There isn’t much that can keep me away from my beloved Vanderpump Rules but this flu sure is trying. I’m going to do my best, because I owe it to the show, but it’s not going to be pretty. So bear with me and try to follow along. Anything that doesn’t make sense is the fever talking.
We start out with Stassi’s fake job, that suddenly extends to dressing the SURvers for gay pride. She plans to lord it over them by giving her least favorite workers the worst outfits. I think that’s called professionalism.
Peter takes Jax and the Toms to see his Reiki master. I think Jax needs a lot more than a chakra alignment to fix what’s ailing him. The Reiki mistress tells Schwartz he’s fucking things up. His word of the day is Ownership. Sandoval gets Awareness. I’m pleasantly surprised with her acuity, until she falls for Jax’s bs hook, line and sinker. Even his friends are disgusted seeing him get away with it once again.
Lala takes Ariana, Scheana and Brittany to her botox center because, LA. Brittany brags about Jax’s big breakthrough in Reiki. Apparently no one told her about the chub he got for the practitioner. Moving on, it’s time for the Scheana Show. Katie is jealous. Katie is lying about Rob. Scheana is the victim. Blabbity blah blah. And if that isn’t bad enough, all of this drama is making Rob pull away. Katie is ruining everything! Sounds like Scheana might need a little Ownership if you know what I mean. The best part of the scene is how uncomfortable everyone gets every time Scheana mentions that Rob doesn’t kiss her. She thinks she’s proving he didn’t cheat but it actually shows how sad her relationship is.
Katie, Stassi, Kristen and Brittany dress up to watch La La Land. Unfortunately, the movie doesn’t start right away so we have to listen to Katie’s version of the Scheana Show. Scheana is jealous. Rob cheated. Katie is the victim. Ugh. The witches of WeHo try to get Brittany to flirt with the waiter but she’s stuck on Jax. Give it up, ladies. Brittany has made her choice.
Lala goes to lunch with James and his boyfriend Logan. They proceed to drink all the drinks. James tells them Raquel is moving
into some random guy’s living room in with him. He even cleared out a whole miniscule drawer for her. Awww. So romantic. When his friends don’t adequately cheer on this momentous occasion, drunk James gets pissed. When he finds out they ate all of Raquel’s SYNT pasta without her permission, things get ugly. James tells Lala that Raquel is prettier than her (oh no he didn’t!) and that her fat, old man is going to get bored and leave for her for the next young blonde he meets. He’s not entirely wrong but still… Lala tries to give him the benefit of the doubt (glub glub) but eventually blows her top. That’s not how you treat your friends. And, by the way, IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PASTA!
Scheana is tired of everyone talking about Rob so naturally she brings him up every chance she gets. Her newest theme is he’s too busy and successful for their petty drama. I think a fake waitress on a hit reality show is a little more successful than a background actor (with a supermodel sister) but what do I know? Either way, Scheana is pissed and it’s somehow Katie’s fault.
The Toms go to Tom Tom to get their construction on. Their sweat equity includes picking up trash, hitting each other in the balls and gossiping. Lisa sure is getting her money’s worth.
Katie tells Stassi and Kristen that Schwartz passing out drunk at Sandoval’s proves what a good father he’s going to be. Either this show is ridiculous or my flu meds are wearing off. Kristen is so desperate for Brittany to leave Jax that she’s flying her mother out. As a surprise. You know, Kristen doesn’t get much airtime but when she does, it’s golden.
And now it’s pride! Lisa is wearing another absurd hat. I really don’t get it. I love me a big hat. Think old Hollywood. Audrey Hepburn. Vivien Leigh. Even Kate Winslet in Titanic. So why would you choose a frumpy, cheap looking monstrosity over and over again? Money can’t buy you class, as they say. While everyone else marches, Scheana films with Rob. She whines about the drama and he implies that he’s ready to walk if it doesn’t get better. She tells him she loves him and he doesn’t reciprocate. #RelationshipGoals. Stassi hands out Flower Power costumes but Lala plays by her own rules. She shows up in full Wonder Woman regalia. Every episode I’m liking her more and more (is it snowing in hell yet?).
Lisa introduces Billie to the Pride crowd and has her make a speech. The spectators eat it up but it makes me uncomfortable. Why can’t Billie just be Billie? Why does she have to be Trans Billie. Everyone knows that Lisa supports the LGBTQIA community. We don’t want pandering.
James is wasted and feeling the Pride. He can’t keep his hands off of Logan while Raquel watches and pouts. James points out that they fill his two voids: Raquel is his emotional touchstone and Logan parties with him. Raquel clearly thinks there’s more to it than that. As does anyone with eyes.
After whining to all of her friends, Scheana finally gets the opportunity to cry to Lisa about her Rob problems. Or, should I say, her Katie problems. Lisa tries to help but Scheana isn’t looking for advice. She simply wants attention. When she claims her relationship with Rob is PERFECT, Lisa points out the numerous times Scheana said the same about Shay. Scheana takes it in and realizes that maybe the issue isn’t about who she’s with but rather who she is. Just kidding! Sheana’s not capable of taking ownership of her failings. Seeing nothing will get through to Scheana, Lisa makes her eat.
The next day, Tan Mom arrives for her surprise visit. Brittany is overjoyed. Jax is terrified. Well done, Kristen.
Next week: Tan Mom and Lisa discuss the Jax situation. Brittany gets a backbone and tells Jax he has to make things right with her family. Tan Mom confronts Jax. Lala tries to mediate the Scheana issue with Katie. It doesn’t work. Jax tells James that Logan is telling people he and James hook up. Raquel isn’t pleased. Kristen naturally has an opinion.