As if by magic, tonight’s Vanderpump Rules transports us back into the throes of Jax’s mid-life crisis. He thrashes around Sur like a wounded manatee, heaving and panting as he shoots the bird at all and sundry. His smokey eye, updo, Gstaad moment teeters close to breaking the fourth wall. Accusing his castmates of “flipping the script,” Jax searches someone willing to tell the truth. Brittany cringes in the corner. Her Mamaw raised her better than to act a fool in public. Jax is escorted out of the restaurant in stages. “Let’s talk about this at the hostess stand.” “I think we need some air. Lets go outside.” And finally, “You must be all yelled out by now. Let’s take off your mic and send you home.” Once again, Brittany is left to bat clean-up. She tries to smooth things over with Lisa but LVP is done playing. She asks Brittany if Jax is truly worth fighting for. Brit knows he is. She breaks down in her confessional, talking about how much she loves him. Brittany is sad, sad, sad.
Stassi finds the perfect chant for her helium heightened voice: “Rob. Rob, Rob, Rob.” She just earned her Season 6 paycheck with 5 seconds of work.
James is mixing his single with Lala when she conveniently drops by the studio. She calls attention to how good her vocals sound. It’s nice to see a confident woman, doing what she loves. But, here’s the thing: we’ve heard this song before. Back when Lala sang it. It didn’t work for Milli Vanilli. It didn’t work in Singin’ In The Rain. Just saying. We might not realize it but Lala’s 5 song showcase is the new Scheana’s wedding. She’s a bridezilla. On crack. On steroids. She’s not Erika Jayne. Her benefactor is going to trade her in for a younger model in a few years. She needs to make hay while the making is good. And no one better fuck it up. Especially James Kennedy.
Tom and Tom tour TomTom. Schwartz looks like Gomer Pyle in his hard hat. Sandoval doesn’t care. He gets down on one knee and proposes. The business wives exchange TT cufflinks. It’s the most romantic storyline on the show.
After the Brittany debacle, LVP isn’t taking any more chances. She recruits tried and true horse-girl Ariana for an equine rendez-vous. This episode is probably difficult for Ariana to relive. She sucks up to Lisa more pathically, more unctuously than anyone in Bravo history. By the time she whines that her cocktail book is on hold because Sandoval is too busy with TomTom (can you spot the 23 reasons that sentence makes me laugh?), she’s lost her cool girl status. At least she plants the idea that firing Jax would make boffo television. She does that for us.
Katie’s redemption arc includes rebranding her Pucker and Pout blog into a makeup brand. And every lipstick deserves a Stassi-thrown coming out event. Kristen tears into the party, speed racing on crutches. Is this a sign that Crazy Kristen followed them home from Mexico? We can only hope. The excuses for her injury seem forced. She’s clumsy. She stubbed her toe on the wall. She’s the Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman. They say rehab can fix all of those problems (allegedly).
After a season spent hiding behind Kristen’s skirt tails, Carter drinks some liquid courage and shoves his head into the reality TV guillotine. He totally believes Kristen didn’t cheat on him, but he’s gonna ask around (just in case). Sandoval is in his glory. Sleeping with Jax. Sleeping with James. Miami Girl. Kristen has made his life miserable. Turnabout is fair play. He sells Jax’s lie like it’s the only option. Carter lurches across the room to catch Kristen in the act of swapping dog stories with what is probably a gay busser. “Why’re you talking to dudes?” he slurs with faltering bravado. Oh, Carter. You should have studied a little harder before you got in the pool with the big boys. Kristen bemoans her wicked fate; even her boyfriend believes the vile rumor. She hobbles away from the reverie, a broken shell of a woman. And that, Carter, is how you do it.
By the end of the party, Stassi is well into the cups. She tells Brittany, point blank, that everyone in that room thinks Jax is the worst. But Kentucky has made her decision. She will get her Jax Taylor wedding (or baby, either works) come hell or high water. Stassi understands loving the wrong man. Patrick is a sanctimonious bully who treats her like his inferior. “I don’t think I could go to your wedding,” Stassi muses. But could she plan it?
