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You are here: Home / Entertainment News / Vanderpump Rules: Nothing Here for Me

Vanderpump Rules: Nothing Here for Me

March 20, 2018 by The Lady Cocotte 32 Comments

By The Lady Cocotte

Vanderpump Rules is heading back to Mexico and you know what that means. Drinking. Tiny bathing suits with weird coverups. And drama. Lots of drama. Although it could never be as iconic as a Stassi birthday trip, I’m excited to see what a week of tequila and bad decisions look like.

Jax is getting old. He used to deftly juggle a harem of sad girls without breaking a sweat. Now he’s too lazy to run a con on the Reiki master and gaslight Brittany at the same time. Ergo, bye bye, Brittany. Reiki is, after all, the highlight of his week. The fact that it makes Brittany jealous is just the cherry on top. It’s kind of amazing Jax hasn’t found self-help yet. It’s perfectly suited to a narcissist like him. All that attention focused directly on you. And it’s a fabulous character reference when you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar. “I’m working on being a better person…”

In an unexpected turn of events, Jax’s storyline pivotes from loser bartender to guy-who-might-break-up-the-band-because-he-got-a-job-offer-out-of-town. I guess Tampa hockey can afford to pay Jax to… I don’t know, just kind of stand around? And we thought he’d be lost without reality TV! Jax asks the dog to move to Florida but not Brittany.

Guess who said it: “The next time I’m married is going to be to you.” Extra points for the you.

Lisa’s bucolic equine scene goes rogue when Kentucky refuses to ride. LVP, on horseback and in full English riding regalia, must crane her neck the entire time they harmonize How Do You Solve A Problem Like Jax Taylor? Brittany thinks bj’s and Mexico are the solution. Lisa knows a firmer hand is needed. As the only woman on the show who hasn’t warned Brittany away from Jax, Big Pinky does admirably. But it doesn’t matter. This is what Brittany wants. Lisa can’t relate. At the very least, she should keep an eye on that Reiki lady.

Insert generic going-to-Mexico montage. All I took away from it was Peter has to room with James. Could you imagine?

Jax is 95% sure he’s going to become the face of Tampa hockey. When Brittany wonders why she doesn’t get a vote in the matter, he flips out. Standard abuser protocol. He pulls the Toms aside to announce the big news. It’s his first achievement. He’s excited. The Toms are drunk but stay on script. Please don’t go, Jax. Who would we be without you? Clearly, this is a should he stay or should he go situation. Ha! Sandoval just said the band is breaking up. Oh, wait. I’m as funny as Tom Sandoval. That is frightening.

On the ladies’ couch, the WoWeHo plus deduce that Jax is mistreating Brittany. They’re not happy, in case the flailing arms and pursed lips don’t make that clear. When Scheana stands up for true love, the pack turn on her. Isn’t she the one that set Brittany up on a date with the cute bartender? That’s James Kennedy’s cue to get loud, lest we forgot he’s there.

With the full cast assembled, Jax is in the hot seat. Some want blood for his treatment of Brittany. Others think he’s lying about Tampa. So it’s not the best time to publicly shrug off any interest in Brittany’s hopes and dreams. Lala, protector of all women, gets in Jax’s face. He roids back. The whole table stands up for Brittany. Minus the penis-holders. Minus Brittany. The volume and intensity increases. Attacks get personal. Now it feels like a Vanderpump Rules trip to Mexico.

Next week: The Vandercreware  all about the DPF. That’s drink, play,and  fight for you normies. Rob tries to get off the phone with Scheana. Brittany’s blind date is the talk of the town. When confronted, Scheana throws Brittany under the bus.

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Filed Under: Entertainment News, Vanderpump Rules Tagged With: Ariana Madix, Billie Lee, Brittany Cartwright, dumbasses, Entertainment, Entertainment News, Felony Charge, James Kennedy, Jax Taylor, Katie Maloney, Kristen Doute, Lala Kent, Lisa Vanderpump, Logan Noh, Madison Marie Parks-Valletta, Mike Shay, Morons, Peter, PUMP, Raquel Leviss, Scheana Marie, Scheana Shay, Stassi Schroeder, SUR, Tom and Katie, Tom Sandoval, Tom Schwartz, Vanderpump Rules

About The Lady Cocotte

Comments

  1. KaraW says

    March 20, 2018 at 7:23 am

    Scheana and Rob! Am I the first? What do I win??

    Awesome episode and awesome recap, Lady C!

    Reply
  2. KaraW says

    March 20, 2018 at 7:30 am

    Would have been awesome if when everyone else knew about Brittany’s future plans, Jax came back with something about making him sandwiches. The confusion on his face was classic. What? Girlfriend not for homemaking and arm candy?

    Reply
  3. Shae says

    March 20, 2018 at 9:02 am

    Jax is such filth, every week I am amazed at how obvious he is about abusing her. Why on EARTH does this woman think he’d be a good dad???

