Bravo is starting the new year off on a good foot with a brand new episode of Vanderpump Rules. Bring on the buffoonery! Bring on the inflated egos! Bring on the deep fried goat cheese balls! We gotta keep this party rolling.
Scheana, Katie and Stassi spend the night at Brittany’s apartment after their rollicking “We Hate Jax” party. In the middle of their Taco Bell hangover cure, Jax storms in. He’s furious that his safe space is full Jax haters. He goes full-on rage monster. When he tells Brittany that her party agenda shows she’s obviously not as devastated as she claims, it’s a step too far. She slaps and pushes him while the other girls watch in glee. He turns his anger on Scheana (divorce-o), Katie (no descriptor necessary) and Stassi (kicked off every dating website she joins). He claims everything was fine until they got in Brittany’s head. Because he’s the #1 guy in controlling her mind.
The Toms are called to Villa Rosa for their “Will She or Won’t She” meeting with Lisa. Production winks at the fourth wall by showing Lisa and Ken bitching about the delay while the boys film a scene in their driveway. When the Toms finally saunter in, Lisa reads them the riot act before agreeing to move forward with the deal. The only problem now is the boys can’t afford the buy-in she’s offering. After negotiating their way from 10% for $120,000 to 5% for $50,000, the partners shake hands. Schwartz can’t decide if he should get a ring or a tattoo to immortalize the union. Instead, we have to watch the Toms dance to Sandoval’s ridiculous “Touch in Public” song. Thanks, Bravo.
Lala is taking Scheana on a private jet to Vegas so Ariana joins them in Scheana’s master bedroom closet for a filmed packing session. Is Lala really wearing a Lala t-shirt? I need to know. Scheana makes sure to share Katie’s snotty comments about Lala’s “sugar daddy, married boyfriend.” You know, about how she’d NEVER go on his private jet. Lala is pissed. So she shares the text she got from a friend about making out with Tom Schwartz while he was married. Gasp! Even worse, he called this other girl Bubba. Double gasp!
Jax and Tom Schwartz meet up to recap the Brittany beat down but I have to admit I’m a little more interested in their fried guacamole than the conversation. Jax claims that once Brittany’s friends left, she “calmed down” and agreed to work things out. Is anyone surprised? No, me neither. Jax thinks she should give him a pass. It’s not like he liked another girl. It was just a case of him taking his aggression out “on something else.” Ok, I think I’ve finally reached my saturation point with Brittany. If she chooses to spend the rest of her life with a guy who thinks like this, she’s complicit. I refuse to feel bad for her anymore. #sorrynotsorry.
This episode is heavy on Stassi’s fake party planning storyline. The farce begins at Villa Rosa where Lisa mentors Stassi on what it takes to throw a soigné event. I may be a bit long in the tooth but I’d appreciate a mentorship that comes with a black card. Just saying. Stassi pretends picking up flowers, a cake, and a camera are exhausting. Fake work is hard. She spends more time dressing for the party than setting it up and before you know it, the party is in full swing. It’s an all cast event (minus the private jet girls). Even Kristen and Carter are there (apparently the ban has been lifted). As the newbie, Brittany is the only one surving. Lisa is relieved Stassi took her advice. I guess adding polaroid images to the guestbook really takes a party up a notch. Since it’s the only thing of any interest going on this season, everyone wants to talk to Brittany about Jax. She gets flustered and starts to cry. She informs everyone she’s no longer discussing it. She needs time for Jax to tell her what to think to figure things out for herself.
James and Jax meet at an Absinthe bar. James “I don’t drink” Kennedy orders the strongest one on the menu. He hopes to woo Jax with his party prowess. The editors do me a solid and show the absinthe kicking both of their asses. They get white girl wasted and do all the pathetic “I’m so high” tricks we all did in high school. These two are too stupid for words.
With the Jax/Brittany/Faith dilemma a nonstarter, it’s up to Ariana to kick off drama at the Sur party. While Katie brags to Lisa about her great marriage (shades of Scheana, anyone?), she pulls an already drunk Schwartz into the alley to discuss his cheating. Dum dum dum dum. It’s a weird conversation, even for this show. Clearly, Schwartz isn’t just drunk. They settle on “I don’t remember” and Schwartz gets upset this is happening TO HIM. Le sigh. When Katie asks where he’s been, he’s too wasted to cover for himself and blurts it out, In front of everyone. As fact. Katie tries to maintain a Scheana facade but loses it when she finds out Lala knows. Schwartz is stuck in an “I don’t remember” loop, Sandoval blames himself (it did happen on his watch, after all) and the girls retreat to the alley.
