What the fuck it the matter with you people? Seriously. Who paid so many reviewers to fan themselves over this movie?
This was the worst movie I have ever seen. People who say Greta Gerwig was snubbed by the Golden Globes are lying to you. The movie should not have won any awards at all. For anyone. Except maybe Laurie Metcalf. She was really good. She was really good in a shit movie.
Blood Beach was a better movie than this. Legally Blonde was a better movie than this. Sharknado 4 was a better movie than this. Dude Where’s My Car, is most likely a better movie than this. Getting my teeth cleaned would have been a more enjoyable way to spend the last excruciating 45 minutes of this movie.
And I love me some catholic school girl angsty, horny movies. Add in some “high school is hard and so are mother daughter relationships” and I’m in. I loved that it was only an hour and half, because that is about how long I can make a medium coke and a box of Milk Duds last. By then my butt is getting numb and I start thinking about the next thing I’m going to do.
I was okay for the first thirty minutes. The acting was fine. The storyline was fine. The adolescent angst was fine. I was more captivated by the trailers for upcoming events though. There were some really good ones. I enjoyed watching those in the stinky AMC theater half way to Chattafuckingnooga that was old and gross and had the old-fashioned seats. All it took was one time at the nice Vinings AMC with the clean reclining chairs and the smell of $45 popcorn wafting about for me to be thoroughly disgusted with the Barrett Parkway AMC. And I was raised in a third world country where camel excrement and piss mixed with cumin was always the scent du jour. Cumin is my favorite spice and camel excretions smell much more pleasant than whatever was happening in that theater.
This is a movie about nothing. It’s every movie about a drama kid that ever lived. The poor kid at the rich private school. The gay guys in the glee club. The band guy who is shockingly fucking all the girls. The rich bitch who will backstab you in a heart beat. The fake friend that runs off to join the cool clique at the first opportunity. The “unreasonably” strict mother and fighting parents with money problems. I’m sorry. I grew up with St. Elmo’s Fire and The Breakfast Club and this bullshit doesn’t deserve to be in the same sentence with movies like that.
About halfway through my box of Milk Duds, I was ready to go. I considered walking out. I kept asking myself, how much longer could there possibly be? Perhaps Lady Bird gets hit by a car or something and dies at the end. The must be more to the crappy movie.
So I waited until prom. When it looked like she was going to go off with the cool kids instead there was an opportunity for a massive overdose by all the cool kids. That would have been interesting. At least something would have happened. I might have felt something for someone in the shit show. Spoiler alert. That didn’t happen. I cannot possible spoil this movie for you BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLOT LINE AND NOTHING HAPPENS!
There is no “boy meets girl, boy loses girl” and then when boy gets girl you know it is almost over. This critics say is what makes the movie great. There is not heterosexual romance that allows the female to blooms and be successful. That is the stupidest, most convoluted thing to say to validate a movie in the world. It’s a good movie because she didn’t need a guy? She was pursuing boys the entire movie! Just like teenagers do. Her lack of success with boys made her accomplishments somehow more triumphant? What did she accomplish? IN THE MOVIE? You can’t say she accomplished so much without a boyfriend and then use her real live ending that is not part of the movie as why it is such a good movie!!!
There is no crime to solve. There is no pregnancy like that one movie about the couple adopting a pregnant teens baby. You knew when the that movie was going to fucking end. This movie is ninety-four minutes of nothing happening.
She goes to prom alone and dances with her loser real friend instead of the cool kids. It could have ended right there. Aw, she learned how to choose her friends. But no. I did not end there. Then she got accepted to a college in New York. YAY! She got what she wanted. Can I go steal some Cherry Mr. Pibb and leave now? Nope! How about when her parents put her on the plane to college? Can it end now? YAY! She is going to college in New YorK! Nope. Oh I get it. She’s finally grown up and is going to use her real name now and stop calling herself Lady Bird. She’s matured! YAY! It’s over. Nope.
For reasons that are unclear, other than most college kids drink til they puke at least once as college freshmen, we have a scene where she gets so drunk she has to go to the hospital, or the infirmary or somewhere where she wakes up the next day, which was Sunday, and goes to cry in a church. Okay. It’s the whole “Wow I really was indoctrinated with religion as a child and it’s sort of sticking with me” moment. Great! Didn’t we start in church? We’ve come full circle. SURELY TO GOD THIS CRYING SCENE IN A CHURCH IS THE END. Or maybe when she found the letters her mother had written but thrown away? See, dear? Mommy does love you after all. The End. NOPE.
It ends with her leaving a stupid message on the answering machine for her mother. REALLY?
Wasn’t this movie supposed to be a comedy? What was remotely funny about it? Who decided this was a comedy. Nancy Kerrigan getting kneecapped was way funnier than this movie. The “mastermind” of the attack on Nancy Kerrigan was one of the most hilarious characters ever to grace a movie. The guy who carried out the attack using his damn head to bust out of a glass door and escape while holding a crow bar was funny.
I, Tonya was fucking ROBBED. THAT was a good dark comedy about mother-daughter relationships.
That is all.