Vanderpump Rules is back and I couldn’t be happier! I have so many burning questions. Will Katie and Tom Schwartz be as miserable in marriage as they were as fiancés? Will Scheana be as delusional in her new relationship as she was in her marriage? Will Tom Sandoval and Ariana continue to think their shit doesn’t stink? Will Brittany continue to enable all of Jax’s disgusting behaviour in the hopes he’ll put a ring on it? Will Stassi suck? Will Lala suck dick for Range Rovers? Will James get fired/cheat on his girlfriend/make horrible music? Will we ever see Crazy Kristen again? Obviously the answer to all of those questions is yes but that doesn’t dim my excitement. There’s something about this group of messy, narcissistic, self-important fame whores that just warms my little heart. So sit back, relax, and let the crazy wash over you. You know you’re gonna love it.
We open with a preview of Scheana’s masquerade birthday party. In quick flashes we learn that something serious is going down. Jax cheated on Brittany! Gasp. I’m sure no one saw that coming. Jax lies through his teeth maintains his innocence. Brittany threatens to take the dogs and move back to Kentucky. Production asks him straight out if he did it. Jax gives a heavy sigh and we segue right into the opening sequence. Less than a minute in and I’m already grinning like a fool.
Because we need to earn the big payoff, we rewind to pre-birthday Sur. Katie, Scheana and Brittany pretend to wait tables. Lisa Vanderpump pretends to eat a french fry. Jax still doesn’t know how to make a drink. So, just your standard night. Jax brags to LVP that he’s been with Brittany for two years. She asks if he’s been completely faithful. Foreshadowing. He and Brittany have seemingly recovered from their spin-off. I mean, she gets off the couch and goes to the gym so clearly “Brittany’s Spark” is back. At the wait station, the cameras are on, ergo Scheana is bragging about her amazing life. She’s madly in love and as soon as her divorce is final, she’s free to remarry. #goals. At the bar, Sandoval and Lisa discuss Tom Tom, your new favorite bar. LVP has asked both Toms to invest $100,000 in the project. Sandoval reads us to a long list of reasons he’d have that kind of money but leaves off his television show. Fourth wall, y’all. Fourth wall.
Of course the biggest news of the season is Ariana cut three inches off her hair. OMG! I can’t even! Her hair is cute AF! Scheana sees a camera pointed at The Hair and suddenly needs to talk to Ariana. Katie has been rage-texting again and Scheana can’t understand why. When she told everyone that Katie doesn’t have any friends, she meant it as a compliment. Some people are so touchy. They haven’t spoken in two months but Scheana doesn’t care. Have I mentioned how awesome her life is? Per the script, Katie interrupts the bitch session. Scheana aggressively tells Katie that she isn’t invited to her birthday party. Katie doesn’t care. She’s already “mourned” their friendship so she has no interest in Scheana’s “Meet My Amazing Boyfriend” party. They trade a few barbs and retreat to their corners, each thinking they’re the victor. Of course, the only victor in this showdown is The Hair.
Finally Sandoval has a scene with The Hair. After kissing it’s ring, he shares his fear that Lisa and Ken are going to steamroll the Toms at the new bar. Ariana, keeper of The Hair, fully supports her man. Lisa can’t act like Sandoval is incompetent. He’s done research! He took Schwartz and Jax to Colorado to investigate incorporating medical marijuana into the bar. Sure, he found out was it’s not possible but he tried. Doesn’t that count for anything in business? As he’s bitching about all the ridiculous demands Lisa is making, the camera pans over to LVP and Ken a few tables away. Busted! Lisa is shocked at his entitlement. Not even The Hair can save Sandoval now.
After work, Katie stops by Stassi’s house to put together her air conditioner for her. In exchange, Stassi blends up some strawberry margaritas. She uses real fruit so it’s practically a smoothie. This is Stassi’s version of a health kick. Katie recounts the “you’re not invited to my party” story. They laugh at Scheana and then wonder why they’re not friends anymore. This season, Stassi will pull off two miracles: getting Patrick back and getting him on Vanderpump Rules. But things are different this time. Just like how Katie and Schwartz’s relationship got better after marriage (ha!), Stassi and Patrick’s break healed their problems (ha!).
James films with his best friend since no one else is interested in spending time with him. James clearly loves having a gay man in his life. You just know he’s convinced his friend is madly in love with him. Raquel returns from college and this time she gets to stay for the whole summer. Squee! She missed the cameras James sooo much. James’ GBF doesn’t hide his displeasure with being replaced.
