I am so excited to see Jackie Hoffman who I fell in love with during Feud: Bette and Joan. It you missed that series I highly recommend it for her performance alone. Also, I know we can count on her to bring some humor into the evening no matter how much unnecessary shade Andy throws at Luann. Jackie is a woman of a certain age daringly wearing a sleeveless dress. She just goes right in and flaps it about for us to get it out of the way. She says it’s one thing she has that the housewives don’t. That and a husband. She’s so funny.
We start with the Diana Ross issue so we can get that out of the way. Luann is shocked and horrified that her tribute to Diana Ross, who she loves was seen in a negative light. Luann says she would never dream of doing a black face and was wearing her usual bronzer. She apologizes to those she has offended. Jackie says she is shocked anyone noticed skin when she had on a sixty foot afro. Andy says his issue is with the afro because Diana Ross rarely wore one.
What we really should be talking about is Dorinda’s horrific Lady Gaga costume. I can’t believe Dorinda is only fifty-three. That nude body suit and bra made her look a lot older. It was just a really bad costume. Jackie says, “It’s great to be a drunk and date a dry cleaner because when you puke on your own clothes…”
Lu has a penthouse in the city all by herself now. And for some reason the idiots think that she owes the girls an apology. She absolutely does not. They had no business butting into her relationship and constantly trying to break up her relationship. If anyone thinks any of them were doing it from a place of love, they are morons. Luann just laughs and says, “That’s interesting, I feel like I suffered enough.” Luann has seen Tom once since the divorce in a public setting and they exchanged hellos and that was it. She still sees Jacques. He has a new girlfriend and she is lovely. They are very close friends, like family.
As the morons are voting for who won them over on the premiere, I believe the criteria is supposed to be the costumes, Jackie says her favorite was Ramona because she looked like a Luden’s cough drop melting in the sun. Bethenny won the poll with Dorinda a close second.
Andy goes through a whole bunch of feuds on housewives and Jackie is pretty tame in her selections. She does point out that the RHOA goad Porsha because she is not very bright. She loves Erika but is on Teddi’s side in that feud and then it is Dorit versus Everyone and before Andy can even finish the question she screams, “EVERYONE!” Jackie says Siggy and Dorit, the two Jewish housewives are the worst! It pains me!” She picks Kyle’s side over LVP. She gets them all right in my opinion.
It’s shotski night and Luann is sitting it out. Sometimes non drinkers have water in theirs but perhaps Luann doesn’t want to give the appearance until her court date is over. I don’t think Lu gave up alcohol entirely anyway. I believe she still drinks red wine. But again, she is not advertising that until after her court date.
We got a sneak peek of Tinsley next week and I am already not a fan of Tinsley or Dorinda this season. That didn’t last long. Tinsley is a total cunt to Luann and dragging her about her divorce. She is going to be allied with Carole and both will be seen as the villains this season. That leaves me with Lu and Bethenny and Flopsie and Mopsie this season I guess.
Bethenny wants to know if the hostess is supposed to greet the guest or if guest is supposed to greet the hostess. Countess says the guest is supposed to greet the hostess. I love you, Lu, but you are wrong. The hostess is supposed to be up on her feet greeting everyone who enters and insuring that no one is feeling left out, not parked on a couch guzzling booze until she can no longer speak. The guest is supposed to seek out the hostess to thank her for the invitation upon leaving. And sending a lovely note to the hostess afterward is a nice touch. One would think a Countess would know this.
On the after show, someone asks Luann what her night in prison was like. She gives us all some advice. She says you need to remember three numbers from your phone. She says she didn’t know anyone’s number by heart except for Tom’s and she wasn’t about to call him and the Count was in Europe so he would be no help. Her children were in Europe also, so she didn’t call anyone. She was standing at a payphone with no money so she had to call collect. She tried to call her publicist but he didn’t answer. So she just waited it out until she got her phone back. She was in jail at 10 pm and didn’t get out until noon the next day. She was in a cell alone, she didn’t sleep at all and she had a hellish hangover. It was awful.
Luann says there were a serious of events that if either had gone differently she would never have been arrested. She said she got on the elevator (with some guy) and pushed four and they went to her room. Only her room was on the third floor. She emptied out her bag looking for the key and by the time she found it the door was open because a maid was in there doing a turn down. If she had not been she could never have wandered in the wrong room. Clearly, she was so drunk she didn’t know she was in the wrong room and the guy obviously wouldn’t know either.
And that’s a wrap! Jackie Hoffman will be with Lu for one of her Cabaret shows in NYC and tickets are selling like hotcakes.