The last we saw our darling Vanderpump Rules friends, Brittany’s mom surprised her daughter with a Kristen Doute-sponsored visit. Jax looked downright terrified to see her. In a split second, he saw all of his manipulations swirling down the drain. And in the real world, he would have reason to be scared. But this is the SURiverse, a black hole that pulls in famewhores from coast to coast, and every podunk, redneck town in between. Tan Mom is no ordinary mom. Tan Mom wants to be on Tee Vee and if she has to sell her daughter to the scum of Hollywood to get there, she will. So never fear, Jax. You might have to sit through some fake interrogations but as long as you’re not gay, you’ll be fine.
Tonight, Katie and Lala meet for brunch. It’s a new year so they’re pretending to be friends. Highlights: Lala’s power of the pussy political plank. Low point: Katie’s sad neckerchief.
At SUR, Lisa asks Peter for a shot of Don Julio. She must be having quite a day (for reference, her usual is a cup of tea). Peter complies and she immediately slides it back to him. It’s her way of wishing him a happy birthday. Contrived but sweet nonetheless. Over at the hostess stand, Scheana is desperate to know how Lala’s brunch went. Is Lala going to the dark side? Is Scheana going to lose her best chance of getting camera time friend to the mean girls? And, most importantly, did they talk about Rob? No, Scheana. Just no. No one is talking about Rob but you. To quote Latrice Royale, good god girl, get a grip.
Finally it’s time for Peter’s birthday party. While not as loudly celebrated as Stassi’s, Peter has had some memorable parties. There was the year that Lisa goaded Scheana into giving the birthday boy a lap dance (for which she got a drunken, slurred tongue lashing from Tequila Katie) and the time Sandoval abandoned Ariana on her birthday to play with tractors in the sand. Brittany brings Tan Mom and Kristen brings… Brittany’s sister! Damn, crazy Kristen is pulling out all the stops to get Brittany away from Jax. Everyone proceeds to get naked wasted. Feminist champion Lala decides to mend the Scheana and Katie rift. It’s a great idea but she should have planned the execution better. All she does is yell at them to unite and support each other. It doesn’t work. At all. As soon as she has a chance, Scheana starts yelling at Katie. Then Schwartz yells at Scheana. So much yelling, so little time. Lisa and Tan Mom sit in a corner, beaming with pride.
Lala and James play tennis as a ruse to discuss Logan and Raquel. James tries to make it very clear that Raquel is his girlfriend and Logan is his best mate but Freud would have something to say about his, “Logan is my girlfriend” slip. Which leads us back to Jax’s apartment, where sister Tiffany spills the news that Logan claims he and James are sleeping together. Jax, the cast member most likely to know from experience, says it’s obvious that they’re boning. Welcome to Hollywood!
Jax, the Toms and James go boxing with Guillermo as an excuse to get together and drop the Logan bomb. Jax’s story has a lot more detail than Tiffany’s because, Jax. James is gobsmacked to learn that his friend betrayed him, and that everyone believes it. I mean, he’s James Fucking Kennedy, slayer of pussies from Silver Lake to the Valley.
Stassi and Kristen go to Sexy Unique Restaurant to tell Lala about Logan. Kristen believes James has played in the penis pond. Lala has a more clinical take. James so desperately wants to be loved and adored that he’ll encourage attention from anyone, male or female. She stops short of saying whether she thinks he followed through or not.
Now James and Raquel have to discuss the Logan quandary. Raquel is frustrated with the mounting list of people who claim to have slept with her boyfriend. James totally discounts her feelings to brag about his allure. I mean, he’s James Fucking Kennedy. Who wouldn’t want to sleep with him? Uh, me. Me. Me. Me.
While Brittany actually works, Jax takes Tan Mom and Tiffany to dinner. Brittany hopes they tear him a new one but I think she’s going to be disappointed. Jax tries to explain why he cheated and because it worked before, he blames Brittany’s Spark. I don’t understand how her family can sit there calmly listening to this crap. Jax says some other words that he doesn’t mean and Tan Mom forgives him. HIs takeaway from the whole thing? He won and Kristen lost. The man’s a keeper!
Before Tan Mom and Tiffany can leave, they have one more piece of business to take care of: the Logan predicament. James visits to get the story straight from the horse’s mouth. He calls Logan to confront him while the girls listen. Anticlimactically, Logan immediately admits he lied. Knowing he has to give us something, James starts crying about the lack of true friends in LA. With that, the Kentucky contingent go home and everything goes back to normal.
