Occasionally, I watch the Vanderpump Rules opening credits. There’s something soothing about watching survers fling drinks in slow motion. This week the whole crew is in Mexico (you know, where Schwartz once flung a drink on Katie). Last week, Stassi and Lala led an all woman army against Jax. They scorched his earth in the name of Brittany. And Brittany? She didn’t say a word in her own defense.
After the big fight, the sexes retreat to their respective corners, licking their battle wounds. The WoWeHo formally induct Lala into the gang. Their drunken skinny dipping is a naked grab for attention. James is smart and keeps his mouth shut about Scheana. Instead of watching Jax and Brittany scream at each other all night, he’s partying with his mates. Rockstar. London Gangster.
The Bubbas are drunk-eating pizza at 4:30 in the morning. Stassi bursts in all atwitter. Kristen is going cuckoo, just like in Copenhagen. Remember when Kristen disappeared halfway thru their European vacay? Stassi claims she was such a nightmare they had to abandon her. Whether it’s true or not is still up for debate but I wouldn’t mind a little more Crazy Kristen.
Someone pissed off Production and everyone has a 7:30am call time. It’s worth it to go to the Xel-Ha aquatic park. It’s a beautiful background for Stassi and Kristen to yell at each other. Stassi yells. Kristen yells. Stassi gaslights Kristen. Kristen sees it for what it is but shoulders the blame anyway. I can’t tell if she gives in out of habit or pure exhaustion. She only got a few hours of sleep, after all.
Jax convinces Brittany that it’s her fault he got a beatdown from the WoWeHo (now starring Lala). He’s not entirely wrong. They yelled because he was cruel to Brittany. To Brittany. Brittany tries her damnedest to believe it. She is the Hang In There kitty, desperately clinging to the screen door of her relationship.
I refuse to acknowledge the fake Tampa Hockey storyline. You’re welcome to discuss it. I’m just tapped out on Jason Cauche and/or Kentucky.
While luxuriating in one of Xel-Ha’s many natural rock pools, James finally carries the Scheana bone to Jax. Jax waits until they’re back at the hotel, dressed for dinner, to confront Brittany. He’s inflated with righteous indignation and protein powder. His thinking is pretty simplistic: Scheana + villain = Jax #1 Guy Again.
The only thing worse than Scheana incessantly rambling on about Rob’s achievements is hearing those same stories told on repeat. At Sur Steakhouse (no affiliation), no one is interested. They’d rather jump on Jax’s bash Scheana train. And she does herself no favors when she admits she wants Brittany to see there’s life beyond Jax. I’d feel bad for her if she wasn’t only doing it because Jax told the truth started a rumor that Rob doesn’t love her. Worse, she freudian slips all over Brittany, claiming she knew all about the date.
Now Brittany’s being accused of cheating. Let that sink in for a minute. Jax just won the freaking lottery. If Brittany cheated (she didn’t), then his doesn’t count (it does). Plus, Sheana + villain = Jax #1 Guy Again. He celebrates by storming away from Brittany (and the camera). Ah, to be 38 again.
Next week: Lisa wants another dog. James gets drunk and obnoxious. The Bubbas argue. James yells at his mates. When he melts down on Kristen, she throws a drink in his face.