We are live with the biggest douchebag in America on After the final rose! It was the breakup that shocked AMERICA! And I just have to watch. Excuse me for blowing off RHOA but y’all THIS IS IMPORTANT! Will Lauren take Arie back? It’s the most dramatic episode ever.
I really should have eaten today. We start with Arie saying “I choose you every day…” I want him to die in a fire. He literally tells Becca that the more he hangs out with her, the more he wishes he had chosen Lauren. DIE. IN. A. FIRE. She literally said in her talking head IN THE SAME SHIRT HE DUMPED HER IN, “he makes my heart happy.” I hate men. Okay just the straight ones. The gay ones are nice.
DID THEY SERIOUSLY SEND HER HOME IN A MIDDLE SEAT IN COACH? What the fuck is wrong with this production team. Has she not been tortured enough? Oh good God he is going to ask Jason Mesnick about this situation? The other asshole that changed his mind? Really?
Okay y’all. Lauren really lives in a house with a white picket fence. Dead. And it’s a fancy pants house. Okay, I’m poor so everything looks fancy pants to me. But still. Someone in my comments suggested he got Lauren to say yes before he dumped Becca. So even a bigger douche.
Meanwhile, Lauren in Minneapolis is shlepping her bag up snow covered stairs. Crying. I also heard that everyone was sending her money for wine. If you have money to send people you see on TV wine, I do have a paypal. I’m just saying stop being ridiculous. Becca was so in love with douchebag who fucked the final three and told them all he loved them. Sadly, Becca is contractually obligated to be there for the finale and the next two shows. 
Becca points out that Arie even said that Lauren could not carry on a conversation. AGAIN PLEASE SEE VULTURE STORY. She literally didn’t speak a thousand words all season. In searching for the link, I found this on Vulture. Sixteen billboards shaming Arie. Also don’t click on any of those links because Vulture writers are who I want to be when I grow up and you will never come back to me. SO. MUCH.BETTER.THAN.ME. Anyway, Douchebag is back at the door, and Banjo is done throwing up on my brand new area rug (I just know that this never happens to Vulture writers) and I need to get us back on track.
So douchebag is all OMG I just want to tell Lauren how much he loves her. It’s been a month and a half and she greets him with a huge hug. My commenter says he called her in advance to be sure she would take him back if he left Becca. But she is a moron and she will take him back. He says he picked Becca because he knew she would say yes. He admits that he called her before dumping Becca. This is such a horrible scene. What’s next? Is he going to pull out the Neil Lane ring? She’s already asking for it.
I love Becca with the short hair. She says that Arie just says whatever the person in front of him wants to hear. Becca with the short hair says it was cruel to break up with the other Becca on camera. OHHHHHHHHHH Sienne just confirmed what my commenter said. He knew that Lauren would take him back before he dumped Becca on live TV. Tia says she was actually with Lauren when Arie called her on NYE whe he was with Lauren. So this all went down way before he told Becca. What a douchebag. On the other hand, I suppose if he felt like he made the wrong choice… I could forgive that. But that proposal… see I hate straight men.
Becca with the short hair says she hopes they break up. She also said that she understands why Lauren would take him back, She’s only seen the good side of him.
Becca says she knew about Lauren, but they were looking at houses together. He thought he was just reaching out for closure. Lauren says she is fine. Chris tells her about the billboards and wine funds. She says she is donating the money to Stand Up For Cancer. Chris says they will match it. So that is good, right? If anyone wants to start me a wine fund, I will use it for wine. I need to order some more champagne from wine.com.
After the break, douchebag comes back to confront Becca. Douchebag says he knew when he talked to Lauren on NYE. Jesus. Becca sounds like she is begging. Becca seems like she is broken. Arie regrets proposing. He blames it on the show. They expected a proposal and he went with it. Becca says he robbed he of a real proposal. She doesn’t understand why he kept reassuring her that it was the right decision with her. She wants him to be happy with Becca.
I hope so much I can DVR Roseanne.
Jason Mesnick is back. He did the same thing. He says just get out of a big city and go back to your lives. Social media is horrible. Jason says Arie is not a douchebag and he is a good guy. I have to say, that Arie proposing to the wrong woman makes him changing his mind seem real.
Arie says he did not watch last night. Social media is brutal. He says he did this to find his fairytale ending. They are leaving the country until this is all over. They love each other. He proposes to Lauren. She says yes.
I guess I prematurely ejaculated,,The next bachelorette is..BECCA.oh for fuck sake
Not to get off topic but no rhobh recap? I always look forward to your recaps after the housewives.
My thoughts exactly! So sick of this recycled nonsense!!
Great recap! So douchebag can film breaking it off with Becca but can’t muster the courage actually watch it? What a loser.
Great point!
What did you switch to if you weren’t watching the last 15 minutes of the show? They did something (for once) completely unexpected: the stagehands whipped off the couches and candles and set up a mock Bachelor Mansion and brought on 4 or 5 of the new guys. I thought the banjo player was cute. I rarely watch the Bachelorette but I may just tune in for this one.
They did that last season. I got REALLY drunk during this recap. I swear I didn’t drink that much wine at all! And I was the drunkest I’ve been in ages.
As for the bringing on the new bachelors they did that on the last season of The Bachelorette. I liked the banjo guy too.
