Vanderpump Rules is heading back to Mexico and you know what that means. Drinking. Tiny bathing suits with weird coverups. And drama. Lots of drama. Although it could never be as iconic as a Stassi birthday trip, I’m excited to see what a week of tequila and bad decisions look like.
Jax is getting old. He used to deftly juggle a harem of sad girls without breaking a sweat. Now he’s too lazy to run a con on the Reiki master and gaslight Brittany at the same time. Ergo, bye bye, Brittany. Reiki is, after all, the highlight of his week. The fact that it makes Brittany jealous is just the cherry on top. It’s kind of amazing Jax hasn’t found self-help yet. It’s perfectly suited to a narcissist like him. All that attention focused directly on you. And it’s a fabulous character reference when you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar. “I’m working on being a better person…”
In an unexpected turn of events, Jax’s storyline pivotes from loser bartender to guy-who-might-break-up-the-band-because-he-got-a-job-offer-out-of-town. I guess Tampa hockey can afford to pay Jax to… I don’t know, just kind of stand around? And we thought he’d be lost without reality TV! Jax asks the dog to move to Florida but not Brittany.
Guess who said it: “The next time I’m married is going to be to you.” Extra points for the you.
Lisa’s bucolic equine scene goes rogue when Kentucky refuses to ride. LVP, on horseback and in full English riding regalia, must crane her neck the entire time they harmonize How Do You Solve A Problem Like Jax Taylor? Brittany thinks bj’s and Mexico are the solution. Lisa knows a firmer hand is needed. As the only woman on the show who hasn’t warned Brittany away from Jax, Big Pinky does admirably. But it doesn’t matter. This is what Brittany wants. Lisa can’t relate. At the very least, she should keep an eye on that Reiki lady.
Insert generic going-to-Mexico montage. All I took away from it was Peter has to room with James. Could you imagine?
Jax is 95% sure he’s going to become the face of Tampa hockey. When Brittany wonders why she doesn’t get a vote in the matter, he flips out. Standard abuser protocol. He pulls the Toms aside to announce the big news. It’s his first achievement. He’s excited. The Toms are drunk but stay on script. Please don’t go, Jax. Who would we be without you? Clearly, this is a should he stay or should he go situation. Ha! Sandoval just said the band is breaking up. Oh, wait. I’m as funny as Tom Sandoval. That is frightening.
On the ladies’ couch, the WoWeHo plus deduce that Jax is mistreating Brittany. They’re not happy, in case the flailing arms and pursed lips don’t make that clear. When Scheana stands up for true love, the pack turn on her. Isn’t she the one that set Brittany up on a date with the cute bartender? That’s James Kennedy’s cue to get loud, lest we forgot he’s there.
With the full cast assembled, Jax is in the hot seat. Some want blood for his treatment of Brittany. Others think he’s lying about Tampa. So it’s not the best time to publicly shrug off any interest in Brittany’s hopes and dreams. Lala, protector of all women, gets in Jax’s face. He roids back. The whole table stands up for Brittany. Minus the penis-holders. Minus Brittany. The volume and intensity increases. Attacks get personal. Now it feels like a Vanderpump Rules trip to Mexico.
Next week: The Vandercreware all about the DPF. That’s drink, play,and fight for you normies. Rob tries to get off the phone with Scheana. Brittany’s blind date is the talk of the town. When confronted, Scheana throws Brittany under the bus.