Relationshep: Double The Trouble

So, my new “morning” has become 6 PM due in part to the snow and feeling like I am on vacation and just hanging out. But I’m not on vacation and I got very behind on what I needed to do today and just like that it is ten pm and it’s time to recap Shep womanizing his way across the country again. Sometimes I feel like the days are all a big long blur and that I just recapped this show this morning. So bare with me if this recap is even more disjointed than usual. I’m in a great mood after watching The Voice, which was fantastic tonight and all ready to go. Mostly.

First of all, production doesn’t seem to know the difference between Dallas and Austin. First they tell us with a graphic and views of the city that we’re still in Dallas. Then as we cut to Shep in the tub the next graphic says “last day in Austin” and Shep tells the guy on the phone he is in Dallas.  Does Haymaker even watch their final edits? Sigh.

The first date is a double date. Shep needs a wingman and an activity so he doesn’t have to have the same old first date conversations over and over. So he and his friend Ray are meeting two girls who are roommates. Ray is getting the wild one out of the bunch. I already predict, Shep will pick her and I haven’t even seen them yet. It’s also a commercial for Top Golf. Whatever that is. It looks like a driving range. Summer and Katie have been best friends for ten years. They both have waist length hair extensions. Summer’s are blond and Katie’s are brunette. Summer is 29 not sure about Katie. Summer looks like she uses Kim Biermann’s plastic surgeon. Katie is super loud and tries way to hard to get attention. She drinks red wine mixed with Dr. Pepper. Katie’s entire thought process on anything is about how hot she or her date is. Shep immediately dips on Ray and Katie and takes Summer to a bar. 

Summer tries to pretend like she is some sort of nerdy intellectual and Shep becomes intrigued. I admit I got up to grab a snack without pausing the show and from the kitchen I thought she said she has lived a Christian life. But it sounded weird and I had to rewind twice to understand her. Apparently, she said she’s lived a “cushioned” life. Shep tries to tell her she means cushy. She doesn’t get it. So, yes, that brief flicker of hope for some intellect is out the window. She’s a Barbie girl, living in a Barbie world. AT TWENTY NINE. #Millenials Summer thinks she has a Dallas accent. She doesn’t. Shep says that she was fun, but seems like a one night stand. These girls must be so glad they did this show.

Shep decides he wasn’t to go back to the girl Jessy from the bookstore date who can read and ask her to the Charleston House Of Whores (CHOW). Jessy says thanks but no thanks. Shep is not used to such public rejection.

Time to head to Austin!  So far only the girl who told him he had green teeth and got wasted with him, and the teeny bopper with the horses are coming to the CHOW.

Amber seems great. Her dog is gorgeous and tried to bite Shep. Because dogs know. She’s blond, down to earth and seems smart enough. In other words, too good for Shep.  She also reminds me a bit of Landon in the face. But a nicer version. Unless I missed something, we didn’t see that much. Did he invite her to CHOW?

Next up is the producers choice, Priscila. Thank God the producer stepped in and got him someone age appropriate. She’s 34 and beautiful. Her family is from Brazil and she seems to be bringing her suitcase. She is completely turned off when Shep shares that he was introduced to Brazilian culture through his nanny. It’s like “Oh, you’re from Brazil? One of the help we hired once was from there.” The producer didn’t even bother to make Shep bath and dress for the date. Priscilla is pointing out Shep’s faults in a teasing not teasing way. Her aloofness just makes Shep try harder. She ends the date saying she needs to leave soon and says she’d like to see him again. She’s calling all the shots and Shep seems confused and intrigued. Shep says he’s shocked he wants to see him again. She says, “You’re dirty, you don’t work, you have no ambition…” Then Shep is offended by the truth and she says she was just joking. Girl no you weren’t, everything you said was true. Shep says you can’t keep attacking and then blowing it off as a joke. The date ended awkwardly. Shep tells the producer that she would make him worry about her saying something derogatory to family and friends and play it off as a joke.  He doesn’t think she is a fit for his social circle.

Shep decides to invite Amber to the CHOW and we both agree that brief glimpse of a Mexican food truck date and Lone Star ad was the best date he’s had so far. She said no. She blamed the cameras making her nervous but he said they could work around that. She still said no. Why? I am sure it’s because the dog hated him. I’m not kidding. My dog can tell. Editing is making it seem that Amber will be the girl we see him going back for at the end uninvited with the flowers.

Next they head to New York to meet Bella who is twenty-three. Do I even need to waste my time talking about why this is a mistake. The go to one of those escape adventure places where they have to escape from a dungeon. They had an hour to escape. They failed. Bella travels a lot, like Shep and she wants to live in Hong Kong eventually. She’s been on her own since she was 15. Shep’s reaction was, “Oh that’s nice.” At the bar, she finds out he is 37 and single an asks what is wrong with him. He seems offended by the question and asks her if she is being serious. He goes and tells the producer he’s not inviting her to CHOW tonight and she prods him to reconsider. It seems like he thinks she won’t say yes. And she should not. He asks her and she doesn’t give him an answer right away. So he tells her to think about it.

The next day, is the final day of the search. The producer makes it clear that there are not enough women invited to CHOW. She encourages him to invite Priscila. He calls her and it goes to voicemail. The force him to leave a message and he rambles and doesn’t invite her to CHOW. These two are not a match. Everyone knows it. This seems like a moment of casting desperation. I am sure producers are calling her begging her to say yes to his invitation and telling her that she can leave after a day or three. There may be an appearance fee negotiation going on as well.

The final date is with Arden at a trivia night in NYC. Arden is at least 30. She seems very well put together. Shep vastly overestimates his intelligence despite all his fancy schooling. I predict Arden beats the pants off him. I hope this is an individual game, but it is usually a group one. I love trivia nights. I use to go with groups of teachers and occasionally on my own. I used to go to this one bar to work because they had great wi-fi, cheap drinks and decent food and play by myself, but I much prefer having a driver when it comes to bars.  Shep tells Arden he is very into trivia but seem confused as to how it all works. Arden suggests the team name, “My couch pulls out but I don’t” Shep counters with “Touched by an Uncle.” Um, ew. She says, “Plant a Rose in Arden’s Garden.” I feel like she has used variations of that one a lot, but they go with it.

Arden is from Boston. This will never work. As soon as the trivia starts, Shep’s producer shows up to the table in tears and pulls him away. Her mother is in the hospital in Brooklyn. She’s been having seizures. He scoops her into the car and send her home and tells her to call him. He goes in and cuts the date off. She is very understanding. He gets her number and I feel sure he will invite her to CHOW. Shep goes straight to the hospital. Everyone has told Shep that Sarah is the girl for him. They claim to be just friends. They film Sarah’s mother in the hospital bed, which I think is outrageous. She asks about how is quest for love is going and he gives her the run down and then hugs Sarah and says the twist is I reject all of them (um quite a few have rejected you, Shep) and end up with Sarah. But you can tell he’s not attracted to Sarah. They have more of the type relationship he has with Cameran. He is much better at those.

Next Week: We go to the CHOW with the girls that are willing and the crying and hurt feelings begin when they begin to compare notes. I can’t wait.