I owe Tamara Tattles a huge “Thank You” for taking over the Vanderpump Rules recaps while I was on vacation. It was nice to get a little break from the radiator. But I’m home now and I’m here to claim what’s mine. Vegas trip? Mine. Showing up late (and drunk) to a Lisa Vanderpump meeting? Mine. All of the shallowness. The hubris. Each and every time Scheana mentions Rob. Mine, mine, mine. I glory in all that is Vanderpump Rules.
Tonight, the gang transitions from lake life to the newly renovated bordello known as Sexy Unique Restaurant restaurant. Lisa and Sandoval introduce us to the A storyline: Vegas. It’s all business. Up early in the morning, greasing the wheels and making that cheddar. Nothing lays the groundwork for successful business travel like bringing Jax Taylor along. Too bad I’m not a psychic and can’t see how this is going to play out.
This season, Lala is a singer. She can deny it all she wants but she clearly has boyfriend money to throw around. The studio is crowded with paid friends, all black. Because, Gangster Bunny. I’m sure she’ll be a hit, considering most of her studio time was spent listening to Scheana wax delusional about her relationship.
Tensions simmer as the Toms (party of 6) head off to Vegas. Sandoval is excited to be going on his first big boy trip. Schwartz is resigned to his fate. He doesn’t want to screw things up but it’s inevitable. And Jax is ready to drink. Even if it means he and Brittany have to mingle with the normies while the rest live in Vanderpump luxury. Maybe next time Jax won’t bite the hand that feeds him.
Katie is already wasted when Brittany shows up with a pregnancy test. No one is prepared for Jax to be a father. No. One. But ha ha, it’s all a joke. Stupid.
Lala hires Stassi to plan her music showcase. Fake job + fake job. Very LA. The biggest order of business: keep James Kennedy stone sober. Stassi looks scared. At a SYNT photoshoot, Lala lays down the law. James can’t understand why Lala thinks he’ll cause a scene. (1) (2) (3) (4) (5)
After a night of debauchery, the Toms (party of 2) play business. Meaning, they hold Lisa’s purse while shops for the bar. As soon as they’re free, Schwartz pulls warm jello shots out of his pocket. Professional. Based on the success of their first day of work, the boys hit the clubs with no restrictions. It’s a bacchanal. Utter destruction. By three am, they’re still clinging to the belief that they’ll make their morning business meeting. The big one. The supposed reason they’re in Vegas in the first place. Since it’s just an ad for Caesar’s Palace, it’s not the end of the world that they show up late. And drunk. In other words, on script. During the ad for Lisa’s fixture guy (LVP is making the most of her camera time), Sandoval doesn’t shut his mouth. When Schwartz is emboldened enough to join in, Lisa snaps at them like they’re naughty children. Once again, the boys are in the Tom Tom doghouse.
Next week: The boys wear rompers. The girls drink and get laser hair removal on their down theres. When Ariana’s brother Jeremy asks Billie out, Stassi calls him creepy. That becomes a whole thing. And James Kennedy’s Dad (George Michael’s cousin, dontcha know) makes his Vanderpump Rules debut.
“I pull out every time” is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard on TV!!!!
75% of the time, he corrected himself lol
I’m sorry, Brittany is sweet but dumb as a box of hair for 1) staying with Jax after his verbal abuse, cheating, and chronic inability to be honest and 2) NOT USING ANY TYPE OF PROTECTION against pregnancy and STD’s considering her “man” sleeps around, unprotected, with other women.
Are you fucking brain dead? She must be 100% trying to get knocked up, which would make her crazy and stupid for reason #3, who the hell has a baby with a monster like Jax? He thinks he’ll be a good dad? No, you need to be a good person/role model/partner before you can be a good dad.
If you’re a shitty person, you’re not going to be a good parent.
It’s so not even funny at this point to watch how stupid she is.
I have the impression that this is the world Brittany knows. Her parents are divorced, her sister isn’t with anyone, and it seems like Mom wants her to get a rich man more than a good man. In Kentucky she would have had 2 kids by now. Babies are expected. She’s sweet, but she lost me back at the boob job paid for by a guy who says, “If I’m paying for them, I’m going to get what I want.” She’s living the California dream.
True, it’s so beyond sad. The boobs are too damn big, too. I mean, if that’s what she wanted, fine, but to me they look too large on her. Especially when she wears tops that are falling off her. She’s a beautiful girl, it’s just not that flattering.
They look terrible and I fear they’ll look worse over time, especially after babies. She should have stuck with a nice size C. (I’m a B and I think C is the perfect size.- lol)
I don’t see a beautiful girl when I see Britnney. She’s cute but her boobs make her look chunky.
Brittany’s mom has been married and divorced four times.
