I am telling you now I am not going to transcribe Siggy Flicker saying the same damn things over and over tonight. I’m irritated with her already and the show hasn’t even started yet.
Teresa oddly begs Andy for compliments and then randomly says she wants to make out with him. Andy reminds of for the billionth time that he fancies himself a great kisser. This is weird AF already.
The Melissa says that Joe works from five in the morning to seven at night. Where is this work happening? It makes no sense. We have entered a world free of logic and reason. Dolores starts talking about merkins. I am not making this up.
I would like to point out that Dolores’ boobs make me sort of queasy, I but I fear the wrath of Johnny. They look like they are going to explode. Like balloons that could be popped with a pin.
While I was trying to settle my tummy all hell broke loose between Margaret and Siggy. Margaret tells Siggy the only genuine thing she has said to her this entire season is that she wants to destroy her and she set out trying to do that all season. Siggy fires back with, “Yes I have! I’m an Israeli you’re messing with the wrong girl.” Dolores spits back, “Bring it!” Siggy responds, “I am!”
I am not recapping the vagina segment. I am over any and all vagina conversation on these ridiculous shows. Fittingly it is at that moment that Ramona calls Melissa. Andy takes the call. Apparently, she is obsessed with Melissa.
Teresa tries to defend her lack of discipline with her kids. She says that her kids have been through an awful lot lately and no other parents situations compare.
They talk about Teresa and Melissa’s volatile relationship. They both say they fight like sisters. Andy brings up Teresa’s lie about why Melissa could not visit her in prison. She claimed it was a paperwork issue when in reality she didn’t want her to see her in the pokey. She admits in her last book that she did ban her from visiting her.
Teresa cries in a montage about her mother. She says that her dad still goes to the cemetery every day. I think part of the reason that I am a bit crazier than normal this week is it was my mother’s birthday and my parents anniversary. You never really get over the loss of your parents. Teresa says she found writing her book about Joe cathartic. Teresa says there was never a moment when she thought about leaving Joe. THE LIES! THE LIES! She even talked about it on camera. And now she is meeting with a divorce lawyer. And yet. we are listening to fairy tales now about when Joe comes home when we all know he is not coming home. Teresa says that Italy is a beautiful place to live and whatever God has in store for her she will accept. Andy asked about the divorce rumors and about Joe being verbally abusive to her online. She responds, “Really was she on the phone with us? These fucking people, I can’t.” She says if Joe was abusive she would not stand for that and she always puts him in his place. Andy doesn’t pin her down and give an answer on the divorce question, because he sucks at interviews.
It time for Siggy and Margaret. Siggy just beams when she sees herself on TV. Even though she looks like a buffoon. Shouting ensues about bears in foyers and foyers with more selfies than Scheana Marie’s Instagram. Margaret sums everything up with Siggy takes everything to the next level.
Next, Danielle arrives and we discuss season one and Melissa says she has always liked Danielle and doesn’t think Danielle did anything wrong in season one. Melissa is delusional. Danielle says that when Christine was in school during season one, a boy came up to her, unzipped his pants and said, “Do what your mom does.” That is when Christine insisted that she be pulled out of that school. Teresa looks visibly uncomfortable. If I didn’t know better, I’d think that she feels bad about that.
Then Danielle, who is mother of the year, and trying not to embarrass her young daughters admits to having sex in the bathroom of the pizza place. Let’s all think for a minute how we would feel if our mother was on national TV talking about have sex in a public bathroom. Andy Cohen, who I suspect has seen a glory hole or two in his life, asks if that is a health code violation. Siggy and Dolores point out how disgusting this behavior is. I am temporarily in agreement with Siggy and it feels wrong. Dolores has warned Teresa about Danielle several times. It’s up to Teresa to take her advice or not. Danielle was literally on the show five minutes. She is so fired for next year.
I am hearing a noise in my kitchen. It better not be what it sounds like. There are two hoarder homes on either side of me that would make much better places for a rodent to live. Plus I have to sound things to scare them off. Okay, I just added another electronic rodent repellent to the kitchen. Voila. No more noise. I also made a bloody mary. That should help as well.
Siggy denies her online attacks where she told PETA to come for Maraget. I suppose that is all we are going to see about that due to legal actions.
Next up is cakegate. Nope. I was actually on Siggy’s side on this issue until she lost her mind. Next up, Siggy refuses to acknowledge that she publicly shamed Melissa at her party. Andy asks if she should apologize to Melissa. She says that she apologizes if Melissa felt embarrassed. When Margaret points out that is not an apology. Siggy calls Margaret thirsty. OMG. Who has a shrine to herself in her foyer that sets the tone of the interior design of the whole house? Siggy has been saying her IQ is higher than Einstein at 167.5. There are not fractions when it comes to IQs anyone who has been to college would know that. Siggy said she made that up to make people laugh. Margaret says just like your made up your career with no degree. Siggy says you don’t need to have a degree to be a relationship expert. Perhaps not but you should probably be able to get along with four other women on a TV show and have good relationships with your kids and your husband. We saw no evidence of that this season. In fact we saw her inability to respect her son’s boundaries and the daughter didn’t want to film with her at all. Siggy says that Dolores is just jealous about how much money she has and how successful she is. Today, there was an interestingly timed article about EDITED, I mistakenly said the foreclosure post was about Deloroes, it;s about Margaret, house being foreclosed on. I wonder how that information was leaked to a gossip site that pays for tips. Just another attempt by Siggy to destroy Margaret? Looks like she self destructed instead.
It’s time for Kim D and her grand entrance. Siggy maintains that she has been friends with Kim D. longer than the other women. Ladies and gentlemen, Kim D. has entered the building. And so has the old Teresa.
This was just as boring as the rest of the season.