After a long week, RuPaul’s Drag Race is my version of a bubble bath. RuPaul, take me away. Take me to a world that sparkles and glows. With men willing to kit up in a dress and heels. That looks like it smells like bubbles and rosewater (even if I know it really smells like a men’s locker room). Bring me episode three…
At this point, RuPaul is mocking us with his product placement, right? This quick drag mini-challenge seems an odd choice in the age of #metoo. RuPaul’s disembodied voice coaches the queens through ridiculous stunts and pantomime. All in the name of the RuPaul Chocolate Bar. Très Jolie, Coco.
Winners: Blair St Claire, Monique Heart and Monét X Change
We go from a fake ad for a real thing to a fake ad for a fake thing. Progress. This time, it’s a commercial for ridiculous dating apps. Blair St Clair heads Team End of Days, the number one dating site for doomsday preppers. Resident sore winner Monique leads Team Fibster, for the pathological liars of the world. Monét X Change rounds out the bunch with Team Madam Buttrface, for, well, all the butterfaces out there.
Here’s my big question for you: Why is Mayhem Miller always picked next to last when the queens choose teams? She’s talented and polished. The judges adore her, Wouldn’t you want that kind of talent on your team? Monique makes sure we know that Mayhem is the weakest link on Team Fibster. There must be something going on behind scenes.
What I learned from the maxi-challenge rehearsals: Yuhua is the Eureka of her group. Eureka is the Eureka of her group. Their group mates sigh a lot. Kameron needs extra time to do his makeup. You can’t all wear fake noses but you can wear all of the fakes noses. And we’re not the only ones repeating, “Vanjie. Vanjie. Vannnjie!” on loop.
Michelle Visage and Carson Kressley think they’ve been cast to direct the commercials. I guess they didn’t get the memo. This is the Monique Heart show. Her name should be emblazoned on those chairs. She’s doing all the work. Every time she calls, “Action!” Michelle grabs Carson’s arm in glee. Monique is driving this train all the way to the bottom.
The Aquaria/Cracker beef had dirty, unprotected sex and gave birth to the Aquaria/The Vixen squabble. It’s loud and unnecessary. Eventually, Aquaria runs away like she’s Tamra in Bali. That’s her opinion signature move.
Dusty appreciates that Blair’s religious family fully supports her. His experience wasn’t as rosy. He didn’t so much come out as be found out. His parents’ solution: give that boy an exorcism. Unsurprisingly, they weren’t able to pray the gay away. Contrary to what his pastor promised, living in his truth brings Dusty joy. Even if it doesn’t include his family.
Monique Heart’s assistant directors (Michelle Visage and Carson Kressley) share the judging table with Courtney Love and some mactor guy. Earworm-wise, “Category is, feathers,” might be the new “Miss Vanjie. Miss Vanjie. Miss Vannnjie!”
The runway is fairly predictable. Some hits, some misses. Pleasantly, no one really goes overboard. And then Asia O’Hara shows her fellow contestants how a meme is made. Is it the engulfing, yellow, feathered, floor length poncho? Or the uncomfortable Tweety Bird eyes? Or the Party City Whoville wig? Yes. It is any one of them.
The challenge commercials are a bust. Halfway through the first, I think to myself, “I can’t believe I have to watch three of these.” Not a good sign. They are long. They are boring. Coming on the heels of the Drug Opera (not the good kind of drug, not the good kind of opera), I’m a little concerned about the rest of the season. And get those pesky kids off my lawn.
Top three: Asia O’Hara, Eureka and Blair St Clair
Bottom three: Yuhua, Kameron and Mayhem
Although they worked in groups, the queens are judged individually. Some of the looks get namechecked. Carson calls Blair’s dress Marchesa (snicker) and the judges thinks Asia O’Hara evokes couture Moschino. They’re clearly not taking my opinion into consideration. Yuhua sees Mayhem throw Monique under the bus so she tries it with Monét. Michelle says, “No, Ma’am.” She flags the bus down and pulls Monét to safety. Not today, Satan.
Winner: Asia O’Hara
Bottom two: Yuhua Hamasaki and Kameron Michaels Mayhem Miller (oops, I wrote that name too soon)
Yuhua Hamasaki and Mayhem Miller perform Celebrity Skin by Hole. Mayhem is an incredibly successful drag queen who made it on Drag Race after years of trying. Leaving in disgrace is not an option. She fights tooth and nail to stay. While Yuhua bumbles around the stage like a Rock of Love reject (I guess I miss VH1’s early reality experiments), Mayhem holds our attention in her bare hands. Yuhua never had a chance. No amount of splits or death drops can outperform the Mayhem.
Mayhem Miller, shantay you stay. Yuhua Hamasaki, sashay away.
Next week: The queens need 3 looks for a Ball. Monique feels a certain way about being thrown under the bus.