Floribama Shore: Princess, Goddess, Mermaid

I keep trying to get to this recap but the housewives keep on going to jail or getting their houses broken into and it just keeps getting pushed aside. But I am here for it now, even though I am really sleepy. Lately, whenever I eat I get all narcoleptic. But hopeful this trainwreck will keep me awake.

We begin with the guys arguing over Aimee. When Aimee said on the way home from the bar that she was not attracted to any of the guys in the house because they are not her cousins and they responded that they had no desire to sleep with her, she suddenly got her feelings hurt.

Nilsa tries to deny her loud and raucous sexcapade with Jerimiah’s brother Josh the next morning, despite the fact that people in Pensacola probably heard the whole thing. Meanwhile, Aimee has learned a new word, “brunch.” So basically, we’re watching a female version of dumb and dumber. Nilsa takes Aimee to her first brunch and they talk about Josh. Aimee says she must “hunch him” again before he leaves so she can assess whether or not he is good in bed. Nilsa claims she doesn’t do one night stands. She realizes this is on TV, right? She’s been trolling for dick nonstop on camera since her booty shorts hit the house. Aimee talks about how mean the guys are to say that they wouldn’t fuck her with someone else’s dick. After all, she been such a lovely lady in the house. 

Then we get a crying talking head with Aimee where she says her boyfriend of ten years was very verbally abusive toward her.

Back at the house, Aimee tearfully approaches Kirk about his rude comments and he quickly apologizes. He tells us that Aimee is his favorite in the house and he feels bad. Aimee needs her some RuPaul because honey, “If you can’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love someone else?”

Next up is Codi. Codi spent most of last night arguing with Jeremiah that Aimee was pretty much unfuckable, but in the sober like of day he’s telling Kirk he wants to have sex with Aimee because she is his type. I presume he means an uneducated hick like him. He apologizes to Aimee.

Nilsa and the rest of the house decide to spend to the entire next day focusing on doing fun things with Aimee. But first it’s bedtime which means he have to watch Nilsa and Josh “hunch” again. Sigh.

It’s raining on Amy Appreciation Day. Codi makes the dinner reservations and insists on a table with a great view and attractive waitstaff. I am not kidding. Even more hilarious is when the hostess tells him that the restaurant is in a shopping mall.

The girls take Aimee to get her nails done. I hate nail salon scenes almost as much as I hate photos of fingernails on Instagram. It’s a personal hangup of mine. Oh and another thing I can’t deal with is people talking about poop. Which apparently needed to be discussed because Nilsa is pooping her pants while driving the girls home.

We are thirty minutes into this episode and I am still waiting for it to start.

Before they head out to dinner, Aimee learns another word, “corsage.” Well, she actually thinks the word is “croissant.” Close enough, a word a day is tough enough for Aimee. Let’s not try and push the boundaries.

Dinner is at Firefly, a moderately priced seafood restaurant. Codi has got to be playing up is redneck role because he is having trouble with the words and is pissed that there are no pictures on the menu. He’s got to hamming it up for the camera’s right? Because no guy is this dumb. Although, I did date an idiot in college once who made me order for him at the Italian place because his lack of fluency in Italian apparently kept him from being able to read things like spaghetti, lasagna and veal. So I guess I may have forgotten how stupid some 20 somethings are.

Aimee loves the food. Despite there being two forks in her place setting, she opts to eat with her hands instead.

Thank God Aimee Appreciation Day is over and we can get back to getting drunk and grilling stuff and trying to get laid. And just like magic, production sends in two local girls who are friends with Nilsa, Shana and Katrina. Let the dick measuring contest begin, boys. Jeremiah has Katrina in his sites. What happened to Carly Jo? As it turns out all the guys want Katrina. Nilsa is trying to push Jeremiah on her. Jeremiah is VERY corny though. That would get old fast.

We’re 52 minutes in and we finally get to a damn bar. Let’s get to the drunken brawling, shall we? The locals must have heard they were coming because the place is totally empty. Either that or production has them going out at 5 p.m. to minimize the number of people they can fight with.

Katrina is sidling up to Gus telling him fascinating stories about how drinking makes her horny. This one time, at band camp Katrina says she was so horny from drinking that she chipped her tooth on a vibrator. Gus tells us in a talking head that Katrina is wife material. Yes, twenty year old boys are apparently this dumb.

But the girls are not any smarter, Kortni has just added the urinal of the men’s room to her list of weird places she has peed.

It’s time for Codi to instigate some random shit. So he tells Nilsa that they are betting on who Katrina chooses. Nilsa turns this around and tells Katrina that Gus made a bet that he will get Katrina before Jeremiah does. Nilsa is drunk as a skunk and cursing like a sailor. Drunk Katrina starts randomly sobbing because after literally shaking her tits in the face of both guys, she now feels like a piece of meat. Sigh.

Nilsa is once again responsible for this uproar, and butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth as she tells everyone she has no idea how the rumor got started. Someone is lying and Jeremiah thinks it is Gus. The episode ends with Jeremiah ready to fight Gus. So true to the formula, we start and end with a fight.