Y’all. It has been a day, or maybe even a week here. I almost forgot to recap this show entirely because Lady C has gotten a life and doesn’t have time to pull photos for me and Southern Charm did not show up as having a new episode tonight. It was only because I added Station 19 to my DVR tonight that it alerted me that it conflicts with Southern Charm. Then Spectrum had the wrong show title in the episode guide. It’s all been a huge disaster.
Side note the proper episode guide says, “Kathryn finally meets Ashley, the woman determined to be the next Mrs. Ravenel.” Oh the shade of it all. Okay, let’s get going with this. Apologies in advance, for everything. I’m a giant mess today.
First of all we get a promo for Southern Charm New Orleans. It looks fantastic but I hate it is on after RHOA because the upcoming reunion shows are going to take a couple of hours to recap. That means that SCNO might get pushed to Monday morning. God my life is weird.
So we are back with raw chickens on the BBQ and T-Rav holding his new nursemaids hand in the limo. He is really going overboard to sell this as a real relationship. Oh and he called the recapper from Island Packet, a Hilton Head news outlet a tampon after her review last week. Thomas and I follow each other and get along on Twitter but I think this season might end that. He HATES the elderly carperbagger this season though so perhaps we can continue to bond over that.
Our little Polo groupie is already asking Thomas to marry her and let her be the nanny. She seems completely clueless about Thomas and his cold feet. Thomas and Ashley arrive first. Most people are wearing decent clothes except for Shep who never knows how to dress, and Ashley in her cootie cutters. I have no idea whose house they are looking at. Did Shep by another property? Because Shep lives in a beach house ON THE BEACH in IOP. But IOP won’t let them film. I need to ask K. Cooper Ray or someone about this situation. Ah! Cameran just said it is a rental property. It seems like someone told me it’s on AirBnB sorry, I’m having an off night. I’m thinking I might keep this place as a rental property. It’s hard to give up a house that is paid for. It this blog thing ever stops being lucrative, I’m up shit’s creek.
Craig is nervous about seeing Naomi for the first time since they split. At least he has Sean waiting for him at home. Naomi is nervous too. Naomi said she had a hard time with the break-up and she feels like Craig did not. She doesn’t understand Craig at all. Who got gizmo in the divorce? Chelsea is not happy that Austen moved on and began dating her friend. Then they deservedly trash JD.
The girls limo is full of anger toward pretty much all the guys. They are just going to party their asses off and have fun. When the girls arrive, Ashley is practically shitting her cootie cutters. Thomas is sweating like a whore in church. It’s hysterical. It’s so awkward because there are so many couples there that are broken up. Kathryn is drinking Red Bull out of a wine glass. Dorit would be HORRIFIED! LOL Shep tries to advocate for Craig. It’s awkward.
Kathryn has Ashley pegged for being dumb as a rock. They tell some random story about why Ashley moved to Charleston. We all know why Ashley moved to Charleston. I’m surprised she lasted the full season. She must be very good at what she does. It seems she has a lot of experience. Thomas knows exactly what he is dealing with here. JD arrives and the girls all get stank face. The girls flee and talk to Kathryn about the Ashley situation. She admits she still loves Thomas. I believe Thomas still loves her in the way that he is capable of loving someone. Naomie is very bothered by Craig. I HATE Naomie and Craig together and would rather see him with Kathryn. Or Sean. Naomie more interested in Craig now than she ever was in their entire relationship. She seems pissed he is fine without her constantly telling him he is not good enough and mocking his awesome embroidery skills.
The pregnant chick just wants to eat. So the guys come and join her. Starting with JD who no one wants to talk to. Cameran says pregnancy is not as bad as she thought. She likes having boobs. But she is not the kind of girl who loves being pregnant. She is eating a lot and got huge during the pregnancy.
Kathryn finds an opportunity to approach Thomas alone. They hug again. He says he likes her new hair color and tells her an old man blonde joke. Then Kathryn finds out that Thomas has violated the agreement by hiring a nanny without consulting her. Kathryn is handling it like an adult. Thomas said in confessional if this Kathryn had been present when they were together things would have been better. Well, Thomas, for one thing, she is off drugs, something that I’m not sure I can say about you. Then production sends in the polo chick.