At the moment, Tom Tom is a gutted building. Sandoval starts climbing the wire-covered infrastructure. Gee, I can’t imagine why Lisa would think he’s incompetent. He tells Schwartz he wants the bar to combine comfortability, familiarity, heart, and sexy TVs. Even Schwartz has to laugh at that. Schwartz warns that they have to manage their expectations about how much creative input they’ll be allowed. Sandoval can’t seem to grasp the concept. Then he confesses about Lisa overhearing his “candid” thoughts on their partnership. Gulp. Schwartz gets anxious. This is the cue for LVP and Ken’s entrance. Sandoval immediately starts questioning decisions they’ve made and Lisa has to put him in his place. “Listen, little boy. A lot of work goes on around here while you’re getting paid to party in Vegas.” She informs them the bar concept is Romantic Industrial. But how does comfortability, familiarity, heart, and sexy TVs fit into that?
As they walk through the space, Sandoval second guesses everything. You can literally see Lisa Vanderpump’s anger build. Schwartz tries to mediate but it’s too late. Lisa brings up what she overhead at Sur. Sandoval finds the only way to make it worse: he accuses her of hiding in a corner purposefully to eavesdrop. And with that, Lisa tears into him. She is doing him a favor, not the other way around. Schwartz looks like he’s about to do a runner. This is some serious tension. Sandoval just stands there like a dummy. He can’t see beyond the tip of his nose. Lisa is disgusted and storms out, leaving the boys to wonder if the whole thing is off.
Jax and Brittany get ready for Scheana’s “Aren’t I the Absolute Best?” party. Brittany is a little more honest about the state of their relationship than Jax was. It’s not easy dating someone with multiple personalities. She warns him he doesn’t have anymore Get Out of Jail Free cards. And, in typical Vanderpump Rules fashion, Katie and Stassi watch Schwartz get ready for a party they’re not invited to. Jax barges in rifle through their fridge. Now Stassi has a full audience to announce she’s back with Patrick. Yawn. Over at Scheana’s, Robert makes his Vanderpump Rules debut. Ew. I can’t explain it but from the three words he’s said, I can tell he’s a douche.
Across town, Sandoval tells Ariana his version of the conversation with Lisa. Ariana, a faithful enabler, complains that LVP was eavesdropping. What is wrong with these people? There is no expectation of privacy in a public space (and I’m not even bringing up that Lisa owns that public space). Warning! Warning! Sandoval is wearing a Puffy Shirt. While Ariana plays with The Hair, Sandoval shares that Faith (the former Sur-ver who was cast as Lala’s friend in season 4) is telling people she slept with Jax. Ariana is pissed! Sandoval reassures her it must be a rumor. It sounds too far fetched to be true. Yeah, tell that to the pregnant porn star in Vegas.
Finally it’s time for Scheana’s “Scheana!” party. Everyone is there (well, everyone except for Katie and Stassi). Sandoval and Ariana bring her brother they keep trying to make a thing. Jax and Brittany bring Kristen. James and Raquel show up with Faith. Hmmm. I wonder why she was invited. Faith’s first line is about The Hair (as it should be). James and Jax are best buddies after last season’s reunion. It’s all fun and games and DJ James Kennedy. Lisa Vanderpump makes her grand entrance. I don’t know how she does it but LVP found the mask version of those ugly, frumpy hats she thinks are so charming. Everyone fawns all over her like she’s The Hair. As if. Scheana introduces Robert as the guy she’s wanted for the past ten years. Lisa harkens back to Katie’s wedding when she was bragging about how amazing Shay was. She warns her not to minimize what she had with Shay just because it’s over. Her advice falls on deaf ears.
Faith sucks up to Brittany, telling her how beautiful and wonderful she is, while Ariana circles them like a shark. Jax tells some randoms that he’ll be having kids soon and Brittany beams. This is really happening. All of her hard work is paying off. Brittany won’t end up a spinster ((shudder)).
Tom Schwartz takes the uninvited out to dinner. It’s just like their honeymoon! Stassi, the girl who never holds a grudge, tells the table that if she was having a big party, she’d invite everyone. Suuuure. She goes on a tirade about how horrible Scheana is and wonders why Scheana doesn’t like her. Stassi and Katie really deserve each other. As fun as the dinner is, Tom ditches them to go to the party. Katie let the poor dog off his leash for the night.
