Full disclosure: I watched last week’s Vanderpump Rules premiere three times. It was that good. The Sur gang delivered everything we’ve come to expect. Stassi and Katie were mean girls. Scheana was delusional. Tom Sandoval overestimated his intelligence. Kristen inserted herself in someone else’s argument. And, most importantly, Jax Taylor cheated on his girlfriend. It was a big, messy, welcome back kiss and I couldn’t get enough.
Tonight we’re instantly transported back to Scheana’s “Pay Attention To Me” party. The only thing anyone can talk about is the Jax/Brittany/Faith debacle. Scheana pretends to be exasperated that drama is derailing her party. That’s so not her thing. But her immediate priority is finding Brittany so she can hog the camera comfort her friend. Brittany is pissed. She rants that she’ll leave Jax if it’s true but we all know she won’t. Jax gets aggressively defensive because he’s done absolutely nothing wrong. And he just can’t understand why anyone would assume he did (Vegas porn star, Kristen, San Diego girl, etc).
The only people who have Jax’s back are his loyal enablers, Tom 1 and Tom 2. They throw the word “allegedly” around like it’s a Get Out Of Jail Free card. And, I mean, really. Did anyone actually see penis in vagina? Sandoval pantomimes the act in case we don’t understand the confusing clinic terminology. Thanks, man. Brittany’s biggest supporters? Fame Whore and Crazy Scheana and Kristen. They make several creative threats against Jax’s penis. I wish they’d stop. The last thing I want to think about is Jax Taylor’s penis. It could put me off men permanently. I need a few minutes with The Hair to clean my palate… Ah, much better.
Lisa Vanderpump gets a new Rolls Royce. Stassi wants to be an event planner. Two things I don’t care about. What I do care about is how sneaky these Vanderpump Rules producers think they are. They’re using Stassi’s new “passion” as a vehicle to get her back in Sur. Because we’re supposed to believe that LVP would rehire Stassi for anything. Riiiiight. So, naturally, Lisa hires Stassi to style a party at Sur. Sigh. With business taken care of, Stassi brings up her only other storyline: Patrick. Lisa thinks their reunion is as smart as I do. She tells Stassi she might as well get back together with Jax. Stassi completely misses the point but his name elicits some gory threats of her own. Hey, at least she doesn’t bring up his penis.
Katie is cleaning her frat house of an apartment when Brittany stops by. She’s upset. She figures if Jax would cheat with her Hollywood friend, who else has he done it with? Yeah, don’t open that can of worms, Brit. Not if you still want to marry him. As might be expected with Jax, this isn’t the first time cheating questions have reared their ugly head. Brittany found another woman’s false eyelashes in her bed! Oh, poor, stupid Brittany. She really is the perfect girl for Jax. Well, this time she’s going to teach him a lesson. She’s going to Vegas and she’s going to act like a single girl. Cue Jax’s entrance. Brittany is so upset she can barely look at him. She asks to see his text messages with Faith. Ooh, flashback to the Jax/Kristen textgate. Jax is sure his texts prove nothing (because, delete) but what’s left is enough for Brittany. She screams, “You guys fucked!” and throws his phone at him. Jax sticks to his
lie story. He shuffles away as if he is the aggrieved party. Brittany melts into a pool of tears.
James brings Raquel to Pump for her contractural camera time. She’s put on her shortest shorts to ask for a job at Vanderpump Dogs. She’s definitely a prime candidate. When Lisa asks her what she does, she doesn’t even understand the question. Lisa suggests volunteering might be more up her alley. Brushing dogs and using a pooper scooper doesn’t require much experience. Lisa only requests that she wear shorter shorts next time. James hops on the bandwagon and asks for his job back. Lisa chastises him for booking the meeting in Raquel’s name when it was about him all along. But he’s a Vanderpump Rules cast member so he gets Stassi job. On Tuesday nights. Raquel gazes at James like he’s the white Kanye West. Where do these guys find such stupid women?
Across town, it’s Jeremy’s birthday party. You know him. He’s Ariana’s brother. The one that she and Sandoval keep trying to make a thing. He should sleep with Lala. Illicit sex seems to be the only way to join this cast. Tom Schwartz is at a second party in twelve hours that Katie wasn’t invited to. You sure married a winner there, Tom. The big topic of conversation: Jax and Faith. James gets to drop the missed period bomb to ratchet things up a level. Ariana has clearly convinced Sandoval that supporting Brittany over Jax has better optics. Schwartz drunk dials Jax, followed by a good drunk cry. Never one to let someone out-drama queen him, Sandoval joins in.