    Reply
    • Suzanna says

      March 20, 2018 at 5:43 pm

      Thank you!! Only someone who doesn’t have children would say that. Being a dad is so much more than just playing with your kid. Of course these are the people who call the dad watching their own child “babysitting”.

      Reply
  4. Sabrina says

    March 20, 2018 at 12:04 pm

    I thought the title said it all and might be the focus of the discussion. When Jax said, “Nothing here for me” it appeared to imply he valued nothing , including Brittany- and he never cleaned it up- she seemed to gasp but never questioned it either.

    it said it all- Jax lives for himself, no one else. And nothing there matters to him, he said-he’s ready to go, leaving nothing of importance to him behind. While the comment was thrown off quickly, it reflects how he lives his life, and his priorities- nothing else is important but him and his needs. He is using Brittany for convenience, and two years from now she will be long gone. Same with his friends, job, etc.

    His entire life is shallow, self indulgent and only about him- no one and nothing else matter.

    Jax is an empty soul, at 38. Maturity, intelligence and attention span of a 6 year old.

    Reply
    • Alex says

      March 20, 2018 at 2:17 pm

      Yeah. And Lala, Kristen, Stassi, Ariana, tom and Tom and James are all deep thinkers. I thinkn you misread Jax here. Of course he’s a lout, but 1. I think he loves Brittany, to the extent he dcann love — after all the’s been upset the whole season about having potentially risked losing her and 2. he;s having a slightly early mkidlife crisis. Tampa is about his future, and if that were resolved he;d the nfocus on Brittney.

      Ir’s all moot though, all inndications are they are still inn that awful crappy apartment down the hall from dumb Katie and her drunk, amiable ducne of a husbannd

      Reply
      • tamaratattles says

        March 20, 2018 at 2:53 pm

        Fun Fact: Tampa is the stripper capital of the world. Jax would love Tampa.

        Reply
      • tamaratattles says

        March 20, 2018 at 3:02 pm

        Am I the only one who had furniture envy over Jax and Britanny’s apartment on this episode? It was so clean, and the furniture was awesome. Have they always had that?

        Also hockey season starts in October and that would probably be when the job starts.

        Part of me thinks this is a real job. I’m worse than Britanny, I know.

        Reply
        • Kate says

          March 20, 2018 at 11:41 pm

          No I’m with you. The light fixture was spectacular.

          TT I paused and rewound because the whole loook of the apartment seemed upgraded and in perfect taste. It was like a designer had been there

          Reply
          • Kipper says

            March 21, 2018 at 3:20 pm

            I did the same! The window over the sliders? The cubby with shelves next to the sliders? Very tasteful!

            Reply
    • Adonia Tedeschi says

      March 20, 2018 at 2:46 pm

      He didn’t clean it up because it was meant to intentionally mess with her head. Tampa & Reiki woman are meant to emotionally blackmail her and ‘get her in line’.

      Reply
  5. thill says

    March 20, 2018 at 1:01 pm

    I really have to laugh at the edit Jax is getting — so many shots of him with a really stupid look on his face. Captures him perfectly.

    Amazing how everyone in the world sees how badly she is treated except for Brittany. She is a foolish woman and I can only hope she wakes up one day, before marriage or at least children. (And I have always believed that these big implants only serve to make women look fat. Imagine when they get older.)

    Sandoval is looking more stupid these days too. Totally self-absorbed as well (I guess they all pretty much are.)

    Reply
    • Alex says

      March 20, 2018 at 2:19 pm

      This whole show is a battle of the double digit IQs, so the nuances of stupidity among them are just rounding errors.

      Reply
    • Skeeter says

      March 21, 2018 at 4:56 am

      Brittany isn’t a foolish woman. She just hasn’t had enough yet. To people who haven’t been through this, they probably think “enough is enough, how can she take this”. You have to hit a certain breaking point before you take action, been there, done that. She’ll have enough one day and all we can hope for is that day is before marrying this buffoon.

      Reply
      • thill says

        March 21, 2018 at 8:58 am

        I hope you are right, Skeeter. As I said, I too hope she hits reality before marriage and children.

        Reply
  6. Terri says

    March 20, 2018 at 1:06 pm

    I can’t decide whether Brittany loves being on TV and doesn’t think she’d be a part of the cast if she leaves Jax, or if she really does love him so much that she’ll continue to allow herself to be treated badly. He has no real feelings for her as a person, he just loves those big boobs he bought for her. As for his Tampa job offer, maybe he was hoping to parlay that into a Jax spin off. Take a job that he has no training for to get TV time (and pay) for himself and exposure for whatever the hell company would offer him a job.

    Reply
    • beekay says

      March 21, 2018 at 8:47 pm

      Why would a business want to partner with someone who has proven he is not trustworthy? He stole and stole from Pump and Sur! Bottles of alcohol, plates, silverware, chairs!! When Lisa came to his apartment and he served her cheese and crackers or something, she said “Is this a Sur plate?” he was not embarrassed at all.

