I wish I could enjoy the latest Vanderpump Rules breakup. Brittany needs to get away from Jax and never look back. She should listen to her verse in 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover. “Get yourself some dignity, Brittany.” But it’s all for naught. They’re still together. So let’s pretend to enjoy the farcical separation, ignoring the fact that Brittany thought it was real. It’s too sad otherwise.
Jax is determined to position himself as the good guy in this breakup. He immediately lays the groundwork with the Bubbas. Schwartz jumps right on the Jason Cauchi Express but Katie has qualms. “I think I’m a pretty decent human being.” Wrinkled forehead. “We had sex last night.” Quizzical stare. “She initiated it.” Scowl. “I’ve wanted out for a year.” Glare. “I only stayed for the sake of the group.” And there it is, ladies and gentlemen, Katie’s “Jax is a douche” patented shrug. Jax almost had her snowed, until he opened his mouth.
For some reason, LVP has majorly upped her screen time this season. In order to fill some of it, she gifts Lala more coverage for her showcase storyline. And a pair of godawful boots (which probably means they’re expensive). Lala gives an impassioned monologue about her art, going so far as to wipe away non-existent tears. She got her first two movie roles by dating the Producer but she’s not a terrible actress. She should include this scene on her reel. The comic relief comes at the end when Lala’s face falls as she realizes she has to completely restyle her performance look to include Lisa’s VanderPumps.
Sandoval is on a double date with Ariana’s brother Jeremy (that they keep trying to make a thing) and Billie when he gets the call: Jax is in trouble! He has one foot out the door before Ariana snatches him back. She rips off her Cool Girl disguise and shows us what lies beneath. She hectors. She harangues. She harasses. She hounds. It goes on for so long, they take a commercial break mid-rant. Conversely, across town, Carter and Kristen work through their issues like adults. They construct a truth out of denial and call it love. I’m not sure who’s winning here. It’s us. Definitely us.
Jax is a pathological liar. He’s a thief. He’s cheated on every girlfriend he’s ever had. He convinced Brittany to move to LA for him. He got arrested in Hawaii. He cheated on her. She stayed with him but he broke up with her anyway. And now, to add insult to injury, Brittany will forever be the girl whose boyfriend slept with her, knowing he was going to leave her the next day. Jax is the gift that never stops giving. Even when you wish it would.
For a brief glimmering moment, the Toms forget their lines and sound a lot like you and me. Jax and Brittany need to stay apart for two months before it’s a real breakup. And it’s on Brittany’s head if she goes back. At least her malady has a name. It’s called, “getting Jaxed.” It’s alarmingly common.
Brittany is calm, whether she’s talking to Kristen or LVP. She knows she’s better off without Jax. She even slid into the barback’s DMs. But she’s just pretending. Her farm girl work ethic keeps her in motion, her pageant past means a sincere fake smile is always at hand. If she was truly okay, she’d react to Stassi’s Whoville ponytail. Fah who foraze, dah who doraze indeed.
Finally it’s time for the big (huge) showcase. In case you didn’t realize, this is a big deal. James brings London Gangster and our next Miss America. He’s ready to prove something to Daddy in the only arena that matters: his friend’s five song karaoke on a pub patio. Scheana and her 20 inch hair bring Brittany’s barback. Brit greets him with forced gaiety and ersatz flirtation. She’s trying to fool herself as much as anyone else. Lala arrives with paid posse in tow. She wears ugly boots and little else. And she looks dynamite. They’ve autotuned her songs to death but Lala’s not half bad. If she rapped, it’s on the cutting room floor. James gets his one song but he’s clearly performing to a track. Real Kanye wouldn’t have gotten away with it at this point in his career so, win? Stassi compares Lala to the original Vanderpump songstress. “At least she wasn’t tone deaf in a tutu.”
Lala is on a performance high. The whole cast (minus Jax) showed up as scheduled and she feels the love. Stassi, doing her very best to ensure her financial future, buys Lala’s friendship with hyperbole and adulation.The barback hopes to buy his way onto the show by looking at Brittany like a predator. He can now add “drools on demand” to his acting resume. He reminds me of an old timey guy who ties damsels in distress to train tracks. All he needs is the Snidely Whiplash mustache. Scheana literally claps at her own deviousness.
With Kelsey MIA, Jax is forced to see his therapist. But no matter what he says, she doesn’t emotionally suckle him. He feels psychosexually frustrated. How much you want to bet he takes it out on Brittany? He’s already started with the texts. I love you. I’m sorry. Brittany puts on a tough front with her friends but it’s a lie. “Thanks for the boob job, asshole” would be such a great line if we didn’t know she gets back together with him. Why, Brittany? Why? You’re so close to freedom. So close.
Next week: It’s the season finale! Everyone heads to TomTom for the progress party. When LVP finally meets the Choad, he compliments her ass. It takes one to know one, Patrick. And finally, Lisa asks Jax to quit Sur. Except she doesn’t and he doesn’t.
