We are live with the biggest douchebag in America on After the final rose! It was the breakup that shocked AMERICA! And I just have to watch. Excuse me for blowing off RHOA but y’all THIS IS IMPORTANT! Will Lauren take Arie back? It’s the most dramatic episode ever.
I really should have eaten today. We start with Arie saying “I choose you every day…” I want him to die in a fire. He literally tells Becca that the more he hangs out with her, the more he wishes he had chosen Lauren. DIE. IN. A. FIRE. She literally said in her talking head IN THE SAME SHIRT HE DUMPED HER IN, “he makes my heart happy.” I hate men. Okay just the straight ones. The gay ones are nice.
DID THEY SERIOUSLY SEND HER HOME IN A MIDDLE SEAT IN COACH? What the fuck is wrong with this production team. Has she not been tortured enough? Oh good God he is going to ask Jason Mesnick about this situation? The other asshole that changed his mind? Really?
Okay y’all. Lauren really lives in a house with a white picket fence. Dead. And it’s a fancy pants house. Okay, I’m poor so everything looks fancy pants to me. But still. Someone in my comments suggested he got Lauren to say yes before he dumped Becca. So even a bigger douche.
Meanwhile, Lauren in Minneapolis is shlepping her bag up snow covered stairs. Crying. I also heard that everyone was sending her money for wine. If you have money to send people you see on TV wine, I do have a paypal. I’m just saying stop being ridiculous. Becca was so in love with douchebag who fucked the final three and told them all he loved them. Sadly, Becca is contractually obligated to be there for the finale and the next two shows. Becca points out that Arie even said that Lauren could not carry on a conversation. AGAIN PLEASE SEE VULTURE STORY. She literally didn’t speak a thousand words all season. In searching for the link, I found this on Vulture. Sixteen billboards shaming Arie. Also don’t click on any of those links because Vulture writers are who I want to be when I grow up and you will never come back to me. SO. MUCH.BETTER.THAN.ME. Anyway, Douchebag is back at the door, and Banjo is done throwing up on my brand new area rug (I just know that this never happens to Vulture writers) and I need to get us back on track.
So douchebag is all OMG I just want to tell Lauren how much he loves her. It’s been a month and a half and she greets him with a huge hug. My commenter says he called her in advance to be sure she would take him back if he left Becca. But she is a moron and she will take him back. He says he picked Becca because he knew she would say yes. He admits that he called her before dumping Becca. This is such a horrible scene. What’s next? Is he going to pull out the Neil Lane ring? She’s already asking for it.
I love Becca with the short hair. She says that Arie just says whatever the person in front of him wants to hear. Becca with the short hair says it was cruel to break up with the other Becca on camera. OHHHHHHHHHH Sienne just confirmed what my commenter said. He knew that Lauren would take him back before he dumped Becca on live TV. Tia says she was actually with Lauren when Arie called her on NYE whe he was with Lauren. So this all went down way before he told Becca. What a douchebag. On the other hand, I suppose if he felt like he made the wrong choice… I could forgive that. But that proposal… see I hate straight men.
Becca with the short hair says she hopes they break up. She also said that she understands why Lauren would take him back, She’s only seen the good side of him.
Becca says she knew about Lauren, but they were looking at houses together. He thought he was just reaching out for closure. Lauren says she is fine. Chris tells her about the billboards and wine funds. She says she is donating the money to Stand Up For Cancer. Chris says they will match it. So that is good, right? If anyone wants to start me a wine fund, I will use it for wine. I need to order some more champagne from wine.com.
After the break, douchebag comes back to confront Becca. Douchebag says he knew when he talked to Lauren on NYE. Jesus. Becca sounds like she is begging. Becca seems like she is broken. Arie regrets proposing. He blames it on the show. They expected a proposal and he went with it. Becca says he robbed he of a real proposal. She doesn’t understand why he kept reassuring her that it was the right decision with her. She wants him to be happy with Becca.
I hope so much I can DVR Roseanne.
Jason Mesnick is back. He did the same thing. He says just get out of a big city and go back to your lives. Social media is horrible. Jason says Arie is not a douchebag and he is a good guy. I have to say, that Arie proposing to the wrong woman makes him changing his mind seem real.
Arie says he did not watch last night. Social media is brutal. He says he did this to find his fairytale ending. They are leaving the country until this is all over. They love each other. He proposes to Lauren. She says yes.