We start this sham of a show with an email from a guy named Joseph who wrote into the show about his ex-girlfriend Kim. He recently found out that she has been in an online relationship with a guy named Matt who lives in Florida. This relationship overlapped with his relationship with Kim. He is not angry, he is just worried that she is being catfished. At one point Matt lived in Sacramento where Kim and Joseph live but they still never met. He wants to get everything out in the open because Kim has had a hard life and he wants to see her happy with someone. Um, okay.
I’m sorry. I still love this stupid show even though I know it is fake A F.
They video chat with Joseph and he tells the story of Kim’s sad life. Her mother died. She’s had problems with the law. She got involved in drinking and drugs, but hey, other than that she is a really great person. He gets Kim on the phone and her attempts to be surprised were not at all believable. That is because they staged Joseph’s house already for the video chat and she was told when to expect the call.
Kim scored a really pretty grey couch! And a blue chair and a black coffee table. The walls are all blank. Why don’t they get ficus trees this year? A nice plant always makes the set look nice. Wow, it looks like they really hooked her up with the furniture. You can tell it’s not a great house but the living room is very nice. Anyway Kim says after her mom died her dad disappeared and she started getting into drugs and alcohol in high school. She spent some time in juvenile hall when she was younger for “kicking a cop in the nuts.” (Spoiler alert! None of this is true.) They painted the walls the ubiquitous grey that all the shows use these days. The floors in this house are gorgeous! Is that CGI? Because they are perfect hardwood floors and I know they didn’t do that for her. That said, the neighborhood looks nice but this may be a guest house behind the property itself.
The Ridiculously Simple Internet Investigation Into Matt
The very basic Google and social media search that the average third grader could do takes place this week at a really cute pink diner. Oh wait. Kim is only 20 and Matt is 21? That explains why they are doing this for $1K and a chance to look stupid on TV. I do not believe that she is looking at colleges either since she said she was taking drugs and drinking throughout high school and went to juvenile hall. The writers really screwed the pooch on this script. Then again, you have to be really fucking stoopid or way into the staging of the houses to watch this mess.
As the story goes, Matt and his brother did leave Florida for about five months when their mother went to Sacramento to be a travel nurse. Matt’s friend Crystal says he’s been seeing someone off and on in Kissimmee, Florida where he lives with his parents and his brother. This is all been marvelously easy. They even have a photo. They even have a photo. He’s kind of emo hot.
When they report back to Kim she’s a bit…strange. How long has it been since she was on drugs? She never mentioned getting clean. This girl got a shit ton of really cool furniture. Maybe they did that instead of paying her more than a grand because they didn’t want to give a drug addict too much cash? She has cool light fixtures and a nice dining/room kitchen table set that are not expected in this type of small home. It’s way nicer than my house inside. Kim just keeps crying with her hair covering her face and taking breaks. Actually, the whole house looks very “done.” They may have done her entire house or they may have rented this place for the shoot. It doesn’t look lived in at all. They are filming a scene in the bathroom with her randomly crying on the floor and it is pristine. There are bright white towels hanging like in a hotel room, Bath towel, face towel, wash cloth. I don’t think she lives here at all. New trendy grey bathmat.
She doesn’t want to go meet him because she is afraid of flying. Or the deal was he gets the plane ticket to California. NOW it makes sense why she got a shit ton of furniture and staging. They had a bigger budget because they only had to stage one property. She gets a fancy house makeover, he gets a free trip to California.
Nev Calls The Reluctant Catfish Who Eventually Agrees To Meet
Of course, 21-year-old Matt can barely make time for this new trip. His brother just got out of surgery. He just started a new job…etc. etc… only we have talked to the brother already, no mention of surgery and what 21-year-old emo dude is by his brother’s sick-bed 24/7? His mother is a nurse and they all live at home (which is why they can’t film there. Mama ain’t having a film crew in her house). And what job does this kid who lives with his mother have that he can’t get three days off for an all expense paid trip to Cali? No kind of job. He’s getting on a plane tonight.
