The Vanderpump Rules Season 6 finale begins with a far better recap than I could ever do:
- Tom Sandoval goes into business with Lisa Vanderpump, dragging Tom Schwartz behind him in a little cart.
- Stassi’s boyfriend is a loser.
- Rob, Rob, Rob.
- Brittany gets Jaxed. So does Faith.
- Scheana goes old Testament on Jax. You tell everyone my boyfriend doesn’t love me, I’ll set your girlfriend up with a prettier, younger version of you. How do you like them apples?
- Jax loses his everloving mind.
- Jax dumps Brittany. In case that humiliation isn’t bad enough, he makes sure everyone knows they’d just had sex.
And now you’re caught up.
As the cast dresses for the final party of the season, we take everyone’s temperature. Sandoval frets over every ridiculous detail of TomTom’s Progress Party. Have ice? Yes. Have cups? Yes. Ok, done. Jax is
respecting Brittany’s privacy deluging Brittany with remorse texts. And threats to move down the hall. Nothing to see here. Just the normal ups and downs of a healthy relationship. At least, that’s what Brittany tells herself. Brittany is blossoming in her anger. I don’t know if she’s wearing less makeup or if it’s the Jax-B-Gone factor, but this Brittany is someone I actually like seeing on my TV screen.
The TomTom Progress Party is so scripted, I wonder if it’s the launchpad for a spinoff or just a play for tourist dollars. Either way, a PR firm couldn’t have focus-grouped a better script. The oohs and aahs echo throughout the near-empty construction site. Male models serve ridiculous drinks to a thirsty crowd. The Toms glow with pride. They did it. They charmed their way into bar ownership. For the very first time, Katie looks at her husband and sees swans and moats. Fantasy life isn’t all diamonds and rosé, but it should be. Brittany’s barback models the new TomTom uniform. It’s a groundbreaking combination of shirt, vest and pants. Lisa is pleased. Sandoval brings out his pièce de résistance: frozen shots. Lisa is… pleased. It’s on. Katie checks her phone for swan hatcheries.
Sandoval probably thinks his champagne sword is the highlight of the night but it’s not. That honor goes to TomTom’s big empty pit. I can’t explain it but there’s something compelling there.
If all the world’s a stage, everything’s a prop. Scheana finds Schwartz’s abandoned pink hard hat and sees opportunity. Making sure her audience is in place, she sidles up to Rob, Rob, Rob and gurgles an erotic promise to show him the NC-17 version at home. Rob finds himself between a rock and a hard place. React to Scheana and have to actually talk to Scheana or pretend to like Sandoval’s mixology. The drink wins and Rob harshly ignores his beloved’s offer. Realizing he must have gone temporarily deaf, Scheana warbles the carnal largesse a second time. Again she is rebuffed. Publicly. Cruelly. Scheana seeks solace in the one place she’s always liked: the mirror.
Jax has an awkward evening. He tries to pretend it’s not weird, but it’s weird. Brittany is Xena, Warrior Princess. She’s strong. She’s impervious to his charms. She’s the kind of girl that gets up to dance every time I Will Survive plays. Jax is so busy selling his Good Guy breakup line, he forgets he’s in the doghouse with Lisa Vanderpump. When they meet cute over the plywood bar, he barely remembers his lines. True to form, LVP has to do all the heavy lifting. She flounces. She flutters She storms away. Jax looks around for someone to explain what just happened.
James freely enjoys Jax’s torment (the Kristen rumors). He finds the worst time to tell Jax the latest Sur goss: Brittany went home with a guy she met at In ‘N Out. I love this silly rumor so much, I’m writing a haiku about it:
Brittany has needs / In-N-Out and upside down / Some stranger hit that
The party moves over to Pump where people can sit down and get drinks without splinters. Brittany is surrounded by girl power. Everyone knows how persuasive Jax can be. They attempt to counter his attacks with flattery and feminism. You know, the kind of feminism that jokes, “You’re so hot my man wants to pay your bills.” Power of the pussy. Brittany’s barback plays his part admirably. He gazes adoringly upon her, all night, precisely as directed. This boy might grow up to have a real career in reality background acting.
Ken calls James over for a talk. James is shaking in his boots. The last time Ken spoke to James, things got tough. Almost makes you believe those ridiculous rumors everyone keeps whispering about. Allegedly. To wrap up his storyline, Lisa offers James his job back. Quelle surprise. Original London Gangster Ken Todd slips him a stuffed envelope as a good on ya. James gets to lord it over all of his friends while Jax mopes in the corner. It feels good when Karma works in your favor.
Stassi pretends like she doesn’t know the Peach Pit is from Beverly Hills, 90210 so I’m already in a bad mood when Patrick shows up. I think it’s safe to say both he and Stassi are incredibly high. She drags him over to meet Lisa Vanderpump. The Lisa Vanderpump. The Lisa Vanderpump Whose Teat She Wishes To Continue Suckling Upon Lisa Vanderpump. That Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa pulls out her best British grande dame and shoots Patrick a withering stare. He fidgets. He bops. He makes a crass joke about her ass. Stassi watches her Vanderlife implode like it’s a melting acid trip. Except this is the finale. Lisa needs to snips all stray threads so they can put this year to rest. Even if it means telling Stassi it’s okay her boyfriend is a creepy loser. Beggers can’t be choosers. Lisa runs as soon as she can so she misses Stassi pathetically begging Patrick to not break up with her. Not on finale night. They slink out in shame, with Stassi endlessly apologizing for doing that. To him.
Finally, we get the showdown we’ve been waiting for: Brittany and Jax, the reckoning. Brittany tears into Jax. She’s found her voice and she wants him to hear it. He acts like he thinks a human would in the situation. He shoulders all the blame. Jax’s pat, “You’re right” to each of her complaints are the work of a lazy man. He doesn’t need to listen to each valid complaint. He can just take wholesale responsibility (95%) and he’s done. He’s hasn’t changed and he won’t change in the future. To prove the point, he reminds her that he’s paying her bills. Isn’t that Season 5 misogyny?
Now it’s time for what Lisa Vanderpump thinks is the showdown we’ve been waiting for. She’s been threatening to fire him for weeks. Will she actually do it? Has Jax finally used up all of his nine lives with Lisa Vanderpump, LLC? Well, the answer is yes and no. Lisa asks Jax to quit. He does. She tells him to think about it some more. As he wanders away, a forlorn tribute to the Season 1 finale, Lisa quips they may need a new bartender. May. Maybe. Lies. All lies.
Next week: The three-part reunion starts off with a bang as host Andy Cohen uncovers the real stories behind Jax cheating on Brittany, the rumor that James slept with his best friend Logan, and the status of Stassi’s relationship with Patrick. Lisa Vanderpump sets Sandoval and Schwartz straight on their roles at TomTom, Jax shares the heartbreaking details of his father’s passing, Ariana opens up about her body issues, and Scheana breaks down when Jax attacks her for sabotaging his relationship.