I can’t believe we’re almost halfway through Vanderpump Rules, season 6. So far, it’s been a gas. Tonight is all about the dueling birthdays. It’s Queen Bee Stassi vs Queen Bey Ariana. Who will come out on top? It depends on the judging criteria. If it’s based on how many times someone screams, “It’s my birthday!” Stassi wins. If it’s based on anything else…
But first, the Tom Tom permits are finally approved. The Toms pull out their checkbooks and make it official. Sandoval still hasn’t figured out that he’s merely a figurehead. His histrionics are extra extra.
Ariana gets TV therapy for her shy vagina. Look, I think everyone needs therapy. It helps to talk to someone with no stake in your game. But TV therapy is always cringeworthy. And sad.
Lisa summons James, Lala, Brittany and Schwartz to Villa Rosa to plan World Dog Day II: The Re-Doggening. First of all, what a random grouping of SURvers (and SUR adjacents). Secondly, I don’t understand why they’re doing another year of this. Nothing will ever top James’ “pick up your poop” announcements at WDD1. They should go out while they’re on top. After gossiping about the dueling birthdays (and some really clunky ass-kissing by Schwartz), Lisa pulls Brittany aside. She makes it clear Jax is not allowed anywhere near WDD. She wants to hurt him and dogs are her dagger.
Sandoval makes Ariana a birthday breakfast which leads to talk of her shy vagina. Ariana doesn’t want Tom to think it’s because she’s not into him. Tom thinks it’s because she not into him. Things would be easier if they spoke a similar language.
While Stassi, Katie and Kristen deadify their faces, we learn that Lisa made Kevin Lee give Katie an apology and a huge bouquet. It went as well as you would expect based on the press he did last week. At least the flowers were nice.
Jax finds out he’s not allowed at WDD. Lisa has never held him accountable for his actions before. It’s confusing. Sandoval is too busy trying on jackets from every Bollywood movie ever made to offer solace.
It’s finally party time! Here’s a quick rundown to who’s going where: James (looking like Little Lord Fauntleroy), Lala (in a Queen of the Jungle bikini), Scheana (in lingerie) Billie (in lingerie and unattractive head wrap), and Jax (Prom King) go to Ariana’s party. Kristen, Katie, Schwartz (I know!), that annoying Rachel girl, and The Chode go to Stassi’s party. Brittany goes to both because, Brittany. In terms of randoms, Stassi’s crowd looks like they all wear chinos. Ariana has the Silverlake hipsters and West Hollywood queens.
Ariana’s party is drama-free (and I don’t want to talk about her shy vagina anymore) so we switch over to Stassi’s. Patrick is too cool to dress according to theme. Stassi is just grateful he’s there. A little too grateful. Kristen sums the whole thing up perfectly: in all of her other relationships, Stassi was the conductor. In this one, she’s second fiddle. It couldn’t happen to a nicer lady. The stripper from Katie’s New Orleans bachelorette conveniently shows up. Katie starts passing out ass shots. Stassi throws a fit. She blames it on the Adderall and Tequila but it’s really because girl respects tradition. Could we even call it Stassi’s birthday if she didn’t shout at us that it’s her birthday? Repeatedly. Showing real growth, Kristen refuses to chase her as she flounces into the LA night. Her hair may be a nightmare but Kristen has won this episode.
At World Dog Day (WDD™) there are almost as many dogs as there are photos of Lisa. Even Rhea Litre crowning Brittany’s dog in the beauty pageant isn’t enough to pique my interest. Or Bravo’s. Instead, they focus on Lisa being mad that Jax never reached out after she specifically said she didn’t want him near her and Katie being pissed at Stassi for throwing a fit (and stiffing her with a $1400 bar tab).
Next week: Tamara will be filling in for me while I frolic on the beach in my big girl bathing suit. On VPR, Stassi consults a tarot card reader about her future with Patrick. Scheana invites a select group of friends to Rob’s best, most amazingest cabin. James makes a startling admission about his feelings for Lala. And Jax feels left behind in the wake of Tom and Tom’s “success.”