Jax is in a bad mood. Kelsey is on safari and the metaphysical hand jobs went with her. He follows production cues to break up with Brittany. He does the “It’s not you, it’s me.” The “I’m not good enough for you.” The “I lost my Brittany’s spark.” Just because it’s in the script doesn’t make it less hurtful. Brittany starts climbing the grief ladder. Denial is easy for her. It’s how she lives her life. Jax seems surprised when she moves on to anger. He truly doesn’t get why Brittany is upset. With him, of all people. He refuses to leave so Brittany calls an Uber. Jax watches her go with the smug look of man happy with his benevolent act.
Next week: Ariana wants Sandoval to choose her over Jax. Well, she wants him to want to. Jax sees a therapist (female) to deal with his fake breakup with Brittany. Brittany slides into the barback’s DMs. And Lala’s showcase includes a hype man, a stage name and a bodysuit.
Brava! Spectacular commentary.
Great recap, I am liking Stassi so more this year. Where was Shaena? It wasnt until Stassi did the balloon thing that I realized she was not on the show tonight.
I like seeing Tom and Katie happy together, but I have a question that is just driving me crazy. How in the world do you fall through a skylight? Seriously, I have no idea.
she said she was on a rooftop, supposedly taking photos with friends and some guy she was seeing, and the skylights were half/dome shaped and very large, and she sat on the edge of one, or something to that effect, and it gave way 🙁
yikes
I thought Jax’s breakup speech was the most honest thing he’s ever said to Brittany.
Are there a lot of people that want/need a cocktail book? Don’t people just Google how to make a dry martini and get on with it?
Out of all of the Bravo songsters I suppose Lala is one of the better singers but that’s not saying a lot.
Before tonight, had we ever heard that Katy struggles with depression and PTSD from her fall?
I got a kick out of Kristen’s fake ughs and omphs when she was hobbling away.
Aren’t there some kind of OSHA regulations that forbid progress parties in construction sights? Maybe I’ll look that up right after I search out where to buy frozen ice.
I laughed watching Kristen hobble away, knowing that she wanted to STORM away!
I love that they kept filming her awkward exit for like 30 seconds longer than they needed to. It was like a Christopher Guest mockumentary.
Jax and Brittany are together now.
We had heard the story of how Katie fell through the skylight, but I don’t remember the part about PTSD.
Very important to clarify. I love, love Vanderpump Rules??
Brittany is NOT the sweet, innocent girl everyone thinks. She knew what she was doing when she left KY to live with Jax and be on Pumprules. Brittany knows LVP won’t fire her, but Brit won’t have Jax for storyline. EVERYONE enables Jax. In the real world Brittany would have left Jax after everything he has done. Jax would have been fired too?
I don’t care for Brittany at all. I liked her the first season she was on but not after that. I don’t think her or Jax have any chemistry.
Ark, I said the same exact thing when Jax was talking to Brittany! That is the most honest and open he has ever been on this show. I hated that Brittany did not take it as such and decided to throw a fit. If your partner really wants to leave, let them. Begging, yelling, and causing scene certainly won’t change their mind.
Hopefully Jax can continue with that tiny glimpse of a human we saw in that moment, despite the reaction he got.
I can’t with Stassi’s gross boyfriend. The way he was trying to use his word of the day from the past week to confuse her and jumble the conversation was a major eye roll moment for me. The old Stassi would have told him he was an idiot and to get out of her apartment. I miss her
I can’t with Stassi’s gross boyfriend either! Why was she ever attracted to this guy? Before we ever saw him, she talked him up as this handsome, successful guy, and I gave him bonus points for not wanting to appear on the show. And then we met him! Yuck! He tries to sound all intelligent and deep, but he doesn’t pull it off, so he just seems dumb but show-offy. And he turned things around on her as much as Jax does to Brittany. I’m no Stassi fan, but she could do better than this.