Brittany takes a break from packing to yell at Jax. He’s clearly aging. Not maturing. Aging. He can only take a few minutes of it before he admits it’s true: he slept with Faith. Whaaaaat? Noooooo. You can literally see Brittany’s heart break. She took such pride in being the girl that fixed Jax. Now that dream is ruined. He tries to justify it and that only makes it worse. Oh, Brittany. You should have seen this coming from a mile away but I feel for you. She weeps into one dog while the other hides from the scary, yelling man. Brittany calls Tan Mom to share her misery. The conversation is short. Smartly, Tan Mom is giving her time to absorb everything before she pressures her to forgive Jax. Trust me, Tan Mom is not giving up her “celebrity” son-in-law. And with that, Brittany is off. Sidenote: you can tell she’s a nice person because no matter how upset she is, Brittany is always pleasant to her Uber drivers.
Lisa is the Grand Marshall of Long Beach Gay Pride. You just know she’s going to wear one of those annoying Hyacinth Bucket hats of hers. Good lord, it’s worse than expected. Why won’t this woman hire a competent stylist? Tom Sandoval knows he’s in the doghouse so he drags his significant others (Ariana and Tom Schwartz) to the event. Lisa is touched they traveled thirty minutes to support her. It says so in her script. As soon as they’re all together, they talk about Jax. Lisa admonishes the boys to not defend him. Too late. Hey, at least he admitted it this time. Jax can’t help himself. It’s in his nature. He just loves in a different way that the rest of us. Ugh. They visit the leather tent. Sandoval sees someone getting flogged and gets turned on. Ariana breaks down the psychology behind BDSM. Sandoval just wants to end their dry spell. He gives it a whirl and we’re treated to a voice over of all the ways Tom bugs Ariana. Hmmm. The perfect relationship has some cracks. But the whipping is good for one thing: it loosens Sandoval up enough to apologize to Lisa.
Stassi has three walls of shoes in her bedroom. It’s actually less annoying than Scheana moving into her guest room so she could turn her master into a closet. Kind of. Kristen and Stassi set us up for her big date with Patrick. And then we finally meet him. He takes one foot in the door, says hello, and I hate him. It’s not the man bun (even though his is the worst I’ve seen). He’s just a choad. I actually had to look up the spelling (it’s not in my regular vocabulary) but it feels appropriate. Stassi tells Patrick about her new event planning job. He’s incredulous. He wonders if she even knows what putting an together even entails. Damn, I’m agreeing with the choad. Stassi’s got it covered though. She Youtubed it. Isn’t that how we learn everything these days? They do an infomercial for Stassi’s podcast. Patrick confuses her using big words like juggernaut and galvanize. Or she’s playing coy. Either way, it’s gross. Patrick loves it, though. Choad.
Brittany is back at Sur. She’s angry. She’s sad. She misses Jax. Everyone asks how she’s doing and Scheana interrupts to talk about herself. Never the bridesmaid, always the bride, our Scheana. Jax decides he’s going to switch shifts so he doesn’t make Brittany uncomfortable. But when she comes up to the bar, he stares intently at her. Doesn’t say a word. Just stares. Once she’s gone, Jax starts pacing. He’s not sure how to play this one. Maybe if he goes to therapy she’ll believe he can change. The one thing he knows for sure: none of these meddling females better give him any grief. Sandoval stops his ragey rant to point out that he opened himself up to the criticism. He agrees but, but, but… Lisa offers Brittany support. She reminds her there’s only one asshole in this situation, and it’s not her. I think LVP is very calculated but the moment feels real. Scheana sees cameras and runs to Brittany’s side. While Brittany is telling Scheana and Ariana that she needs space from Jax, Jax is across the room bragging to Sandoval that they spent the whole day together. And they totally banged. Brittany, Brittany, Brittany.
Next week: Tom Schwartz adds to Sandoval’s apology with flowers and balloons. Stassi throws Brittany a Jax-bashing pajama party. The Jax pinata is a nice touch. Brittany finds out Jax slept with Faith multiple times. His response is to scream at her. And Lala’s back! Now the season can officially begin…
Thank you Lady Cocotte for another fantastic recap!
Vanderpump Rules is totally knocking it out of the park this season! Much, much needed as everything on Bravo is getting stale. I’m gonna stick to this show for sure and probably the new Tabatha show as well
There’s a new Tabatha show???? Hooray!!
Vaderpump is in her element on this show: she’s got a platform for all her ventures / charities, no one ‘comes for her crown’ because she scares them and she seems a lot more relaxed. Why she doesn’t just leave RHOBH and focus on this and her businesses I don’t know. Let Kyle or Erika take the helm and have the other ladies come for them relentlessly. Talking of RHOBH, Erika’s tagline this season should totally be ‘You can pat the puss… just don’t look at it’ ?
She needs the money. That Rolls Royce scene was amusing tonight.
She would die before she would abdicate her throne to Kyle or Erika.
OMG that episode was the best! I watched it twice, just to see Jax’s lying face. Patrick, whom I expected to be some sort of a God, turned out to be a hipster douchebag. Even Stassi’s 10 year old brother knows it. Great episode.
Lisa’s hats are very Hyacinth Bucket-esque. I haven’t thought of her in years, that gave me a laugh 🙂
At least she got a better makeup job. She looks much better than she has in past seasons.