Back at the party, we get dueling scenes. Sandoval confronts Jax about the Faith rumors. Across the room, Faith tells James about their tryst. Jax lies. Faith cries. And then the real bombshell drops: Faith thinks she’s pregnant. Word quickly circulates and eventually reaches Brittany. Just as she’s trying to process the ultimate betrayal, Schwartz shows up. He’s so excited to be away from his owner that he doesn’t read the room. He’s happy and hugging until Brittany’s news brings him down to earth. He admits he’d cover for Jax if he knew so now Brittany doesn’t think she can trust anyone. Jax rushes over to confront Faith and she refuses to backtrack. Brittany is freaking out. Jax is her whole life. She’s put all of her eggs in his very unreliable basket.
Finally, Jax and Brittany clash. She’s furious. She’s embarrassed. And he’s lying. His big defense is that he’d go outside their friend circle if he wanted to cheat. So production runs footage of him admitting to sleeping with Kristen. Brittany demands a meeting with Faith but Faith absconds like a thief in the night. Vanderpump Rules, you did it again.
Next week: A painful revelation makes Brittany flee L.A., leaving her relationship with Jax in question. Stassi reconnects with her ex-boyfriend Patrick and ex-boss Lisa Vanderpump, while James attempts to reclaim his DJ job at SUR. Lisa proudly serves as grand marshal of the Long Beach Gay Pride parade, where Sandoval discovers a new fetish he hopes will revive his and Ariana’s lagging sex life.
Best recap ever. I have to be up in like four hours to go to the dentist but I am procrastinating.
All I have to say at this point, because I can only remember five seconds ago is how does Scheana afford the moisturizer for her giraffe neck.
SO MUCH MORE if I survive the dentist. I broke a tooth and I fear he will want to extract it. #ToothGrinder ???
Awesome recap Lady Cocotte! My cable went out last night, right before the show started! BOO Spectrum! But, so happy to read every juicy part here!
Sorry about the tooth TT, I hate dentists!
So, Spectrum got you too ? The worst cable company I have ever had. And I think the government is allowing them to take over the entire country. Smh
Agreed!! They are terrible!!!
Spectrum sucks ass. They almost doubled my bill and are just so rude. I want to jump threw the phone and throat punch whom ever I get on the phone with.
Threaten to leave. My bill jumped too, because a “promotion” i was enrolled in ended and i told them I contacted Fios about changing, got the bill back down real quick 🙂
You didn’t miss a thing.
BEST RECAP EVER! I LOVE this show and was looking forward to it all day (my life is that empty). You got every delicious detail. I got to watch it last night AND relive it this morning (did I mention my life was empty?) Made my morning 🙂
You are my kind of people 😉
I have a question- Scheana says that her new bf is the last guy she slept with before Shay and the first guy she slept with after him. Didn’t she sleep with Brandi’s husband before Shay ? I cant stand her and I find that statement hard to believe.
Funny, because my friend that lives in LA, and used to manage Villa Blanca, slept with her 5 years ago! And says Stassi is literally the worst.
Is that the manager that had so many sexual assault charges that Scheana covered for? Because he is literally the worst.
No! His name is Stephen! He’s actually a decent guy…besides the lapse of judgement with Scheana.
I cannot stand Scheana. I guarantee you she cheated on her husband with this Rob guy.
I’ve been looking forward to their return this year and your recap is a great way to catch what my distracted viewing habits missed.
Does Jax EVER have a storyline that doesn’t involve him being a cheating jerk?
I was wondering the same thing about Jax, in the first episode even he is being accused of cheating on Brittney but at least this time it didn’t take him long to admit it tho, but leave it to tonight’s show right at the end it turns out it maybe was more than just the one time, and oops she might even be pregnant, wow finally after all these years this will be the first baby, I don’t think any of them are capable of looking after a little one, I feel bad enough for their pups. Oh I have a question for anyone here that might have the answer, was wondering if you were to walk in off the street into either Sur or Pump would any of these guys actually be in there waiting tables or mixing drinks? I was just curious if they actually do work there, so if you could let me know I’d greatly appreciate it. Also I really hope Brittney does not take Jax back, this routine of his is getting really old, and so is he.
I know that most people think all the Bravo shows are scripted, I believe production does set things up a little on the Housewives shows, but this show is so obviously scripted and set up for fake drama!
I hope they’re paying Faith a lot of money to have her family think she’s stupid enough to get pregnant by that idiot.
I hope James’s pretend BF is getting paid a lot to pretend that he is turning newly bi-curious James.
Talk about a setup.
Do I believe that Jax would cheat on Brittany? Of course! However I think the cheating with Faith storyline is completely fake. Faith is thirsty AF and it was bad acting all the way around.
