Southern Charm and Imposters coming back on the same night is almost too much good news at once! Wait, did they really just run RelationShep before the premiere? Please God no. Are we going to have to pretend like he found love? Because, no. Just noe.
We start with Shep bringing Chick-Fil-A to Cameron who is laying in bed being very pregnant with baby Palmer. I used to love Chick-Fil-A until a few years ago when they went all healthy with the bread. At least in the spicy chicken wraps that I used to love. Shep tells Cameron that basically, the girl he went to see in NYC dumped him. It’s Shep’s 38th birthday. Which is shocking because he looks at least 45.
Next we see Kathryn’s apartment on Daniel Island I a pause to tell you that not only does she live on Daniel Island (which is a newish planned development built on some sort of reinforced swamp land) but so does Thomas and the kids, and so does the new polo chick from the west coast who is currently the resident of Thomas’s fuck house. Thomas bought a house around the corner from his house for smashing and since he’s smashing whats her name for this season, she is living there probably in a nice place than the mother of his children. Kathyrn has just had a drug test and her arm is completely black and blue. What janky place does she have to go for her blood tests? According to their very detailed custody agreement, they are entering phase two and Thomas has to fire the nanny. Also, Kathryn will get an unsupervised visitation on Saturdays for the first time. The other visits are still supervised, usually by her mother. This phase lasts two months.
Then we see the soon to be fired nanny playing housewife to Thomas for hopefully the last time. Then Ashley the polo chick arrives and lets herself into the house and makes herself right at home. I bet she is happy this nanny is leaving too.
Kathryn tells Danni that her three year old told her “Ashley sleeps in the room with Daddy” I am not sure I believe that. I think Daddy sleeps in the room with Ashley at the flop house and slinks back home in the wee hours. Kathryn says Thomas is lucky is new girlfriend is a hospice nurse, that will come in handy. It’s actually a smart job for polo girl to have. Two birds, one stone.
Craig and Naomie have split and are moving into different places. I am team Craig. Craig has a new roommate named Sean. Um, I’m not going to say anything about that. Naomie has her new face. Chelsea and Austin are also broken up so the girls can run the streets together.
OMG. I’m having a panic attack and a freak out. Austen is at the Windjammer on IOP and this is where some of the most pivotal moments of my life occurred. I am literally having to take a moment to collect myself. I was not prepared for this. God I miss this place. I came really close to having a winter beach rental within walking distance this past winter and it was snapped up before I had a chance. This is really where I need to live. Shep joins Austen and it seems he misses Chelsea. And with that we leave the Windjammer.
The editing is weird. There is no way that Shep changed his shirt three times in one day to film three scenes with Cameran, Austen and Whitney. I’m not even sure Shep owns three shirts. Yet here we are back in Charleston in yet another bar with Whitney. Whitney looks ten years younger and much happier than the last time we saw him. He says the Yankee carpet bagger has locked down a new mark for husband number 47. She’s trying to pass of a “diamond ring” that would be a good 25 carats if it were not glass as an engagement ring. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say we never see this mysterious elderly suitor.
Thomas stops by to see JD at the guest house. Wait, he’s still allowed to live in the guest house after all the shit he pulled? Because after all that this happened. And he’s a POS. JD is drunk when Thomas arrives and production makes sure we see the copious amounts of booze in the house. Since Elizabeth refused to film, JD is driving the narrative to “Elizabeth fell out of love with him and was not supportive.” When her side of the story was ALLEGEDLY, JD has been fucking around on her, missed the birth of one of their kids while out on a three day bender, squandered all of the money her mother left her on coke and whores and failed businesses and is a slimebucket. I can’t believe this yankee poser is playing the victim. Even Thomas seems to be having a hard time sitting through this scene.
Shep and Craig meat at the butcher shop to buy meat for the birthday party. Shep’s apparently belated birthday party will be the first all cast.
WAIT! This is not Shep’s IOP house. Probably because IOP would not let him film RelationShep there and likely refused further filming of Southern Charm as well after his dickish behavior. Shep’s IOP how is on the ocean. I am not sure where this place is. Where the fuck are they? Wherever they are, Craig, Shep, and Austen are too drunk to grill the meat. It’s kind of hysterical.
Meanwhile, somewhere else, the girls are all talking about the sex habits of the guys. All the girls are single. The girls talk about Elizabeth and JD. They make it seem like Elizabeth will be on the show but I don’t think she will. She was devastated. The girls mock the polo groupie who moved across the country
to be on TV for love. I love how they are all team Kathryn. All the girls are single and on the same side.
We are up to four drunk assholes who don’t know how to grill. This must be some crappy house in Mount Pleasant. I want a crappy house in Mount Pleasant, but I am sort of ready to just spend it all on a beach rental on IOP because I am having health issues and don’t want to die being frugal in the ghetto.
That was a surprising well produced episode by Haymarker. But dear Lord trying to work with some of them is like pulling teefs.
Next week: The showdown happens.