I thought this season of Vanderpump Rules was going to be all about The Hair. It’s not. It’s all about vaginas. I have one of those. I don’t make a big production of it. At least tonight we’re treated to a new -gate: Is Jeremy creepy? Or is Stassi a lying liarface? The answer is clearly both, but it’ll be nice to get some new material. And we’ll finally meet the man still riding George Michael’s coattails. So lay back and relax. DJ James Kennedy is going to play us out of here.
James Kennedy likes to blame his ugly behavior on his parent’s divorce. Though his entitled air precedes the separation, his parents must have had some influence. We know his mother. She’s an enabling momager (and a pickpocket). Now there’s the former yin to her yang. James thinks he’s living in the shadow of the great Andros Georgiou. The man, the myth, the legend. James has to be successful in music. Has to date the prettiest girl. Has to drink like a man. Everything he does is evaluated, It’s a lot of pressure. James plows ahead, deftly volleying Raquel’s truth bombs, and puts on a show for his old man. It has a lot of plot holes.
Brittany is one of the saddest characters on Bravo TV. She knows who Jax is. At this point, her blind devotion (and lack of birth control) in the face of reality is a choice. So, naturally, Brittany throws Jax a 38th birthday party at Hooters. Sad. Scheana tries to bring the fireworks by confronting Jax about blah blah blah Rob blah blah snore. The Toms think they’re clever when they get Jax (and themselves) male rompers. I expect better than ersatz UPS outfits from a Tom Sandoval production.
Billie films with the Witches of WeHo because no one else will. What is meant as a promo for Kristen’s vegan blog actually lays the groundwork for World War 27. In a quest for camera time, Ariana’s brother Jeremy (that they keep trying a thing) has asked Billie out. Stassi and Kristen warn her off with tales of his creepy advances. Their awkward JKs don’t erase the #metoo stain.
Brittany and Scheana day drinking is sad X delusion.
Schwartz wears sandals to the Tom Tom construction site. Sandoval wears contrition. He knows his actions in Vegas were over the line. Lisa reassigns him to cocktail duty. He’ll make something amazing. The best drink ever. With dry ice. Ken can’t contain his eye roll.
It’s time for Billie to carry the creepy bone. Lala is infuriated that Stassi is up to her old tricks. She is contractually obligated to like her for a few more episodes. How is this going to affect her image rehab? Or her music showcase? Priorities, people! Priorities!
Like his sister before him, Jeremy is a feminist. That’s why he’s dating Billie. That and the cameras.
The creepy rumor has made its way to Ariana. She and Lala head into girl’s night strapped for bear. After getting vaginal hair removal (because, Bravo), it’s game on. The WoWeHo are relentless. He’s creepy. Predatory. Everyone says so. And Ariana supporting him is anti-woman. Ariana bails. She’s simply too old for this shit.
Sandoval thinks he’s man enough to take on the WoWeHo. No one sullies Jeremy’s name while Tom is around. He’s woefully underqualified. They whine. They smirk. They accuse. They cajole. They insult his shitty trumpet solo at the Bubba nuptials. It’s a wrap. Tom Sandoval has left the building, in defeat.
Brittany finally tells her Dad that Jax cheated, Sad. Jax is mad she’s airing their dirty laundry. Sad sad.
Lala, Billie and Scheana tempt Brittany with a cute bartender. It doesn’t work. Scheana makes a personal plea that she leave Jax. It doesn’t work. The trio make their case in the Creepy war. She just has to be on their side. Now, that actually works. For the evening, anyway. Brittany’s opinions are as fluid as her morals.
Next week: The gang heads to Mexico. Everyone but Brittany fights her battle. Jax threatens to leave. No one but Brittany cares.