Let me set the stage for tonight’s Vanderpump Rules. Jax, the last person anyone should believe about anything, convinces the group that Kristen and James cheated on their partners (based entirely on the positions of a few pillows and empty bottles). He changes James’ denial into an admission by replacing “hung out with” to “messed around with.” It’s so convincing, even James starts to believe. Kristen, already showing signs of the crazy, throws caution to the wind and blows up James’ life. Their final dinner is just a casualty of war.
We pick back up with the drink toss heard round el mundo. Lala is pissed. She acts like throwing wine is the lowest form of warfare (when we all know it’s spitting). She even considers leaving the WoWeHo. James drunk dials Raquel, mumble-crying vague innuendos. He warbles, “I have something to tell you when I get home,” and abruptly hangs up. It’s drama to the fourth power.
Kristen feeds on the chaos. Her face, flush with excitement, looks to her gathered friends for validation. She’s greeted by a wall of ice. Stassi and Katie are done playing this game (at least in this location). While Katie drones on about making good decisions or something, Crazy Kristen adds names to her enemies list.
Lala is mad. Crazy mad. It’s her and James against the world again. While James worries about the wrath of Kristen, Lala prepares to drink the blood of her enemies. But super thug-like. She is the Eminem to his Dre. Pop pop. “Ain’t nobody gangster like us.” Sucks bottle. James, terrified of the war ahead, needs his own baba.
Just like at home, Jax kicks Brittany out so he can do Reiki (this time over the phone). Jax has found the perfect racket. Kelsey strokes his ego to completion and it’s not even considered cheating.
Back in LA, Kristen has to tell Carter about the rumor. He says he accepts her version of the truth but his posture is angry. James has convinced himself that he said it (he didn’t) as a joke (he didn’t). Now he has to persuade Raquel. I can’t decide if James and Raquel are sad or gross. She’s the Vanderpump Rules Melania Trump.
Jax prepares to rage on the barback. It excites Brittany. This is why I can’t, with either of them. Jax confronts the reprobate at Sur. I expect twitchy and intense but Jax is actually mature (is that even possible?). He doesn’t blame. He just needs this week’s featured extra to know that he and Brittany are really together. A family. Even though he’s out of the woods, Brittany’s paramour throws Scheana under the bus. It’s kindling to Jax’s fire. He turns to Brittany. It’s time to pick a team. Jax Taylor or Scheana Marie Shay Marie. Brittany will lose either way. But you kind of have to respect a man who calls a friend, divorced for one week, Divorce-O. Maybe respect isn’t the right word. Is bitch better?
Jax wants a fight but Scheana won’t play ball. She thinks she has every right to set Brittany up with anyone she wants. Because she’s mad. Lala is James’ bodyguard but Jax thinks he can take them. Lisa’s arrival sounds the time-out alarm for everyone but Jax. He doesn’t even notice when he plows right through Ken. Before LVP can file a workers’ comp lawsuit, Jax starts screaming in Lisa Vanderpump’s her face. This is even better than Kristen’s “suck a dick” freak out. Jax straddles the hostess stand, his final action flipping off the entire restaurant.
Suddenly, it’s as if everyone speaks a foreign language. Jax can’t understand that LVP is sending him home. He can’t understand that Sandoval wants to help. He’s alone in a world he doesn’t understand. He stands outside the restaurant, cursing and pacing. For the first time in Vanderpump history, Jax rips off his mic and storms away, screaming. “Tell the fucking truth!” Did we get relocated to Scary Island because this has gone beyond a bad edit. This is a breakdown.
James watches with glee (the Kristen rumors). But he’s also wistful. All he wants is to be best mates with Jax. Remember how much fun they had when they drank absinthe? Or how hard they partied in Mexico (before Jax spread rumors about him). He tries his best. Why won’t Jax love him?
Next week: Katie throws another Pucker and Pout party. James flirts with Lala in front of Raquel. Carter confronts Sandoval about the Mexico rumor (although I don’t quite understand the math on that one). Jax takes no responsibility for his Sur meltdown. Stassi suggests Brittany is wasting her best years. Jax use the “you deserve someone so much better than me” to keep Brittany in line.