Well done Lady C! I haven’t watched the episode and now I don’t even want to. The recaps here are always better than the actual shows! Fah who doraze indeed! Brilliant lol. I actually spit my coffee out, snorted, and chortled lol. Well done !
I love this show so much, loved how Shaena talked about making a “come back”. Lala is not great, but she has enough to be a big star in bravo-land!
Let’s pray that Scheana stays out of the recording studio! She was awful the first go-around.
Long live Lala!!
I laughed when Scheana made that comment. That girl is so obsessed with herself.
Stassi’s face when Sheana was performing =my face
Love this recap!
I love Snidely with his twirling mustache analogy! I have the photo saved on my phone.
WoW..no need to watch next week, now that I know Jax and Brittany get back together and Jax doesn’t get fired.
I don’t understand Stassi and her “man”, he is super douche. I did love her singer at Scheana though. I wish Jax would just grow up but then it would be like losing crazy Kristen and we missed her so much while she was gone. My son who never watches this was home and he watched with me and asked why the Toms were pretending, he says they are totally on the down low. That cracked me up.
So…..is jeremy bi, gay, gay4pay does he know that billie is “trans” ? so many questions i dont know where to begin…
Yes, Jeremy knows. Billie is very open about it and she discussed it with him when her first asked her out. She’s had reassignment surgery so your gay comments aren’t applicable.
I assume he’s hetero because he hit on Stassi and other female guests at Katie’s wedding.
I think he just wants to be in camera so the rest doesn’t matter.
Truth!
Do you know what trans means?
Hmm. Glad I’m not the only one who thinks the breakup/firing storylines are boring because we already know the outcome.
I was prepared to cringe during Lala’s performance but it wasn’t horrible. I loved Stassi shading Scheana. Made me giggle.
Great recap Lady C
I predict Ariana will either have a pregnancy scare, actually get preggars, or have a miscarriage. Her aversion to pregnancy and birth was as believable as her “body shame” issues…… She is a terrible actress. Cool ~ Jeremy is accepting of alternate lifestyles. He is still creepy as Frick. The Brittany Jax breakup narrative is stupid and fake.
I was terrified of giving birth. I mean always scared of it. I’ve had 2 children now because it’s all totally worth it but I can relate.
So I can’t get through half of what I record these days and this show tapes at like one am or something. I got up early this morning and immediately took a nap on the couch. I’m actually ready for another one. It’s cold and wet here and has been forever so it’s allowed. Before the first nap I hit play on this episode and I was asleep sometime just after the kinky boots. I missed the big event entirely. I’m not sure if I will watch it.
What is LVP’s fascination with Lala? I’ve never seen her give anyone a present on this show. I find it so strange. In real time news, Lala’s father died yesterday or the day before. Did we know he was sick? She rarely mentioned him.
As for Jax and Brittany, I don’t get it. Either this is real, and Jax is on national TV dumping someone after sleeping with her the night before, and again that morning Or it’s fake and Jax is on national TV dumping someone after sleeping with her the night before, and again that morning. It boggles my mind since Jax and Brittany were on Instagram just a day or two frolicking with the chickens and hugging the pigs in Kentucky. Britanny should not tolerate this behavior even if it was fake. I just can’t wrap my head around it.
It’s probably all for ratings leading up to the finale next week. Brittany is either so blindly in love or so thirsty for fame she won’t leave him. It’s so sad. I don’t get the love that LVP has for Lala either. The rich boyfriend and the slight possibility of her landing a small acting or singing role may propel her to greater things and LVP would go along for the ride…. in another spinoff maybe?
I truly think Brittany is thirsty for fame, otherwise her behavior wouldn’t be explainable.
Both her and Jax knew the breakup is fake and they also knew we will know but they still went with it because they want to be on the show.
Lisa’s present to Lala- this is my first season watching this show so I don’t know if she gifted cast members in the past but I’m sure it has a lot to do with Lala’s man being a powerful player in tinsel town.
That Tom Sandoval person- I cannot stand him. He is talking about Tom Tom place like it’s actually his or that his opinion means something more than the show story line.
It’s probably all for ratings leading up to the finale next week. Brittany is either so blindly in love or so thirsty for fame she won’t leave him. It’s so sad. I don’t get the love that LVP has for Lala either. The rich boyfriend and the slight possibility of her landing a small acting or singing role may propel her to greater things and LVP would go along for the ride…. in another spinoff maybe?
Those boots were hideous. Even gorgeous Lala couldn’t pull them off, and that’s saying something. I am sick of the Jax/Brittany saga and fast forward through all their scenes. Great recap, Lady Cocotte!
“Conversely, across town, Carter and Kristen work through their issues like adults. They construct a truth out of denial and call it love. I’m not sure who’s winning here. It’s us. Definitely us.”