Stassi’s BF is what my kids call a douche, which they tell me is different from an asshole.
Douchenozzle, even lol He is so greasy, too, like Jax. Wtf is up with that, I don’t think LA is so hot that these two should appear so grimy all the time. Jax is always coked up, I know that, but Patrick? ew. What a condescending prick. I love me an intelligent man, even better if he’s smarter than I am, I respect that, but NOT if he speaks down to me and pretends I’m a fool. That’s not cute, it’s patronizing.
I’m glad they split.
he is the most uninteresting man in the world
Hah! And, myopic too. (Which he did not use correctly in a sentence when he was trying to hold his very large…. vocabulary … over Stassi’s head).
I was never a Stassi fan either but if you look at her IG stories- her new boyfriend (after Patrick) has seemed to change her outlook a lot. He’s goofy and fun and smart and down to earth. I think she’s letting her softer/ goofier side out.
These people are becoming more and more pathetic to me. Lala’s singing career, Ariana’s book, Jax’s hockey-related job, Brittany’s holding on to Jax. Stassi and Sheana and their man issues. IDK. They all seem to be on a downward trend. The Toms will only succeed if LVP continues to drag them along. I don’t see them making any contribution so far.
The thing is Jax and Brit are still together to this day and he is still living in Cali. So they can break up and make up as much as they want, but follow them on social media and you will see whats really going on.
Yeah, I used to feel sorry for Brittany but she’s clearly been shown exactly who Jax is. She’s good friends with other women that have gotten this exact same Jax treatment and her actions loudly proclaim that she just doesn’t care. Her chance to be on TV means more to her than her self respect.
I’ve liked Tom Sandoval in the past, because I think he has a good heart, even though he’s way more into looks and fashion than I find attractive. But getting down on one knee to give that ring to Schwartz was just too weird.
Maybe I’m overly suspicious but I didn’t view Jax’s breakup as “honest”- I viewed as repeating exactly what his Reiki therapist said to him. And in Jax’s mind- that had to serve as a “clue” to him that Kelsey wanted him to break up with Brit so she could be with him.
Perfect recap! I love the Monday night shows.
I agree with the above commenter who said this might be the most honest Jax has ever been. I have been thinking that he really doesn’t want to be with her ever since hearing the things he said to Faith AFTER they had sex.
I think he is afraid of losing all of his friends because they all adore Brittney soooo much & he is slowly unraveling because he really cares about what his friends think about him way too much.
I think he is learning with the help of the Reiki teacher how to start being hus real authentic self & he might sincerely be disgusted with his behavior. I think he should have stuck to his guns when he said he wants to break up. That’s the only way he can continue the work he has done & become a better person. To.me it really looks like he WANTS to become a better version of himself.
He does not OWE Brittney anything. Her little fit shows that she believes he owes her everything because she stuck by him and that’s a lot of pressure for anyone to deal with. When her family was there & she was saying shit like “if we want tacos he needs to bring us tacos…if we want pedicures he needs to drive us and pay for pedicures” or whatever she said was really telling to me.
She likes that he fucked up because she honestly felt more solid in their horrible relationship because he OWED her now. That’s a bunch of bullshit. She’s as fucked up as he is but now he is actually trying to be better and he needs to get away from her pronto.
Sociopaths & narcissists can imitate empathy. That’s what Jax does. There is nothing honest about him. He is for sure fucking the reike chick (if she let him that is). Britney doesn’t want to be broken up. She wants to be on TV. Her family wants her to ge on TV no matter how trashy the storyline she has to play or disgusting the relationship she has to be in.
You really think he’s having sex with reiki girl? I so badly want to believe she is helping him. And helping him only. Damn it!!!! I don’t want him to be messing around with her. I’m not a fan of Jax but i am in my own recovery process so maybe i just want to believe people who are seeking help are sincere about it. But you are probably correct Jen.
I didn’t see the taco and pedicure speech, but I do recall her mother staying with them and Jax coming in with a Starbuck’s coffee (just one, for himself) and Britt saying “Oh there you are! We wondered where you went.” I was surprised he hadn’t brought coffee for the ladies.