Her sister became a mother when she was a teenager with some random boy. Probably not even sure who is the baby daddy.
Yes there is not much standards to live up to and Brittany walking around with her titties on display all day every day does not scream classy either.
Totally agree…
Why do they think pulling out is a form of birth control. I won’t go into details.
A few shows have actually said that they use that for birth control.
It’s one of the top stupid things said (and there are a lot), but come on, go back to sixth grade and pay attention. I can’t believe I hear it every time I hear it. IQ’s are going down, down, down lol.???
Awesome recap, Lady C, from the title all the way through! Love the 1-5 links!
I miss the days when it didn’t seem scripted, or we didn’t talk about it being scripted. It’s not as much fun to post what were they thinking??? when we think it’s all planned out. However Scheana’s delusions seem all her own. Oh, this is awesome… I just looked up the word delusion to make sure it had the nuances I meant and it is just perfect: an idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument, typically a symptom of mental disorder. ….. Yup, that is her to a T.
About the Tom’s — In real life do people in their mid-30’s have this kind of commitment to partying? It’s not like it’s their one and only trip to Vegas. I’m torn on this one between scripted and this is exactly who these idiots are and this is why they were cast. I sure do love these idiots. 🙂
Most of the episode seemed to consist of one obvious set up after another. Even though we have a really important business meeting with, “our partners..” lets bring the gang to Vegas! What’s the worse that could happen? Who would have thunk that they would ignore all their resolutions and drink and gamble, then show up for the meeting hung over and reeking of alcohol? I NEVER saw that coming!
I’ve gotta say, I’m fascinated watching/listening to Scheana. I’m venturing out into the dating world after 20 yrs. She’s a primer on what NOT to do to keep a partner.
P.S. Does anyone else get tired of LaLa called her boyfriend, “MY MAN”. I want to smack her on the head every time she says it. What 23 year old says My man? Oy.
I think Lala does that because her man doesn’t want his name mentioned on the show.
I like that she does.
If she didn’t, she’d be insulted for name dropping. ?
Its easy to think youll do the whole single dating and relationship thing better. I no longer feel fit to judge anyone. I thought that too, when I was single for a year or two, and instead I made every mistake possible. Its way harder than it looks. I ended up for awhile, an emotional, delusional hot mess. The truth is theres a ton of trickery out there, and alot of people who are in no shape to have a relationship, but they dont tell you that.
So you’re way ahead of me! I wish I could pick your brain for tips. ALL my friends are married. I agree that it’s hard out there. There was no internet dating when I was in the dating world. I’m 54 and in recovery 25 years so I don’t drink and I’m gun shy after my ex-husband broke my heart. I wonder if men will think i’m boring because I don’t drink and I’m worried all they want is younger women. However these are things I can’t control so I’m trying to think positively. I can only be me and the rest is up to the universe.
I don’t necessary think I would do it better than Lala but I hope being 30 years older I might do it differently as I’ve had more life experience and a lot of hard won wisdom. But who knows? Everything has a learning curve. I just had my first date in almost 20 years on Saturday. It was a blind group date. The guy was 15 years old than me, very quiet and dressed in a suit. I was in jeans, blazer and boots and I’m pretty loquacious. I figured it was practice and I’m just proud I got there!
Good luck to you!
??? Awesome recap. Best line of this blog has a spot all its own below: (Thank you SO MUCH(
James can’t understand why Lala thinks he’ll cause a scene. (1) (2) (3) (4) (5)
Omg yes! Thanks for refreshing my memory. That was hilarious.
yup that line made me LOL!
The Tom Tom doghouse! Classic.
The Toms are astoundingly stupid. And incredibly immature and childish. And Katie and Ariana are just as much to blame. To insist on tagging along on a business trip — the first scheduled as part of a new partnership — was unbelievably selfish. And to drink to such excess, as if a birthday cannot be celebrated otherwise, is idiotic. I can’t think of enough superlatives to express my disgust at these people. LVP must be doing this solely for a plot line, and to get discounts on decorating the restaurant.
The whole Jax “pulling out” segment made me throw up in my mouth. (Agree re Brit’s boobs — saggy exposed breasts are not an attractive look.)
Lala and Scheana are a joke — singers they are not. And do they really think they are fooling anyone with their whole “man” nonsense?
I am trying to find any redeeming qualities in this cast, yet I am compelling to watch every week. What does that say about me?
Agreed! Who in their right mind would even consider messing up the first business trip after the first fiasco when Sandoval almost blew it???
On #WWHL last night, Scheana FINALLY admitted that she was, in fact, single!
I have come to the point where I know they do what they are told to do, none of it is necessarily what they would do. So the scripts make for mindless, mildly entertaining time spent watching people.
