Here we go with the penultimate episode of this shit show. Oddly, I have been secretly watching The Bachelor tonight, since the fabulous Lady C is covering Vanderpump Rules. Now it’s time to watch this shitty knockoff of the show. It’s been a day of one calamity after another, so somehow this show seems fitting.
When we pick back up, Bella is explaining to Shep that she has been called back to work, and she’s going to have to go. Shep immediately starts putting pressure on her to stay, and basically making her second guess keeping her job. Which is ridiculous because this is all a farse. As they are having a very serious conversation, production sends the dolphin over with two pieces of cake. She presents them both to him saying she thought he should have his cake and eat it two. God I despise this creature. Why is she on this show?
Sarah tells Shep that he has three women left and he has to make a decision. Meanwhile, Bella is thinking of going to NYC and then flying back to see him.
Cameran and Shep go shopping for $5,000 lawnmowers. I should point out that Shep has a beach house. There are hardly any blades of grass on the property. The beach side is sand, and the rest of it has a ton of concrete for parking on and like a little area or two with some palm trees. No one has a lawnmower. They have a lawn service. The guy comes and cuts what little bit of grass there may be, tends to the palm trees, and trims hedges and such. Why is this show so ridiculous?
After trying out the lawnmower, which was nothing more than a commercial for the store, he and Cameron are sitting outside on lawnmowers talking about the girls. Shep’s foot cannot stay still. He seems really amped up on something. Shep is finally realizing that Kylie and her goals of being Miss USA don’t fit in with his plan.
Kylie leaves for NYC but not before letting the other girls know Shep really didn’t want her to leave. I’m trying to figure out what beach they are on. I know it is not IOP where Shep lives. The last three girls confront Shep about his feeling for Bella. He tells them they are all “rad.” For the last place, each of the last three girls will have their own apartment. So it’s time for the overnight bang card.
Shep and Peyton talk by the pool while Priscila and Kylie make breakfast. Shep wants to do a body shot. Priscila doesn’t see why Shep is interested in Peyton. I do. She’s young, dumb, and into him. Or at least into him enough to try to be on Southern Charm. After all, isn’t this really one big casting call for the role of Shep’s girlfriend? Why yes, yes it is.
The next day, Petyon heads off to her new apartment without telling anyone goodbye. Shep takes Priscila shopping on Meeting Street. I’m sad that I don’t know any of these places anymore. Charleston has gotten really, really fancy and expensive. When I was a kid I used to go camping on Isle of Palms with my parents. I think it was called Sand Dollar Campground. Those who are familiar with present day Isle of Palms are probably familiar with Wild Dunes, the huge fancypants gated resort that is on my beloved camp ground now. Shep buys them both new shirts. Shep almost looks washed in this clean shirt. I am not happy with the rooftop restaurant. Beef carpaccio ? Who orders that in Charleston? Priscila says she wonders what he is like as a boyfriend. Shep wonders the same. Priscila points out that a 37-year-old man who doesn’t know what he would be like as a boyfriend is a huge red flag. Priscila makes out with him anyway. This is a casting couch after all.
We cut to an exterior shot of what is purported to be Shep’s house. Not a single blade of grass in the front yard. Nary a one. Then we see Shep at a dunk tank. My mother consistently told me from a young age that I had no athletic ability. She said I could not hit the broad side of a barn with a ball. I was seven. She should have told Shep that as well. He was nowhere close to hitting the target. I also don’t think this date is actually in Charleston. When Peyton shows up, he actually manages to dunk the girl. Apparently, they are in Charleston at a Riverdogs Baseball Game. Shep is drunk and obnoxious. I think I’d take beef carpaccio over this. They shockingly make it on to the “Kiss Cam” Then Peyton and Shep take their bag of boiled peanuts and beach chairs to watch the fireworks from centerfield. Did I mention Shep is drunk as hell?
The next morning, Shep calls Kylie and asks her out for a boat cruise. His leg bounced like crazy the entire phone call. Kylie is terrified of water so this should be fun for her. She’s never been on a boat in the ocean before. She doesn’t know how to swim. Shep continues to wonder at Kylie’s naiveté. She’s barely 21 Shep. You could be her dad. Shep tells Sarah that there could not be anyone more unlike Shep. She needs to get to steppin’. Shep tells Kylie that his is like a pirate going causing trouble and breaking rules. Kylie is straight-laced. He needs a partner in crime. Kylie is 21 and thinks she could have fixed him.
And then there were two. And I am mericfully done in time to watch my Dawgs win the national championship. I was super distracted by the game and that is the cause of the extra typos.
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS?!!!!