Love this so much. ^
The whole time I am watching this I am thinking what must her parents be thinking of all this? I mean I know her Mom is very thirsty. Her Dad did seem to try and tell her he wasn’t on board. She just doesn’t care. I kind of get Tom saying it’s all on her because kind of it is.
Lala was pretty good. But I do have a soft spot for Scheanna. She obviously has some Daddy issues or Love issues. Well, guess they all do. Stassi to for that matter. These guys play mind games with her. Patrick is NG (no good) as my mother in law would say. LVP is on this show WAY more than she every was. It’s like she is moving over to make room for the LVP wannabe Dorit on RHBH and she will be on VPR. But I bet more because it is so popular and that’s why she is on.
Another great recap, Lady Cocotte. One of my favorite scenes was the two Tom’s pretend shopping for uniforms for Tom/Tom. I picture Lisa rolling up a newspaper and smacking them both on the nose when she finds out what they were shopping for. As for Brittany, I hope she’s in the relationship for premium screen time, because if she’s really that much in love with Jax, I really feel sorry for her.
Such a great recap Lady Cocotte! Loved the “Cindy-Lou Who” references and all else! I think Jason is in love with his Reike mistress – after all – it was she who told him that he really wanted to break up with Brittany – and so he did! Also, I thought Lala really rocked it and could truly make it super-big, with the right management. And I thought James was totally fabulous and is very talented- and he does love Lala so. He just does, and it seems fated on his part. I hope they both make it – and never cease teaming up.
I dont think Brittany is the girlfriend Jax has really loved, its the only one who has stayed and tolerated him, despite being jaxed over and over again. Theres probably a part of Jax, that wants to hang on to her, for that reason alone. Assuming, any of this show is real, Jax acts like a total narc. So, there will be endless break ups, constantly running hot and cold, and a guy that can never be counted on or trusted, or ever change. And Britrany will be hooked and addicted to trying to prove her worth, by trying to achieve the impossible, making a man whore, into a husband. I was disgusted by the Tom’s fawning over Jax who pumped and dumped,, while saying they have no empathy for Brittany, because she should know better. Go to hell Tom’s. Thats just an excuse to be a devient supporter of the bro code. They dont care what Jax does because he’s Jax, but Brittany gets nothing because she lets him.
I may be the only one who can’t stand Brittany. I’m sorry, she looks PATHETIC on TV. I’ve had enough with the sweet heart country girl persona. She’s money motivated. I would not make myself look like a sad excuse of a woman on national TV, for a paycheck. ………..Ok maybe I would. But to an extent – I mean, cmon!
Scheana…. she does not belong on stage ever again. “At least she’s not tone-def In a tutu.” Stassi is my spirit animal. This episode was kind of boring. Can someone cheat, get pregnant, or punch someone in the face? I miss crazy Kristen. I miss dramatic Stassi. We’re too used to Schwartzy cheating. Someone do something!
Does anybody remember last season I think, when Lala sang with James? We heard a little more of it that time, I think, and I thought she was really good. For some reason she’s fascinating to me. Tom Sandoval makes me sort of embarrassed for him that he doesn’t get that he’s not getting part ownership of a bar because he has anything substantial to add to the venture except for half of a catchy name. He needs to sit down and just bask in his luck.
I remember during season one when Stassi talked shit about Scheana performing her Good As Gold song, and then after it was over she acted the same way with Scheana as she did with Lala. She was amazed she really could sing blah blah blah. Now Stassi makes fun of Scheana.
This recap is a work of art. I’ve lurked for years, but making a first comment to give this the adulation it so richly deserves.
“…They construct a truth out of denial and call it love. I’m not sure who’s winning here. It’s us. Definitely us.” “…Fah who foraze, dah who doraze indeed.”
Got a little frisson of delight rivaling what Lawson’s recaps used to bring way back when in a much simpler time. Cheers, Lady Cocotte!
Awww, thanks! It’s a labor of love.
I think the whole Faith cheating scenario and the breakup things was fake and staged. They wanted more airtime and to solidify Brittany on the show. Jax wont be that dumb to screw a waitress that works with his girlfriend. He is stupid but not that stupid. Also when she found out he cheated on her she clearly needed a few more acting lessons…the shock on her face was so staged and rehearsed.
Brittany is not thirsty for fame….the girl is DEHYDRATED!
Jax is THAT stupid. Remember he slept with Kristin, when she was at Sur, behind Stassi’s back. He’s a pig and Brittany is so pathetic.
Tone deaf in a tutu. What a way to go through life. Although a tutu might be fun. I’m ‘o go buy one to wear to work on Monday just to living things up.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks that Kristen Doute sings the theme song for pump rules?
Does anyone else remember in the days right before Brittany moved out to LA that Jax and Lala walked off together through a parking lot and later she said something like “Well we [email protected] and …” something about no big deal? I don’t think I dreamed this.