Bravo is starting the new year off on a good foot with a brand new episode of Vanderpump Rules. Bring on the buffoonery! Bring on the inflated egos! Bring on the deep fried goat cheese balls! We gotta keep this party rolling.
Scheana, Katie and Stassi spend the night at Brittany’s apartment after their rollicking “We Hate Jax” party. In the middle of their Taco Bell hangover cure, Jax storms in. He’s furious that his safe space is full Jax haters. He goes full-on rage monster. When he tells Brittany that her party agenda shows she’s obviously not as devastated as she claims, it’s a step too far. She slaps and pushes him while the other girls watch in glee. He turns his anger on Scheana (divorce-o), Katie (no descriptor necessary) and Stassi (kicked off every dating website she joins). He claims everything was fine until they got in Brittany’s head. Because he’s the #1 guy in controlling her mind.
The Toms are called to Villa Rosa for their “Will She or Won’t She” meeting with Lisa. Production winks at the fourth wall by showing Lisa and Ken bitching about the delay while the boys film a scene in their driveway. When the Toms finally saunter in, Lisa reads them the riot act before agreeing to move forward with the deal. The only problem now is the boys can’t afford the buy-in she’s offering. After negotiating their way from 10% for $120,000 to 5% for $50,000, the partners shake hands. Schwartz can’t decide if he should get a ring or a tattoo to immortalize the union. Instead, we have to watch the Toms dance to Sandoval’s ridiculous “Touch in Public” song. Thanks, Bravo.
Lala is taking Scheana on a private jet to Vegas so Ariana joins them in Scheana’s
master bedroom closet for a filmed packing session. Is Lala really wearing a Lala t-shirt? I need to know. Scheana makes sure to share Katie’s snotty comments about Lala’s “sugar daddy, married boyfriend.” You know, about how she’d NEVER go on his private jet. Lala is pissed. So she shares the text she got from a friend about making out with Tom Schwartz while he was married. Gasp! Even worse, he called this other girl Bubba. Double gasp!
Jax and Tom Schwartz meet up to recap the Brittany beat down but I have to admit I’m a little more interested in their fried guacamole than the conversation. Jax claims that once Brittany’s friends left, she “calmed down” and agreed to work things out. Is anyone surprised? No, me neither. Jax thinks she should give him a pass. It’s not like he liked another girl. It was just a case of him taking his aggression out “on something else.” Ok, I think I’ve finally reached my saturation point with Brittany. If she chooses to spend the rest of her life with a guy who thinks like this, she’s complicit. I refuse to feel bad for her anymore. #sorrynotsorry.
This episode is heavy on Stassi’s fake party planning storyline. The farce begins at Villa Rosa where Lisa mentors Stassi on what it takes to throw a soigné event. I may be a bit long in the tooth but I’d appreciate a mentorship that comes with a black card. Just saying. Stassi pretends picking up flowers, a cake, and a camera are exhausting. Fake work is hard. She spends more time dressing for the party than setting it up and before you know it, the party is in full swing. It’s an all cast event (minus the private jet girls). Even Kristen and Carter are there (apparently the ban has been lifted). As the newbie, Brittany is the only one surving. Lisa is relieved Stassi took her advice. I guess adding polaroid images to the guestbook really takes a party up a notch. Since it’s the only thing of any interest going on this season, everyone wants to talk to Brittany about Jax. She gets flustered and starts to cry. She informs everyone she’s no longer discussing it. She needs time for
Jax to tell her what to think to figure things out for herself.
James and Jax meet at an Absinthe bar. James “I don’t drink” Kennedy orders the strongest one on the menu. He hopes to woo Jax with his party prowess. The editors do me a solid and show the absinthe kicking both of their asses. They get white girl wasted and do all the pathetic “I’m so high” tricks we all did in high school. These two are too stupid for words.
With the Jax/Brittany/Faith dilemma a nonstarter, it’s up to Ariana to kick off drama at the Sur party. While Katie brags to Lisa about her great marriage (shades of Scheana, anyone?), she pulls an already drunk Schwartz into the alley to discuss his cheating. Dum dum dum dum. It’s a weird conversation, even for this show. Clearly, Schwartz isn’t just drunk. They settle on “I don’t remember” and Schwartz gets upset this is happening TO HIM. Le sigh. When Katie asks where he’s been, he’s too wasted to cover for himself and blurts it out, In front of everyone. As fact. Katie tries to maintain a Scheana facade but loses it when she finds out Lala knows. Schwartz is stuck in an “I don’t remember” loop, Sandoval blames himself (it did happen on his watch, after all) and the girls retreat to the alley.
No one wants to believe it because, Lala, but Schwartz stated it as fact so they’re stuck in a bind. Katie asks if this is karmic retribution. Her girlfriends lie and say no. Schwartz stumbles out and pulls a Jax by accusing the girls of getting Katie riled up. Katie finally loses her top. Schwartz thinks repeating, “I have no memory of it” somehow clears him. Katie takes the drama back inside so Lisa can get involved. LVP feels personally insulted. She stayed in a shit hole 4 star hotel, ironed her own dress, and officiated their marriage just for him to throw things away so easily? Schwartz tries to justify his blunder by informing his new business partner that he likes to get drunk and do stupid things. Like telling his business partner he likes to get drunk and do stupid things. And then he tries to kiss Lisa. Wow.
Next week: While Scheana is planning her 2nd wedding (before her divorce is finalized), Rob gets caught cheating. Tom and Katie’s fight continues. Jax and Brittany have a housewarming party, as one does when they’re breaking up. Lala brings audio of Jax and Faith boning as a hostess gift.