      Someone who steals from his workplace so blatantly is not a good risk to do business with. He must ask himself why the Toms are going into business with Lisa, and not him.

      Reply
      • beekay says

        March 21, 2018 at 8:48 pm

        Oh, he also stole sunglasses on a vacation for Vanderpump Rules! I wouldn’t put it past him to have had his hand in the till at work and stolen actual cash.

        Reply
  7. Megan says

    March 20, 2018 at 1:39 pm

    Poor Peter was also my first though. He really drew the short straw on this trip!!!

    Reply
  8. therealdeb says

    March 20, 2018 at 1:52 pm

    I really wish Brittany would speak up and take her power back, it makes me sad to see her like this. Her friends cannot fight her battles for her, she has to stand up for herself. Jax is insane, his mood swings are fucking nuts, all that come and those roids aren’t doing him any favors. When they do the flashbacks of years ago and we see him now he looks terrible. I just can’t with Scheana anymore.

    Reply
  9. tamaratattles says

    March 20, 2018 at 2:32 pm

    “Jax asks the dog to move to Florida but not Brittany.”

    I mean, every sentence of this recap is brilliant. I loved this episode which I just now watched. And this recap was just everything. How did we get so lucky to have Lady C?

    Reply
  10. tamaratattles says

    March 20, 2018 at 2:35 pm

    Ooop hit reply too soon. If Jax’s imaginary job was to run the social media for the team and attend hockey games and events. Why exactly does this mean a move to Tampa?

    OTOH Britanny and Jax are constantly hinting that they are engaged these days… Would he give her a ring to convince her to move to Tampa if in fact this is an actual job?

    Reply
  11. . EnglishRose says

    March 20, 2018 at 5:06 pm

    I want Jax to be gone so badly, but I wonder who the next loser is that Brittany will hook up with. The girl has the survival instinct of a lemming. Rob is a colossal piece of work and I don’t know what’s wrong with Scheana not to see right through him to the heart of his bullshit. I get really frustrated with these women and the way they let these man jack (Jax?) them around. We older generations did a lot of fighting to make things better for women today and what do they do? Act like delusional fools around manipulative, deceitful men. I know they’re not stupid, so what gives? And LaLa? Don’t ever go near a tanning booth again. Ever. You look like Trump’s long lost daughter (or mistress).

    Reply
  12. Looloo says

    March 20, 2018 at 5:38 pm

    LA La gangster bitch act is annoying as he’ll. James one so badd to be part of this click.. I had a moment when I felt sorry for him When Jack’s took the to Tom’s off to talk he looked crushed.

    Reply
    • thill says

      March 21, 2018 at 9:00 am

      LaLa is annoying. Is anyone annoyed merely with her name? I think her real name is Lauren, but that is too boring for her “persona.” To hear LVP uttering the word “LaLa” is super grating.

      Reply
  13. AnnieO says

    March 20, 2018 at 5:50 pm

    Fantastic Recap! Yes TT, we are very lucky.
    Also, how sad was it when Sheana got all giggly when Rob said he would have controlling ownership in their Divorce Shopping App. She couldn’t concentrate because she was so distracted by his blue eyes … which look green on my tv.
    Jax is just completely disrespectful towards Brittany. It’s facinating to watch his facial expressions when he just cannot understand why people don’t see the world the way he does.
    Poor Brittany.

    Reply
  14. captivagrl says

    March 20, 2018 at 11:47 pm

    Whenever I see them all together I immediately think they’re all hookers/yachters (at least the ones on this Mexico trip). Jax is right about one thing – he’s too old for that business.

    Reply
  15. Skeeter says

    March 21, 2018 at 5:09 am

    Does Scheana realize hope pathetically desperate she looks. She is an insult to women everywhere! She is one needy bitch. She’ll be on to the next boyfriend/potential husband soon and will change herself to whatever this one’s in to. Friggin chameleon.

    Reply
    • Skeeter says

      March 21, 2018 at 5:10 am

      how* not hope (and I proofed it before I hit send LMAO)

      Reply
  16. Kipper says

    March 21, 2018 at 3:25 pm

    When did hockey become Jason’s “life?”

    Reply
  17. Kipper says

    March 21, 2018 at 11:39 pm

    I love you EnglishRose! I agree with everything you said!

    Part of the problem in this situation is the “reality” aspect. None of the cast…”ADULTS” have matured since the onset of VPR. If anything? Back pedaled. They make a good solid income for their area yet none have bought a home/condo, guessing banked very little for the future…Tom Tom had to negotiate down their investment when they should have been amply prepared. They live in a bubble so to speak and Hollywood too…not the “real world” for most folks…

    Reply
    • Kipper says

      March 21, 2018 at 11:43 pm

      Sorry, meant to add. Most people their age are trying to further their education, find ways to pay off student loans, working and working and working!

      Reply

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