Vanderpump Rules is back and I couldn’t be happier! I have so many burning questions. Will Katie and Tom Schwartz be as miserable in marriage as they were as fiancés? Will Scheana be as delusional in her new relationship as she was in her marriage? Will Tom Sandoval and Ariana continue to think their shit doesn’t stink? Will Brittany continue to enable all of Jax’s disgusting behaviour in the hopes he’ll put a ring on it? Will Stassi suck? Will Lala suck dick for Range Rovers? Will James get fired/cheat on his girlfriend/make horrible music? Will we ever see Crazy Kristen again? Obviously the answer to all of those questions is yes but that doesn’t dim my excitement. There’s something about this group of messy, narcissistic, self-important fame whores that just warms my little heart. So sit back, relax, and let the crazy wash over you. You know you’re gonna love it.
We open with a preview of Scheana’s masquerade birthday party. In quick flashes we learn that something serious is going down. Jax cheated on Brittany! Gasp. I’m sure no one saw that coming. Jax
lies through his teeth maintains his innocence. Brittany threatens to take the dogs and move back to Kentucky. Production asks him straight out if he did it. Jax gives a heavy sigh and we segue right into the opening sequence. Less than a minute in and I’m already grinning like a fool.
Because we need to earn the big payoff, we rewind to pre-birthday Sur. Katie, Scheana and Brittany pretend to wait tables. Lisa Vanderpump pretends to eat a french fry. Jax still doesn’t know how to make a drink. So, just your standard night. Jax brags to LVP that he’s been with Brittany for two years. She asks if he’s been completely faithful. Foreshadowing. He and Brittany have seemingly recovered from their spin-off. I mean, she gets off the couch and goes to the gym so clearly “Brittany’s Spark” is back. At the wait station, the cameras are on, ergo Scheana is bragging about her amazing life. She’s madly in love and as soon as her divorce is final, she’s free to remarry. #goals. At the bar, Sandoval and Lisa discuss Tom Tom, your new favorite bar. LVP has asked both Toms to invest $100,000 in the project. Sandoval reads us to a long list of reasons he’d have that kind of money but leaves off his television show. Fourth wall, y’all. Fourth wall.
Of course the biggest news of the season is Ariana cut three inches off her hair. OMG! I can’t even! Her hair is cute AF! Scheana sees a camera pointed at The Hair and suddenly needs to talk to Ariana. Katie has been rage-texting again and Scheana can’t understand why. When she told everyone that Katie doesn’t have any friends, she meant it as a compliment. Some people are so touchy. They haven’t spoken in two months but Scheana doesn’t care. Have I mentioned how awesome her life is? Per the script, Katie interrupts the bitch session. Scheana aggressively tells Katie that she isn’t invited to her birthday party. Katie doesn’t care. She’s already “mourned” their friendship so she has no interest in Scheana’s “Meet My Amazing Boyfriend” party. They trade a few barbs and retreat to their corners, each thinking they’re the victor. Of course, the only victor in this showdown is The Hair.
Finally Sandoval has a scene with The Hair. After kissing it’s ring, he shares his fear that Lisa and Ken are going to steamroll the Toms at the new bar. Ariana, keeper of The Hair, fully supports her man. Lisa can’t act like Sandoval is incompetent. He’s done research! He took Schwartz and Jax to Colorado to investigate incorporating medical marijuana into the bar. Sure, he found out was it’s not possible but he tried. Doesn’t that count for anything in business? As he’s bitching about all the ridiculous demands Lisa is making, the camera pans over to LVP and Ken a few tables away. Busted! Lisa is shocked at his entitlement. Not even The Hair can save Sandoval now.
After work, Katie stops by Stassi’s house to put together her air conditioner for her. In exchange, Stassi blends up some strawberry margaritas. She uses real fruit so it’s practically a smoothie. This is Stassi’s version of a health kick. Katie recounts the “you’re not invited to my party” story. They laugh at Scheana and then wonder why they’re not friends anymore. This season, Stassi will pull off two miracles: getting Patrick back and getting him on Vanderpump Rules. But things are different this time. Just like how Katie and Schwartz’s relationship got better after marriage (ha!), Stassi and Patrick’s break healed their problems (ha!).
James films with his best friend since no one else is interested in spending time with him. James clearly loves having a gay man in his life. You just know he’s convinced his friend is madly in love with him. Raquel returns from college and this time she gets to stay for the whole summer. Squee! She missed
the cameras James sooo much. James’ GBF doesn’t hide his displeasure with being replaced.
At the moment, Tom Tom is a gutted building. Sandoval starts climbing the wire-covered infrastructure. Gee, I can’t imagine why Lisa would think he’s incompetent. He tells Schwartz he wants the bar to combine comfortability, familiarity, heart, and sexy TVs. Even Schwartz has to laugh at that. Schwartz warns that they have to manage their expectations about how much creative input they’ll be allowed. Sandoval can’t seem to grasp the concept. Then he confesses about Lisa overhearing his “candid” thoughts on their partnership. Gulp. Schwartz gets anxious. This is the cue for LVP and Ken’s entrance. Sandoval immediately starts questioning decisions they’ve made and Lisa has to put him in his place. “Listen, little boy. A lot of work goes on around here while you’re getting paid to party in Vegas.” She informs them the bar concept is Romantic Industrial. But how does comfortability, familiarity, heart, and sexy TVs fit into that?