Same think on this recent episode: Jax comes in with his own (one cup) Starbucks and Britt says “You went for coffee?” smiling.
I’ve never seen a couple who live together where one half of the couple goes out for coffee and doesn’t at least offer to pick up for the other half. Much less have your girlfriend’s mother staying with you and not bring her a coffee! Most men would bring in a box of bagels or doughnuts for the brownie point.s
Omg you’re totally right!!!! I was waiting for him to hand that cup to her like maybe he finished his in the car. It never happened & those are little things i usually notice while observing a mans behavior. Soooo rude.
I can’t believe it, but I love Stassi this season. When she was talking to Britney about worrying that she was afraid her best years might be behind her, my heart grew 2 sizes. She was vulnerable and sincere. I wanted to give her a hug.
I really like her this season. I wish so much she didn’t do all of those very stupid things followed by even worse “apologies ” on her podcast because I’d really think she has changed. I like her but I kind of know I cant…
The Lady Cocotte is,hands down, the best Vanderpump Rules blogger ever! *bows down*
My only addition is… as soon as Stassi’s douche bf threw out the word ‘myopic’ in a casual conversation with her..and then proceeded to confuse her with an attempted GOT analogy that made no sense…I was DONE with him!
To be honest all I feel is a big meh. Jax (sp.?)
to me is one coked up muthafu&”@.
His beady-ass wide eyed pacing/sweating. p The nonsensical thumping on his chest parading and grunting for a chick from Kentucky falls flat and super I wanted to be a soap star but failed so here I am at 40ish.
They are all seriously a fuckin wreck jtbese are peeps cruising towards 40 ?…
I think I keep plodding on just for the opinions on blogs.
Stassi’s lover looks like Mr. SupahPretentious Potatohead. He must suck in bed to juvenile narcscissts banging is painful.
“No I’m super brilliant and aloof…”
“Clearly I am more hipster and have a bun”
“Perhaps but I actually make weird ass clunky plastic shit for super hot babes duh!”
God bless the internets because if I didn’t stumble here and the snark Bravo would never be paid for on my cable bill.
Does anyone know why Scheana was absent in this episode?
I developed a soft side for Katie after tonight’s episode. It’s been refreshing this season watching her exude confidence and loving her body that has been shamed by others in the past. Very inspirational, Katie.
The Jax and Brit scene seems incredibly scripted. Stassi’s man needs to retake high school English (like dude, you are trying too hard with your vocab)
I am having a hard time deciding if James and Krazy actually hooked up.
And Ariana, it’s time to replace the Charles Owen with a Samshield… the horse world is a trendy and expensive one, I tell ya.
Were those TT things cufflinks? I thought they were [extremely feminine] rings.
I shouldn’t have assumed they were cufflinks. With the Sandoval factor, rings seem more his jam. BTW, once TomTom opens we’re all required to visit & steal all the TT branded glasses & salt/pepper shakers we can.
?
This recap is one of the best EVER. I think we all need to visit TT en masse. I’ve been sober for years, but damn! I want to taste those cocktails. Just a TASTE, not a gulp. I admit, I love the Tom Toms. I do want to spank Swartzy every so often — and not in a sexual way. Why hasn’t anyone approached Sandoval to front a metrosexual hair and facial product line? Maybe a facial razor infomercial is in his future. (Along with Caroline Manson who does it too!) Maybe after TomTom opens and the cocktail book comes out … And James Kennedy? Reality TV gold!
Caroline MANZO formerly of RHONJ. She shaves her face too — and no wrinkles!
Katie’s makeup line is a joke. It’s private label for one and the lipsticks are TINY, practically sample size! They don’t list the ingredients or the size on the website but they do sure list no returns/refunds! It’s a scam when you don’t list ingredients or the size and post no refunds. They’re also lying about it being vegan when it might contain carmine and the lipliners contain beeswax. Buyer beware.