We start this week with the morning after a major drinking binge where Lala and James got into it. Wait, isn’t this how most episodes start? It’s just this one has most of them in a cabin at Big Bear Lake. Lala is drinking by 9:15. Which is technically allowed if she is having it for medicinal “hair of the dog” reasons, but if she is going to drink all day, I already foresee problems.
I am really not bothered by how often Scheana mentions Rob, but everyone else sure is. I mean they are always talking about their partners. What the big deal?
Jax’s storyline is how he is such and old man and can’t keep up physically or financially with anyone. Is this really news? We’ve mentioned the high altitude several times in the first seven minutes so I’m preparing for Jax to need some sort of medical attention in this episode. Because, storyline. Jax says he can’t complete any of his workouts because he is at 8,000 feet. That seemed ridiculous so I Goggled and the elevation is 6,752 feet which is still surprisingly high to me. Jax swims out to a buoy and can’t swim back because of chest pains and a lifeguard asks like three times if he is kidding. Kidding, storyline, whatever. Clearly, you were hired to save him, so do your thing buddy. How else would we get this fabulous montage of Jax’s sorry life?
Sandoval is making breakfast, Lala already wants beer and everyone thinks Jax’s near death experience is funny AF. Sorry, Jax. No sympathy for you.
Back at SUR they have the lights back on. Literally. They got some snazzy new chandeliers. Under these new chandeliers Billie announces to LVP that she went to Thailand to get a vagina. I guess it’s like that in Thailand, you just walk in somewhere, order some rice congee some massaman curry, oh and I’d also like a vagina. And they are like, “Sure, would you like to see the vagina menu or are you going to have the daily vagina special?” Billie says her vagina is very pretty and she loves it. Apparently, there were some on display that she did not care for so much. I’m so glad we’ve had this conversation. LVP is barely tolerating this conversation and when Billie starts talking about how great her orgasms are with her Thai Vagina she has to finally squash the entire line of discussion. Thank the Lord.
LVP and Ken have requested that the Toms go with them to Vegas to look at more lighting fixtures for Tom Tom. The dates happen to be on Sandoval’s birthday. Ariana is pissed that she is not invited. Jax thinks everyone should go.
While some of the crew goes in the boat to a diving area, Lala decides to sun topless. If I looked like Lala I’d just walk around naked everywhere. Everyone loves tubing behind the boat. Jax and Sandoval both lost their shorts and apparently they both decided to wear matching pink underwear. Because that’s perfectly normal. Then Rob shows off his fabulous slalom skiing skills. No, really. He’s pretty good. Meanwhile, Lala and James flirt while Rachel sits around waiting on someone to acknowledge her. Later, Rachel talks to Lala about it. Lala says there is no way she would allow James to be inappropriate with her because that would disrespect “her man.” Rachel is all like… okay. Really, Rachel is just happy to be on the show even if that means pretending to date James from time to time.
Stassi has convinced LVP to do her podcast. Schwartz has tons of questions he wants asked, like when did she lose her virginity and what turns her on. Schwarz is almost as obsessed with LVP as Stassi is. And Stassi is super obsessed.
It’s time for the podcast. LVP says she’s had two glasses of wine so her guard is down. Nothing of any interest was said.
Rob talks to Jax and Sandoval about Scheana. He tells us he was once engaged to a princess from Brunei. But he wasn’t ready to settle down. Scheana constantly tells him she loves him and he refuses to say it back. He says he does love her as a person. Which is better than loving her as an object, I suppose.
On the last morning Scheana makes everyone go through the checklist as if they were renting. This is why I don’t stay at friends cabins that often. It takes hours to get through the damn checklist, then the house is perfect again and you still have to leave insane amounts of money for the maid to come. There is literally nothing for the maid to do! I’ve done the entire checklist. What the heck could possibly be on the maid’s checklist. Then there is all the loading of things into the car. Which is a lot if say you take laundry and there are no grocery stores for miles around. At least when I go, Scheana isn’t there with a checklist.
Back in LA, Kristen drops in on Scheana to give her two belated birthday gifts. The first one is a gift card for a massage, and the second one is news that Rob told Jax and Sandoval that Rob says he’s not in love with Scheana. Scheana swears that Rob adores her. They have named their first child. They are looking at houses together. She is so delusional. I really think she believes all this. Remember when she said Rob could not have kissed another girl because he doesn’t even kiss her? That’s some serious delusion going on. She is furious with Jax for “fucking with her relationship. She is coming for him.
Next week: The Toms and Jax and their womenfolk party in Vegas. The two sleep through the business meeting the next morning. Lala has a music showcase and is worried that James will get drunk and ruin it. And they just keep on trying to convince us that Brittany is pregnant. But I am pretty sure they are talking about her sister-in-law who they helped pay for IVF.