind assessment of Jax as a parent. He sits across from her and roid-glares. Mommy, why is Daddy grinding his teeth?
Part One of the reunion is winding down so they throw a bone to Scheana. You can barely hear tell of her fairytale romance with Rob, Rob, Rob over the sound of every eye in the room rolling. But Scheana has grown since moving to Vegas. She’s an actress now. She’s as calculated as ever but the business called Show has polished her rough edges. I see you, girl. I. See. You. When she finds out Rob is wooing Jax’s friendship, the dam breaks. She squeezes out a couple of botox tears and the whole cast rallies to her side. Just like with Patrick, they let truth ring out. Rob thought slagging off Scheana to her mates made him look cool. Delusion. It’s kind of sad.
The only person who doesn’t join in on the Scheana revelry is Jax. While she basks in attention, Jax explodes. We’re treated to Jax yelling, Scheana fleeing in tears (actress), and more Jax yelling. Kristen tries to literally throw herself upon the Jax grenade but she’s not man enough. It would take someone like Stassi to accomplish that feat and she’s not getting out of her seat for Scheana. While Scheana gets her hair and makeup touched up (priorities), the facts of the feud seep out. First off, Scheana never called Jax when his father died. She sent a text so he would have something to refer to when he needed encouragement. But, SCHEANA NEVER CALLED JAX WHEN HIS FATHER DIED.
More recently, Jax and Brittany visited Scheana in Vegas. They promised to walk a red carpet with her but Jax got tickets to a hockey game. It was a big opportunity for him. You know hockey is his life. And now that his Dad is gone… it means so much more. And SCHEANA NEVER CALLED JAX WHEN HIS FATHER DIED. Jax goes on and on, yelling out every minor abuse his feeble mind can conjure. Scheana sits in her makeup chair, the sound of Jax screaming her name filling every corner of the set, asking herself why everything is so much harder than her divorce.
Next week: Sayeth Bravo, in Part Two of the Vanderpump Rules reunion, host Andy Cohen recaps Katie and Schwartz’s rollercoaster first year of marriage, the group questions Jax’s relationship with his reiki healer, and Lala reveals more about her mysterious boyfriend than ever before. SUR’s newest hostess Billie Lee joins the group and opens up about life as a transgender woman, while Stassi and Ariana revisit their argument about Stassi’s controversial podcast comments. Finally, Kristen defends her decision to fly out Brittany’s mom for a surprise visit, and the girls band together to celebrate Lala’s special brand of feminism.