Since Nev got married and has a kid, the only way his wife is letting him do this show is if she gets to be on the show. So it’s time for the new, Nev Skypes With The Wife segment. I kind of enjoy it. It’s cute actually.
When the guys go to meet with Kim and wait for Matt, Joseph is in the driveway. He says that Kim called to tell him
she needs more drugs that there were some things she hasn’t told them. He says they need to hear it from her. What is Joseph’s role in all of this? Oh, Joseph is Kim’s baby daddy. Joseph probably got his thousand dollars for the show too. Where did Joseph get the shiny white car? Wherever it came from, he took the kid and left in it.
Now we have a complete set of wooden lawn furniture in the driveway. WTF? This has got to be rented.
Kim admits it was her who bailed when Matt lived there a couple years ago because she went into labor. Kim is a horrible actress. Seriously. Kim can’t stop rocking back and forth.
The Meetup Near a Large Body of Water
En route to the park near a large body of water, Kim still looks high as fuck. When we get there, I see no large body of water! I am disappointed. Matt is hiding in a shady grove, so that is almost as creepy I suppose. Kim is weird as hell. She has her hands between her legs like she is going to pee herself. She’s rocking from side to side asking questions. He doesn’t have a girlfriend, he doesn’t take photos because he doesn’t like being on camera. She is tripping in the most literal sense of the word, in my opinion. She keeps crouching down like she is peeing her pants. Then she “takes a second” to go crouch a few feet away.” Matt says, “The hysterics are nice.” He seem to be feeling good as well.
This is the fakest shit Catfish has ever done, and that is saying a lot. She asks him if he really doesn’t like kids and he says it’s iffy. Then she says she has a two-year old, and asks him if he would like to be her godfather? She is REALLY high. And strange.
OH WAIT! There is the body of water. I knew it had to be there somewhere. She professes her undying love for him at a picnic table by a large body of water. Then she says this is all pointless and wants to go for a run by the river in jeans. Nev and Max are left with Matt now.
The Day Two Meetup
It’s time to introduce the potential godfather to his potential goddaughter. Because nothing says responsible decision making like an admitted drug addict picking a random guy she met off the Internet to be the godfather of her child. If she is twenty, with a two-year old, wouldn’t that make her a mom who was not only doing drugs and drinking in high school but getting knocked up as well? And talk to me about this baby daddy, Joseph again because this makes no sense.
So the godfather from Florida brings a stuffed animal for his possible god-daughter. Once inside, there is a new red chair for Max. Joe comes to rescue the baby. The happy couple goes to an ice cream shop to talk alone. Matt says he is not in a place for a relationships as his leg bobs up an down. Kim is doing the hair thing again. He is okay with helping her out with her kid and being her godfather. Really? This is such fucked up episode. He just wants to be friends.
As Nev says, “That was weird.”
OMG I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING! I JUST WOKE UP THE DAMN DOG! At the two month checking Kim says she is taking online classes. So that is good. When they ask what her career goals are, she says, “I’m going for surgeon.” Seriously, this is millennials today, Even when I was teaching first grade they would say they were either going to be a doctor or a lawyer. Okay, well maybe… but there are other occupations. You can be just fine as a blogger for example. 🙂 This girl has to be high. Your mother died when you were in high school, your father supposedly left you, you were in juvenile hall so you probably have a GED if you are lucky and you think you are taking online classes to be a surgeon? This is the most hysterical episode ever.
My DVR cut off before I got to see Matt. Which sucks because this was hysterical.
Before I had a chance to recap this weeks Catfish, someone sent me screen grabs of Kim’s sister Sonya on Facebook. She says that this entire story is made up. That Matt knew Kim had a kid. They both applied together on the Catfish website, they took the story knowing it was fake and made it even more scripted. Her sister was paid a whooping $1,000 (no mention of furniture) for the whole thing. She also says her sister is not going to visit Matt and they just said that to make it seem like they would remain friends. She also said that she is pissed that her niece was exploited as was her mother’s death and that her father never ran off anywhere and they both see him all the time.
I am going to reach out to Sonya because I am dying to know the details….
About the furniture.