Stassi and James are combining forces to throw a party celebrating Lisa as the new Editor of Beverly Hills Lifestyle magazine. Whew! That’s three fake jobs in one sentence. As soon as Lisa is out of earsight, Stassi relentlessly badgers James about his boyfriend. It’s obnoxiously scripted but necessary to set up the Stassi Is An Asshole storyline (as if seasons 1-5 weren’t enough).
The triplets are coming for their first LA visit. Since Katie is hoping for a redemption arc this season, she’s allowing them to stay chez Bubba. Four Schwartzi in one small apartment sounds daunting. The Toms are planning a huge makeover extravaganza, as straight dudes are wont to do.
Stassi has asked Billie to appear on her podcast. It doesn’t start well. Ariana schooled Billie on Stassi’s tone deaf Oscar episode. It was basically the Black Lives Matter version of her #MeToo debacle (and her defense of it was exactly the same). As an activist, Billie isn’t impressed. But fame whore-ery eventually wins out and Billie plows ahead. Extra points to Stassi for her ridiculous fake crying.
Sandoval starts dressing the triplets the minute they walk in the door. It’s awkward and a little insulting. But this is primarily a recap scene. There was a fire at SUR. Stassi asked Jax to bartend Lisa’s party. And Kristen is a big ole bitch for flying Brittany’s family out to support her.
Lisa, fortified in her Vanderpump Dogs army jacket, surveils the fire damage. Stassi pulls her focus to something a little more important: Ariana won’t work The Party because she doesn’t want to work for Stassi. And Ariana told Billie that Stassi is racist. Lisa vehemently defends Stassi. Lisa doesn’t know what she’s talking about but she knows it’s not good for her brand. Stassi wipes the fake tears out of her eyes and returns to her fake job. I mean, this party isn’t going to plan itself.
The entire cast (minus Kristen) have a SUR meeting. The restaurant is going to be closed for the evening but James’ See You Next Tuesday will proceed as planned. Phew! That was a close one. Lisa cracks the whip and gets Ariana to work The Party. Stassi gloats.
We get a montage of Stassi setting up the party. I feel like it should have the Rocky theme playing under it. The staff start dribbling in but Jax is nowhere to be found. He’s bringing all of the bar tools so Ariana doesn’t know how she’s going to make Big Pinkys. Gasp! While Ariana complains about Stassi’s lack of planning, Stassi complains about Jax. They’re both right. When Lisa arrives in a top I’d rather not discuss, she’s furious at Jax. She quickly shoves Max behind the bar. The Party must go on. Jax shows up an hour late and thinks Lisa will laugh it off as usual. Lisa is earning her check this week and she drags him to filth. Jax is shocked she’s so worked up over rich people with free drinks. Uh, rich people with free drinks are Lisa’s lifeblood. Lisa kicks him out and Stassi heckles him as he goes. Just another day in the life of Jax Taylor.
Lisa’s circle of rich people with free drinks includes Kevin Lee (chi chi chi). After a few too many Big Pinkys, he tells Katie she’s put on weight and needs to do something about it. “It’s out of control now.” Katie cries and Lisa consoles. We learn about the source of Katie’s face scar: she fell through a skylight and down a flight of stairs. She decides that her scar and her obese Size 4 body give her character. I think she should ask Kevin what he named that muskrat living on top of his head, but I’m petty that way.
Just an aside: not only is Dorit at the party, Yolanda’s weird photographer friend is there too. It’s a literal who’s who of assholes and buffoons.
James has to scurry from The Party to SYNT. Eventually the rest of the cast joins. Jax self-righteously proclaims that he was only 30 minutes late to The Party. Wait a minute. They can’t use the same storyline as Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. One lategate is one too many. The girls wander outside so they can reassure Fatty Fat Fat that she deserves respect even though she’s fatty fat fat. Then Stassi shares that Ariana said she doesn’t care about social issues or politics. Kristen is drunk so she veers off script by yelling out, “None of us are that way!” Yes, we’re aware. Stassi has clearly devoted some serious time to working this into a HUGE issue. With her as the victim. Who wants to bet this is Stassi’s storyline for the rest of the season? Ugh. Biggest fashion blunder: Katie’s camo jacket with fringe.
As SYNT gets rolling, and the drinks be flowing, Jax watches Kristen dog him out to Brittany. Ever the adult, he proceeds to roid out about what a vile creature she is. He’s in prime form. You can practically see the pasta fumes wafting off of him. Brittany takes up the mantle for her friend. When Jax questions her family’s visit, Brittany shows her Spark. She refuses to turn a nice thing her friend did for her into some bullshit drama. Jax would better off using his time to work on his own ish. Scheana and Ariana tease him that all this anger isn’t good for is aged heart.