Next week: A fire at SUR closes things down. The Schwartz triplets visit and get an LA makeover. It’s Ariana vs Stassi over transgender rights. Someone calls Katie fat. And Jax fools the Reiki mistress, again.
Good Report. Only thing missing is :
WHERE was the bread from? That Lisa brought in big brown bags.
I really want to know. Looked amazing!
OMG, that bread!
YES!!! I wish I know the Bakery!
I think it was La Brea Bakery — they make the best bread and most restaurants order their bread from them. It’s also a great restaurant — took my mom there for mother’s day one year and loved it!
Thanks…I was thinking it could be the bread Lodge…I have bought bread at La Brea but it never came in those brown bags. But who knows…maybe theyre special for Lisa 🙂
I am really really trying to root for someone in this cast. Maybe LaLa.. That said I loathe Jax. I feel no empathy for Brittany. She is there for Fame. Her Mom would die if Brittany would break up with Jax. He is a creep who uses people no matter what sex.
I was always told Birds of a Feather flock together. What kind of people would be friends with him? He has no character…no morals. He is a thief a liar and a cheat. Lisa if you let this thief near your restaurant you are truly a fool.
How many bottles has he stolen from you? He has shown glasses, utensils, bottles stolen from your establishment yet he still is employed.
2 Toms.. You will never find a woman who loves you as you do each other. Your bromance is sickening to me. All of you are Vain, self absorbed Narcissists who are trying to make it big on TV. I was a bartender/waitress in my youth, but then you grow up. I do NOT see that happening to any of you.
James we could care less if you are gay.. Just tell Raquel the truth. You are being sketchy with her and Logan. I do like Peter. He has always been a cool dude.
Seriously, if Lisa let’s him near her restaurant she is a fool? Lisa is the reason he is on TV. Lisa is loving this. VPR is one of Bravo’s top rated shows and she is the QUEEN. Lisa is not innocent or unaware of ANYTHING that goes on there. She probably causes and promotes most of it.
I am really loving Lala this season!!!
OK… James was a dick for not getting that Logan’s feelings were CLEARLY deeper than a flirtation. But I kind of like that he was comfortable with the joking, etc. and that he was offended that people thought he would cheat, and that Logan insulted his girlfriend. I kind of believe that part was sincere. Perhaps the only time he was sincere on the show.
He wasn’t actually offended people thought he would cheat, he has already cheated on Raquel and he knows everyone else knows he has lol. That’s for show, fake outrage lol
This is getting beyond nauseating. Jax turned it into a pity party for himself by telling brit’s fam he “doesn’t like himself not one bit”. Aw, poor jax. There’s a reason for that, because you’re a filthy person who does filthy things to others.
Now they forgive him for abusing their loved one and disrespecting her and the family repeatedly, because he whined about how he doesn’t love himself.
These people are pathetic.
Sweet girl, but I literally could not take my eyes off Brittany’s sister’s eyebrows lol
Totally agree Shae. It was crystal clear to me that Jax’s MO was to manipulate her family members into feeling sorry for him deflecting once again the accountability he should be stepping up to the plate about. The frustrating thing about it is that they fell for it, and once again he is getting away with his bullshit. I wish so badly a nice successful attractive man would come in and sweep that sweet girl off her feet and take good care of her like she deserves so she would leave that piece of shit she refuses to quit right now. Poor thing is just going to have to go through it and learn the hard way, isn’t she?
What was Katie’s s scarf? Surely she was covering very up something h but what?
Tracheal shave.
Bwhahahahahaha
True words Mark
hahahahahaha, losing it!
Tom sticking up for Katie had nothing to do with how he feels about his wife and their marriage. He was mad at Scheana and drunk.
Pointing out Scheanas hypocrisy does not make you a loyal partner
Thank goodness for the great recap — I fell asleep in the middle of it. Same shit, different episode — everyone is drunk, everyone is fighting, everyone is cheating or accusing someone of cheating. Blech.
Agree Thill. I had to turn it off right away, because same old – same old. LaLa is the best thing they’ve got, but still. It all of a sudden just seemed so canned and like no matter what happens, we have seen it all before. And the L.A. thing. It all seems so superficial, and unreal. And it is not the only Housewives program to feel that way. Wondering if these Bravo shows are about to go the way of women’s 80’s shoulder pads.
