I normally wait until Friday to recap this show because I want to watch my Shondaland in peace. DO NOT SPOIL ME IN COMMENTS OR YOU WELL HAVE THE WORST SEAT IN THE WLS. And in case you haven’t noticed there are a lot of folks banished there at the moment. But I can’t really enjoy it on Friday’s anymore because that is when the cleaners come. I will be composing some instructions this week that include hurry the fuck up and get on your way in Portuguese because the house is is good shape as far as the basics go and they are going to need to wash floors, windows an doors for the most part this week.
I can already tell you that Angele gets removed from the program next week for blowing her cover to Gabrielle. Let’s get started. What is that smell? Oh yes, it’s the Mexican steak and rice bowl I put in the oven before Top Chef started two hours ago. No dinner for me. Fuck.
Matt’s Exit Interview
He starts by ranting about Tebow and the bloods and how he felt like if he didn’t leave he was going to get violent and it would put his son in danger. He says that when the guy who is intimidated by the bloods get back on the street and does something violent, it is the fault of the admins of FCJ. And he says there was no response to his emergency button when he pushed it repeatedly. Colonel Mark promises to act on everything he told them. I am not sure I believe that anymore.
Angele has Justin Bieber Complex. I remember when Justin was such a nice boy who was discovered on Youtube and now he is just… a full blown hot mess. Celebrity fucks with people’s heads, man. She’s just the hot bitch on cell block C and she’s already ruined. The entire pod went to rec so these two could go after each other alone.
At rec time everyone goes to rec except for Angele and Gabriella. They are in love and she is this close to blowing her cover. WTF? Ha! They show a bunch of shitty white houses in the ghetto on the interstitial scenes and they all look like my She Shack.
Angele asks Stephanie if she has ever fucked anyone over. She says no. Can I point out that Stephanie is now sporting the hair twists of the Orange Is The New Black character Crazy Eyes. There is so much to say about this. I don’t have NetFlix, I already have too many TV shows, but I do know that one Halloween everyone was Crazy Eyes. And Stephanie HAS crazy eyes so this if fucking hysterical to me. Angele tells Stephanie that she “went all the way” with Gabrielle. As an aspiring late in life lesbian, I’m really not sure what that means and quite sure I am not interested in doing it. I just want someone to fix things that break and watch TV with me and stay on their side of the bed at this point. Anyway… Angele says she thinks she will be with Gabrielle outside the jail. THIS IS WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE PULLED HER, Bitch is full blown criminal. She’s “in love.” Stephanie is so going to roll on this bitch. You know she feels like she in on Survivor (BTW check out Cho’s recaps here, he’s awesome). She wants to be the last bitch standing.
Later, in Angele, cell an inmate named Sahar who accuses someone of taking her coffee. She calls everyone lowlifes and dirty asses. She is pretty and taking away Angele’s street pretty. Angele decides to defend everyone and Sahar tells her to decide if she is a man or a woman. There will be hell to pay for that comment. Sahar complains to the cameras that Angele and Gabrielle keep her up with their sex sounds and sex noises. Then back in the cell Angele tries to show out. Sahar is not having it and Angele jumps up and puts hand on Sahar! No fucking wonder she gets yanked. This shit is unacceptable. Cut to Stephanie saying “for her to forget who she was…” Bitch, Angele was dead wrong but your black ass should have been right up in there defending her,
Alan is having a really hard time with the drug situation in 500. He also can’t deal with his new roommate Dre who is a little bit off. Dre seems to be hallucinating. Or, you know, on Meth.
The next day, Dre was initiated into the bloods by having the holy shit beat out of him in a remote cell. Alan is just over it and wants to go home. He gives the distress signal. Production tells him he is at 40 days. He says he doesn’t know if he can do it. He does want to finish but he is not sure he can. He has a breakdown. He misses his wife and baby. He doesn’t want to quit, but he is not sure he can do it. The producers tell him to stick it out for his family. Well not really but it was implied they do ask if he wants to leave.
Andrew calls his dad for the first time since he tapped out. Andrew tells his dad he was being paranoid about him being in danger and he is fine. Matt admits in an interview that his son is stronger than he is. I think this will help their relationship. I the beginning, Matt felt like Andrew needed to toughen up. That was why he brought him into the program.
Nate overhears Rabbit and O’Neil talking about getting meth into the zone. Can I just sauy it doesn’t look like O’Neil has done a ton of me recently.
The show flew Alan’s wife in to try to get him to hold strong. His wife tells him to hang in there and not quit and she had pics of their kid. She tells him he will regret it if he quits.
Nate and Alan are back to finding out about the meth situation. There are five and ten dollar bumps. Isn’t that lovely my ATL friends the problem is the entire jail is complicit with it. So it’s whatever. This show is not going to help anything. It’s a crooked system. There is no way any of this is news to the people running these prisons.
I’ve been wondering why we haven’t seen this zone. A guy named Allen has been trying to get in touch with his wife. She has not been answering. Buchi has continued to antagonize his captors. Allen disrespects the female officer and for whatever reason, Johnny tells him to stop being disrespectful. The officer thanks him and says to just let it go. After she leaves, Johnny wants to whip his ass but dumbass Buchi gets in the way. I want to see Johnny beat this kid down. Johnny says the whole experience reminded him of his father disrespecting his mother and he let it get the best of him.
by Next Week: Angele is going home for blowing, or possibly blowing her cover.