Finally it’s time for the Priv ad. The triplets get shorn and shaved (with the clippings dropped onto Katie’s shag rug). They’re finally a little comfortable with the cameras and they love their LA looks.
Jax revisits the Reiki mistress. Jax loves her because she believes his bs. He even tells her to call him Jason, because he’s being “real.” What’s really real is his smug grin when they hug.
Next week: Stassi has a murder-themed birthday party. Ariana has a royalty-themed birthday party. Lisa is still pissed at Jax. And we have to talk about Sandoval and Ariana’s sex life again. Please prepare yourself. We’re going to play a drinking game: everytime Stassi says, “It’s my birthday!” you have to drink. Spoiler alert: you will get shit faced.
Another great recap! Jax/Jason is a total sociopath! I’ve been to a reiki therapist and she has never used curse words or had me sit up facing her to tell my truth white tapping my body and flirting with me! She is a quack & incredibly into Jax/Jason! I predict him cheating with Kelsey the Reiki Master next! Love the Lategate crossover, but can’t deal with seeing Dorit in two shows this week! Lisa’s Magazine seems as lame as Lydia from OC’s magazine Nobleman! What was Lisa wearing? Instead of giving her a pearl necklace Ken gave her and entire pearl off the shoulder ensemble pre-party! Where was Giggy st this very important event? Did Lisa call any of her pooches assholes for not showing up on time to her important event? Jax was definitely incredibly unprofessional and his job security is hanging so loose like one of Kristen’s finger nails at this point! Ken Lee is an ass wig for calling Katie fat! Yes, she was a totally birch last year and people
Called her fat cause she was super mean, but I think most women felt utterly disgusted when Ken Lee said those undeserved comments. Only people whom Katie immaturely & wrongfully attacks has a right to talk shit back to her like that!
#1 Katie is not THIN. Frankly, I never noticed the scar on her face until she pointed it out. She should have sucked up the fat comment and moved on instead of telling everyone in an attempt for them to say “on no you are not fat” hellO this woman does have more meat on her bones than anyone on the show with the exception of Lisa’s daughter whatever her name is. #2 Reiki is totally unprofessional and she and “Jason” will get it on sooner or later. I am positive that is in the script. #3 Come on we all know that Lisa planned her party, not Stassi. I am sick of Lisa. Nice advertising with her jacket though. I guarantee you it was a prop only for the show.
Ariana and Tom need to break up soon. He is a homo and it is time for him to come out of the closet.
I have never in my life seen men act like these do on this show. They all seem gay. They are so prissy it has gotten disgusting. I quit after last night. I only cared for Peter and Brittany and now I think Brittany is a damn fool so the show is dead to me.
Katie is also NOT FAT. She is a person of normal weight living in a city where everyone is on the pasta and adderall diet.
I don’t believe the show is dead to you at all. I think you are an obsessed hate watcher who will be back next week tor remind of us of the reasons you have seething hatred for each and every one of them.
Thank you Tamara! I appreciate you saying that because it is so true. If I lived in LA they would think I was morbidly obese and I can’t imagine the hate I would get being on TV. Being 5’10 and a size 14 I would be raked over the coals.
Tamaratattles you took the words right out of my mouth. also i agree Katie is not fat.
I’m an actual fatty fat fat girl, and I was so compelled by some of what went down tonight that I actually tweeted to Katie that I was 100 percent down with her scar, and if she needed a fat girl to sit on that cliched twat waffle to teach him a lesson, I am definitely her girl. I have usually and typically HATED Katie’s behaviors from the get go – but dammit, love her for her scar and body acceptance.
Kevin Lee needs to check himself before he wrecks his outdated, overly cliched self before he wrecks this opportunity. He is truly an asswipe.
Great recap! I feel like this “gang” got together for a serious “let’s get our shit together ” sit down. And it’s working. They are much less obnoxious and self-involved than they used to be. But they still are (obvi). They remind me somewhat of the late 70’s early 80’s when we used to be hippies and share a big house and play music drink and smoke pot. We thought we were going to change the world. They lack that last sentiment.
This recap is so funny! So many lines made me laugh. Great job!
I can’t believe we have to endure another of Stassi’s birthdays! I’m already sick of her going on about her birthday, and it’s just started.
When Jax was “apologizing” to Lisa when he was late to work The Party, he was so obviously not sorry at all. He thought if he said the magic words “I apologize,” she had to say no problem. He is astoundingly unable to empathize with anyone else.
