According to the episode guide, Patti, ye old carpetbagger,”surprises Cameran by planning a glamorous retro baby shower” tonight in what I am pretty sure was the first all cast filming of the season. Let’s recall some of the litigious gadfly’s previous “glamorous events” shall we? There was the charity event involving a pool full of pink flamingo beer coozies and a fortune-teller. That was when K. Cooper Ray said that Patti is just jealous and bitter that Kathryn still has her beauty, her youth and her whole life ahead of her. And well, Patti is in her Grey Gardens years with her closeted,creepy son. There was the party where people tried to dress like Indian women and Patti and her BFF wore horrid dog caftans that she continues to try to sell and there was a fortune-teller. That was Klassy. There was that one with all of the little plastic alligators on the table for the men only. Where Whitney was still acting like his mother’s batshit crazy was still perfectly normal. Bless his heart. I have many more examples about her tacky parties that embarrass the entire south, but it is time to get started with this episode and I am kind of in slow motion today. Also, I am still in the hole so in the for the sake of a timely recap, you’re going to have to get over typos and random homophone replaces and words with the wrong final letter or so. You get what you pay for. On to the show!
Oh gag me with a spoon. We see Thomas and his hospice nurse canoodling under the sheets wearing hotel robes. Thomas says, “At long last, I’ve got myself a real woman with a real woman’s heart.” This must literally make Kathryn puke when she hears this. I am sure Thomas doesn’t bother to change up his playbook that seems to work for him more often than not. He makes eggs for breakfast and brings them to her in bed. Then he says, “Speaking of eggs, how are yours doing? They don’t call me the impregnator for nothing.” #SouthernGentleman Oh for fucksake They are trying to make these two doing coke in the bathroom at Shep’s as if it was a pregnancy scare. So much ridiculous Frankenbiting for Haymaker to try and say “Oh they were doing coke, Ashley just wanted to take Thomas to the bathroom with her because she was having a long period!” Because I know when I’m having a bad period, I always invite my boyfriend to come to the bathroom with me to witness it. Of all the storylines in all the world to cover up for Thomas, Ashley and Shep doing bumps in the bathroom, this is what they came up with? Seriously? I’m nauseated. Ashley, the land yacht polo girl thinks an app on her phone telling her when she is fertile is a good enough birth control method for her. She says if it happens though it would be a blessing. She tells Thomas she wants to marry him and have babies with him. I’m serious. My stomach is churning watching this scene.
The the elderly carpetbagger calls Cameran to tell her she is giving her a co-ed baby shower but she has no input on the guest list. Actually, production decides the guest list. But Patti did manage to veto a couple of people. Cameron says she is worried she will not invite Kathryn.
Kathryn gets a really good edit on her life as a mother after rehab, even though during this time, it had not been that long since she got a lot of time with her kids. She really did spend a lot of time doing activities with her kids.
Whitney comes to support Cameran when she gets some child-birthing information. Because is there is one thing gay guys love, it’s talking about vaginal births. I was being sarcastic. But Whitney does seem really into this. I am not. Even Cam’s neighbor’s dog, Elvis is disgusted. One the pregnancy coach leaves, they talk about the baby shower. It’s going to be “super chic, super 1960s.” BWAHAHAHAHA. I don’t know why all reality production teams have suddenly decided every single party has to be a costume party lately but that is the trend in 2018.
Austen and Craig go out for a beer. They are both single and on the prowl. Craig says his life would be easier if he he were gay. Austen wonders if this is Craig’s coming out moment. As many of us do. Then Shep shows up. Craig says Naomie kind of minds fucks him by leaving him and acting like she wants to come back.
Cameran goes for her 3-D ultra sound. She doesn’t shed a tear. She seems very in denial that this is going to happen. Since her hubby refuses to be filmed, Chelsea goes with her and she talks about Austen dating someone else. I used to hate people showing me their ultrasounds of their baby that where just black and grey blobs of nothing. But the new technology shows you faces and hands and I can’t see not crying when I saw my kid like that for the first time, or the tenth time which is probably what this is. Cameran simply has not accepted the fact that she is about to give birth and be a mother.
I can’t believe that Thomas admitted to his Daddy that he is putting Ashley up in an apartment. As I mentioned before, Kathryn is in that same new community as well. I believe that Thomas probably also pays for Kathryn’s apartment as well but she will deny that. Thomas want’s the baby mama and they polo girl all in the same little community. I’d consider that development as a potential month long get away for me and the dog, but I hate those brand new developments and it is not close enough to the water for me.
Kathryn stops by to see Craig in the house he is currently renovating. He tells us that they can share things with each other with no judgement. She admires all of his sewing projects that whatshernose used to laugh at. Kathryn tells Craig she is not invited to the baby shower. Kathryn admits that she and Thomas hooked up in NYC after the reunion. He told her he wanted another baby.
Oh dear God what is this getup the carpetbagger is wearing? Then she says “RuPaul eat your heart out!” Patti, Shashay…away. It looks like Mrs Roper and plastic pink flamingo beer coozie had a baby that was accidentally partially dropped into a paper shredder head first. Out of no where, Naomie started posting photos of some never before mentioned gay best friend all over Instagram at this time. Because she is one of those girls who can’t go to events without a man. #Sad Whitney does a mean Charles Nelson Riley as always. Craig brings his roomate Sean and a hostess gift of handmade pillows. Ashley comes dressed as Landon trying to dress like Patti. I LOVE Cameran’s sixties minis! Shep comes stag but in clean clothes.
There is some sort of bread shaped like an alligator next to an ice sculpture. I just can’t with this whole thing. Meanwhile the script is “We love Kathryn so much? Why is the carpetbagger such a cunt and not inviting her?” Which was so not the real vibe. No one was really feeling Kathryn that much at this time, but they did warm up to her. Because that is what the script says they need to do. Why the holy fuck is Naomie going to sit with Patti and tell her to give Kathryn another chance? Who is this bitch? It should have at least been Cameran who has an entire suite and fully decked out nursery in Patti’s anal cavity. And I love that this scene is happening with old outdated champagne coupes. Though truth be told you would still seem them at old money parties, we are not actually at one. They did get the glassware right for the 1960s though. Dorit would be so proud. Patricia refuses to even listen to Naomie. Because, why would she?
Naomie and her ridiculous white gloves (which should never be worn while drinking) and her coupe of champagne run off to poor Craig who is ready to be done with her. Now he has to listen to her whine to him about being disrespected by the carpet bagger. Meanwhile, he is missing Cameran opening his hand-made teddy bear for Palmer so that Naomie can berate him some more. She almost immediately wants to know why Craig is so much more productive now than she was with him. The answer is clearly because he’s not living with a judgmental bitch anymore.
I am so not willing to be any later to watching Imposters to listen to Naomie being a bitch AGAIN. Craig is 29, has graduated from law school, passed the bar, purchased multiple (not just two) investment homes, has a six figure income from a TV and is one of the few decent people on this show. Sit your ass down somewhere Naomi.
Then JD walks in with Liz! Naomie is pissed again. JD is cocky. They stay five minutes and leave. What did he promise her for that?
Next week: Did Ashley really say she met Kathryn’s kids for the first time on Mother’s Day? I have no idea why Craig puts up with Naomie. I can’t stand her.
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