It’s been a long week already but Vanderpump Rules is sure to soothe my weary heart. So far, this season has been popping. They’ve given us an interesting twist on an old classic by having Jax Taylor confess his cheating from the get-go. Now we really get to see behind the curtain of his manipulations. They’ve been working wonders on Brittany. Until she heard Totally Not In It For The Attention’s tape, that is. Just another party ruined by an illegal wire tap.
We pick right up with house warming party from hell. The hipsters are partying, hardily, unaware of the firestorm brewing on the balcony. Hearing Jax complain about her to his side piece finally kicks Brittany into action. She bursts through the door, calls for everyone’s attention and, in her best drunken Dorinda pantomime, threatens to play the tape over the speaker system. Jax flees faster than an idiot on a motorized cooler so you know the tape must be baaad. The whole room circles around Brittany, who is drunk girl wailing. First, Tom Sandoval mansplains why they shouldn’t play the tape. He stomps off in a huff when Ariana tells him to shut his mouth. Then James, Jax’s newest bff, complains that too many ladies are comforting Brittany. In the real world, people are encouraged to comfort friends in pain. In the Vanderpump Rulesociety, this is considered “getting her all worked up.” Because, bitches be cray. Lala, feminist hero, shouts him down mightily.
- He doesn’t want to marry her
- He’s never going to have children with her
- He’s not attracted to her anymore
- He doesn’t mind being with her per se, just not sexually
- Faith is the best sex he’s ever had
Brittany claims she’s done (she’s not). She rants. She raves. James, idiot savant, tries anew to tame the feminine fury. It’s even worse the second time around. He runs out of the apartment with his skinny jeans around his ankles while Stassi, Lala and Brittany spit fire in his wake.
In the Bubbasphere, Jax is gobsmacked. He’s put so much work into manipulating Brittany into forgiving him and now this. What’s a guy to do? James does a drive by and lets the boys know that Lala and Ariana played the tape for Brittany. Now the boys have someone to blame for this whole mess. Hallelujah! Let’s take the focus off of Jax and his wandering dick and point it where it truly belongs: those crazy bitches. Ariana and Kristen pick the perfect moment to enter stage right. Jax and Sandoval don’t wait a moment to pile on Ariana. How could she do this? What was she thinking? Can I just interrupt to say that I’m really enjoying watching the usually cool, calm and collected Ariana wasted? It’s kind of adorable. Ok, back to the fight. Tom Sandoval is a total douche. He lays the whole thing on Ariana, as if playing the tape is the worst offense in the whole debacle. Ariana can’t believe he’s taking Jax’s side over hers and storms away. Jax might get angry sex tonight but Sandoval definitely won’t.
James visits Lisa to plug his every other Tuesday night DJ extravaganza. He knows he needs a strong hook to pull a crowd on a Tuesday so he’s naming his parties See You Next Tuesday. He spells out S-E-E correctly so it’s klassy. Lisa pretends to be horrified. With that taken care of, they get to the real reason for James’ visit: to tell Lisa about the tape. Lisa pretends to be horrified. Etcetera, etcetera. The only item of any interest in this whole set up is James is now claiming he stole the recording from Faith. It goes against what he said at the party so I’m wondering if this is some kind of legal gambit to take the pressure off of Faith…
Lala, Ariana and Sandoval go to Scheana’s sad apartment for a breakfast of grocery store fruit platter and frozen bagels. Things are clearly still awkward between the Maddox-Sandovals. Nevertheless, Sandoval scolds the girls about the timing of their tape reveal. This turns into a huge, public fight. Unripe melon and a fighting couple. Great brunch, Scheana. Ariana suggests they break up. Tom wants an apology. I vote for the break up. You don’t talk that way to the keeper of The Hair.
Brittany is cleaning when Jax strolls in. He tells her he has no words about her actions the night before. Wait, what? Brittany apologizes for playing the tape. Wait, what? Jax starts yelling that she promised, as a woman, to keep their issues between them. She tries to explain the shock of what she heard made her freak out. Jax won’t give an inch. He tells her to take responsibility for her actions. WAIT, WHAT? Listen, I just can’t with these two. Brittany, you should be ashamed of yourself. The fact that you stay with him is embarrassing. I’m out.
At Lala’s fake job, she introduces us to Billie, the new hostess. She might look familiar. She was hogging major camera time at the housewarming party. They’re clearly auditioning her for the role of “trans character.” I’m in.
Ugh, Patrick is back. He likes Casamigos. Of course he does.
James brings Lala and Sandoval into the studio. Can you imagine the nightmare they’re recording? James is even more obnoxious as a recording star than a star DJ. Sandoval’s trumpet solo is just the icing on the cake.
Katie and Stassi sneak past Jax and his pillow fort to visit Brittany. Jax is icing Brittany out and it has her off-kilter. He is using every crayon in his box. Stassi can relate. She was in the same position six years ago. They practically beg Brittany to leave Jax. She just looks at them with her big eyes and blinks.
And then it’s SYNT. James acts as if it’s his triumphant return. It’s an all cast event, so the folks who aren’t working are there to enjoy the sexy soundscapes of DJ James Kennedy. Including Jax. Dun dun dun. Bravo hired a lot of extras so James is being very extra. And now I have to take back my earlier comment. Star DJ is definitely more annoying. Or as annoying? Either way, super duper annoying. But James is very pleased with himself. He kisses Lisa’s rings and then his own. He is the definition of Legend In His Own Mind.
Scheana didn’t get to throw down with Katie at the housewarming party so she decides to do it in the middle of SYNT. She asks Katie to kindly keep her boyfriend’s name out of her mouth. I don’t know what it is, but I think Scheana has lost her spark. She’s saying all the usual mean words but she almost seems bored. And she initiated conflict while Katie was sober. Rookie mistake. Everyone knows the easiest way to win a war is to challenge Tequila Katie. Instead, no one yells and nothing is resolved. What a dud.
Brittany tells Lisa all the intimate details of life with Jax, as one does with one’s boss. Lisa practically begs her to leave Jax. She even tells her she’ll still have a job on Vanderpump Rules if she does. Brittany just looks at LVP with her big eyes and blinks. She lurves her man.
I may have counted Scheana out too soon. Katie was only phase 1. Now she seeks words with Jen, the waitress who claimed to witness Robert’s stolen kisses. Jen has been on the show since the beginning. She was in Stassi’s second tier friend group until Stassi dumped Kristen and Katie and needed a new bff. And she was the lady with the baby who kneeled in Stassi’s tiny hallway “studio” and ogled her homemade statement necklaces. Good times. Well, tonight she’s getting more lines than she said on the first five seasons combined. And she’s taking full advantage of it. Jen tells Scheana that her friend told her that Robert kissed her. Like for reals. Scheana hears something else entirely because she tells us this proves Robert didn’t cheat. Poor sad, desperate Scheana.
I’m only going to mention Ariana and Sandoval making up because they do it the right way: in the alley. Like professionals.
Brittany tells her mom she’s going to give Jax another chance. But if he ever does anything like this again, that’s it. Yeah, right. She claims she’s so scared of her mother’s four divorces that she only wants to do it once. Sweetie, if you don’t want to get divorced, don’t marry a lying, cheating psychopath. Or do. I don’t care. This is on you now.
Next week: It’s Pride and Billie is front and center. Scheana tells her friends they’re too much drama. Scheana cries to Lisa that the mean girls are mean girling her. James and Lala get in a brutal fight that includes insulting each other’s others. Tan Mom surprises Brittany. And Jax.