Catfish: Alyssa And Tyler

If you are new to this site, welcome. I should warn you in advance that I am more into the formulaic plotline of these stories and the staging of the houses than the actual relationships themselves. Also, I am gobsmacked that there are still people this stupid in the world and firmly believe most of this shit is just made up for TV, so welcome. And I still love these episodes.

Alyssa is 20 years old and from Bumblefuck, Texas. It’s basically in Mexico according to the map. She met a “great guy from California” named Tyler and they have been on the phone everyday since. Red flag one, he lives as far away as possible and most 20 year old girls don’t fly alone. I did, but most think that is just crazy. It’s only crazy if you do it to meet some dude on the Internet. If you do it to fly to Jamaica or Charleston, it’s a really good idea. Though I hated Jamaica. I was too poor to stay in safe places at the time.

Same old catfish red flags, they made plans to meet multiple times and he back out, they’ve never video chatted, they have only seen each other in photos. Blah, blah, blah. Oh wait, this is new, they have never even talked on the phone! I should point out here that I am very close to someone I met online and I’ve never talked to him on the phone either, but it is a not a romantic love, and I’ve exchanged things with him and he owns a company and everything checks out. I took his number to a job conference once in case I needed on the spot advice, but I really don’t know his number anymore and don’t want to because I don’t want to drunk call him in the middle of the night. Plus as you know, I am the Luddite blogger with no cell phone because I hate the phone.  But she is 20 and in love so this makes no sense. She’s never bothered to look him up on social media. Really? This is insane.

Alyssa’s parents would not allow filming at their house, probably because of all of the staging that goes on, they hang lights from the ceiling that could cause damage, they clean, they bring in new furniture, etc.  Anyway, they are meeting a her friend’s mother’s house. For reasons I don’t understand, only the catfish gets the new couches usually, and since they are borrowing a house they just paid the owner a filming fee. It’s usually about $1,000 to $2000 a day to use a random house to film. We are sticking with beige walls this year. I am still unclear on whether they repaint or just CGI. I think it varies. Painting is a lot cheaper than CGI so I guess it is up to the homeowner.

Blah, blah, blah she loves him so much.  Wait, actually these couches do look new, and the chairs, so maybe the homeowner had a different catalog to choose from. It’s tacky but new. She tells Nev and Max that her friend suggested that she get on some local chat room. She did and immediately Tyler friended her because they both had family problems. Ah, so it is the friend. That is why they can’t talk on the phone, clearly it is someone local. Her friend just wanted to vent without being upfront. Also she mentioned her friends abandoned her because her parents are too strict.

Red flag, friend dying of pancreatic cancer. Red flag, guy takes lots of selfies. The guys don’t mince words. She is not talking to the guy in the photos. She seems to know that and his appearance doesn’t matter. Then they say it is probably her friend that told her to go on the site, Mary.  Max points out Mary Tyler Moore is a famous name. They are sure it is the friend. Since they admit that upfront, it is probably not Mary.

The Ridiculously Simple Internet Search

This week on the ridiculously easy internet search, production has told Nev to search “hot teenaged boy abs.” Was that the agreement they made with the guy whose photos are being used because otherwise, no way his photos are the top three search entries. Dolores’s kid from RHONY would come up well before this kid who is gayer than James Kennedy on Vanderpump Rules.

They find a guy who is of course not the guy in the photo. But the phone number matches up to what they think is his mother’s phone number because it has the same last name. He lives in Sacramento, but is a huge Cowboys fan.

Nev’s wife is now on the show now, calling in for updates. She gives him a big clue. Imagine that. She tells him to run the phone number on the site Alyssa met Tyler on. All kinds of profiles come up. I can’t believe how smart production Nev’s wife is. It’s like she is a rocket scientist.

So they go tell the idiot what they found. Hilariously they rub it in as much as possible. “The person totally just googled hot teen with abs.” They also said it looks like he has lots of profiles that he fucks with people with. Are people actually this dumb? I’m going with maybe. Some people are desperate.

Followed by the call from Nev to the reluctant catfish where they pretend not to want to do it but do it anyway. 

Tyler texts them saying he is off to class at the moment. So they still have not spoken to “him” on the phone. Nev says they are on the way to see him so he should make some time for them. That is the oddest catfish thing ever. Either he is avoiding them or they are giving them a heads up on the meet. WTF?

So off we go to Sacramento.

The Initial Meet In A Public Park Near A Large Body Of Water

On the car ride over, Alyssa asks “why me?” which is an excellent question. But an even better one is why did Alyssa wear shorts and a tank top on a plane, and why is she being taken straight to the park next to a large body of water without being allowed to gussie up a bit before meeting the love of her life. What is wrong with production? I personally think it was because she had the audacity to wear spandex shorts. But, as a fellow fat chick, um, I suppose I say more power to her???

Tyler is of course not the guy in the photo. He does not have hard abs, but instead a large gut. Other than that everything is true, so why no phone, that would have helped him so much? He loves Alyssa. It’s kind of cute. He’s just a guy who prefers texting and he feels like if Alyssa knew what he looked like, which by the way was some adolescent, anorexic teen, she would not have liked him Are you kidding? These two are perfect for each other! This is a love story happening!  He claims to have no clue about the other profiles He loves her. Alyssa doesn’t believe him about the other profiles and goes off to cry on Max’s shoulder.

She goes back out to talk to him. She asks, “Why me?” He says because she is really special to him. He has no idea about the other profiles. Max begs him to come clean. He swears that he has no idea about the other profiles. He wanders off to cry. Alyssa goes after him. But then she reads the script about how his profiles don’t add up to her. She sends him packing. Both Nev and Max ask her if he comes clean about the other accounts, would she date him? She says yes.

The Second Day Visit

Oh! New couches and lamps at the catfish’s house. I kind of like the cloth couch choice and it gives us more budget for really nice lamps! I also want whatever that really expensive surfboard carved out thing is.

Anyway, Max is all…if you don’t want to own up to all of your online identies, we can all leave and you can just tell Alyssa. So they go. Alyssa is not receptive to him and when he asks for a hug she says he can walk her out. It’s a sad ending.

Two months later, Alyssa says Tyler is not respecting her request not to contact her. They are not talking. Tyler says it has been rough and he misses her and he wants to confess to all the profiles. He just used them to play games and he just wanted to like her. She says she is hurt and just wants to move forward.

I think these two belong together. Don’t you?