THE HAIR!!!! I love it. Jax is an asshole who doesn’t care who he fucks as long as it has 2 legs and whole and a heart beat. Shit, the 2 legs may be optional.
Bwahahaha
The heartbeat might be, too.
Ok I can see a gal sleeping with Jax if she just met him and didnt know of him. For Faith who should know how skeevy he is to admit she did without a condom is just disgusting. I thought Jax was hot when the show started but after knowing how nasty he is he just looks greasy.
So, Spectrum got you too ? The worst cable company I have ever had. And I think the government is allowing them to take over the entire country. Smh
Loved Loved Loved this recap! I often wonder (as this is the best site for the best recaps) if any of the #PumpRules cast peeks in here to read these great recaps? You know if they were reading this one, they would be laughing at the humor & have to admit that everything Lady C said is spot on!……lol
Your description of “Look at me! Everything needs to be about me! I want to be the Star this season!” Scheana party is hilarious ??? Just when you think she couldn’t look more foolish…. Production continues to make her look as dumb, desperate and delusional as she really is. I love it!
Ariana needs to be known as “The Hair” for the whole season because it is beautiful. I want that haircut! It may become the next “Rachael from Friends ” must have haircut…..It’s that good
Jax said in a podcast recently that #S6 was going to be his worst season ever and I’m happy as he’s due for a scathing season after the way he has treated Brittany. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say the name of podcast but it’s definitely worth a listen. Jax does not hold back on a lot of things. #PumpRules S6 Villain is most definitely Jax
Thanks for the super great recap Lady C. and I hope you feel better soon TT xoxo
Perfect recap! I love that Scheana got rid of everything Shaye and made her apartment basically into a giant closer rhinking she is LVP ?, but kept of all things that tacky, bejeweled bed! It is ugly AF!
Am I the only one who thinks James boyfriend is real and the girls are just on the show playing a role for exposure?
His girlfriend is a pageant queen who just competed in Miss California. She didn’t win. The girl who won is a former Miss Colorado. How is that fair?
Nope, that guy is Miss James boyfriend. The ‘girlfriend’ is a beard.
Those beauty queens often state jump to get to Miss USA and Miss America depending on the pageant system.
I’m loving Stassi so far! Snarky as hell but not mean in an evil way.
All I could think of reading this is how old these people are getting. Middle aged. Isn’t Jax 40?
No, no, no, you are not the only one. That boy Logan and James are tight and Raquel is bothersome thorn in Logan’s side.
” Will Tom Sandoval and Ariana continue to think their shit doesn’t stink?”
Of course. Without their self righteous preening, they have no story and certainly no personality. But have to say …. Arianna’s haircut is perfect for her. She looks beautiful…bitchy, hateful, smug, arrogant, but still beautiful.
Don’t get how people can say Sandoval is smug. I think he’s a great friend to the people he really cares about like Schwartz and even Jax despite what Jax did to him. Now Ariana is another story. She can be very dismissive. She’s an aloof person but I don’t think she’s as bad as her haters make her out to be and I actually like the way she dismisses Stassi.
Ariana is actually my favorite cast member but she & Sandoval think they’re sooo much better than everyone. Sandoval’s big concern that LVP wouldn’t take his shitty business acumen seriously is the perfect example. He’s probably the best friend out of the whole lot, though. I’ll give you that.
$100,000 is a lot of money. People think he should just give it to Lisa and shut up but I wouldn’t fork over that kind of money with no questions asked. I don’t blame him for having concerns. He and Ariana want to buy a house together and that money could go towards that instead. Plus his name is going on the bar. I think both Toms should have input if she’s going to put their names on it.
$100,00 is a lot but it’s only a drop in the bucket when it comes to Tom Tom. Lisa is putting out the majority of the money. In return, Sandoval is going to learn how to open a bar & he will create the cocktails (ie: the only thing he has any experience in). I’m not saying he should just shut up & let Lisa make all the decisions but he should probably just shut up & let Lisa make all the decisions. At the minimum, he needs to lose that entitled attitude. That’s my opinion! (said in my best Tamra Judge voice)
LOL!! I agree Lisa is putting up most of the money and should have the final say but I don’t agree Tom is just creating cocktails. Lisa is naming the bar for the Toms and I think she’s trading on their popularity on the show. The bar is going to be associated with them. If Lisa was calling it ‘Pinky’s’ like she originally intended and Tom was creating the drinks then I would agree with you. But since his name is going to be on it and he’s putting in what for him is a significant amount of money I think he and Tom should definitely have input.
