So I just watched what is probably the best episode of Vanderpump Rules, EVER. And now I have to recap this crap? Sigh, maybe it will be good. We will need to please hold comments on Vanderpump Rules until Lady C gets her recap up very late tonight or tomorrow. She’s west coast. I’m sure we will have plenty to discuss about this trainwreck in comments.
First of all the premise is unbelievable. Shep has no interest in settling down. He will be a bachelor at fifty if his liver holds out that long. Oh dear God. He is going to send them all back to Charleston to live together in a house. He’s totally going to be The Bachelor. Do you accept, Shep Rose? I can hear it now.
We start with a trip to Hilton Head (Hil*tin Hay*ed) to visit Shep’s parents. Both of his siblings are happily married with children to people who his parents love. So the bar is set high.
First stop, L.A. to meet a girl chosen by his friend Matt. Her name is Peyton and she is a dog groomer in Hollywood. Shep thinks he needs to get a dog to give him some responsibility. I say we stop this foolishness right here, save all of these girls some time and admit that a dog is probably the only sort of relationship Shep can handle. Actually, being responsible for a dog may be too much for him as well, but we need to start somewhere and I think starting with live females is a mistake.
Peyton and Shep go out for Mexican. She orders a fat margarita and queso and guacamole and Shep is already smitten. Peyton is from Georgia/Alabama. Things are going great. When they get to the bar, things start to go south after a few drinks too many. They get way drunk and Shep regales her with stories about actresses he has dated. Then he invites her to the whore house in Charleston and she drunkenly accepts.
We’re going all Teen Mom here with the producers as part of the show. Shep’s producer, Sarah is with him every step of the way so that he has someone to give feedback to. Shep thinks Peyton is amazing. At least from what he can remember about her.
It’s time for date two, which is set up by his friend Miriam. Liz is 24 and a film marketing manager. I missed how old Peyton was, but Shep is pushing forty and this girl is way too young for him. They are going to a party that the producers found where people will be performing Shakespeare. I’m bored already. Shep’s first date conversation includes things like, “Look at my socks! I feel like accessories make everything!” All his conversations are about him. When the producer commented on his eclectic attire with, “Well look at you!” he responded with “I know, right?” He’s such a self-centered douchebag. There is not enough alcohol at this party for this poor girl. The age difference comes up. Shep admits he is 37 and Liz is horrified.
The show i an hour and a half. Liz is eyeballing the exits. Shep thinks this is the best party ever. Shep goes to the bathroom. Liz leaves at intermission. Epic fail.
Enter the dolphin. The dolphin has two choices for him. Apparently he is going to go out with them both. AT THE SAME TIME. Or not. Girl #1 is named Adrhucia. She is really intellectual. Now, Shep thinks he is intellectual, he went to all the best schools and likely did well. But he is not really good at engaging in intellectual conversation. So Adrhucia is doing all the talking. Like a lot of talking. And Shep is ready to flee to Sarah and tell her to get the girl out of here. She dodged a bullet. Oh wait, he is changing things up and calls Landon to come in and entertain him on his date. As Sarah says, “You just don’t get it.” Landon ruins the date and Shep awkwardly ditches them both.
This is a PITA to recap. It’s taking ten forevers.
The next say Shep has two dates in one day. For the day date, he meets Marley, she’s 27 and a model. NO. Too young again. She is smoking hot. They have nothing in common. She thinks it is cute that Shep reads. She has some anger management issues. It’s a no for both of them.
Next up is Jessy, she’s the other Landon choice. She is 31 and is a clothing designer and stylist. She hates his wardrobe. It’s a tacky polo shirt and jeans. They eat weird ice cream and go to the bookstore. They decide to select books for each other. She picks Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and The Idiots Guide To Being Sexy. I love Jessy and so does Shep. He is afraid she will reject him if he invites her to Charleston, so he doesn’t. At least not yet. I really wanted an interview with Jessy, but alas, we did not get one.
Next, Shep is off to Dallas. The recap may be moving slow, but that is because the show is moving fast. I like that. There are no filler scenes. Each scene has a purpose. Is Haymaker producing this, because it seems better than them. After Jessy told him he looked like a slob on her date, he decides to pick up some cowboy clothes in Dallas. He spends all of 15 minutes in the shop and comes out with a cowboy hat. And not a good one.
Kylie is 22 and lives on a ranch. She is a student. IS SHEP AFRAID TO DATE REAL WOMEN? This is just ridiculous. Apparently he also bought a shirt at the cowboy store that he will reveal to her later. The date is running barrels on horseback. Shep’s childhood horse bucked him off and he has not been a fan of horses since. Is it too much to hope for a repeat of the bucking on this date? She is a world champion barrels runner. Somebody is rich as fuck because these are the most beautiful horses I’ve ever seen. Shep can’t ride a horse. Kylie is gorgeous and her daddy would never let her date him. As I am typing this she is talking about her dad vetoing her last pick, a professional dancer. Shep’s shirt was a big improvement to his wardrobe. At least in Texas. Shep invites her to Charleston. And they kiss. Oh Shep, you are such a loser.
Despite all of my bitching and complaining, I admit I am all in on this show. I’m sort of looking at it like a travel show for now, with the unfortunate inclusion of Shep as the travel guide. What did y’all think?