I totally wouldn’t trust him with the Reiki master–could they possibly have sat any closer together face to face?–but I did think for once he gave a little insight into himself when he shared about how hard the rejection was in the modeling business, and how when they did pick him, he just felt used. That scene was the only time I can remember when he wasn’t being 100% shallow.
I liked Lisa’s party outfit. Am I the only one??
Yes, Jax was as shallow as ever. He wanted her to feel bad for him, just Jax playing a victim. and he was only 30 minutes late according to Jax time. Such a sociopath
“he proceeds to roid out…” bwahahaha!
‘what he named that muskrat sitting on top of his head’ *dead*. LVP’s top was gorgeous but a big nopity nooe nope without hauling her bazooms above her waist. Jason is the ultimate coke-sweaty, totally lacking in self-awareness tool. I don’t get how any woman would go near him. He needs to stick with pay-for-gay old Weho queens or back to FL as it seems his sugar daddy still has the feels for him. The girls this week, meh. Although Katie’s story about her accident was compelling. Sandoval needs an entire Mattel Ken collection to play with. Someone needs to twatter Mattel. I would but I could not care less.
I love those broken birds. Pumprules is the best show on bravo this winter_spring. Real housewives need to learn how to bring funny, crazy drama from those crazy kids. Jason? How is Brit going to justify that one?
I just have zero sympathy for brittany anymore. Your bf is an abusive,asshat, sociopath who treats you, your family, your friends, and everyone in his life like garbage. Whyyyyyyy do you “lurrrrrrrve” him? What is there even to respect about him? How can you love someone you don’t respect?
I felt for Katie. I don’t always like her but I have always been on the receiving end of completely inappropriate body comments from random people and always wondered, “why do they think this ok to say to me?”
I’m not a fan of Katie but I felt for her too. You could see how shocked she was by his comments. I’ve had a similar experience as well and it comes so out of nowhere you just don’t know what to say. Then as she’s processing it to her friends, we have Stassi making it again all about her. Hey sorry you were insulted just a minute ago, let’s talk again about what they said about me me me!
We live in a society where fat shaming seems to be an acceptable prejudice. People who have or have had an issue with weight have often expressed that they feel less comfortable with expressing opinions or even going out in public for fear of being called the most terrible thing in the world…fat. And lots of people end up with distorted body images and develop poor self esteem and self loathing as a result. In my opinion Katie needs to work on her self destructive choices far more than her ligne.
I was fat shamed as a kid. I was a bit overweight. I did unhealthy things in my teens to get skinny. A year ago I got sick and now I’m underweight and people “skinny shame” me. Either way it’s not right and nobody deserves to have their body insulted in my opinion.
I actually like all of those crazy kids. I can’t hate any of them, they all have moments that make me smile. I was so happy when Katie told the Tom’s what Kevin said and they were so supportive.
I was always the skinny girl growing up. My nickname was Skinnybum which is a play on words with my surname. When I was 25, I had my first baby. About 8 months later I was at my mother in laws house and her sister told me I should work on my body and get rid of the extra weight and that I owed it to my husband. He didn’t deserve a fat wife. I was so shocked and didn’t know how to respond. To this day I think about that. It cut deep.
Side note- Sandoval’s moment when he said “officially, welcome to Hollywood” was the most cheesy moment in VR history and you know it was one of his greatest moments in life.
I agree. I’ve had it with Brittany myself. I couldn’t believe this one look he gave her and all I could think of was man this guy hates her right now. He treats her the way she allows him to treat her. He got away with cheating on her once and of course, he is going to cheat again. He can not be trusted and if Brittany thinks he won’t cheat then she is a dumm.y. I’m convinced he will cheat again. If she thinks she won’t do any worse than Jax well lets hope not. lol, She can only go up from here because Jax is as low as she can go
Another super recap! “The muskrat on his head”! So funny. And “chi chi’s” remark kind of reminded me of when Mario Cantone asks “Samantha” in Sex and the City”: “What about the pouch”? “She’s eating something out there!”. And she’s eating her feelings (as is/has been the case with many of us, and maybe Katie too). I admire Katie for wearing her scar. There is something Amazonian about it. But Lisa’s top at the magazine party? I am sorry, but imho no woman her age should go out in a see-through beaded contraption, with no support bra and all that flesh. WHY? Just, WHY? All I could think was has she lost her darned mind? And Kisten’s gleeful gloating was not attractive, in particular as she always looks as if she has snot running down her face. And Brittany’s mom’s tan is scary.