There was a bunch of talk about Arie not considering Becca’s feelings through this process and i agree but Arie’s disregard for Becca’s feelings paled in comparison to Lauren’s disregard in her narcissistic 2 minute speech. He skeeved me from the first episode and has only gone downhill.
Yes, he is skeevy!! The way he stares and paws. Oh! and those noises he makes while kissing!!! It sounds like num..numm eww slurp slurp! And he kisses anyone…. except that one girl who wanted a kiss and he said he wasn’t there yet and then sent her home. HAHA he is awful.
The noises!!! OMG I thought i would be the only one grossed out by that, i would have self-ejected day one just over that…so disgusting.
LOL great recap! The minute you bring up dying in a fire I know you are in your best form. You got the names screwed up a few times but that’s part of your charm.
Lauren is the most boring girl in the whole lot. She has no personality. I would have never imagined anyone would pick her.
How long do you give them? I saw they are done before Halloween.
4th of July… he doesn’t look good in jeans or a suit so odds are against shorts. And by then little slow lauren should realize she has to live in fear of him changing his mind about something and dumping her again at any time.
I can’t believe I am about to write this … but after a season of disliking Arie … I forgive him for being the worse Bachelor ever, besides Pablo. Breaking up with Becca to get engaged to Lauren shows that he was really really trying to find true love. I’ve read that there is a lot of pressure on everyone involved and he might have felt that he had to ask Becca to marry him. He does seem like a “people-pleaser”. Try to please all and you will please none comes to mind.
This might just help him become stronger and more honest with himself. I realize that is what I picked up on and disliked about him. He seemed to be going through the motions … robotic … doing what he thought he should. He always read as inauthentic to me. Yet, in the end he manned up.
I love that Darius just apologized for his gender. HA!!
#TeamArie #TeamLauren #TeamBecca
I couldn’t watch this season since they picked a Bachelor who looks like a dollar store version of Ross Geller.. minus any of the geeky charm Ross had.
Totally THIS ^^ ?
I read Vulture in addition to a couple of other sites. You are my first and always will be. Your readers will always be loyal. This site is more like a family. We arent leaving.
I was going to say about the same thing! I check you site before Vulture EVERY time! It is your charm, and vulture never wishes people die in a fire, no fun.
what’s Vulture?
Exactly!
Agree w/you Cathyrid! Tamara – no worries on your commenters reading Vulture. They do not compare to you. This is the first site I go to every morning.
Jason Mesnick didn’t as Molly to marry him for months after he broke up with his first choice. He just asked if she would give him a chance. And Molly would never have wanted an immediate proposal.
I think Chris Harrison and Lauren deserve their own scathing billboards.
Chris was enjoying last night’s miserably painful footage all too much.
I am watching The Voice for now, recording this Bachelor fiasco.
Tamara, the vultures are a good group, but you are a primary blogger for me.. ???
They somehow set Becca up for this break up to be filmed and aired. The douchebag agreed but only if dumbass lauren would agree to take him back before he pulled the trigger. Pussy. Lauren definitely needs a few billboards around wherever Arizona.
Ari e and Lauren were on Jimmy Kimmel.
No response to most questions as they claim they didn’t watch last night.
Her ring is a different one and she certainly would not have taken the one Becca had.
But she also claims not to have seen Becca’s ring.
Jimmy questioned the speed in their relationship. He said he understands the quick engagement so they could get a free ring, but they shouldn’t rush to get married.
Lauren says they are planning the wedfing.
Cannot live without the purple pen!
Arie is an ass, and Lauren is dumb.
I also read that he messaged short haired Becca, while all of this was going on. Such a loser.
Did the mother’s of these girls not teach them anything? Maybe they just didn’t have strong females in their lives? My little 5ft 1in Puerto Rican mother would have pulled me off that stage and beat me with her slipper if I acted like that with a man. Then she would have turned her silpper on Arie.
Mammas little darlings might be discovered and become a star!
/snark
I’ve watched The Bachelor for years. This season seemed more scripted and rehearsed than in years past, to the extent that I feel the entire finale (“live and unedited”) was scripted bullshit. Becca’s reaction to Arie’s obsurd change of heart didn’t appear to be authentic. I’ve never seen anyone cry so pretty. No red nose. No puffy eyes. No tissues needed. Give me a fucking break! Then pitiful, no balls Arie hangs around for 20 minutes, ignoring her repeated requests for him to leave, saying NOTHING while claiming he wants to tell her how he feels. Ha ha! To me, it was obvious 2 episodes ago that Becca and Arie had nothing in common. He was not looking for a strong, confident, decisive woman, but ABC was, hence her heart breaking lead up to being named the next Bachelorette. If it wasn’t all so obvious, I’d be shocked. LOL!
Great recap! I read the site that spoils this show so I knew what to expect but did not expect how I reacted. All I can say is WOW!
I gave up the bachelor years ago but was curious after all the headlines I’d seen lately about this particular Douchebag.
Never heard of Vulture before.
Banjo has a kindred spirit in my bulldog, Ollie, who yesterday pooped on 3 separate f’ing rugs because it was raining….all damn day.
Love yourcrecaps. Thankfully I read all the spoilers from another site, so I know how this shit show goes down every season. Lol. I dvr it & then FF through most of it.