I might have moved faster to get on this recap if I had remembered that it was the finale. But then again, I’ve been trying to get up and make coffee for the last five hours or so and just getting my first cup. So probably not.
Garrett & Johanna
Johanna has decided to elope because her dad said getting married so fast was a really bad idea. I don’t know who Garrett is talking about when discussing the woman he is getting ready to get married. But it sure isn’t Johanna. Meanwhile Johanna seems to be coming to her senses and having second thoughts about getting married.
Johanna changes into her dress and does her makeup in a restaurant bathroom. She is not okay with it. She says it is selfish of Garrett to have planned an elopement. Oh of course it is all Garrett’s fault and not the crazy bitch who is demanding a ring and a wedding immediately. Garrett sees his bride walking down the beach and he seems happy. She is crying. It’s not a happy cry. She tells Garrett that the wedding isn’t good enough for her. She says she feels like she is doing this for him. She tells him she wants to do a big wedding. He seems pissed. In the end notes, we learn that one month after filming these two broke up. Run, Garrett, Run!
James & Alla
Have we talked about James weird eyeballs yet? I forget. He either needs to be tested for Graves disease or he has some other sort of issue. Chris, James friend, tries to talk some sense into James. Alla is in rehab. Again. James is just burying his head in the sand.
James has a pizza delivered for Alla’s homecoming. If I recall correctly, she is back in jail. Yep, in the end notes it says six weeks after filming ended she violated her parole and is currently incarcerated and awaiting sentencing. James is still committed to the relationship.
Dom and Mary
Dom and Mary are going to elope on a boat in downtown Toronto. Dom doesn’t want to do personal vows. Their dog will be their sole wedding guest. The boat is more cargo ship than yacht.
In the end notes, we find out that Dom will be released from the halfway house next month so they can live together. He is working as an iron worker.
Lamar & Andrea
This is such a damn trainwreck. Andrea continues to force the instant family plan in her crazy head. The kids are not having it. Nyla asks Lamar to tell them some prison stories to keep them amused on the one hour drive to the beach. Tennison the adorable son thinks LA is the ugliest place he has ever seen. Andrea was shocked to hear that her gang banging prison BAE has been shot before. It’s just a typical Sunday drive for this Mormon family.
At the beach, Lamar is worried because he has to tell Andrea that he is not allowed to move to Utah and she is going to have move to LA if she wants to be with him. He will be on parole for two-year in LA county. Lamar says that 7 out of ten California parolees are back in within the first few years. I’m sure that Andrea doesn’t know that. Andrea briefly gives thought to her kids who have many extracurricular activities and ties to their current school in Utah. She says to Lamar now I am messing up my kids life because I fell in love with a convict. Ah, a moment of clarity! But how long will it last?
How the hell does this idiot support herself? She says she wants to marry him before she moves. They are still on the beach and they are about to tell the kids. Nyla the teenage daughter says absolutely not and storms off.Andrea says in her talking head, “I’m just a horrible mom. Period.” Yes you are. The absolute worst.
Two weeks later, they are still in LA getting ready to get married. The problem is she won’t have her expensive shoes. Andrea says that she is not getting married without the shoes. The kids all immediately start a Mormon prayer chain that she really means that.
Andrea makes it clear to everyone that her wedding day is supposed to be about her. No one should mention any problems. If their family dies she doesn’t want to hear about it until after her wedding. If they get shot, keep it covered and to themselves until after the wedding. Everything is to be all about Andrea. Tennison helped Lamar tie his tie for the wedding. He advises him to lie low when Andrea is in one of her moods and not talk too much.
Their wedding is two hours late because Andrea is still getting ready. She says she doesn’t care about the people waiting. It is her day and they can just wait. The fugly shoes have arrived. After over three hours of keeping the guests waiting, she finally waddles down the aisle. Part of the vows refer to difficult and easy times. Andrea tells the officiant not to include the word difficult in her vows. Lamar is drunk and repeatedly tries to kiss her during the vows. They actually go through with the wedding, kids be damned. The bride and groom cannot be happier. Nyla and Tennison seem to have come around regarding Lamar. They don’t seem to have a choice in the matter.
In the end notes, we find out that this new family still live in LA, and that Lamar has a job with an airline. We still don’t know how Andrea pays for all of her fancy shoes.
Scott & Lizzie
Scott tells Lizzie she is facing 8 to 12 years. She cries and plays on his emotions. I hate ceremonies where the officiant starts with the bride. That is not how it works. You have one job. Tony agrees to wait the twelve years. Oh, Scott. Why? In the end notes we learn that Lizzie is still in prison. She may be able to get out in 2018. Thank God, the sooner she gets out and dumps him, the better off Scott will be.
Tony & Angela
Angela is still sending money to Tony. And “sexy” photos. Sigh. Her friend who was an inmate who used people on the outside for money. Angela says she is not a fool. Oh, girl, all that money you are parting with says otherwise. In the end notes, we find nothing has changed with these two and Tony still doesn’t have a release date. I find that hard to believe. I think he is just not telling Angela when it is.