No one wants to believe it because, Lala, but Schwartz stated it as fact so they’re stuck in a bind. Katie asks if this is karmic retribution. Her girlfriends lie and say no. Schwartz stumbles out and pulls a Jax by accusing the girls of getting Katie riled up. Katie finally loses her top. Schwartz thinks repeating, “I have no memory of it” somehow clears him. Katie takes the drama back inside so Lisa can get involved. LVP feels personally insulted. She stayed in a shit hole 4 star hotel, ironed her own dress, and officiated their marriage just for him to throw things away so easily? Schwartz tries to justify his blunder by informing his new business partner that he likes to get drunk and do stupid things. Like telling his business partner he likes to get drunk and do stupid things. And then he tries to kiss Lisa. Wow.
Next week: While Scheana is planning her 2nd wedding (before her divorce is finalized), Rob gets caught cheating. Tom and Katie’s fight continues. Jax and Brittany have a housewarming party, as one does when they’re breaking up. Lala brings audio of Jax and Faith boning as a hostess gift.
This show is so trashy, and I’m so embarrassed to admit I love it. Lala’s the bone carrier…welcome back, Lala!
P.S.: Schwartz needs rehab more than Jax.
God I do love Lala now.
What did you do to deserve this Katie? Talked fucking trash about other people’s relationships, continually talked in a brutal manner to your pussy whipped husband, and were outright mean girl to supposed friends because you are mad you aren’t as skinny as you used to be.
You want to be Lisa… you never will be. LVP has some mean girl tendencies, but she would NEVER be as fucking judgmental as you.
OMG, I totally agree with everything you said! Lala is priceless.
Schwartz has to be so miserable married to Katie, but he let himself get bulldogged into marrying her when they had no chemistry and she had to remain so ‘pure’ until after that stupid wedding. I get that he’s married, but he was so drunk that night he probably just reacted to a warm breathing girl that was laughing and into him for the moment anyway so he kissed her. Probably not something he gets a lot of at home. Sullen is Katie’s middle name. Their marriage could probably be annulled for a lot of reasons.
I agree on Schwartz. At least he didn’t lie and deny it. He just lied and said he didn’t remember. Is that better or worse?? Either way, it’s pathetic.
Beyond pathetic. He is such a spineless worm and almost has a stroke every time a decision has to be made on anything. Cannot for the life of me understand this partnership with him and the other Tom and LVP. Totally insane on her part. She has to have an ulterior motive.
Another spin-off??
God help us if you are right…it’s all about the money. If she gets paid enough she’ll do it. But, how boring would it be? Major trainwreck waiting to happen.
I mean… I still watch this but I do have some standards. I couldn’t bring myself to watch the Jax and Brittany spin off. I don’t have many brain cells to spare with my plate full of Bravo viewing.
My gut is it will be a spin off. The Pump “Kids” are getting a little old for their antics. Time for a new direction. Who am I kidding. It’s Bravo!
“LVP has some mean girl tendencies, but she would NEVER be as fucking judgmental as you.”
At least in front of cameras. LOL
It seems both Toms are more compatible than Schwartz is in his marriage because it’s always some mess. Sandoval seems to make him more happy than his wife ☕️
Schwartz and Ariana seem to care more about Sandoval’s physical and mental well being than Katie does.
I love that crazy show Happy New Year to us.
I agree about Brittany being complicit. At her age I did the exact same thing with one guy for YEARS. She loves to act like she is so done but always goes back. I no longer feel sorry for her at all. Jax has alwats been a dirtbag since season one and her own mother encouraged her to pursue him. Nothing has changed and it seems like Brittany is just desperate to marry him no matter what. We only see the women he gets caught cheating with, imagine how many he gets away with.
“We only see the women he gets caught cheating with, imagine how many he gets away with.” – excellent point!
yep, totally agree and one of these days I’d like to bet some ‘selfies’ start to show up in social media that he won’t remember being taken ’cause he was either too drunk and/or whatever and it will be interesting to see if she continues to hang in there.