As they walk through the space, Sandoval second guesses everything. You can literally see Lisa Vanderpump’s anger build. Schwartz tries to mediate but it’s too late. Lisa brings up what she overhead at Sur. Sandoval finds the only way to make it worse: he accuses her of hiding in a corner purposefully to eavesdrop. And with that, Lisa tears into him. She is doing him a favor, not the other way around. Schwartz looks like he’s about to do a runner. This is some serious tension. Sandoval just stands there like a dummy. He can’t see beyond the tip of his nose. Lisa is disgusted and storms out, leaving the boys to wonder if the whole thing is off.
Jax and Brittany get ready for Scheana’s “Aren’t I the Absolute Best?” party. Brittany is a little more honest about the state of their relationship than Jax was. It’s not easy dating someone with multiple personalities. She warns him he doesn’t have anymore Get Out of Jail Free cards. And, in typical Vanderpump Rules fashion, Katie and Stassi watch Schwartz get ready for a party they’re not invited to. Jax barges in rifle through their fridge. Now Stassi has a full audience to announce she’s back with Patrick. Yawn. Over at Scheana’s, Robert makes his Vanderpump Rules debut. Ew. I can’t explain it but from the three words he’s said, I can tell he’s a douche.
Across town, Sandoval tells Ariana his version of the conversation with Lisa. Ariana, a faithful enabler, complains that LVP was eavesdropping. What is wrong with these people? There is no expectation of privacy in a public space (and I’m not even bringing up that Lisa owns that public space). Warning! Warning! Sandoval is wearing a Puffy Shirt. While Ariana plays with The Hair, Sandoval shares that Faith (the former Sur-ver who was cast as Lala’s friend in season 4) is telling people she slept with Jax. Ariana is pissed! Sandoval reassures her it must be a rumor. It sounds too far fetched to be true. Yeah, tell that to the pregnant porn star in Vegas.
Finally it’s time for Scheana’s “Scheana!” party. Everyone is there (well, everyone except for Katie and Stassi). Sandoval and Ariana bring her brother they keep trying to make a thing. Jax and Brittany bring Kristen. James and Raquel show up with Faith. Hmmm. I wonder why she was invited. Faith’s first line is about The Hair (as it should be). James and Jax are best buddies after last season’s reunion. It’s all fun and games and DJ James Kennedy. Lisa Vanderpump makes her grand entrance. I don’t know how she does it but LVP found the mask version of those ugly, frumpy hats she thinks are so charming. Everyone fawns all over her like she’s The Hair. As if. Scheana introduces Robert as the guy she’s wanted for the past ten years. Lisa harkens back to Katie’s wedding when she was bragging about how amazing Shay was. She warns her not to minimize what she had with Shay just because it’s over. Her advice falls on deaf ears.
Faith sucks up to Brittany, telling her how beautiful and wonderful she is, while Ariana circles them like a shark. Jax tells some randoms that he’ll be having kids soon and Brittany beams. This is really happening. All of her hard work is paying off. Brittany won’t end up a spinster ((shudder)).
Tom Schwartz takes the uninvited out to dinner. It’s just like their honeymoon! Stassi, the girl who never holds a grudge, tells the table that if she was having a big party, she’d invite everyone. Suuuure. She goes on a tirade about how horrible Scheana is and wonders why Scheana doesn’t like her. Stassi and Katie really deserve each other. As fun as the dinner is, Tom ditches them to go to the party. Katie let the poor dog off his leash for the night.
Back at the party, we get dueling scenes. Sandoval confronts Jax about the Faith rumors. Across the room, Faith tells James about their tryst. Jax lies. Faith cries. And then the real bombshell drops: Faith thinks she’s pregnant. Word quickly circulates and eventually reaches Brittany. Just as she’s trying to process the ultimate betrayal, Schwartz shows up. He’s so excited to be away from his owner that he doesn’t read the room. He’s happy and hugging until Brittany’s news brings him down to earth. He admits he’d cover for Jax if he knew so now Brittany doesn’t think she can trust anyone. Jax rushes over to confront Faith and she refuses to backtrack. Brittany is freaking out. Jax is her whole life. She’s put all of her eggs in his very unreliable basket.
Finally, Jax and Brittany clash. She’s furious. She’s embarrassed. And he’s lying. His big defense is that he’d go outside their friend circle if he wanted to cheat. So production runs footage of him admitting to sleeping with Kristen. Brittany demands a meeting with Faith but Faith absconds like a thief in the night. Vanderpump Rules, you did it again.
Next week: A painful revelation makes Brittany flee L.A., leaving her relationship with Jax in question. Stassi reconnects with her ex-boyfriend Patrick and ex-boss Lisa Vanderpump, while James attempts to reclaim his DJ job at SUR. Lisa proudly serves as grand marshal of the Long Beach Gay Pride parade, where Sandoval discovers a new fetish he hopes will revive his and Ariana’s lagging sex life.