UnReal: Clarity

We’re back with Quinn screwing manbun. Manbun says she must pick a guy every season for this and she seems irked by that and denies it. The next morning Rachel catches Quinn with some Urinary Tract Infection (UTI)* meds and cranberry juice and asks her who the lucky guy is. Quinn changes the subject by telling Rachel she gave Serena to Madison to produce since Serena is all about Chet’s anti-feminism dating technique now. She makes another crack about Rachel “essential honesty” lifestyle choice.

Serena sees tabloids where she is being called America’s Sweetheart. She’s over Chet’s plan and eventually refuses to complete a damsel in distress group date causing Quinn to go looking for Rachel to tell her she needs to produce Serena again.

Despite having no idea why Serena signed up for this particular sort of dog and pony and pony and pony show exactly other than the sheer desperation of “never being chosen” much like Ashley I (who by the way is no longer with her Canookian soulmate from Bachelor Winter Games due to geographical undesirability, this week we are going to delve into the dark souls and broken spirits of the suitors. Oddly, this comes about because Chet’s new flavor of the month, Crystal, is working with Rachel to keep Chet focused on a more feminist view of Serena. 

Chet is going to interview the guys about their feeling on feminism because come hell or high water that is what Raquel wants this season of Everlasting (and UnREAL) to focus on. They start with a lay-up, Owen. He’s the knight in shining armor good guy and the Iragi War veteran who kissed Serena when she had the sads on a previous episode.

Chet asks Owen if he considers himself a feminist. He’s visibly disgusted by the question and says no. With a bit more prodding we find out that his wife began calling herself a feminist while he was in Iraq. When he finished his tour and came home, she left him and his baby girl saying she was done being a mom and ran off with his best friend. Owen says ‘feminist’ is just another word for…it feels like he is about to say bitch, but he stops himself. Raquel’s murderous ex, Jeremy is filming and he says, “selfish bitch.”

Next we find out Alexi, the Russian guy is gay, or at the bare minimum “fluid” as the kids say these days when he flirts with his producer Jay.

Meanwhile, Quinn has tracked down Rachel and Chet and their subversive filming with the suitors about their feelings on feminism. Just as Quinn starts to get the lay of the land, Manbun  arrives still wearing both his manbun and his knight in shining armor get up from the failed damsel in distress group date to announce in front of Quinn that he heard they were shooting interviews with feminists and he wants to sign up. He says hello to Quinn and she goes off on him for having the audacity to speak to her without being spoken to. Is Rachel figuring out that Quinn did manbun? Ah, maybe so. Because she goes straight to Serena to set her up with manbun (whose name is August if you care). Is she trying to get a rise out of Quinn. Yes! Yes she is! She sits with Quinn to watch the tape as the date is happening. Quinn still has no relief from her UTI and is gulping cranberry juice and Azostandard while watching the person who caused the discomfort woo another woman. I find this hysterical in a miserable way.

The guys who are not on the date are crammed into a hot tub that is not meant to hold that many straight guys, yet they all manage to throw their dicks around. Jasper, the British idiot, announces he has a $400,000 bet that he’ll be the first to have sex with Serena. Too late dude, the tiny jockey banged her on the first episode and left on the second.

Back in the control room, Rachel catches on that Manbun is sending signals to her on the video. He’s talking directly into the camera about seeing something he wants and taking it. Rachel confronts Quinn saying, “He’s your UTI guy!” Quinn just walks away with her cranberry juice. She probably has to pee again. Rachel goes after her and tells her she is worried about her behavior, the drinking, the having sex with contestants… pretty much everything Rachel did for the past two seasons. It’s almost a role reversal; but, Quinn is quick to cut her down to size and throws out the two dead people from last season as yet another reason Rachel has no room to talk.  Rachel cries and goes to her truck to clutch her Essential Honesty book.

When Rachel gets called back to set, Madison tries to convince her that Quinn need to go to rehab. Madison seems to think she could take over for her.

Then Rachel lies to Serena about Manbun being into her. And there goes essential honesty. So as long as she’s broken the seal, she fires the bartender and accuses him of stealing booze and blaming it on Quinn. The she talks to all guys in the hot tub lying to all of them to keep them from telling Serena about Jasper. She also convinces Jasper to stay. The old Rachel is back!

Madison tells Rachel that she can’t fire the bartender because his kid has cancer and his insurance will lapse. Will this shake Rachel out of her lying streak?

The shrink/undercover cop finds Rachel in an office in the dark freaking out. He asks he what’s going and she tells him she can’t stop lying. She tells him her lying is responsible for every bad thing that has happened on the show. He tells her that everything she says to him is totally confidential.  And just like that she confesses to the car accident last year. She says that Jeremy ran them off the road to save her. She says she freaked out when she heard about it, but it was really nice to have that power. Oh Rachel. WTF is wrong with you? It’s only episode THREE! We need the hot undercover guy! YOU SWORE A BLOOD OATH! I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! Okay not really, we just needed you to keep your mouth shut. DAYUM!

Then she gets called to the elimination ceremony. This week’s rose is an army knife. Do we really need to arm the guys? Serena makes a big deal out of choosing manbun first. Rachel told the guys during her lying spree that Serena’s date with manbun was a disaster. With the final knife in Serena’s hand there is Jasper and some randoms left. Jasper freaks out and starts to come clean with her but Serena stops him and apologizes to him for her behavior. Owen tries to interrupt and snitch on Jasper. Jasper and Serena make up and he gets the final knife.

Alexi is drunk at the bar and kisses Jay against his will before waltzing off to bed with a bottle of vodka. There was an interesting line here where Alexi said he had a therapist and Jay shot back, “I bet you use the same therapy store we do.” I’m telling you this therapist is a cop. Jeremy hits on the new camera girl.  Jay pitches his Dance Around The World project to Quinn with Alexi as the host. She likes this plan because Alexi has millions of social media followers. She agrees to the show.  Then manbun sneaks in to screw Quinn. She is not having it anymore.  She throws him out and gets back to peeing painfully in the toilet. Clearly, she did not take AzoStandard. #Amateur

The shrink/undercover guy catches up Rachel and wants to know where all the darkness comes from. Rachel can’t face the answer and goes off to her truck where she pulls up a mystery man on her computer. He’s the source of her darkness. But who is he? And how did he take her power? Is he a rapist? This is a feministy #MeToo season…

One of the knives is seen clipping off the man bun as is sticks out of the hammock under cover of darkness. I suspect it was Owen but we were not shown.  Next week is all about solving The Mystery of The Man Bun.

*See when some doesn’t want to write out a long phrase like urinary tract infection over and over, one puts the abbreviation in parenthesis. Then for the entire rest of the post one simply writes UTI. It isn’t some mystery clue about Uncle Tom Incorporated. It’s a simple writing too well known to anyone with a grade level higher than ten. Or at least that was the case when people learned shit in school. You might want to apply this new information to other posts on this site.