Kevin Lee, shame on you! LVP do the right thing and fire his ass. That recap had me spewing drink out my nose #classy
Call me petty but I kept rewinding Jax/Jason’s exit scene from the LVP party. Did anyone else notice his boots were ill fitted and the ankles were twisted in awkward directions? To top it off, he followed that up with his bunion on display.
That’s funny. I didn’t notice at the time, but now I’ve watched again and I see it too. Also, he leaves with the bag of bar tools that they so desperately needed. The whole bar thing was obviously scripted because when Scheana and the rest arrive, they seem upset for Ariana that she’s muddling. She’s a bartender! Why would they be surprised at that?
I was going to comment on Brittney’s arrival. They all wear heals, but she looked wobbly in hers. Would that really be the footwear you’d choose?
Upon watching it again, it is totally Pandora running that party, not Stassi. And Pandora is fed up with the lot of them!
Love this recap! LadyC, you are too funny — too many great remarks to reference. Kevin Lee — perfect description.
My eyes popped when Lisa showed up in that top. Her sense of fashion/hair style has always been lacking, but that top “topped” them all. All the references to old lady bosoms are right on.
I understand that Jax and Brittany are supposedly still together, but did she see this scene with the “therapist” before? If so, she is not worthy of sympathy any more. Too dense.
Lady C your comment about Kevin’s muskrat made me laugh. What a perfect description! I too dislike a lategate crossover. It felt very staged to me. I had to back it up during Jax’s boorish rant about Kristen. Ariana making the “stop talking” gesture and then playing it off was strange. This episode felt so choppy though. Little bits of lots of things. More details about Katie’s falling through a skylight would have been appreciated.
I can’t wait for next week’s episode re: Stassi’s birthday party. They keep showing a clip and it’s obvious that Stassi is rolling hard on molly/ecstasy. She’s got shutter vision and does a poor job controlling it.
If you didn’t already believe that Jax is a sociopath, this episode shows you. He knows exactly which version to present…reiki master, let me present my wounded side Jason. Even when playing “vulnerable”, he still manages to push blame off himself and yet another woman falls for it. Ladies, you are embarrassing the rest of us that see through his nonsense.
Reiki might be the first to get Jasoned.
HA!
Katie is NOT remotely fat. But I prefer tequila Katie to this redemption arc. I liked her Tom being the good one to her evil. But I suppose it must be tough to be the bad one all the time.
If you subscribe to receive a post for all comments at TT, Do you get them on the recaps that Lady C writes? VPR, The Walking Dead, RuPaul’s Drag Race? Because I don’t and it drive me CRAZY! Is it just me?
Yes! I’m grateful for that option as I’m usually behind when I watch anything or read the recaps. I’d be list without my emails!
Oh and I watched this last night, and barely remember it. It was late and I was probably doing my night time shut down routine on the laptop. Thank God for this recap because apparently the episode didn’t grab my attention enough to pay attention.
Hi, you are the best. I am def light trolling lady. You are amazing. My email is down but I am awake. We are friends on the book.
Bravo is not paying Brittany enough to pretend Jax is her boyfriend. Can his jaw line get any wider? And “muskrat on his head” is channeling your inner Hunter Thompson.
I would be in hog’s heaven if I was Katie or Brittany’s size instead of Katie AND Brittany’s size.
Ha!
Exactly!
Another fabulous recap! I’m committing to memory ” a who’s who of assholes and buffoons”- I will use that someday because its a great line. I don’t want the season to end bc I will miss your recaps of it too much.
Kristen is great-the nuttier the better. Kevin Lee is an asshole. Why anyone would listen or care about his assessment of them is beyond me.
Seeing Katie’s video from 2009 when she said she was an actress and by actress she meant she was a waitress was another example of what makes the VPR cast so fascinating to me. These are a bunch of actors who were waiting tables when they struck reality tv gold by being in the right place at the right time. Jax and Ariana in particular are showing signs of the strain that comes from living with golden handcuffs. 5 years ago when it all started this was exciting but now their weird breed of fame and income is inextricably linked to Sur and Lisa Vanderpump. They likely didn’t plan to stay in the service industry so long but they can’t leave if they want to continue to enjoy the perks and money. Who would hire them for another role anyway? It’s all very fascinating to me. Some of them are undoubtedly still having fun, but I’m wondering if anyone else has noticed there are a few in the cast just seems kind of over it all.
I agree about the “golden handcuffs.” But, on the other hand, Kristen and Stassi no longer work at SUR, and the show still finds ways to keep them on.
This recap made me laugh so hard thank u!
Lady C is the best at recapping this show! Sofa King funny!