Does Brittany remind anyone of Jax’s short term girlfriend Laura Leigh?
Ah NO. She doesn’t. That chick was nuts! Brittany is kind of a ding dong (aren’t I nice) but she isn’t anything like Laura-Leigh.
Low self esteem was what I was thinking.
That birthday cake was HIDEOUS! It looked like it came from a bodega. And chocolate with raspberry filling is a classic. If Stasi can’t do better, she does not have a future in party planning.
The cake shop (sweet lady Jane) is actually a pretty well-known and pricey one in LA. And their chocolate raspberry is ah-mazing! Are there more fancy pastry chefs for hire out there? Yeah, sure. But it’s a pretty solid choice, especially for the sorta rich and famous who want something with name recognition.
Thanks LadyCocotte.
I’m seeing hints of beginning of the end. Brittany and Jax, Tom and Arianna, Katie and Tom, really none have very good storylines.
And they are definitely ageing out. What, are we going to have VDP babies?
Appreciate the recap, though. And will continue to watch, lol.
I thought Absinthe is illegal?
I assumed they were calling licorice liqueur “absinthe” for the cachet but the google says it was legalized in 2007. Go know.
I don’t think it has the hallucinogenic woodworm extract any more – the one you can purchase just has really strong liquor. Well that what they told me in New Orleans!!
Why is James back? Let him flounder in his lies.
not any more
oops – that was in response to the absinthe question
“And then he tries to kiss Lisa.”
WAIT! WHAT! How did I miss that?
It was a quick, drunken lunge. Hysterical.
That was bizarre! I watched it 3X and wasn’t sure WTH was going on. Lisa didn’t seem to have words – she just took off in another direction.
It was towards the end before Lisa walked away from both Toms. It was that kinda nervous tick thing he does, it was quick, but Lisa pulled back and Sandoval was embarrassed. So was I cuz it was totally awkward.
Yes, I rewound twice, couldn’t believe it. He’s not just drunk. I’d be very worried about any “busines” investment if I were LVP. (Ah…if I were LVP….?)
Did Lisa take a picture of between her legs and say “cause it’s his birthday?” For the book.
Yes she upskirted herself with a polaroid. That was really classy
My schadenfreud is acting up and I’m THRILLED Tom is still messy. Katie is a sanctimonious cunt.
I love this comment so much!!
All of it seems so contrived. Except Schwartz being a complete tool. I too have no pity for Twitanny. She has already accepted Jax and good riddance to any self esteem she may have ever had.
Am I the only one that thinks all these men on this show seem to be GAY? In my world, I’ve never seen men dress and act like these do. Katy is a mess and so are both Toms……..hell all are a mess……..even LVP is disappointing sticking that camera between her legs. What was she thinking? TRASHY all of it.
I mean, I don’t know where you’ve been hiding but welcome to 2018. ALL men dress like gays now. As a gay man, I have literally looked at straight men and thought, “Humph. Too gay for me.”
However, I will admit that some are definitely gay. I think James Kanye West and Jax’s night out ended with at LEAST some sloppy fellatio.
My Texan daughter went to college in L.A. and was always complaining “I just can’t tell if these guys are gay or just Californian!” HA! Not just the way they dressed, but so in touch with their feelings, etc.
So, Amanda, it depends on where you are from. If you’re watching this from Texas, then hell yeah! If you’re in Cali then “Naw, brah.”
I thought women wanted men that were in touch with their own feelings, but whadda I know? I’m a gay man transplanted from Alabama to southern California for the last 15 years… that being said I sometimes, still, ask myself the same question as your daughter haha! Actually, I much prefer a man with self-realization/awareness. I don’t need all the extra mushiness.
BOOM! Highly entertaining recap on all points The Lady Cocotte. Laughed my ass off at your recap.
Every week we’ll have a new cheater it seems. I know this is mean, but I’m excited for Rob to be caught cheating next week. I can’t stand Scheana, the flaunting of this relationship and the jabs at Mike seem so tacky.