Great recap! “Hyacinth Bucket hats” i looove “Keeping Up Appearances”. ?
“And Lala’s back! Now the season can officially begin…
Are you mocking me? I know you don’t share my love for Lala! lol. Yo yo yo she’s just a girl from the mean streets of Utah tryna to get a little come up!
Love LaLa,so glad she is back.
I was most definitely mocking you. Lala is the worst.
I love Lala. And I must be the only one, but I think Jax’s infidelity was in the script. I don’t buy the performances. But I still love to watch.
Perfect recap! I hated Patrick as soon as I saw him too — part of it was the man bun though — and he was a total douche the entire time he was on camera. Choad is perfect (I had to google it) He was totally performing for the camera, and I can’t believe Stassi is so desperate as to give this asshole the upper hand. Pretending he is smarter than she by, e.g., not understanding the words he used? come on. He is so unattractive, both personally and physically that I can’t believe this is the man of her dreams, or the best man she can find.
Brittany’s scenes were so painful. Such raw emotion and pain. It was hard to watch and felt as if she was totally being taken advantage of by production. To endlessly film and air her grief was over the top, even if she did sign on for the show She is too nice for this show. I wanted to cry with her.
The Toms are both total assholes And their relationships with their SOs and each other are boring. Even S&M was an embarrassment and I see that they are going to continue that crap next episode.
I so agree about Patrick! And I had to look up choad, too; fits him perfect. At first I thought the same about Stassi settling for this guy but then remembered how many times she put up w/Jax’s crap/cheating/etc. For someone who tries to seem so sure of herself, she obviously has very low self esteem. I will never get over the things she said and the way she acted a couple of weeks ago in her pod cast regarding sexual harassment – unreal! I’ve never been in her corner nor will I ever be now!
I teared up when Brit was snuggling w/her dog – the scene where she had to coax him out from under the bed and then promised the pup that Jax wouldn’t be yelling at her anymore broke my heart. Animals are so comforting – I could picture myself all too clearly snuggling 1 or both of my dogs if my heart was breaking. So then it just reiterated to me that I HAVE to stay w/my husband because there’s no way I could split up my dogs or share custody of them!
I don’t even know these people, but I am irrationally livid with Jax. I get Brittany prob should have known better than to trust him, but she’s just so damn sweet that seeing someone break her heart like that is infuriating.
And Scheana can just go away.
I feel the same way. Brittany may have been looking for a bit of fame as well, but I do think she is genuine and a very nice person. LVP tried to warn her mom. Maybe mom is looking for a little fame herself. What mother would want their daughter to be with Herpe Jax? It didn’t surprise me, but I really felt so bad for Brittany. I was hoping, it if was even possible, she would be the one to help Jax turn into a quasi-human being. The nail in the coffee was that he cheated with Faith. Which is worse than some random girl. I just hope she gets the strength to move on. Sadly, Brittany really loves him. That Douche Lord doesn’t deserve her.
Thank you Lady Cocotte. Agree, thank goodness for Google (Choad).
I think it’s great Katie is missing a lot. I also found it so funny how upset Crazy Kristen was about Jax.Lol, as if she was a bystander in that whole debacle, when she was worse than Faith, in my opinion. Faith at least is single.
This season is off to a fun start for sure. Also noticed I think Jax is sweating less, that may be a good thing.??
Great recap!
It’s scary when Kristin is the adult, voice of reason.
I thought of you TT when they had the RR scene. So staged, so leased.
Jax had serious, deep issues. I hope Brittany does not marry or procreate with him until he gets his brain fixed.
I ADORE Brittany and think she’s gorgeous, but she has to ditch that mid-ponytail. Go high, or go low but mid isn’t flattering on her. And Faith is skanky.
Hyacinth Bucket? Choad? This is a terribly British post! Yaaaay! Bloody ‘ell, all those codwallopers snogging and shagging and lark!
Do you think Brittney “lost a little of her spark” when she found another woman’s false eyelashes in her home?
Oh my! Don’t ask me how I know this, but in New Jersey “choad” means something else. It is used to mean a very short fat you-know-what. One that’s girth is about the same as it’s (short) length.
Choad…100% I don’t like Stassi at all and I found myself thinking she could do better than this asshat.
My theory is that Jax was EXTREMELY uncomfortable with the fact that Brittneys ex was black. Anyone see how uneasy he was when they met in her hometown? Being the psychopath he is ( and i do believe this man has some serious/dangerous mental issues) he went after Faith to even the playing field.
Gross all around. Also why would ANYONE sleep with this dude in general, let alone without a condom??!!!
Why did Brittney run off to Vegas, then come right back? Hmm….
I can’t stand Brittany. I mean she’s a sweet girl, but she irritates the hell out of me every time she opens her mouth. She seems really immature to me. Maybe it’s the little girl voice combined with the accent. I don’t get what she’s doing with Jax and I certainly don’t get what he sees in her.