Calling all Vanderpeople. Tonight concludes the Vanderpump Rules season 6 Mexico adventure. Expect tears. Expect shouting. Expect Kristen on James action? It’s a rewind episode. Production tells us upfront the moral majority have decided Kristen and James made up plus some. Could it be true? Did she cheat on Carter? Did James cheat on Raquel? Will we ever get the backstory?
12 hours earlier…
James uses his personality and charm
TV to get the club DJ to play the Pump CD. He is in his glory. White Kanye, making it happen. His DJ swerve works on a drunk Kristen. A drunk, drunk, drunk Kristen. She slurps her drink seductively. She lurches erotically. She gives all four of him the eye. People notice their sudden rapprochement. And quicker than you can say Hasenpfeffer Incorporated, production shows us that neither of their beds were slept in. Sounds a little pirate-y to me.
Jax has finally found his calling (and it’s not tweeting for Tampa hockey). If sex scene reenactments paid, he’d be a rich man. Oh wait, that exists. It’s called porn and Jax is very familiar with it. Okay, so maybe he’s more of a sex sleuth. He spins a few clues into a convincing argument that Kristin and James definitely boned. Brittany wishes he spent as much energy on their relationship (sad).
How the Survers greet the day says so much about their personality. Ariana, looking flawless, gives Sandoval a perfectly produced compliment on his golf attire. Sandoval does a rehearsed spin for the camera. Katie looks like any of us do after a bender. She’s Mess America. Schwartz stares into the mirror, searching for the meaning of life. He might’ve figured it out last night but he’ll never know. He fell too deep into the cups again. Lala gets roses. Scheana totally isn’t jealous. At all. Even a little bit. Flowers from your boyfriend? Basic. You know what’s not basic? Drinking from a baby bottle. That’s just creepy.
On the links, Jax presents his rock solid case against Kristen and James. James, who hasn’t stopped drinking since dinner the night before, is easily tricked into saying words that Jax dubs an admission. By the time James figures out what is going on, the damage is done. But don’t count James out yet. He deflects onto Jax by accusing him of deflecting onto James. Did you follow that? It’s a marvel of circular logic. When he grows up, I want James to join Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
While getting massages, Scheana’s mouth only stops long enough for Brittany to drop the Kristen and James bomb. Scheana appreciates the deflection. She passes the story far and wide. Between Jax and Scheana, everyone hears tell of The Boning of Kristen By James.
Sidenote: Is LVP advertising Tom Tom or angling for a design show? I don’t understand her cutaway scenes.
The WoWeHo don’t believe Kristen. With friends like these… While James is passed out next door, Sandoval and Jax recite his admission word for word (replacing “hanging out” with “hooking up”). It’s damning evidence. The group has to choose sides because, emotional maturity of a twelve year old. Do they believe the pathological liar or the chronic cheat? Now this is an actual dilemma. I have a Schroedinger’s cat thing going. I think they did hook up but I also don’t believe Jax. That’s my circular logic.
Kristen is mad at James. She thinks he started the rumor in a locker room bid to curry favor the big boys. James is furious that Jax is lying about him. Stop whining, James. You knew he was a snake when you picked him up. In case anyone is still confused, James makes it crystal clear. He. Would. Never. Cheat.
Tom Schwartz tells his friends a cute story about ending up at a nearby resort with no idea how he got there. All we hear is a cry for help.
Sandoval got all of his boys suits with short pants expressly for the final dinner. He’s pissed that only he (leopard print) and James (neon pink) wear theirs. Those outfits are going to look especially silly once Kristen blows up dinner. It happens during her toast. She rushes past the thank yous, straight to the venom. Kristen eviscerates James, backed up by Jax and the Toms. There’s an evil beauty to a gambit like this. Change one word from James into a confession. People will independently “remember” because most of it was said. Even James is second guessing himself. He knows he didn’t say it but… it does sound familiar. I don’t know who the mastermind is but I know it’s not Jax.
Words are exchanged but Kristen wants a gunfight. She tosses her beer in James’ face like she’s auditioning for a two-episode arc on Y&R. Lala gets splash-off and all I hear is, “Sorry, French!” James and Lala storm away, camera crew in tow. This isn’t over.
Next week: Lala blows up her lips with the Kylie Jenner bottle challenge. Kristen has to convince Carter she didn’t cheat. Production throws a progress party at Tom Tom. And Jax confronts Brittany’s barback, to disastrous effect.