Good Lord these taglines are terrible. I can’t even begin to describe all the random comments from each of the housewives before the show started. How does one get rat poop in a stove? Were those warming trays? I’m nauseous and would have to throw the entire stove out.
I know Mauricio was keen to sell the house an move to Encino, but is doing renovations during filming season kind of a really bad idea? It seems like Kyle is thinking she is renovating the old house rather than getting a new house. She’s putting in marble floors. Why is she changing the shape of her pool? Who does that? And how is she putting a fireplace in her bathroom. I don’t think California allows fireplaces anymore.
Just get me to Croatia!
Lisa Rinna meets with Teddi to pretend to eat lunch. LVP and Dorit have already tried to keep Teddi from liking Rinna. That said, she seems to like her anyway as they bemoan the high cost of private school tuition in LA. Teddi invite Rinna to come see her in her upcoming horse show.
LVP Throws A Dinner Party For Dorit
PK called LVP the day before to ask her to throw a dinner party for Dorit’s birthday. She has it a Villa Blanca, the restaurant they have been quietly trying to sell for forever. Because they lost a lot of money in those lawsuits.That said the place still looks quite lovely. This is Teddi’s husband, Edwin’s first party scene!
PK goes out to get a present for Jagger. Will it be another kajillion dollar car? A wrist full of Cartier love bracelets? Tickets to be immediately whisked away to Paris? Nope. Nope and Noper. It’s a three-year old at an adult party dressed in a white suit with a Happy Birthday balloon from The Dollar Tree. WTF? And she cries and acts like she hasn’t seen him for months. Has she sent him off to be raised by wolves someplace? Now that would be an improvement? I do not understand what is happening here.
So she plops her prop down in her lap and tells him to say hi to Erika and Rinna and Teddi. They say hi and wave and he says, “BAD GUYS!” Heh. Those little ones soak up everything. Dorit makes him clarify that it is in fact Erika that is the “bad guy.” Oh, Dorit. You are in for one shitty season now. And I am living for it. The Jagger calls LVP she is a bad guy too. Then Teddi tells Erika that there was a moment in Vegas where she felt “dismissed.”
The Pretty Mess is writing a memoir with a co-author. Oh the co-author is Brian Moylan he writes recaps for Vuture and is really, really good at it. Please don’t read them. You will never read my typo ridden incoherence ever again. This site is really the only place online that does recaps. Google is not your friend. Is his nose sunburned?
Erika has only seen her father three times. He basically does not acknowledge her existence and they have no relationship to this day.
Rinna, Dorit and LVP go to Teddi’s horse show. I haven’t looked at the photos The Fabulous Lady C has pulled for this episode yet because, once again, these three women don’t look like the are going to the same function. LVP seems to be in a black pants and fancy top rut this season. While that is a look I enjoy wearing, on LVP it just seems so “boardroom meeting” to me. Rinna is wearing a modified version of the Canadian tuxedo (jeans, denim shirt) and Dorit is in a frilly pink mini dress. Dorit is adamant that her look is best for the horse show. I’d say Rinna got the closest, but could have gone with a crisp cotton dress shirt rather than a wife beater topped with an open denim shirt.
We find out in the car ride that LVP was born in 1960 and Rinna was born in 1963. Suddenly I feel so much younger all of the sudden. LVP says the only lie on her drivers liscense is when she said she weighs 108 pounds. My license is about to expire. I think mine says 125 as that was my weight when I got my license. I should probably double that for the new license.
Teddi does not own the horse she is riding. It seems like she’s never ridden it before. It doesn’t seem to matter. I got a bit teary eyed watching Teddi on that horse. It was a thing of beauty. I have this stupid leaky eye thing around things of beauty which is why I cry 90% of the time I am in Paris while muttering “wow” at every turn. I was in the Paris Opera house on a tour on Christmas Eve once and you just kind of get in to little groups and go out on the balcony and look down. Well, the pianist was there doing a rehearsal/sound check and it was magical. So I broke down into heavy sobs of happiness. A German tourist showed concern to make sure I was okay. I just blubbered about how lovely it was. I should point out that if a German tourist is being nice to you, they must think you are dying because they are normally super mean. I thought she was going to insist I come home with her,
Teddi took first place. Somehow a conversation about church breaks out between LVP and Teddi. LVP is working Teddi HARD, y’all.
Dorit And Teddi Have A Double Date
Perhaps The Dollar Tree balloon for Dorit’s birthday was due to the fact that Dorit managed to acquire nearly $19K in Hermes dinnerware to use for a her dinner party with Teddi. Methinks she bought more than just service for four. I have yet to bite the bullet and buy anything at Hermes. I kind of against that sort of spending. But I just want the orange bag and the orange box. I’m like a kid who loves my Tiffany boxes more that the items that I got in them sometimes. Plus the items are in the bank, but the boxes and cute little bags are in my ghetto shack.
I am a bit aroused by Edwin. But he seems sort of um, gay. NTTAWWT. Dinner conversation turns to IVF. Apparently, Teddi and Edwin both really wanted a boy and when their son was born, there were some really scary moments. The boy has a heart defect and Teddi and Edwin feel like it was punishment for choosing to have a boy rather than going with what God intended for them.
Of course PK tries to relate by telling a story about his son being born blue with a cone head. Production plays “dear God this guy has no compassion at all” music while he tells this very common story.
It looks like Dorit made some sort of cous cous for dinner. I’d love that. But she doesn’t someone who would be good at Moroccan food. I do appreciate that she served everyone, and I presume the Hermes plates make food tastier, but frankly I thought the plates were ugly. This one time I booked a hotel online in San Diego because a boy was asking me out on a date, I love giraffes and there was this like outbreak of giraffe babies at the San Diego Zoo. These seemed like good enough reason to burn some Delta Skymiles. I ended up in a hotel in the gay district. Apparently, I was supposed to know better than this. I thought the hotel was fabulous and I did get some straight girl shaming from guests, but the restaurant was totally empty when I went to dinner and THEY SERVED DINNER ON VERSACE PLATES. It was one of the best meals/moments of my life. It was like the Versace logo on a plate. I was youngish and poor and the whole trip was very memorable.
Anyway, Dorit and PK are still trashing Lisa Rinna. Dorit is so horrible. Teddi gets it too.
WTF IS MY CROATIA FOOTAGE?
With six minutes left in the episode, Rinna gets a call from Kyle in Croatia. Could they not have given them a Go Pro camera or something? Dayum. I feel robbed.
Next week: WE GO TO TOKYO WITH RINNA AND ERIKA! I WANT AN ENTIRE EPISODE OF JUST THAT! Unfortunately, production is stupid and we have Kyle and LVP getting snarky with each other and some sort of dinner where Dorit talks about strap-ons apparently in a way that is mean to CAMILLE! God, Dorit and PK are horrid people.