Stassi and James are combining forces to throw a party celebrating Lisa as the new Editor of Beverly Hills Lifestyle magazine. Whew! That’s three fake jobs in one sentence. As soon as Lisa is out of earsight, Stassi relentlessly badgers James about his boyfriend. It’s obnoxiously scripted but necessary to set up the Stassi Is An Asshole storyline (as if seasons 1-5 weren’t enough).
The triplets are coming for their first LA visit. Since Katie is hoping for a redemption arc this season, she’s allowing them to stay chez Bubba. Four Schwartzi in one small apartment sounds daunting. The Toms are planning a huge makeover extravaganza, as straight dudes are wont to do.
Stassi has asked Billie to appear on her podcast. It doesn’t start well. Ariana schooled Billie on Stassi’s tone deaf Oscar episode. It was basically the Black Lives Matter version of her #MeToo debacle (and her defense of it was exactly the same). As an activist, Billie isn’t impressed. But fame whore-ery eventually wins out and Billie plows ahead. Extra points to Stassi for her ridiculous fake crying.
Sandoval starts dressing the triplets the minute they walk in the door. It’s awkward and a little insulting. But this is primarily a recap scene. There was a fire at SUR. Stassi asked Jax to bartend Lisa’s party. And Kristen is a big ole bitch for flying Brittany’s family out to support her.
Lisa, fortified in her Vanderpump Dogs army jacket, surveils the fire damage. Stassi pulls her focus to something a little more important: Ariana won’t work The Party because she doesn’t want to work for Stassi. And Ariana told Billie that Stassi is racist. Lisa vehemently defends Stassi. Lisa doesn’t know what she’s talking about but she knows it’s not good for her brand. Stassi wipes the fake tears out of her eyes and returns to her fake job. I mean, this party isn’t going to plan itself.
The entire cast (minus Kristen) have a SUR meeting. The restaurant is going to be closed for the evening but James’ See You Next Tuesday will proceed as planned. Phew! That was a close one. Lisa cracks the whip and gets Ariana to work The Party. Stassi gloats.
We get a montage of Stassi setting up the party. I feel like it should have the Rocky theme playing under it. The staff start dribbling in but Jax is nowhere to be found. He’s bringing all of the bar tools so Ariana doesn’t know how she’s going to make Big Pinkys. Gasp! While Ariana complains about Stassi’s lack of planning, Stassi complains about Jax. They’re both right. When Lisa arrives in a top I’d rather not discuss, she’s furious at Jax. She quickly shoves Max behind the bar. The Party must go on. Jax shows up an hour late and thinks Lisa will laugh it off as usual. Lisa is earning her check this week and she drags him to filth. Jax is shocked she’s so worked up over rich people with free drinks. Uh, rich people with free drinks are Lisa’s lifeblood. Lisa kicks him out and Stassi heckles him as he goes. Just another day in the life of Jax Taylor.
Lisa’s circle of rich people with free drinks includes Kevin Lee (chi chi chi). After a few too many Big Pinkys, he tells Katie she’s put on weight and needs to do something about it. “It’s out of control now.” Katie cries and Lisa consoles. We learn about the source of Katie’s face scar: she fell through a skylight and down a flight of stairs. She decides that her scar and her obese Size 4 body give her character. I think she should ask Kevin what he named that muskrat living on top of his head, but I’m petty that way.
Just an aside: not only is Dorit at the party, Yolanda’s weird photographer friend is there too. It’s a literal who’s who of assholes and buffoons.
James has to scurry from The Party to SYNT. Eventually the rest of the cast joins. Jax self-righteously proclaims that he was only 30 minutes late to The Party. Wait a minute. They can’t use the same storyline as Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. One lategate is one too many. The girls wander outside so they can reassure Fatty Fat Fat that she deserves respect even though she’s fatty fat fat. Then Stassi shares that Ariana said she doesn’t care about social issues or politics. Kristen is drunk so she veers off script by yelling out, “None of us are that way!” Yes, we’re aware. Stassi has clearly devoted some serious time to working this into a HUGE issue. With her as the victim. Who wants to bet this is Stassi’s storyline for the rest of the season? Ugh. Biggest fashion blunder: Katie’s camo jacket with fringe.
As SYNT gets rolling, and the drinks be flowing, Jax watches Kristen dog him out to Brittany. Ever the adult, he proceeds to roid out about what a vile creature she is. He’s in prime form. You can practically see the pasta fumes wafting off of him. Brittany takes up the mantle for her friend. When Jax questions her family’s visit, Brittany shows her Spark. She refuses to turn a nice thing her friend did for her into some bullshit drama. Jax would better off using his time to work on his own ish. Scheana and Ariana tease him that all this anger isn’t good for is aged heart.
Finally it’s time for the Priv ad. The triplets get shorn and shaved (with the clippings dropped onto Katie’s shag rug). They’re finally a little comfortable with the cameras and they love their LA looks.
Jax revisits the Reiki mistress. Jax loves her because she believes his bs. He even tells her to call him Jason, because he’s being “real.” What’s really real is his smug grin when they hug.
Next week: Stassi has a murder-themed birthday party. Ariana has a royalty-themed birthday party. Lisa is still pissed at Jax. And we have to talk about Sandoval and Ariana’s sex life again. Please prepare yourself. We’re going to play a drinking game: everytime Stassi says, “It’s my birthday!” you have to drink. Spoiler alert: you will get shit faced.