It’s midnight, and I’m exhausted so I’ll just remind the new people that they are going to need to clutch their pearls now if typos, or more commonly, using a weird homophone in place of the word I mean, or leaving off the end of words entirely bothers you. My old brain is atrophying at a record pace.
We start at the end with Teddi leaving a luncheon in tears after a whole lot of yelling and then roll back the lunch that Rinna and Erika had with Eileen five days earlier. Here is the thing. This was played, I believe on the legit Bravo website as sort of lost footage that would not be shown. The fact that they are showing it now indicates to me that they ended up having to take another scene out. I find that interesting. This scene is Eileen being shocked that Erika and Rinna are getting along with Dorit. Lisa says she and Dorit are both “cancers” as in the sign of the crab. And I cannot believe for one moment that Dorit is a cancer. I’m going to need to see a birth certificate. I’m a cancer and Rinna makes sense but Dorit not so much. Then again, this scene was likely put in to foreshadow the end of Erika and Rinna’s friendship with Dorit. All though no signs are currently pointing to that.
Kyle makes falafel for Mauricio and shows him some catalogs for chandeliers and things she wants for the house. Why oh why do we not get to see the catalogs? They are all blurred out! She also wants to go look at one of his listings because she wants to see the floors to see if that is what she wants in her house. And this is how it came to be that she ends up buying the house. The thing is she is moving away from construction and into even more construction.
Rinna and Teddi go to the nail salon. I don’t understand why Rinna is with Teddi if she is such BFFs with Dorit now. Rinna says that the first person she saw when she came back from NYC was Dorit. They went to dinner because it was on the call sheet. What was not on the call sheet was the whole being nice to her and having fun part, Rinna. Sigh. Also, Dorit has taken over the role of the person who gives uncomfortable hugs from Eden. She has no physical boundaries with these women and almost went in for a kiss on Rinna’s famous lips. No. Just Noe. Rinna explains to Teddi that she didn’t get along last season with Dorit but they have put things behind them. Teddi says she has a problem when one person thinks things are going one way and the other person is up to something else. Then Teddi says, “I’m uncomfortable having this conversation with you right now.” That is first year housewife speak for, “Production is making me tell you this.” Basically, Teddi tells her that they don’t trust that she is wanting to move on and that Dorit continues to trash talk her.
Erika is doing a photo shoot. Shocking, right. She reminds us that it is expensive to be her. Now she is doing the shoot for the cover of her book. I may just be tired, but I might be getting tired of Erika.
I can’t with these fake Peakaaay scenes with Dorit and their fake businesses and the conversations about how successful they are. Basically, Peakay and some other guy explain Dorit’s swimsuit line to her.
LVP takes Teddi to PUMP for the first time. She orders her own rosé because she hopes that will sell a few bottles forcing Teddi to order the same. Let’s see if Teddi drinks it.
In dueling scenes, we have Dorit at Erika’s drinking champagne. Dorit tells Erika about the name change of “her” swimwear collection which she hates. But she gives Erika the same ridiculous story about it that Peekay gave her. The delusion and lies are strong in this one. Then Dorit goes on to talk about LVP and Teddi and how close they are. Erika rolls her eyes and says “Why, because they ride horse together?” Well, Erika, that would be a better reason for LVP to be friends with someone than any of the other new housewives she has tried to corral. Dorit says LVP calls her Teddi bear. OH THE HORROR! Erika mocks her for being so needy of LVP’s attention.
Back at PUMP Teddi Bear still has a full glass of Vanderpump Rosé as she tells LVP she needs to have a one on one conversation with Dorit. Teddi doesn’t like having serious conversations with people with an audience.
Dorit tells Erika that she has “moved passed it” with LVP. First of all, “moved past it” should be the drinking phrase of the night. Secondly, one does not move past something unless one is the offended party. Dorit is doing all the things that OTHER PEOPLE decide to move past. As Erika points out, LVP will continue to punish her for it. Dorit tells Erika that as far as Teddi is concerned, she told her that conversations with her keep going around and around and around. She says she is shocked by that because that is how she feels about talking to Teddi. It’s because you start the same conversations with her you nitwit! Erika says that Dorit has issues with everyone except for her and Lisa Rinna.
Dear Kyle, thank you for being fabulous and taking your gorgeous, filthy rich husband to look at an amazing fancypants estate and bringing the cameras along. This is what this show is supposed to be about. Also, thank you for not having any bitch sessions this episode and filming with your family instead. Being a producer does have its perks.
The old Smokey Robinson estate is gorgeous. I wonder if I could Kato Kaelin in that luxurious two bedroom guest house in the back yard. I am very quiet. You will never see me, and I will like in court if you murder someone and slip through the back gate. Especially if it is Dorit. But even if it’s Brandi. I’m ride or die. Thank you for your consideration.
The Afternoon Drinks From Hell
Teddi wants to drive Dorit to drinks so she can speak to her one on one before the full cast brawl. Dorit agrees but mocks her after she hangs up.
