I wish I could enjoy the latest Vanderpump Rules breakup. Brittany needs to get away from Jax and never look back. She should listen to her verse in 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover. “Get yourself some dignity, Brittany.” But it’s all for naught. They’re still together. So let’s pretend to enjoy the farcical separation, ignoring the fact that Brittany thought it was real. It’s too sad otherwise.
Jax is determined to position himself as the good guy in this breakup. He immediately lays the groundwork with the Bubbas. Schwartz jumps right on the Jason Cauchi Express but Katie has qualms. “I think I’m a pretty decent human being.” Wrinkled forehead. “We had sex last night.” Quizzical stare. “She initiated it.” Scowl. “I’ve wanted out for a year.” Glare. “I only stayed for the sake of the group.” And there it is, ladies and gentlemen, Katie’s “Jax is a douche” patented shrug. Jax almost had her snowed, until he opened his mouth.
For some reason, LVP has majorly upped her screen time this season. In order to fill some of it, she gifts Lala more coverage for her showcase storyline. And a pair of godawful boots (which probably means they’re expensive). Lala gives an impassioned monologue about her art, going so far as to wipe away non-existent tears. She got her first two movie roles by dating the Producer but she’s not a terrible actress. She should include this scene on her reel. The comic relief comes at the end when Lala’s face falls as she realizes she has to completely restyle her performance look to include Lisa’s VanderPumps.
Sandoval is on a double date with Ariana’s brother Jeremy (that they keep trying to make a thing) and Billie when he gets the call: Jax is in trouble! He has one foot out the door before Ariana snatches him back. She rips off her Cool Girl disguise and shows us what lies beneath. She hectors. She harangues. She harasses. She hounds. It goes on for so long, they take a commercial break mid-rant. Conversely, across town, Carter and Kristen work through their issues like adults. They construct a truth out of denial and call it love. I’m not sure who’s winning here. It’s us. Definitely us.
Jax is a pathological liar. He’s a thief. He’s cheated on every girlfriend he’s ever had. He convinced Brittany to move to LA for him. He got arrested in Hawaii. He cheated on her. She stayed with him but he broke up with her anyway. And now, to add insult to injury, Brittany will forever be the girl whose boyfriend slept with her, knowing he was going to leave her the next day. Jax is the gift that never stops giving. Even when you wish it would.
For a brief glimmering moment, the Toms forget their lines and sound a lot like you and me. Jax and Brittany need to stay apart for two months before it’s a real breakup. And it’s on Brittany’s head if she goes back. At least her malady has a name. It’s called, “getting Jaxed.” It’s alarmingly common.
Brittany is calm, whether she’s talking to Kristen or LVP. She knows she’s better off without Jax. She even slid into the barback’s DMs. But she’s just pretending. Her farm girl work ethic keeps her in motion, her pageant past means a sincere fake smile is always at hand. If she was truly okay, she’d react to Stassi’s Whoville ponytail. Fah who foraze, dah who doraze indeed.
Finally it’s time for the big (huge) showcase. In case you didn’t realize, this is a big deal. James brings London Gangster and our next Miss America. He’s ready to prove something to Daddy in the only arena that matters: his friend’s five song karaoke on a pub patio. Scheana and her 20 inch hair bring Brittany’s barback. Brit greets him with forced gaiety and ersatz flirtation. She’s trying to fool herself as much as anyone else. Lala arrives with paid posse in tow. She wears ugly boots and little else. And she looks dynamite. They’ve autotuned her songs to death but Lala’s not half bad. If she rapped, it’s on the cutting room floor. James gets his one song but he’s clearly performing to a track. Real Kanye wouldn’t have gotten away with it at this point in his career so, win? Stassi compares Lala to the original Vanderpump songstress. “At least she wasn’t tone deaf in a tutu.”
Lala is on a performance high. The whole cast (minus Jax) showed up as scheduled and she feels the love. Stassi, doing her very best to ensure her financial future, buys Lala’s friendship with hyperbole and adulation.The barback hopes to buy his way onto the show by looking at Brittany like a predator. He can now add “drools on demand” to his acting resume. He reminds me of an old timey guy who ties damsels in distress to train tracks. All he needs is the Snidely Whiplash mustache. Scheana literally claps at her own deviousness.
With Kelsey MIA, Jax is forced to see his therapist. But no matter what he says, she doesn’t emotionally suckle him. He feels psychosexually frustrated. How much you want to bet he takes it out on Brittany? He’s already started with the texts. I love you. I’m sorry. Brittany puts on a tough front with her friends but it’s a lie. “Thanks for the boob job, asshole” would be such a great line if we didn’t know she gets back together with him. Why, Brittany? Why? You’re so close to freedom. So close.
Next week: It’s the season finale! Everyone heads to TomTom for the progress party. When LVP finally meets the Choad, he compliments her ass. It takes one to know one, Patrick. And finally, Lisa asks Jax to quit Sur. Except she doesn’t and he doesn’t.