The last we saw our darling Vanderpump Rules friends, Brittany’s mom surprised her daughter with a Kristen Doute-sponsored visit. Jax looked downright terrified to see her. In a split second, he saw all of his manipulations swirling down the drain. And in the real world, he would have reason to be scared. But this is the SURiverse, a black hole that pulls in famewhores from coast to coast, and every podunk, redneck town in between. Tan Mom is no ordinary mom. Tan Mom wants to be on Tee Vee and if she has to sell her daughter to the scum of Hollywood to get there, she will. So never fear, Jax. You might have to sit through some fake interrogations but as long as you’re not gay, you’ll be fine.
Tonight, Katie and Lala meet for brunch. It’s a new year so they’re pretending to be friends. Highlights: Lala’s power of the pussy political plank. Low point: Katie’s sad neckerchief.
At SUR, Lisa asks Peter for a shot of Don Julio. She must be having quite a day (for reference, her usual is a cup of tea). Peter complies and she immediately slides it back to him. It’s her way of wishing him a happy birthday. Contrived but sweet nonetheless. Over at the hostess stand, Scheana is desperate to know how Lala’s brunch went. Is Lala going to the dark side? Is Scheana going to lose her best
chance of getting camera time friend to the mean girls? And, most importantly, did they talk about Rob? No, Scheana. Just no. No one is talking about Rob but you. To quote Latrice Royale, good god girl, get a grip.
Finally it’s time for Peter’s birthday party. While not as loudly celebrated as Stassi’s, Peter has had some memorable parties. There was the year that Lisa goaded Scheana into giving the birthday boy a lap dance (for which she got a drunken, slurred tongue lashing from Tequila Katie) and the time Sandoval abandoned Ariana on her birthday to play with tractors in the sand. Brittany brings Tan Mom and Kristen brings… Brittany’s sister! Damn, crazy Kristen is pulling out all the stops to get Brittany away from Jax. Everyone proceeds to get naked wasted. Feminist champion Lala decides to mend the Scheana and Katie rift. It’s a great idea but she should have planned the execution better. All she does is yell at them to unite and support each other. It doesn’t work. At all. As soon as she has a chance, Scheana starts yelling at Katie. Then Schwartz yells at Scheana. So much yelling, so little time. Lisa and Tan Mom sit in a corner, beaming with pride.
Lala and James play tennis as a ruse to discuss Logan and Raquel. James tries to make it very clear that Raquel is his girlfriend and Logan is his best mate but Freud would have something to say about his, “Logan is my girlfriend” slip. Which leads us back to Jax’s apartment, where sister Tiffany spills the news that Logan claims he and James are sleeping together. Jax, the cast member most likely to know from experience, says it’s obvious that they’re boning. Welcome to Hollywood!
Jax, the Toms and James go boxing with Guillermo as an excuse to get together and drop the Logan bomb. Jax’s story has a lot more detail than Tiffany’s because, Jax. James is gobsmacked to learn that his friend betrayed him, and that everyone believes it. I mean, he’s James Fucking Kennedy, slayer of pussies from Silver Lake to the Valley.
Stassi and Kristen go to Sexy Unique Restaurant to tell Lala about Logan. Kristen believes James has played in the penis pond. Lala has a more clinical take. James so desperately wants to be loved and adored that he’ll encourage attention from anyone, male or female. She stops short of saying whether she thinks he followed through or not.
Now James and Raquel have to discuss the Logan quandary. Raquel is frustrated with the mounting list of people who claim to have slept with her boyfriend. James totally discounts her feelings to brag about his allure. I mean, he’s James Fucking Kennedy. Who wouldn’t want to sleep with him? Uh, me. Me. Me. Me.
While Brittany actually works, Jax takes Tan Mom and Tiffany to dinner. Brittany hopes they tear him a new one but I think she’s going to be disappointed. Jax tries to explain why he cheated and because it worked before, he blames Brittany’s Spark. I don’t understand how her family can sit there calmly listening to this crap. Jax says some other words that he doesn’t mean and Tan Mom forgives him. HIs takeaway from the whole thing? He won and Kristen lost. The man’s a keeper!
Before Tan Mom and Tiffany can leave, they have one more piece of business to take care of: the Logan predicament. James visits to get the story straight from the horse’s mouth. He calls Logan to confront him while the girls listen. Anticlimactically, Logan immediately admits he lied. Knowing he has to give us something, James starts crying about the lack of true friends in LA. With that, the Kentucky contingent go home and everything goes back to normal.
Next week: A fire at SUR closes things down. The Schwartz triplets visit and get an LA makeover. It’s Ariana vs Stassi over transgender rights. Someone calls Katie fat. And Jax fools the Reiki mistress, again.