Also if my husband so casually said he didn’t remember making out with girls while he was out with his buddies, I would be very worried. What else doesn’t he remember, and as a grown man that is not an excuse. His immaturity in just blurting it out in front of everyone was embarrassing. If it is storyline and was scripted it really cheapens their relationship to me (not like I thought they had a very strong relationship to begin with). Can’t wait to see the drama unfold next week
I kept thinking his cheating & not remembering was a storyline. Their “acting” seemed off
Don’t think it’s immaturity, I think it’s a character issue. Jax is easily identifiable for what he is because he doesn’t bother to hide it. Schwartz hides behind his overaged adolescent routine, but his actions tell the story.
Schwartz is a very bad actor.
Schwartz is super insecure. He can’t even make it through a shift bartending.
It may be his upbringing. I don’t know if his family was just unambitious or if they were unsupportive, but remember when his brothers came to his wedding? Three guys in their 30’s still living at home who couldn’t pay their own airfare to come to their brother’s wedding, nor did they own any suits or dress shirts.
Jax and Sandoval had to get plane tickets and clothes for them.
I can’t be the only one that heard Lala ask Scheana and Ariana if Kati was looking yo get popped (along with gun to head hand gesture)?
I thought I saw that also.
I thought that was inappropriate, even for gangsta wannabe Lala– maybe she wouldn’t do it today, after the mass shooting in Vegas (I’m assuming that scene was filmed before it).
But Ariana’s facial expression and half-whispered,”I don’t wanna get popped!” made me laugh.
I think Lala saying that just goes to show her immaturity that she thinks it’s appropriate or funny or whatever when in this day and age it certainly is not and I agree, had to be filmed before the LV massacre.
I get the feeling the entire cast is just having fun and playing, that nothing is serious to them because it doesn’t have to be. They get fired, they get hired back. They get checks from Bravo. They drink, get drunk, party, recover from hangovers and do it all over again. Do they ever sit down and pay electric bills, rent, car payments? None of them seem able to accomplish that or even think of it.
I think they love the cameras, the attention they get. Including Brittany. She’ll put up with Jax because she loves her new friends and lifestyle compared to living in KY. She’s got new boobs, new clothes, hairstyle, makeup, etc. I think it would be hard for her to go back there now and try to live like she once did. Well, her mother would never let her live down the fact she gave up Jax. Yikes!
I love the recaps Lady C does and I do like the show, but some of them are wearing really thin on me like Katie, Tom(s) and even LVP. The camera debacle did it for me. What was she thinking?
It used to be a lot more fun to watch, especially when Kristen was drunk and unraveled because..Kristen. I can’t stand Stassi, never could and now here she’s back.
I do like Lala because she’s so in your face (gun comment exception, not cool) and Sheana and Katie will get away with squat with her around.
“Lala brings audio of Jax and Faith boning as a hostess gift.”
This last sentence in Lady C’s Next Week preview has me gasping for air I am laughing so hard. Lala is bringing so much drama/fun to us, the viewer. Now we just need Evil Kristen back!
In 2018 I need to step up my hostess gifts.
Hilarious!!!!
Predictions on where these folks will be in 20 years? In my mind’s eye, it ain’t a pretty pic. Except for Kristin. I predict she’s mom to three kids somewhere in the midwest and living off the proceeds of a tell all on VPR.
If only I could honestly believe this show has not become totally scripted. Goodness knows I would love to see Katie get what she deserves, but watching her and Tom tonight is like watching a bad acting class. We have all seen how Katie reacts when she feels wronged and that is not what I am seeing. If this is real, IMO they we’re splitting before filming and this storyline was added for ratings.
We shall see.
No way can it be scripted! Some of these people act like they only have two active brain cells and one is looking for the other so NO, there is no way they could remember the line(s) of a script!!
I think Katy is getting what she deserves, with Tom.
Great recap! So funny! (The recap, not the show.)
I was shocked by Lala’s gun gesture too. I also thought Scheana’s saying when she and Rob could get married was tacky, tacky.
All these people seem so pathetic to me. So many of them are in their 30s–some late 30s–and they’re still acting like immature 20-year-olds. Grow up!
Jax is a pig there is no doubt, but for Brittany to chase and slap him made me extremely uncomfortable. If a man were to do the same to a woman this would be a totally different story.
My ex husband was extremely abusive and if I had pulled something like what Brittany did I wouldnt have any teeth right now.
I’m not saying it was deserved but it was inappropriate.
correction- “I’m not saying it wasn’t deserved but it was inappropriate”