I’d bet money James and Logan scripted that phone call…
Bootleg Kardashian was the most on-point insult I ever heard from this crew
Schwartz seems to be projecting his own relationship issues on to Jax and Brittany … invested so much time that they hang on and inevitably go down with the ship. How do you marry someone who you feel just in the past year has acted “cool”? Katie has just got to be different in real life because I just don’t see why anyone likes her from what’s been on the show
“Bootleg Kardashian” Stick a fork in me!!
Best thing to ever come out of his mouth.
Absolutely!!! The MOMENT James said he would call Logan…I knew how the conversation would go down.
I think James is very insecure…and desperate or any and all ” Love”.
He’s distracting. I’m always looking for his lips.
Schwartz was SO proud of himself. He ran straight to LVP to brag about “supporting” his wife. Yeah, because drunkenly screaming at someone really shows your maturity.
Just as passing out drunk at Casa Sandoval makes him father material? LOL.
I think if some of the men just came out the closet or just admit to being bisexual, a lot of this drama wouldn’t even be a conversation.
Is everyone done asking about Brittany and Kristen hooking up? Did that happen or not?
Is that considered cheating? Why is James and Logan considered cheating then?
I know. And I think James has feelings for Raquel AND Logan. That’s too bad. He’s between a rock and a hard place. I think deep down he wants them both and would like them to see things as he does and embrace each other as well. I just keep thinking about how nuts James mother is and I actually feel bad for him. Lala is right. He needs to be adored and loved.
Lala’s delivery leaves a lot to be desired sometimes but I swear she’s the most together out of the whole group. Her intentions are generally well placed. And I like the fact that she wants the females to build each other up, rather than tear each other down.
Brittany is sweet but shallow. Jax is no prize and she’s let him make a fool of her time and time again. Perhaps they deserve each other.
Love this recap – brilliant work! Over the years, I’ve had glimpses of this show and just started really watching it What I don’t understand is, how come everyone doesn’t stay far, far, far away from Jax? He’s clearly a sociopath who doesn’t give a damn about anyone else or their feelings and takes the word “manipulation” to new levels. What woman in her right mind would want anything to do with that? Why does Lisa keep him around? Oh, stupid me! There wouldn’t be much of a show without his lies and cheating ways. As for James and Logan? Of course they’ve had sex! If it looks like a duck, etc., etc., etc. James probably called Logan up and told him to deny what he said or he wouldn’t have anything else to do with him. As for James being any kind of sex symbol for women, maybe if you put a bag over his head, added 15 pounds, and injected him with massive doses of testosterone. Until then, nah!
Am I the only one who peeped how very scripted, rehearsed and badly performed James & Ligan’s lil skit was? And the Kentucky Chicks ate it up! That phibe call was planned, James wants to keep their hook ups on the low and has threatened a break up if Logan dsnt fall on his sword over his drunken confession.
When the sister who doesn’t know James was like “You deserve to know the truth” I just kept wondering if bravo actually think we’re buying this
Also, I really hope that Lala was served her mimosa
Tan Mom Jax should have blamed Tan Mom for his cheating, he could have tied it back to them worrying that he might be gay and that he needed to prove them wrong. I’m sure he cheered that Logan made the comment to Brittany’s sister, so the “is he into guys” light wasn’t shining his way this visit!
While Schwartz’s comments to Scheana were hilarious, he looked less like a husband going to bat for his wife and more like one of the mean girls.
UGH, i hatee brittany and her mom!! they both just want to be famous and will stop at nothing to do so! Brittany would have no story line or money! She stays with jax bc she would rather pay for a new dress and hair than pay for an apartment in wehOoO. I do not think brittany is a cute or innocent girl. I think she is a fat, drunk! she does not mesh well with the other girls. she comes from country not money.
You have a weird idea about what fat is. Britanny is fully within normal weight. She gets along better with the girls than anyone else on the show, and they all drink a lot. Britanny makes her own paycheck on VPR and would still be on the show if she dumped Jax. She is very well liked by the other girls. She also works way more hours than everyone else at SUR.
So you were saying?
There is something off with Sheana’s new boy toy. I don’t know what but there is something off.