I have always thought of him as a genuine guy and excellent friend, but I do think he can get on a high horse with Ariana sometimes. I was actually pretty surprised by his behavior with Ken and Lisa and I really do think a lot of it has to do with Ariana’s influence. I like her, but she has an attitude quite often of being better than everyone and it’s getting kind of old.
I think I’m the only one considering the idea that Faith’s story might be true. Does everyone know something I don’t or is it that the story sounds so crazy? It does seem farfetched but if you told me that Jax slept with Kristen while Tom was asleep in the next room I would have said that sounded farfetched too. The pregnancy aspect does seem contrived but Jax likes to go bareback. He did it with Kristen. I guess I won’t be surprised either way.
Awesome recap, I haven’t watched yet but now I can’t wait to catch up. I love the tongue in cheek way production handles this show and the brain trust cast thinks they are in on it, but so aren’t. Although they are smart enough to be laughing all the way to the bank to be made fools of, so I guess it is a wash.
I know James is a giant douche, but he’s so entertaining on the TV! I rewound his talking head about Faith possibly being preggers 4 times and couldn’t stop laughing because of his facial expressions.
“So sit back, relax, and let the crazy wash over you” — this is why I love this show. The crazy is so over the top, but oh so fun to watch.
It seems so farfetched that someone who knows Jax would actually sleep with him that I am thinking this is a scripted bullshizz storyline. A hoax.
Am I wrong in thinking that Faith was LVP’s son Max’s girlfriend on the show? At least for the appearance of storyline?
Yes! She was Lala’s “friend” & Max’s “crush.” It was awkward. Hopefully she pulls off her Baby Mama role better.
I dislike Sheana & here’s why: the tone of her voice (same kardashian cent)), she’s completely shallow & self absorbed (she decorates her apartment with blown up pictures of herself), she’s a user (she went out of her way to befriend Katie because she wanted to be her bridesmaid, now could care less about their friendship), & she has no loyalty (she was so quick to turn on Ariana when she started dating Tom, then flips back when she’s on the outs with the rest of the girls). To name a few.
Oh & also because she blocked me on Twitter when I criticized her for using Shay’s addiction for a storyline & embarrassing him by calling him out in front of everybody, talking to him as if he were a child.
I didn’t even @ her directly.
Woops. Kardashian *accent
I agree 100%. She is user. Probably why LVP loves her so much.
Absolutely dead on in your description of her. She’s not original at all in anything she does either.
Jax is as trustworthy as fuzzy, green, meat.
He has shown time and time again he is a pathological liar, a narcissist, and a complete and total cheat. Brittany is out of her fucking mind to want to marry this guy nevermind raise a family with someone she claims has “multiple personalities” and is cruel to her. Sweetheart, why do you want that as the father of your kids?
he is the most horrific role model conceivable.
Great recap Lady Cocotte! I keep waiting for Scheana to mature and recognize the error’s of her youth, but she’s doubling down and digging deeper into a pit of delusion and vanity. Either Shay was a rebound when the new guy dumped her 6 years ago, or the new guy is a rebound now. Either way, she played both of them and she’ll continue to plow full steam ahead to find a replacement groom.
I think Shay was never really happy with Sheanna. He seemed to get swept along, as far as marriage. I felt he was a deeper person than her. He looked lonely and in over his head.
“Waiting for Sheana to mature”…Don’t hold your breath. Her main problem is that she is dumb and as they say “you can’t fix stupid.”
Great recap!!
I find Jax so unattractive. Someone above said “greasy,” and that’s exactly right. As others have said, I don’t understand why Brittany wants to be with him and have kids with him. He’s a lying, cheating dog who is incredibly selfish and immature for 40. He thinks of no one but himself. I don’t think he’s even capable of considering the feelings of someone else.
I was shocked at Sandoval questioning Lisa, but in general I really like Sandoval and think he’s kind, genuine, and a loyal friend. And can we talk about Tom Schwartz?? He’s like a puppy, nervous and wanting to keep everyone happy. In the promo at the very end of the show, when Jax throws a phone, and Schwartz says, “Is that mine? I need that.” Hahahaha! He’s so mild about it!
I can’t believe what a big deal these people make about their own birthdays! And I can’t believe how immature they all are for being in their 30s (mostly).
Just caught this episode again….James is definitely gay. That guy is his boyfriend and they were even being playful about the fact he plays a straight guy on tv. Why won’t they just let him be gay on the show? Other than that these people seriously share an IQ of 10. Together.