I actually look forward to Vanderpump Rules. It’s definitely the best thing about Mondays. While making dinner, as my anticipation grew, I joked to myself, “I wonder who is going to get caught cheating tonight?” And then I remembered: Rob! I guess it’s not a real relationship if he’s not cheating on you.
The new episode picks up a few hours after
Stassi’s fake party planning debut Guillermo’s birthday party. The Toms and Jax have called an emergency session of Cheater’s Anonymous in the Schwartz-Maloney apartment. Katie storms in, trailed by Ariana and Stassi, and promptly kicks Jax out. Jax has never been more eager to flee. Not only will he miss hours of Katie’s shrill screaming but now he gets to fall into Brittany’s arms as the second worst person in their friend group. It’s a position Jax rarely occupies and he’s going to enjoy it while he can. The fact that he leaves riding a motorized cooler just reminds us what a lucky girl Brittany is. The arrival of Kristen and Carter means the flaying of Tom Schwartz is about to begin. We’re all expecting a Tequila Katie ragefest so her passive-aggressive tears hit harder than any biting words ever could. Well played, Katie. When they zig, you zag.
Lala’s first scene in her new fake job is with Lauren, the girl who ran screaming from the cameras when her boyfriend (and the rest of Sexy Unique Restaurant) found out she slept with James Kennedy. Ah, memories. In a totally unscripted move, Katie pulls Lala aside for a summit meeting. I have to be honest with you, I’m having a hard time following their conversation because THEY’RE NOT IN THE ALLEY. What the hell? I think this is the first time in six seasons that an important conversation hasn’t taken place in the alley. Do they understand the precedent they’re setting? Do they not have any respect for history? Ugh. Anyway, because they’re made from the same spiteful clay, Katie accepts Lala’s tit for tat reason for spilling the Schwartz cheating story. She doesn’t take as kindly to finding out Tom called his side piece Bubba. Now his tattoo will mock her for all eternity.
Ever since Brittany stopped listening to her friends about what an asshat Jax is, they’re getting along great. They even decide to throw a housewarming party. Brittany is a little concerned it will be uncomfortable but Jax knows how easily their friends are bought. An open bar and some Taco Bell and these fools will find someone else to eviscerate. At least for one night.
Lisa Vanderpump sure loves to get all up in her employee’s business. First she meets with Katie, who tries to convince her to not hold Schwartz’s cheating against him. In case that wasn’t clear enough, let me say it again: Katie (the wife Tom Schwartz cheated on) begs LVP (her boss) to not punish Tom (the cheater) for cheating. Yeah. Then she sits down with Stassi so they can disect the Jax and Brittany conundrum. Listen, I’m as mystified as Lisa is about the whole thing but watching her talk about it with Stassi helps explain all of those hostile workplace lawsuits she gets.
Absinthe is the new Tito’s. And that’s all I have to say about Sandoval, Schwartz and Jax’s boys night.
Over drinks, Brittany tells Katie and Kristen that she loves Jax too much to not try and make it work. The tears in Kristen’s eyes say it all. Moving on to bitchier climes, Katie has decided that Scheana manipulated Lala into spilling the Schwartz cheating tea. She knew what would happen when she told Lala the mean things Katie said about her. Unpacking that circular logic is best left to the geniuses at NASA so Katie opts for revenge. Scheana shouldn’t throw stones if her boyfriend is kissing other girls.
Scheana has an intimate dinner party at Rob’s house. As she wanders around, setting things up, she makes sure to throw Shay under the bus. Again. And again. And again. Sandoval is really into Rob. Like really, really into Rob. But he’s an idiot because Rob is the worst. Okay, he’s no Patrick but he’s certainly not the big prize these fools make him out to be either. Scheana jokes that they can’t get married until July. If he wasn’t so thirsty for the cameras, Rob would run screaming.
Schwartz stumbles home, smelling of absinthe, and offers Katie an apology gift: a painting he made of Tom Sandoval. Way to read a room, Tom. Sitting under their annoying spray painted Bubba graffiti art, Katie confronts Schwartz about his indiscriminate use of their nickname. For one brief moment, Schwartz’s brain cells spark into action and he wonders aloud if people are taking advantage of his blackout to add salacious untruths. It quickly devolves into a fight over boys nights. Katie reminds him they’re married. He’s not married to his friends. Schwartz calls that the dumbest statement he’s ever heard in his life and the camera focuses in on his painting of Sandoval.
Ariana and Lala go shopping for stripper wear. Ariana spills the reason behind her lack of sex life with Sandoval: ever since a previous abusive relationship, she doesn’t want anything in or near her vagina. Lala instructs her to not only love all the parts of her body, but to tell them she loves them. Daily. For a brief moment, we see beyond Lala’s plastic, Hip Hop facade and I kind of like her. It won’t last but it’s nice.
Tom and Katie go to Vanderpump Dogs for free advertising and so Schwartz can kiss LVP’s feet. He doesn’t quite get what her issue is but he knows well enough to just keep repeating, “I’m sorry.” It’s interesting that Lisa hears that word so much more often than Katie does.
Scheana doesn’t know that her and Kristen’s invite to help Brittany set up her party is actually an intervention. It’s totes serious but before Kristen can even get the full Rob cheated story out, Scheana laughs it off. Even Kristen’s I know it for a fact makes no difference. Scheana is the queen of delusion. There’s no way through that veneer. The crazy inside Kristen was promised drama so when Scheana refuses to play, she drops the bombshell that this is all revenge for goading Lala into hurting Katie. Yikes! Now Scheana is pissed beyond words. It looks like Jax’s plan for this party might work after all.
And then the party is in full swing. They play spin the bottle with liquor instead of kissing. Schwartz watches jealously from across the room. He’s on a time-out and it’s killing him. Everyone else gets wasted. Jax complains that Scheana is on her phone. Scheana is too self-absorbed to notice that Stassi is ignoring her. James tries to join the bromance by kissing Schwartz. Sandoval beat boxes while James raps. Basically, it’s a nightmare.
Jax gets drunk enough for introspection. Carter is the unlucky party guest that gets caught listening to his tales of woe. It only gets worse for Carter when Brittany sloshes in. Jax immediately turns aggressive. They slur their way through a ridiculous fight that ends with Jax discounting Brittany’s feelings once again. Lala overhears it and gets heated. She decides Jax needs to pay so she tells Brittany she has audio of Jax slagging her off to Faith. Not too long ago, TT made a post about some of Faith’s dodgy actions. Taping Jax without his knowledge should definitely be added to that list. Brittany decides she needs to hear it. It must be pretty bad because she stops the party to kick Jax out. He leaves without a second glance. He knows this is serious.
Next week: It’s James Kennedy’s triumphant return to Pump (twice a month on Tuesdays). Brittany tells Lisa she wants Jax fired. Sandoval blames Ariana for Brittany hearing the audio and they consider breaking up over it.