Rinna, Erika, Kyle and LVP arrive first but not together. Before LVP even greets everyone Kyle blurts out to LVP, “Do you want to be jealous?” Oh Kyle, this is not how it is done. Let the elderly woman with the unfortunate black jumpsuit with the cutout black lace sleeves and visible zipper and thick red glossy vinyl belt take a load off and order a drink first. Then just casually mention that you are ever so tired of the noise at your house that you simply decided to purchase the Smokey Robinson estate in the valley. It was the jackhammers that did it. You simply could not abide the noise. Oh it was just about Kyle’s new red boots. The chyron let’s us know they are $850. There are hairdressers on MAFS with Loubs these days. Why are you low balling her? Ah, nicely played. Now she drops the other boot so to speak and say she bought the house. This chyron tells us that the sales price was $8,253,000.
Teddi and Dorit have the same driver. Teddi overuses the phrase “long and short of it.” On this show there is no short of it. When Dorit asks what she wants to say, Teddi says, “Long and short of it, I don’t want to make a bigger deal out of it than it is…” And we go to commercial.
Then after the commercial we see Camille show up and Dorit coming into the restaurant and I rewind thinking I missed the conversation. But they didn’t show it. Dayum you, production! Kyle has to leave early because she has very expensive tickets to take Portia to Hamilton. See? Kyle is the housewife I want to watch. Before Kyle bails, Rinna invites everyone to lunch with her mother who is coming into town this week. Kyle dips.
Camille asks Dorit if she is okay with the gag. Dorit shrugs. Camille says “Okay good.” LOL. I love Camille. The Dorit says, ” I thought we were over that, it’s just that when things come out months later, as we discovered today…” Dorit glares at Teddi. Rinna says why don’t you fill everyone in to Dorit. Dorit tells Teddi to fill everyone in. Teddi says she didn’t want to discuss it with the group which is why she talked to her about it in the car. If Dorit wants to bring everyone in, then she can. Teddi tells us in a talking head that she wanted to protect Rinna by not repeating the story over and over and over again.
Flashback to the car scene which is taking place as the van is desperately trying to get into the flow of traffic on the one way street where Dorit is living. It’s a logistical nightmare. Basically, Teddi says that she was with Rinna and she was saying how she believes that Dorit has put their issues in the past and they are moving on when Teddi knows that she trashed Rinna at every turn. Of course Dorit in her fakest of accents (I do think the accent is much worse when she is lying) goes in on Teddi for starting shit about her with friends that she has had issues with in the past.
So at drinks, Dorit says that Teddi tries to pretend she is not shit stirring when she is the cause of everything. OH MY GOD. This woman is diabolical and such a blame shifter. Rinna tells Teddi that it is very odd that she waited so long to say anything to her. That’s called NOT BEING A SHIT STIRRER, RINNA. Teddi says she has not talked to Rinna until the nail salon and didn’t know that she thought Dorit was over their differences until then. Dorit then turns to LVP and says about Teddi, “This is your friend.” Really? This women is delusional. Teddi says that Dorit said Rinna is all about “rage and regret.” Dorit stops her and says, “Teddi, let me help you with your issues.” Woo boy.
LVP tells Dorit that Teddi simply wanted to clear the air. Dorit says to LVP, “I can’t wait until it’s on you!”
Thank God for Camille for sticking up for Teddi and saying that she actually did think what Dorit said would have hurt LVPs feelings. On that same night, Erika said the exact same thing. But when Teddi mentions that, suddenly Erika has amnesia. When Teddi points that out, Erika starts pushing back on her in rapid fire conversation. Either Erika is drunk or doing coke in Dorit’s bathroom because she is not herself. Tom was still recovering from an accident at this point and it was a very stressful time in Erika’s life. Teddy just nods and says okay. Everyone at the table looks terrified. LVP tells Erika to calm down.
Erika is pissed that Teddi is trying to make it look like she changed her story because she doesn’t have the balls to say it. Well Erika, in your version you were black out drunk. But even if you don’t remember saying that someone is in the right or in the wrong about a situation when you are out with girlfriends, you know what your really believed about the situation when you were sober. So yes, Erika. You are the bad guy here. And Teddi even apologized for offending you because you look like you are going to put the beat down on your enemies in I-Pod in your granny panties. It’s not cute. LVP says it’s time to go.
Camille gives Teddi a hug and says “You’re at stage one, be true to yourself. Remember that.” That right there was rookie housewife advice. Thanks Camille. We all wanted to give Teddi a hug then. Teddi gives LVP a goodnight double kiss and tries to head for the door but Dorit is guarding LVP and grabs on to Teddi’s arm. She is crying. Dorit won’t let go. She’s literally marching her out. Dorit tells her “the thing is, I’m the one that’s upset with you! You’re not allowed to be upset! ” Oh the delusion! LVP chases after Teddi who is doing the micophone removal and trying to walk down the street alone. Because I guarandamntee you she is not getting into a van with Dorit.
Erika gives a cunty talking head. Shut up Erika. I’m over you and your stupid explanations about how life works. As if you have any fucking idea.
LVP gets into a van with Teddi and says she has seen Erika like this before in Hong Kong with Eileen. She says she really does think that Erika doesn’t remember saying what she said in NYC. Teddi says that’s fine, but if you don’t remember, why are you so upset with me?
I don’t think Erika was unforgivably bad tonight. I forgave her for Eileen for fucksake. What is unforgivable is her talking heads. I hope that the casting call for RHOBH is for Erika at this point. She doesn’t need the money and it happened right after everyone went off on her last week about the previews for this week. I don’t think she could handle being hated. And it may just be too late for that. Puppy kicking is not cute.
Next week: Rinna’s mom comes to town and all the ladies get together. Kyle has a seance party.