Vanderpump Rules: Unfaithful

By The Lady Cocotte

Full disclosure: I watched last week’s Vanderpump Rules premiere three times. It was that good. The Sur gang delivered everything we’ve come to expect. Stassi and Katie were mean girls. Scheana was delusional. Tom Sandoval overestimated his intelligence. Kristen inserted herself in someone else’s argument. And, most importantly, Jax Taylor cheated on his girlfriend. It was a big, messy, welcome back kiss and I couldn’t get enough.

Tonight we’re instantly transported back to Scheana’s “Pay Attention To Me” party. The only thing anyone can talk about is the Jax/Brittany/Faith debacle. Scheana pretends to be exasperated that drama is derailing her party. That’s so not her thing. But her immediate priority is finding Brittany so she can hog the camera comfort her friend. Brittany is pissed. She rants that she’ll leave Jax if it’s true but we all know she won’t. Jax gets aggressively defensive because he’s done absolutely nothing wrong. And he just can’t understand why anyone would assume he did (Vegas porn star, Kristen, San Diego girl, etc).

The only people who have Jax’s back are his loyal enablers, Tom 1 and Tom 2. They throw the word “allegedly” around like it’s a Get Out Of Jail Free card. And, I mean, really. Did anyone actually see penis in vagina? Sandoval pantomimes the act in case we don’t understand the confusing clinic terminology. Thanks, man. Brittany’s biggest supporters? Fame Whore and Crazy Scheana and Kristen. They make several creative threats against Jax’s penis. I wish they’d stop. The last thing I want to think about is Jax Taylor’s penis. It could put me off men permanently. I need a few minutes with The Hair to clean my palate… Ah, much better.

Lisa Vanderpump gets a new Rolls Royce. Stassi wants to be an event planner. Two things I don’t care about. What I do care about is how sneaky these Vanderpump Rules producers think they are. They’re using Stassi’s new “passion” as a vehicle to get her back in Sur. Because we’re supposed to believe that LVP would rehire Stassi for anything. Riiiiight. So, naturally, Lisa hires Stassi to style a party at Sur. Sigh. With business taken care of, Stassi brings up her only other storyline: Patrick. Lisa thinks their reunion is as smart as I do. She tells Stassi she might as well get back together with Jax. Stassi completely misses the point but his name elicits some gory threats of her own. Hey, at least she doesn’t bring up his penis.

Katie is cleaning her frat house of an apartment when Brittany stops by. She’s upset. She figures if Jax would cheat with her Hollywood friend, who else has he done it with? Yeah, don’t open that can of worms, Brit. Not if you still want to marry him. As might be expected with Jax, this isn’t the first time cheating questions have reared their ugly head. Brittany found another woman’s false eyelashes in her bed! Oh, poor, stupid Brittany. She really is the perfect girl for Jax. Well, this time she’s going to teach him a lesson. She’s going to Vegas and she’s going to act like a single girl. Cue Jax’s entrance. Brittany is so upset she can barely look at him. She asks to see his text messages with Faith. Ooh, flashback to the Jax/Kristen textgate. Jax is sure his texts prove nothing (because, delete) but what’s left is enough for Brittany. She screams, “You guys fucked!” and throws his phone at him. Jax sticks to his lie story. He shuffles away as if he is the aggrieved party. Brittany melts into a pool of tears.

James brings Raquel to Pump for her contractural camera time. She’s put on her shortest shorts to ask for a job at Vanderpump Dogs. She’s definitely a prime candidate. When Lisa asks her what she does, she doesn’t even understand the question. Lisa suggests volunteering might be more up her alley. Brushing dogs and using a pooper scooper doesn’t require much experience. Lisa only requests that she wear shorter shorts next time. James hops on the bandwagon and asks for his job back. Lisa chastises him for booking the meeting in Raquel’s name when it was about him all along. But he’s a Vanderpump Rules cast member so he gets Stassi job. On Tuesday nights. Raquel gazes at James like he’s the white Kanye West. Where do these guys find such stupid women?

Across town, it’s Jeremy’s birthday party. You know him. He’s Ariana’s brother. The one that she and Sandoval keep trying to make a thing. He should sleep with Lala. Illicit sex seems to be the only way to join this cast. Tom Schwartz is at a second party in twelve hours that Katie wasn’t invited to. You sure married a winner there, Tom. The big topic of conversation: Jax and Faith. James gets to drop the missed period bomb to ratchet things up a level. Ariana has clearly convinced Sandoval that supporting Brittany over Jax has better optics. Schwartz drunk dials Jax, followed by a good drunk cry. Never one to let someone out-drama queen him, Sandoval joins in.

