We are back in Berlin. Germany has never been at the top my “Countries to Revist As An Adult List” for some reason, probably German tourists, but Berlin looks cool.
LVP, Erika Jayne and Dorit head off to shop while Rinna, Kyle and Teddi go in the opposite direction for coffee and sight-seeing. Whatever happened to Erika Jayne’s “sniper from the side” attitude toward LVP? Why on earth does she stick up for Dorit? What happened to her relationship with Kyle? She took her on tour to Greece with her! Or her friendship with Rinna who took her to Tokyo on this very season? Erika Jayne’s allies make no sense to me this season. I’d be off with Rinna, Kyle and Teddi and not just because the other three are going high-end shopping when they have better shops for that in their home town without paying VAT.
Suddenly, Dorit is healed. The shopping crew has a personal shopper named Axel. The script calls on the three of them to summon him by name every three seconds. Or I hope it is the script and they are not really so needy of being waited on hand and foot while shopping. I do not like going shopping with anyone. I don’t want them waiting on me and I don’t want to look at whatever they are buying. I’m a bitch like that. And in several other ways. Dorit bought a faux fur just like the one Kyle has. That is the one she wore on WWHL. They spent thousands of euros each.
The other three order coffees like they are in LA. The waiter just pretends like they have all the weird they are asking for and brings them normal lattes. Or at least that is what I would do. The breakfast order was just as ridiculous.
Everyone heads off for a horseback tour through the countryside. It’s a bit rainy. The Waldorf Astoria van is a thing of beauty with two-tone leather seats with head rests. I’d like someone to drive me around in that all the time. When I win the lottery the first thing I want is a full staff of employees. A driver on call 24/7, a gaggle of maids, and a chef and a sous chef. The sous chef would keep my kitchen full of chopped veggies for me to use when I wanted to cook. Dorit claims she has ridden many times but wants a horse that won’t take off with her. LOL. Lies. Kyle literally wants a pony. And she is allergic to horses.
Rinna’s horse takes off and she can’t get control of it. Teddi talks her through it. LVP just loves it. Kyle has to get off her pony because of her allergies. She needs allergy meds and eyedrops. Production takes her back in the van. She having a panic attack and worrying that she is going into anaphylactic shock. She’s on the van having a panic attack and asks that no one sit around her. It’s a big van, this should not be a problem. Yet they all crowd around her at the back of the bus. I’m having a panic attack just watching them in the back of the bus. I can’t sit in the back.
That night the staff sets up a very elegant white glove dinner service and Erika Jayne dresses to the nines with the help of her glam squad. One of the guys says something about her tattoo brows. She denies having them. I want to go get mine bladed. I always wondered why old ladies drew black pencil eyebrows on that looked so ridiculous when I was a kid. Now I know. Getting old sucks but I am not ready for the alternative.
Rinna’s disco suit is amazing. Kyle is high on some random drugs she took from strangers and needs to be in bed, but has to film. The first course is veal tartare. I love veal but hate tartare so I might have blamed it on the veal. There was a “tomato tartar” option. The name is ridiculous but it sounds tasty. Ah, Teddi is like me with the raw meat. I think Erika was the only one that ate the veal.
Rinna shares stories of Delilah’s panic attacks that started after she got sick at age eleven. LVP doesn’t want to hear about this. She wants to get on with the scripted drama. Dorit jumps in for the warm out round. She said she was hurt that Kyle ruined her Bella party by telling everyone what a backstabbing shrew she is. I paraphrased. LVP turns to Dorit and says that she knows she felt bad about it. Now Kyle is furious because once again, LVP who could just sit quietly while these two fight for her affections once again has chosen Dorit’s side. LVP keeps on jumping in trying to help Dorit make her points. Rinna is LITERALLY eating popcorn in confessional. Kyle says she will never tell LVP if someone is talking behind her back again.
Teddi dares to open her mouth in a very noncommittal sort of way, and LVP says, “Teddi, stop!” WTF? When Rinna tells LVP to let her speak LVP says basically that she is new to the group and doesn’t know what is going on. So let her speak! Rinna says anyone who is not defending LVP is shut down. She’s right. That’s chapter one of The LVP Playbook: Silence The Opposition. Dorit says they don’t need Teddi to mediate.
Dorit is really bad at recalling situations from the past. And she is bringing up fake examples of reasons that Erika should not be friends with Kyle. Is Erika finally seeing the light? I this bitching is keeping me from being told what the damn courses were at the Waldorf Fucking Astoria! I’m going to have to tweet Kyle and ask for the damn menu! In Erika’s confessional she says “I may have to use the panic room.” I hope she meant to shove Dorit into it. Dorit ruined yet another dinner with an assist from LVP. Erika sends them all to their rooms.
The next day, Dorit says Kyle is jealous of her relationship with LVP. Erika is calling for a full group tour at 2 pm. But first, LVP calls Kyle to meet with her at the square. Kyle is not feeling LVP today. The other four go ahead without them. The square is beautiful!
LVP wants to know why Kyle is upset with her. How does she not get it? Kyle explains to LVP that a friendship is a two-way street. Kyle isn’t doing a very good job of defending herself. And the fact she feels the need to defend herself is the issue itself.
Meanwhile on the van, Dorit is defenseless. LVP is not there to interject for her. Finally, Erika says to Dorit that Kyle told LVP about what Dorit said because if LVP doesn’t get a full accounting in situations like that, there is hell to pay. It had nothing to do with Dorit.
As soon as the group is all together, Dorit makes sure to pair off with Kyle. That must be infuriating to Kyle. We find out that Mauricio is only Mexican by birth his family background is Russian and Jewish and Turkish and European. She finds the holocaust graves particularly heartbreaking. I love Kyle she has a true sense of empathy. She has the kindest heart of any of the housewives on any franchise.
I don’t believe Dorit’s holocaust story. That’s how little I think of her.
We’re on to the Berlin Cathedral. I’d like to thank RHOBH production for this walking tour. It’s amazing that we are getting to see so much. Then we get to see the Berlin wall. I’m becoming a bit overwhelmed myself. Erika is very knowledgeable on all the sites and has poignant parallels to draw in real life. She’s a smart cookie, don’t let the drag fool ya.
After a long walking tour, the ladies rest up a bit and get into their casual looks to go out for beer and schnitzel. Because I love Kyle, I shall not comment on her black miniskirt and odd white top she choose for casual night. Everyone loved the food. Even Rinna nibbled on a soft hot pretzel. LVP chugged beer with the best of them. She’s leaving in the morning due to a prior commitment. This s great it leaves Dorit alone in the group for the final day and night. That should be interesting!
Oh my God. There is a BOAT RIDE on the final night! I’m rooting for Dorit to fall overboard. The girls all get up and dance in the beerhall. That looked like so much fun! Best RHOBH episode EVER!
Next week: We get to go to the zoo! I love a good zoo and even a bad one. I used to live near the world’s smallest zoo and would go all the time to see the otters! I love otters! And the boat ride. And sadly, it looks like another confrontation between Erika Jayne and Teddi. They were doing so good!