If I can keep it at this level, and neither judge nor believe their actions reflect who they are as individuals,great. The challenge is to discern the people from their actions- and each season that becomes harder, probably as planned. They certainly act as if they are 15 years more immature, with neither intelligence, direction or focus in their lives, bringing Jax and the girls, drinking to miss the meeting,etc- all production driven, I suspect. When does production let them grow up? Or is it that they never will as individuals, a la Jax?
Season 1 of NY is showing this morning on Bravo reruns and it is so fun to see the original group, how fresh and sharing they were, and to be aware of how much they have changed as people, and the show has I the 10 years since this started… but they have matured and grown- or most have. NY evolved because t he women did. Parts were scripted, but it was driven by them ,their lives, and personalities. Don’t think we can say that about VPR- except to say some like Jax simply have not grown at all.
I totally agree about the whole birthday thing. Ariana whining about not spending his birthday with him and the manipulative…”you’re the one that said you wanted to spend your birthday with me”. Seriously?? How OLD are you people?? I could understand if she was five and he was her Dad missing her b-day for a business trip. Other than that…grow the F up!
So……there still trying to make ariana’s brother jeremy a thing? (sigh?) i thought they gave up when ” la la?” rejected him last season but i digress Also do we need to see more pussy and ass crack waxing on bravo t.v. i mean spring isnt even here yet Damnit!.
Welcome back and thanks for the recap.
While I was watching, I felt a bit of my kiss of death to stop watching a show….PREDICTABILITY.
.
I guess Ariana got over her vagina problems. That was so laughable she is making that a storyline. Her brother is creepy and his hair was disgusting dirty. Be afraid to get lice from that jerk.
Pretty sad when Jax is the voice of reason on telling Schwartz not to gulp out of that bottle of liquor.
Brittany is a skank.
I think Jax is thinking that the Tom’s may be his future employers. He doesn’t seem to have much else happening. (well the show of course)
Welcome Back!!!! It seems like LVP is spending more and more time on camera at VPR. I swear I see more of her here then at RHBH.
This show is just a boatload of crazy town and that’s why I love it. It just takes you to another place in this crazy world.
So glad you are capping again!
Anyone else think Jaffa might be a more accurate nickname than Jax? He has a lot of unprotected sex and no baby Jaxes (Jaxi?) that we know of. I know there was the whole pregnancy/termination storyline, but even if true there’s no proof the spawn belonged to him… Now how he copes with that kind of diagnosis, the emotional fall out, perceived impact to his masculinity, and how it affects his relationship with Brittany is a storyline that might actually be interesting.
Yeah, I chortled when I saw Ariana splayed out like a plucked chicken. Tell us again about your body issues, Skanky McSkankerson.
I really enjoyed Ariana’s screen presence previous seasons. The whole “men are not my universe, I’m too hip to worry about anything with this piece of useless flesh surrounding the peen that I on occasion when I deem it enjoy.
She has literally morphed into everything all previous seasons she put down. The whining cuz the weirdo greasy 45 yr old wants to hang with the guys. The “my vadge is my entire being and it’s broken.” I’ve got no one left to root for except Peter and Guillermo. I swear to a higher power I legit would die mortified if my behavior was akin to the shows cast and I was over 25. Very very few if any of the cast are even in their 20’s.
I’m deciding on dropping my $300 monthly
bill to go hipster and stream only. But I need ray Donovan…I need GoT. I need to enjoy s large capacity glass of cab sauv. and come here and read all the other snark. FML ?
I wasn’t watching intensely, but what or why is Brittany a skank, or her outfit was I thought appropriate for going out here in Vegas, especially if you are here to celebrate and dress up.
I feel like I missed something. Just noticed comments and curious.
Thanks.
Where do I start…
1. She’s with Jax after he admitted to cheating on her.
2. She wants to have a baby with Jax
3. She wants to have a baby with Jax without a wedding ring
4. She has sex with Jax
5. She got gigantic boobs because Jax wanted them.
6. She has NO self esteem to be with a person like Jax OR she doesn’t care who she’s with as long as she’s married and knocked up but not in that order.
Guess ignorant, or determined, even desperate, more so than skank, comes to mind for me.
But thanks for your thoughts, appreciate. ?
Early on, I used to like Sandoval. I thought he had a good heart and some human decency, even though he was into that LA preening. But now I like him less and less.
I just can’t believe how shallow and immature they all are. Don’t go out and get wasted drunk the night before an important business meeting! In fact, don’t get that drunk ever! These people are all no narcissistic–I guess that is why their birthdays are always such a big deal to them.
Jax repulses me.
Dead on. And please divulge me this – Has there EVER been a season that there is not an episode when Stassi says “it’s MY birthday” – not in a “oh yay, it’s my birthday!!” way but in a “by God, everyone better bow down because IT’S MY BIRTHDAY” way????