She starts by saying she has had do much about her. Then she says that as the mother of Thomas’ children she has nothing but respect for him. Then she says that the children are beautiful. According to the custody agreement, this bitch is not supposed to be around her kids. So Kathryn is taken back that she has met her children. She says that Thomas never mentioned he had a girlfriend. Well, Kathryn, you seemed to know in the car on the ride over she was coming. At the very least production told you are my myriad of posts about this little number. Kathryn handles it all like a young lady of breeding and impeccable manners. So for the Kathryn haters out there, sober Kathryn out from under all of Thomas’ bad influences is a different person.
Finally everyone is at the dinner table. The topic turns to JD. He says Elizabeth doesn’t want him but she also doesn’t want him to be with anyone else. No, asshole, she doesn’t give a shit what you do. You fleeced her out of her entire inheritance that ALLEGEDLY went right up your nose. Shut up and sit down. The women are stewing at the table. Except for Ashley who it looks like Thomas if fingering under the table.
Craig, Shep and Cameran talk about how weird it is for Craig to see Naomie inside the house. Then Thomas and Ashley come up and lock themselves in the bathroom. You know what happens when people lock themselves in the bathroom? It’s not sex. Go ask Lisa Rinna.
Meanwhile, JD will not shut up about pretending that he loves Elizabeth. Bitch please. You missed a kid’s birth out on a three day bender, you spent her entire inheritance, you screwed half of Charleston, and you are a piece of shit. I am not even going to dignify that with an allegedly. Let’s go to court and air your shit out. Finally, Naomie stops this bullshit show.
Naomie says that that he should have been a better husband. JD wants to know why she would say such a thing. Um, because your behavior is all over the Internet? I think this is the episode that Haymaker wanted my headline for. But I swear to God that production company is so fucked up. It’s usually a simple release. I generally give an electronic signature and don’t even ask for money. Anyway it was a shit show and so far no one has given them rights to use their site in the show. I’ve been calling JD out as a fraud for several seasons. He is not Southern, he’s from fucking Colorado or somewhere and he’s a slime ball masquerading as a southerner. Just like Patti. At least Patti is “southern adjacent” from Florida or wherever the hell she is from.
Back to the episode. Naomie says she goes to his house every day and picks Elizabeth up from her bed. He literally destroyed Elizabeth from what I am told. She trusted JD. She over looked the cheating. And the benders. And then he bankrupted her. JD says they both made mistakes. Her only mistake was trusting his lying ass. Naomie says he is out every night fucking twenty year olds. Chelsea pipes up with the fact he is a con artist. Naomie says everyone at this table knows he is a complete piece of shit. JD leaves and that is likely the last we will see of him.
Meanwhile Thomas and Polo chick come out of the bathroom having missed the whole thing. Craig thinks they were hooking up. I don’t I thinking people were doing coke in Shep’s bathroom. Then Shep goes to the bathroom because suddenly he needs to wash his feet. Thanks Thomas! Whitney comes up to join the inside crew.
Craig goes to comfort Naomie. Does Craig have dip in his mouth? That seems so not Craig but something is going on with him. At any rate, they are both drunk. What is going on with Craig’s mouth? Is that a coke thing? I barely remember the coke times. lol. Naomie cries about breaking up with Craig. Bullshit. She move on immediately on IG to gay guys. She has a type.
Finally we are past the BBQ at Shep’s AirBnB. Naomie and Kathryn meet for tea in the morning. They were the only two who didn’t drink much. Kathryn cries about JD and Elizabeth and how she sees parallels between her and Thomas. Both of those guys are deceptive. Kathryn says she wants to have friends again because she pushed everyone away for Thomas. Naomie promises she is a real friend. Meh. I am not fond of Namomie because I’m #TeamCraig but whatever. And I want Kathryn to have a friend.
Then we get Thomas and the polo chick who seems to think a fake pearl necklace will make her appear southern. I can’t with this trick. Thomas says Ashley fits better with him than Kathryn did because he was trying to fit Kathryn into a square hole. Oh Thomas. You are so full of shit and you dick time is limited. You need to get SOMEONE before your dick stops working. Choose wisely. This polo chick is WORKING YOU. Will she be there til the end? Oh sure, she may even try to expedite the end and get it all. Kathryn on the other hand LOVES YOU despite it all and You LOVE her to the best of your meager ability to do so. JUST STOP THIS RIGHT NOW. You are going down a path that is documented on TV and your children do not need to see.
Thomas Ravenel is an idiot for not being with Kathryn.