Brittany takes a break from packing to yell at Jax. He’s clearly aging. Not maturing. Aging. He can only take a few minutes of it before he admits it’s true: he slept with Faith. Whaaaaat? Noooooo. You can literally see Brittany’s heart break. She took such pride in being the girl that fixed Jax. Now that dream is ruined. He tries to justify it and that only makes it worse. Oh, Brittany. You should have seen this coming from a mile away but I feel for you. She weeps into one dog while the other hides from the scary, yelling man. Brittany calls Tan Mom to share her misery. The conversation is short. Smartly, Tan Mom is giving her time to absorb everything before she pressures her to forgive Jax. Trust me, Tan Mom is not giving up her “celebrity” son-in-law. And with that, Brittany is off. Sidenote: you can tell she’s a nice person because no matter how upset she is, Brittany is always pleasant to her Uber drivers.

Lisa is the Grand Marshall of Long Beach Gay Pride. You just know she’s going to wear one of those annoying Hyacinth Bucket hats of hers. Good lord, it’s worse than expected. Why won’t this woman hire a competent stylist? Tom Sandoval knows he’s in the doghouse so he drags his significant others (Ariana and Tom Schwartz) to the event. Lisa is touched they traveled thirty minutes to support her. It says so in her script. As soon as they’re all together, they talk about Jax. Lisa admonishes the boys to not defend him. Too late. Hey, at least he admitted it this time. Jax can’t help himself. It’s in his nature. He just loves in a different way that the rest of us. Ugh. They visit the leather tent. Sandoval sees someone getting flogged and gets turned on. Ariana breaks down the psychology behind BDSM. Sandoval just wants to end their dry spell. He gives it a whirl and we’re treated to a voice over of all the ways Tom bugs Ariana. Hmmm. The perfect relationship has some cracks. But the whipping is good for one thing: it loosens Sandoval up enough to apologize to Lisa.

Stassi has three walls of shoes in her bedroom. It’s actually less annoying than Scheana moving into her guest room so she could turn her master into a closet. Kind of. Kristen and Stassi set us up for her big date with Patrick. And then we finally meet him. He takes one foot in the door, says hello, and I hate him. It’s not the man bun (even though his is the worst I’ve seen). He’s just a choad. I actually had to look up the spelling (it’s not in my regular vocabulary) but it feels appropriate. Stassi tells Patrick about her new event planning job. He’s incredulous. He wonders if she even knows what putting an together even entails. Damn, I’m agreeing with the choad. Stassi’s got it covered though. She Youtubed it. Isn’t that how we learn everything these days? They do an infomercial for Stassi’s podcast. Patrick confuses her using big words like juggernaut and galvanize. Or she’s playing coy. Either way, it’s gross. Patrick loves it, though. Choad.

Brittany is back at Sur. She’s angry. She’s sad. She misses Jax. Everyone asks how she’s doing and Scheana interrupts to talk about herself. Never the bridesmaid, always the bride, our Scheana. Jax decides he’s going to switch shifts so he doesn’t make Brittany uncomfortable. But when she comes up to the bar, he stares intently at her. Doesn’t say a word. Just stares. Once she’s gone, Jax starts pacing. He’s not sure how to play this one. Maybe if he goes to therapy she’ll believe he can change. The one thing he knows for sure: none of these meddling females better give him any grief. Sandoval stops his ragey rant to point out that he opened himself up to the criticism. He agrees but, but, but… Lisa offers Brittany support. She reminds her there’s only one asshole in this situation, and it’s not her. I think LVP is very calculated but the moment feels real. Scheana sees cameras and runs to Brittany’s side. While Brittany is telling Scheana and Ariana that she needs space from Jax, Jax is across the room bragging to Sandoval that they spent the whole day together. And they totally banged. Brittany, Brittany, Brittany.

Next week: Tom Schwartz adds to Sandoval’s apology with flowers and balloons. Stassi throws Brittany a Jax-bashing pajama party. The Jax pinata is a nice touch. Brittany finds out Jax slept with Faith multiple times. His response is to scream at her. And Lala’s back! Now the season can officially begin…