Sorry it’s taken so long to get this Vanderpump Rules recap up. Life doesn’t always go the way we plan. But a late recap is way better than a late period… Just ask Jax. For some reason that is totally not his fault, knocked up side chicks keep breaking up his relationships. It’s a damn mystery. Luckily for Jax, Brittany won’t bolt as fast as Stassi did. We can always hope she’ll come to her senses by the end of the season but even that is doubtful. Especially considering last week’s admission that she’s already slept with him again. Oh, Brittany.
Brittany takes Stassi on her 2 year anniversary spa date instead of Jax. She’ll give him sex but not a massage. That’ll teach him! Stassi knows from experience how persuasive Jax can be when he wants forgiveness. She even gets why Brittany slept with him. Not that it makes it any less gross. Jax,
totally torn up that he’s missing the fabulous spa date Brittany planned drinking with the boys, thinks things would be better if Brittany would just cheat on him. Who cares about her hurt feelings? He wants the fighting to end and what better way than evening the playing field. Despite Brittany asking him to not say anything, Jax can’t help but brag about all the sex they’re having. It looks like Sandoval is disgusted along with us but he’s actually tortured by his own lack of a sex life. It’s been 2 months, guys. They didn’t even bang at Coachella! James worries this is what happens to all the olds.
Tom Schwartz visits Lisa at Pump with gas station flowers, an “I’m sorry” balloon and that stupid grin he gets on his face when he thinks he’s being clever. He wants to woo his way back into Tom Tom but Lisa is steamed. Sandoval’s ingratitude is one thing but his spying accusation is a horse of another color. Schwartz’s dinky balloon doesn’t fully “moisturize” the situation but Lisa eventually relents to another meeting with the boys. Now Schwartz has to get Sandoval off his high horse and in prime ass-kissing position.
Stassi heads to Sur for her “job.” It’s all a farce so there’s no need for details. Stassi doesn’t care about party planning. But she does get excited when she hears that Scheana is pissed that her fake job is at a higher level than Scheana’s fake job. Winning!
Katie, covered in cute dogs, tells Schwartz about the party they’re throwing Brittany. It’s meant to bolster her confidence to dump Jax. If only it would work. Sandoval shows up for a Tom Tom business meeting. He brought a notepad so you know it’s serious. The thing is, he doesn’t realize that this is an intervention. I’m actually impressed with how Schwartz and Katie handle it. They speak in short sentences. They say things that Sandoval can easily assume were his ideas. And, most importantly, they blow smoke up his ass. Hopefully it’s enough to get the project back on track.
Brittany and her camel toe visit Ariana at the horse stables. Ariana rides a horse she’s never ridden before. He spooks and she ends up on her ass. But she gets right back on, as the saying goes. Brittany, this is not an analogy for you and Jax!
Raquel shows up for her first volunteer session at Vanderpump Dogs. Lisa does an amazing impersonation of her as Bambi on steroids. The beauty queen facade is a bit much. Her first task is cleaning up poop. I see you, LVP. I see you. While Raquel is knee deep in doggy feces, James talks to Lisa about his exciting new fake job. Every other Tuesday. Only James can make a nothingburger sound so meaty.
Brittany shows Jax her pajama party outfit. When he finds out about the party, he gets aggressively defensive. He knows supportive girlfriends will be counterproductive to the con he’s working. He goes into full manipulation mode while telling us he’s not manipulating her. Le sigh. Brittany asks if there’s anything else she needs to know. She doesn’t want to forgive him only to find out she’s been fooled again. Jax swears there’s nothing which means there’s definitely something.
Finally, it’s time for Lala’s fake job scene. Lisa needs to make this one look good. Lala is the third horrible employee that Lisa is welcoming back and she has a business reputation to uphold. So she holds Lala’s feet to the fire until she gets a big apology. Yawn.
With that over, we move on to the Save Brittany party. Stassi is serving all of Brittany’s favorite foods. She even got the beer cheese recipe straight from Mamaw. And because it’s
in the script all for Brittany, Scheana and Ariana are invited. Brittany beats the crap out of the Jax-faced pinata, places a hex on him, and all the girls kiss. You know, standard pajama party stuff. But then things swerve right. Hard. Ariana spills the beans that it wasn’t a one time deal with Faith. Brittany loses her damn mind.
Brittany immediately calls Jax. She opens by asking him how many times he slept with Faith, giving him one last chance to tell the truth. He swears on his life it was once. Brittany tells him that Faith is at the party and she knows the truth. Jax explodes. He’s being set up! Why is Brittany doing this to him when they’re working things out? It was only one time! Brittany calms him down by admitting that Faith isn’t there. She hounds him into admitting his lie. Just as Ariana predicted, he says what’s the difference between one and ten times? Brittany tells him this changes everything. Just minutes after admitting the truth, Jax screams, “I promise you, I didn’t do it! Shut up! I said I didn’t do it!” Brittany acts shocked. I imagine he yells at her a lot so it can’t be that surprising. But this time it’s on camera and on speakerphone in front of all her friends. The girls pressure Brittany into kicking Jax out for the night. Ariana passes the message along through Sandoval. She warns him it will get ugly if Jax show’s his face.
In two weeks: Lisa revises the Toms percentages in Tom Tom. Stassi stages her first Sur event. Lala claims a married Schwartz cheated with one of her friends. And Katie and Schwartz fight in the Sur alley.