It doesn’t look like I recapped the first two seasons of Unreal. I feel like I did a few posts but I can’t find any of them. I wish I had watched season two again to kind of remember where we left off. I’m super excited about this show. That said, scripted shows are harder to recap than reality shows. And I’ve been out of sorts for weeks mostly due to the drab weather, so bear with me here. I’m an hour late getting started.
We start with Quinn dragging Rachel off of a goat farm where she has spent the last six months trying to practice a life with no lying. Quinn has to revive Everlasting which is on life support because the whole suicide and mysterious death stuff. Rachel lets us know on her first day back that she is on her period. So it all seems back to normal here. Rachel is planning to continue her essential honesty life plan at work.At Chet’s request she give him an epic read about how she really feels about him. Chet, Jeremy, Quinn and Rachel swear a literal blood oath to stay silent about the whole “car accident deaths” from last season.
Serena is the first ever “suitress.” I’m not sure it will be as good without the house full of crazy bitches. She is going to be a problem though. One the first day she balks at the wardrobe which she describes as “stripper mermaid.” Dr. Simon is the new shrink. I think Wag fled for the hills or something at the end of last season in some sort of a fit of conscience.
In preparation for the parade of hopeful men, Quinn declares “Let them all be blessed with thick dicks and even thicker hair. Please cue the first man wagon.” Dr. Simon is already thoroughly appalled.
Serena is a hot mess. She has gotten a phone a googled a couple of the guys, she went nuts trying to replace the jockey for being short, she ran off with the retired military guy turned firefighter who has a kid who doesn’t have cancer much to Quinn’s chagrin and made out with him off camera which is a huge no no and we are only four guys in. But somehow Rachel made it clear to her that she can’t do the show sober and she has to talk to the jockey and kiss him and tell him she made a huge mistake trying to cut him early. After several shots, she is bumping and grinding with all the guys like a pro.
When Rachel goes to get Serena ready for the first elimination, she finds her on the bathroom floor screwing the jockey. Then she throws up. At the elimination, she sends the jockey home. She’s cold.
Jeremy tries to tell Rachel he is a changed man. She points out that he killed two people last year and some time in rehab and anger management doesn’t really fix that. Jeremy reminds her that he did it because he was keeping her out of jail, and that she wanted him too.
Then Dr. Simon comes out to make sure Rachel is okay. I’m not sure if Dr. Simon is an undercover cop investigating the murders, or Rachel’s love interest this season, or both. But he is a very interesting new addition to the show. Oh Rachel figures out that he is there for her. At least that is her theory, that he is a shrink hired to keep her together during the season. I still think he may be a cop.
Madison is still screwing the big boss and giving him reports on Quinn. After sucking up to Quinn all day, she tells him that she doesn’t think Quinn has got it anymore and then they screw around.
As I am adding the photos, I am literally watching Arie tell yet a third bachelorette he is in love with her. It’s crazy.